It is impossible for me to make friends

[Aaa111]

I'll start with saying that I have had no real friends ever since I was a child and I am 20 years old. Was completely friendless in elementary school and middle school, then in high school I got a friend group but they kicked me out for being too quiet. Now I started college this August and I still haven't made any friends or entered any groups despite trying a lot. Any time I try to start a conversation with someone, they either respond with bland answers, run away from me or interrupt our conversations to go talk to someone else. I tried joining clubs or getting hobbies but the people I got from there also ended up only being acquaintances and nothing more. Whenever I actually manage to get close to someone, they leave me after just a few months because of some mistake I have done, and it's not even a matter of "learn from your mistakes" because I ALWAYS make new mistakes that ALWAYS drive people away, even when fixing the old ones.

It all really makes me feel as if making friends was impossible to me and that I will just be alone forever. Anyone who has any solutions?

 

[AprilR]

I don't know, i made some friends in school but we always grew apart with time. I have also kind of gave up. But i am scared of not having anyone to depend on.

Maybe you can try some hobby groups or meet up groups, to find people with similar interests

 

[tree]

@Aaa111
What are some of the mistakes you have made
that you believe have driven people away from you?

 

[Aaa111]

I don't know, i made some friends in school but we always grew apart with time. I have also kind of gave up. But i am scared of not having anyone to depend on.

Maybe you can try some hobby groups or meet up groups, to find people with similar interests

As I said, I have tried lots of them already and I only ever made acquaintances.

@Aaa111
What are some of the mistakes you have made
that you believe have driven people away from you?

Some people told me I talk too little, others too much, others said I am stuck in the past

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Aaa111 I've had plenty of good acquaintances, people I've hung around with, done things with, etc. When I was young I thought they were friends, but in the end, not so much. I have co-workers in which I can socialize with sometimes, but it's always awkward because I don't have the skills and we don't have shared interests.

However, I do have a wife of 35 years. So, in this example, I will use this as an example of what a friend is and perhaps give you some idea of what it takes to obtain and maintain a friendship. Do consider I am autistic with alexithymia, so put this into context and perspective, as well.

1. I bond with her on an intellectual level. She is of high intelligence and we can have discussions at an equal level.
2. We both support each other. We never criticize each other. We keep each other's secrets. I am always propping her up and giving her encouragement. I talk her up with admiration even when she is not present.
3. I am not a conversationalist. We have a long periods of silence in the house and in the car. She reads.
4. When there is something to discuss, it is on an intellectual level, never on an emotional level. I shut down with emotional content.
5. We rarely text or call each other with frivolous stuff.
6. We never control each other. There's no jealousy. Even when eyes wander, we both understand this is normal behavior, and even laugh at each other for doing it. There's no tracking each other's locations on the phone or car. No looking at internet histories. We trust each other implicitly.
7. She doesn't need me. I don't need her. We both have our careers, our own money, and our own life skills. This means no power dynamic. If either of us want to leave, we can. This is how we know we love each other.
8. We are happy to see each other. We give each other peace and calmness in our souls.

I know this is husband and wife stuff, but a friendship is not much different. The lesson here, I suspect is:
1. Being able to share experiences in life together frequently.
2. Being able to be intellectually equivalent.
3. Being happy to see each other.
4. Giving each other some peace and calmness in your souls.
5. Giving each other support and encouragement, even when they are not present.
6. Having the relationship out of wanting to be with each other, and not out of need.
7. Interacting with each other on a daily basis.

 

[paloftoon]

Making friend friends is hard. People in general are cruel outside of being acquaintances, and they have some good reason. It's hard to build and keep trust, and we can be selfish, paranoid, etc. Best thing you can try to do is be open to getting out. I like to use meetup.com to meet people- that way, at least I know that if I can't connect with anyone for anything else, I can always talk about the meetup topic itself because that is why the social group exists to begin with.

 

[The Pandector]

I'll start with saying that I have had no real friends ever since I was a child and I am 20 years old. Was completely friendless in elementary school and middle school, then in high school I got a friend group but they kicked me out for being too quiet. Now I started college this August and I still haven't made any friends or entered any groups despite trying a lot. Any time I try to start a conversation with someone, they either respond with bland answers, run away from me or interrupt our conversations to go talk to someone else. I tried joining clubs or getting hobbies but the people I got from there also ended up only being acquaintances and nothing more. Whenever I actually manage to get close to someone, they leave me after just a few months because of some mistake I have done, and it's not even a matter of "learn from your mistakes" because I ALWAYS make new mistakes that ALWAYS drive people away, even when fixing the old ones.

It all really makes me feel as if making friends was impossible to me and that I will just be alone forever. Anyone who has any solutions?

Just recently was going through storage, all the junk of a life gone by, finally picking through the stuff I couldn’t disposition after my wife’s passing.

Came across a poem I wrote the night before my last day in high school, including the lines;
Now I see
That no one will ever hold the key
To the love I feel in me.

After what seemed at the time to be a lifetime of trying, I saw clearly that I am not cut out for the pleasure of another’s company. I knew life was going to be lonely and hard. Part of setting it down in memorable fashion was to always remember that I had formally given up. I was going out into the world, but without the constant pain of failure because you can’t fail at what you don’t attempt.

Ten years later, I met my wife. Ten long and lonely years that did nothing but confirm my convictions. Forty years later, she died.

Other than family, I have one friend. We talk weekly on the phone, but I was forced by my wife’s circumstance to move from that valley. Haven’t seen his face in three years. I have other people who would welcome a call; but I have one person who wants to talk and listen, and that’s probably enough to see me through.

I admit to having a problem with rejection. Few people enjoy my company. My boneheaded solution is to avoid those situations. Looking back on life, for me, that was probably the best approach.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It's hard to make friends. Even harder to keep them. Trust me. I have been struggling my entire life. Up to high school all I had were acquaintances. In college I had no friends and girls hated me so much that I got poor grades because of this and dropped out.

Came to God and found friends and a job and lost both. The friends abandoned me when they found their spouses and only wanted to hang with couples. I did nothing with my life for 15 years.

Came back to God when my sister nearly died. Found a new Church and made friends with mostly couples the four and a half years being there. It was getting bitter all those years going to Church how I still did not have a girlfriend who became a wife. Even doing other things like yoga and clubs did not get me a girlfriend. Only married woman and woman in relationships would be my friends. Single women ignored me like in college was

I was getting so bitter and angry, finally I was starting to push away the friends I had because they were married or in a relationship. Got a talk from two wise friends who said I was doing this and to focus on the friends I have and not worry waste my energy and time on the single women who won't talk to me. I am starting to slowly change.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like it may be simply awkwardness, which is pretty common for people on the spectrum. Just as an off-the-top-of-my-head suggestion I thought taking a theatre class and/or joining a school theatre society might be useful, even if you just go mainly as an observer. People generally do behave in certain patterns in different situations and learning what they are and perhaps adopting some may be helpful in making interactions go smoother.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Aaa111

If you want to make friends reasonably quickly, you'll have learn to act in an "NT-compatible" way.

Which probably means multiple different kinds of "makeover": Appearance, body language, communication style, conversational skills, other social skills, interests and activities, ...

Note that you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to change everything, ands there may be areas where you don't have to change anything.

But staying the same is likely to produce the same results as you're experiencing now.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think people can be so shallow when they are driven away by a mistake most likely so trivial and hardly anything. I always give people a chance, and if they make a mistake I don't care, I still talk to them.

 

[Misty Avich]

I remember joining clubs years ago, but it never worked out, as I didn't really have any interests strong enough to make myself attend a club and chat to others with the same interests. I don't really base my friendships on interests anyway, as I'm the type of person you can have a conversation about anything and everything with once you get to know me. But at first I'm always shy and awkward, so it doesn't always get past that acquaintance stage and then it just fizzles out and I never see or hear from them again.

 

[tree]

Some people told me I talk too little, others too much...

Under what circumstances did you talk *too little*?

Under what circumstances were you talking *too much*?

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I have found it difficult to find IRL friends. Looking back critically, I only made real friends in graduate school. And while I have not seen them in 30 years or more, we seem to be able to take up where we left off.

So you may be on the cusp of making friends. When you are looking for groups, look for ones with activity. Hiking, bird watching, outings with botanists. These are all people happy to share their interests. Botanists tend to be quiet and shy.

 

[Neri]

I realise I don't like any kind of unstructured socialising, for the most part. It's too confusing to know how to proceed. I thrive in socializing in structured environments without the expectation of outside social get-togethers.
If it is a task-oriented group thing, then there isn't the worry about how to keep up with all the social cues and things us Spectrumites often miss.
Expecting people to want to hang out with me outside that structured environment means that either I will end up disappointing them, or they will end up disappointing me.

The only time things have "flowed" socially for me, is with other Autistic-Aspie folk or otherwise non-neuro-normative people. Having said that, I know people on the spectrum that I don't "click" with either.

I'm lucky, after a lifetime of being very socially unlucky and misfortunate, I found a same-neuro-phenotype partner. We have been very happy for 13 years now. But we were 37 and 44 respectively, when we met.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I only made true friends in my mid 40s. Just don't push them away if they are not the type you are hoping for like single females. You might just lose them all. Even though most are the type that will stay with me.

 

[Fino]

I didn't have any friends until my early twenties and haven't stopped since. Don't give up hope!

 

[Kalinychta]

Are there any autism support groups in your area that are specifically for women? I’d start there. You’ll be able to interact with people who deal with the same difficulties you do.

 

[Shamar]

I'll start with saying that I have had no real friends ever since I was a child and I am 20 years old. Was completely friendless in elementary school and middle school, then in high school I got a friend group but they kicked me out for being too quiet. Now I started college this August and I still haven't made any friends or entered any groups despite trying a lot. Any time I try to start a conversation with someone, they either respond with bland answers, run away from me or interrupt our conversations to go talk to someone else. I tried joining clubs or getting hobbies but the people I got from there also ended up only being acquaintances and nothing more. Whenever I actually manage to get close to someone, they leave me after just a few months because of some mistake I have done, and it's not even a matter of "learn from your mistakes" because I ALWAYS make new mistakes that ALWAYS drive people away, even when fixing the old ones.

It all really makes me feel as if making friends was impossible to me and that I will just be alone forever. Anyone who has any solutions?

I had no friends when I was a child. Since that time (just turned 72) my total friend count is - - - zero. Not sure if that means I win or I lose. Obviously, I have no solutions for you. In college I started to find peace in recognizing that I would never have friends and had to learn to deal with it. The process took years. I am still alone and painfully lonely, but I have come to terms with it and accept the situation.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I had no friends when I was a child. Since that time (just turned 72) my total friend count is - - - zero.

I would have cracked out. I nearly did in my 40s which made me go out to try to make friends. I am now just realizing that I am now trying not to push them away because they are not a specific type of friend.