It never seems like enough

[AngelaS267]

Hey all,

I've had a difficult year and I feel like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders (I'm sure for many of us.) One thing that has just been grinding me down over the years is my performance at work never seeming to measure up to anyone's expectations.

I have an education, got my bachelors, I can articulate myself well up to a point but once I'm no longer able to keep up the masking, which I'd say happens immediately since I don't do well in most social situations, I end up feeling like a disappointment to the company I work for.

I interview very well. Cause I know what to say. It doesn't need to deviate much when you know what you're supposed to say so I think I may even sound more impressive that what I'm actually able to offer maybe. But once I'm there, it feels like I am never quit doing enough. A boss or manager always always has to talk to me about not taking initiative, or not doing enough work, or not talking enough or not being a "leader". Every role. I never even go for leadership roles cause I know for now where my short comings are, but somehow it's always apart of the criticism I receive from them and it has made me feel very hopeless in my career path.

I feel an immense pressure to perform well, to appear normal but becoming aware of the autism has made me feel like I worry now that people start to see my symptoms, or them perceiving how different I am. I'm hyper aware of it. And I don't tell my jobs I'm on the spectrum cause I don't have paperwork, and I kind of don't want further stigma for myself if I'm being honest.

I'm an office assistant right now and I feel like I'm being judged on my ability to lead. I can't just do what's asked of me. I always need to be aiming higher or have a goal for where I want to be in a company. I can't just go to work, do my job, and go home.

Does anyone else struggle with this at work? Have you been able to overcome these struggles? Maybe based on what you've read you have some insight that I'm not seeing. I just needed to talk about it with a community of people who would understand. Cause it's been a perpetual feeling of not being enough no matter how hard I try to show up and do what is asked of me.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hey all,

I've had a difficult year and I feel like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders (I'm sure for many of us.) One thing that has just been grinding me down over the years is my performance at work never seeming to measure up to anyone's expectations. I have an education, got my bachelors, I can articulate myself well up to a point but once I'm no longer able to keep up the masking, which I'd say happens immediately since I don't do well in most social situations, I end up feeling like a disappointment to the company I work for. I interview very well. Cause I know what to say. It doesn't need to deviate much when you know what you're supposed to say so I think I may even sound more impressive that what I'm actually able to offer maybe. But once I'm there, it feels like I am never quit doing enough. A boss or manager always always has to talk to me about not taking initiative, or not doing enough work, or not talking enough or not being a "leader". Every role. I never even go for leadership roles cause I know for now where my short comings are, but somehow it's always apart of the criticism I receive from them and it has made me feel very hopeless in my career path. I feel an immense pressure to perform well, to appear normal but becoming aware of the autism has made me feel like I worry now that people start to see my symptoms, or them perceiving how different I am. I'm hyper aware of it. And I don't tell my jobs I'm on the spectrum cause I don't have paperwork, and I kind of don't want further stigma for myself if I'm being honest. I'm an office assistant right now and I feel like I'm being judged on my ability to lead. I can't just do what's asked of me. I always need to be aiming higher or have a goal for where I want to be in a company. I can't just go to work, do my job, and go home. Does anyone else struggle with this at work? Have you been able to overcome these struggles? Maybe based on what you've read you have some insight that I'm not seeing. I just needed to talk about it with a community of people who would understand. Cause it's been a perpetual feeling of not being enough no matter how hard I try to show up and do what is asked of me.

Oh boy, does this hit home. The first thing I knew about myself was that I wasn't like other people. I couldn't interact at work on that level. I am socially awkward and clumsy. This has not changed in the 35+ years working at the hospital and as an instructor at a university. What I have found is that I have to compensate and excel in areas where my co-workers were lacking. If I can't be like them, if I know I can't do what they do, I have to be MORE than them in other areas. This is the only way I have found that my upline and peers can see me as a valuable member on the team. The level of knowledge that I have far and away exceeds that of my peers, and within the context of "all things airways and breathing" I exceed that of even the pulmonologists. I have been repeatedly told so by several doctors over the years and are dumbfounded why I haven't pursued neonatology or pulmonology. At any rate, this did not happen because of some gift of IQ, but rather a strong, internal drive to learn and be respected. I have spent countless hours studying on my own, and still do. I don't need to be a friend or the popular guy in the department, I need people to see me as a resource, a mentor, an educator. The moment I am not well above my peers in this respect, I will be seen as someone replaceable.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Furthermore, be very aware that you WILL be judged by neurotypical standards, whatever they are. If you know you are autistic, then being judged as a neurotypical is not appropriate. You know that, I know that, but your co-workers are clueless unless you are openly autistic with them and let them know what that means. Having said that, you might not be in a position of trust to do that.

So, again, if you can't beat them at their game, make sure they can't beat you at yours. EXCEL at what you do best and make sure you put some distance between them. It takes work, the type of work that many never see. You have to amaze and surprise people. The working world is about competition and how much value you are to the company. If your boss and co-workers see you as replaceable, you aren't of much value, then good luck on your next pay raise.

 

[Ken]

Yep, that is how it has been my whole life. It was especially stressful during my last job, the job that I retired from. It was the perfect job for me. I absolutely loved it. It fit me and was a perfect fit for my autism. I felt like I was in heaven there. Thus, it was extremely important to me. But, just as you describe, I felt like, regardless of any level of effort, I simply never measured up. I was always deficient. I felt like I was always on the edge of being fired. I also think my autism was very obvious. I don't think I was ever good at masking. The more I tried the worse it got.

On my last day while saying my goodbyes, my boss shook my hand and told me he really hated to seem me go. He then told me that I was, by far, the best employee he ever had. I was floored. I was shocked. I almost gagged right there rendering me unable to speak. For as long as I knew my boss, he never ever lied about or sugar coated anything. He was a just-the-facts man. That made is even harder to believe.

I've known for a while that autistic's perceive things differently. I guess I always perceived my relationship and my value to the company very differently from everyone else. I just never perceived any positive feedback.

Perhaps you are better than it appears to you that you are? I was dead certain that I was deficient. I never perceived any different until that very moment. It took me several months of reviewing my life and work to make sense of it. At least, now after retirement, I can, for the first time in my life, actually feel good about my career.

I wish you the best. I hope it all works out for you like it did for me. I just hope you don't have to wait all the way to retirement to realize it!

There was never any mention, but I now suspect my boss knew that I was autistic. He made an effort to ensure I was always in an autistic friendly work environment. However, he always tried to get me to speak up during design review meetings, but I never could. If I did, it never went well. Thus, no possible chance of be being any sort of a leader. So, even with all my inabilities and autistic mannerisms, I was still worth more than I thought I was. I suspect, so are you.

 

[Aspychata]

That's why my best bosses were on the spectrum. Other bosses just don't get you, don't appreciate that you do work hard, but maybe you don't want leadership. My daughter who is ND, was just offered a leadership type position with huge money, and she is really trying to work thru the dynamics of if she even wants the position.

 

[AngelaS267]

Furthermore, be very aware that you WILL be judged by neurotypical standards, whatever they are. If you know you are autistic, then being judged as a neurotypical is not appropriate. You know that, I know that, but your co-workers are clueless unless you are openly autistic with them and let them know what that means. Having said that, you might not be in a position of trust to do that.

So, again, if you can't beat them at their game, make sure they can't beat you at yours. EXCEL at what you do best and make sure you put some distance between them. It takes work, the type of work that many never see. You have to amaze and surprise people. The working world is about competition and how much value you are to the company. If your boss and co-workers see you as replaceable, you aren't of much value, then good luck on your next pay raise.

Thank you so much for the response, it was actually rejuvenating and grounding. They always say I'm smart and bright but there's something I'm missing to where it's never exceptional work. I end up fading into the shadows of my job. I am good at a lot of things I just have to hone into those skills.

 

[AngelaS267]

That's why my best bosses were on the spectrum. Other bosses just don't get you, don't appreciate that you do work hard, but maybe you don't want leadership. My daughter who is ND, was just offered a leadership type position with huge money, and she is really trying to work thru the dynamics of if she even wants the position. I don't want leadership, but l do get offered it, but it just doesn't seem

I had an excellent job before this one where they were extremely accommodating. And I worked closely with a woman who also felt she was on the spectrum and she understood me perfectly, it was god sent. I didn't have to explain my behavior, we could sit in silence, I loved hearing about her special interests and we could be odd together. We also didn't like attention on us but we got the job done. It was the happiest I ever was at a job. I felt for the first time I had a support system.

 

[AngelaS267]

Yep, that is how it has been my whole life. It was especially stressful during my last job, the job that I retired from. It was the perfect job for me. I absolutely loved it. It fit me and was a perfect fit for my autism. I felt like I was in heaven there. Thus, it was extremely important to me. But, just as you describe, I felt like, regardless of any level of effort, I simply never measured up. I was always deficient. I felt like I was always on the edge of being fired. I also think my autism was very obvious. I don't think I was ever good at masking. The more I tried the worse it got.

On my last day while saying my goodbyes, my boss shook my hand and told me he really hated to seem me go. He then told me that I was, by far, the best employee he ever had. I was floored. I was shocked. I almost gagged right there rendering me unable to speak. For as long as I knew my boss, he never ever lied about or sugar coated anything. He was a just-the-facts man. That made is even harder to believe.

I've known for a while that autistic's perceive things differently. I guess I always perceived my relationship and my value to the company very differently from everyone else. I just never perceived any positive feedback.

Perhaps you are better than it appears to you that you are? I was dead certain that I was deficient. I never perceived any different until that very moment. It took me several months of reviewing my life and work to make sense of it. At least, now after retirement, I can, for the first time in my life, actually feel good about my career.

I wish you the best. I hope it all works out for you like it did for me. I just hope you don't have to wait all the way to retirement to realize it!

There was never any mention, but I now suspect my boss knew that I was autistic. He made an effort to ensure I was always in an autistic friendly work environment. However, he always tried to get me to speak up during design review meetings, but I never could. If I did, it never went well. Thus, no possible chance of be being any sort of a leader. So, even with all my inabilities and autistic mannerisms, I was still worth more than I thought I was. I suspect, so are you.

That was how my last job was somewhat but I could still tell I was stagnant. It was less about me doing a bad job after a while and me just getting comfortable doing my role and not progressing or wanting to explore or grow in my role. I hope I can be or just feel that useful in my job.

 

[Kaz2012]

Hey all,

I've had a difficult year and I feel like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders (I'm sure for many of us.) One thing that has just been grinding me down over the years is my performance at work never seeming to measure up to anyone's expectations.

I have an education, got my bachelors, I can articulate myself well up to a point but once I'm no longer able to keep up the masking, which I'd say happens immediately since I don't do well in most social situations, I end up feeling like a disappointment to the company I work for.

I interview very well. Cause I know what to say. It doesn't need to deviate much when you know what you're supposed to say so I think I may even sound more impressive that what I'm actually able to offer maybe. But once I'm there, it feels like I am never quit doing enough. A boss or manager always always has to talk to me about not taking initiative, or not doing enough work, or not talking enough or not being a "leader". Every role. I never even go for leadership roles cause I know for now where my short comings are, but somehow it's always apart of the criticism I receive from them and it has made me feel very hopeless in my career path.

I feel an immense pressure to perform well, to appear normal but becoming aware of the autism has made me feel like I worry now that people start to see my symptoms, or them perceiving how different I am. I'm hyper aware of it. And I don't tell my jobs I'm on the spectrum cause I don't have paperwork, and I kind of don't want further stigma for myself if I'm being honest.

I'm an office assistant right now and I feel like I'm being judged on my ability to lead. I can't just do what's asked of me. I always need to be aiming higher or have a goal for where I want to be in a company. I can't just go to work, do my job, and go home.

Does anyone else struggle with this at work? Have you been able to overcome these struggles? Maybe based on what you've read you have some insight that I'm not seeing. I just needed to talk about it with a community of people who would understand. Cause it's been a perpetual feeling of not being enough no matter how hard I try to show up and do what is asked of me.

I totally agree and can relate. I just want to do my job and that's it. But the focus now at my work with socialising, and a focus on not just what you have accomplished but HOW you did it (and that relates to conforming with NT behaviour standards). It's awful. I have been told to modify my behaviour and basically not to be honest - supposedly they value people telling the truth but only when it's the truth they want to hear. So even when it is obvious that the company is doing something illogical and stupid you cannot say it and have to support it and be constantly positive about it or you get a lesser performance rating. This supposedly from a place that values and understands neurodiversity. Just totally over it.

The only way I can deal with it is to explain to my one ups about my condition and keep fighting as much as I can for autistic people and trying to make them understand our perspective and how we function. Apart from that I engage as little as possible and just focus on my job. I have reconciled myself to the fact that it will never be something I enjoy or find fulfilling in any way - just do it to get money to live on and to have to spend on hobbies and interests. I also work from home (lucky to have this) so can easily avoid face to face office contact and socialising. I realise this is not possible for many people though.

 

[AngelaS267]

I totally agree and can relate. I just want to do my job and that's it. But the focus now at my work with socialising, and a focus on not just what you have accomplished but HOW you did it (and that relates to conforming with NT behaviour standards). It's awful. I have been told to modify my behaviour and basically not to be honest - supposedly they value people telling the truth but only when it's the truth they want to hear. So even when it is obvious that the company is doing something illogical and stupid you cannot say it and have to support it and be constantly positive about it or you get a lesser performance rating. This supposedly from a place that values and understands neurodiversity. Just totally over it.

The only way I can deal with it is to explain to my one ups about my condition and keep fighting as much as I can for autistic people and trying to make them understand our perspective and how we function. Apart from that I engage as little as possible and just focus on my job. I have reconciled myself to the fact that it will never be something I enjoy or find fulfilling in any way - just do it to get money to live on and to have to spend on hobbies and interests. I also work from home (lucky to have this) so can easily avoid face to face office contact and socialising. I realise this is not possible for many people though.

I know! I feel like they want me to echo how they already feel a lot of the time. Like at this place they want everyone to give feedback to other coworkers and criticism. I don't agree with it cause I feel like it creates hostility and I am not that passionate about how someone else is doing their job. I wish I could get a work from home job and that's what I'm aiming for next. If I can breath in-between some human interaction and do my little weirdo stuff from the safety of my home that would be a happy medium.

 

[Kaz2012]

I know! I feel like they want me to echo how they already feel a lot of the time. Like at this place they want everyone to give feedback to other coworkers and criticism. I don't agree with it cause I feel like it creates hostility and I am not that passionate about how someone else is doing their job. I wish I could get a work from home job and that's what I'm aiming for next. If I can breath in-between some human interaction and do my little weirdo stuff from the safety of my home that would be a happy medium.

Yes working from home is great - one of the few good things to come out of covid. Although my workplace had work from home before that, so even before covid I was lucky enough to work from home most days. I wish and hope you get the work from home job you want.
Yeah - the constant feedback stuff...I don't understand the NT need for validation

 

[Judge]

I tend to be the exact opposite. With great difficulty with most any job interview, but if I get the job, I usually excel at whatever they throw at me. I'm quite accomplished when it comes to executive functioning, yet sometimes struggle when it comes to socialization.

Though I'd say that with most employers, no matter how well you might do, they'll always want more.

 

[AngelaS267]

I tend to be the exact opposite. With great difficulty with most any job interview, but if I get the job, I usually excel at whatever they throw at me. I'm quite accomplished when it comes to executive functioning, yet sometimes struggle when it comes to socialization.

Though I'd say that with most employers, no matter how well you might do, they'll always want more.

Yes, like sometimes I can't tell if I am doing well performance wise but my mannerisms are making it to where I constantly get the criticism or if maybe I'm really not performing great and my mannerisms are enhancing that. It sucks when I think I'm trying my hardest but I still get criticism

 

[AprilR]

I have the exact same problem. I could have written this myself. What does it even mean the ability to lead? I never wanted this responsibility either. Everyday it has been so hard for me, i improved a lot but in the end it is not enough.

I am sorry you are also going through this, but reading this also made me feel less alone.

 

[AngelaS267]

I have the exact same problem. I could have written this myself. What does it even mean the ability to lead? I never wanted this responsibility either. Everyday it has been so hard for me, i improved a lot but in the end it is not enough.

I am sorry you are also going through this, but reading this also made me feel less alone.

I'm glad to know someone understands what I'm saying. We walk in the world so different from everyone that it can feel so isolating, but I'm happy to know there are really people like me who do understand.