It's a bit of a rollercoaster - who am I?

[Duncan74]

So 2 weeks on since discovering that autism/Aspergers's perfect;ly describes the last 48 years of my life, and I'm a bit all over the place. Not helped by work craziness (very busy, very stressful) last week and then the arrival of my father in law, and taking him on a road trip (minimal routine, planning ahead and time alone).

But amongst this background, I've still been researching what this all means. And that's hard. Reading the Attwood book, I'm finding that it's too heavily biased to childhood for what perhaps I was hoping/expecting, but that has then led me down a different rabbit hole. As a child I hated school, and kept hearing about how schooldays were the happiest in your life, and that confused me more and made me really depressed in case that was true. I was bullied, lonely, hated myself as much as I was hated by everyone else. No friends, was even an outsider to the outsider group. And so fair to say that I've spent a lot of time (and counseling) effort to stop reflecting back on those years. But now reading the book I can see just how almost all of those things are linked.

But I'm also concerned at the descriptions and text that doesn't sound like an adult that can be happy and successful in 'life' with aspergers. I know I really struggle with the interpersonal conversations. The last few years have been really disruptive. In part then the use of video calls to replace meetings and phone calls, the use of chat text has been amazingly helpful - in part everyone more aware at signalling their intent explicitly, and in part I find it easier to study someone in a video call than in person. But now we are moving back to meeting people, to doing social events, and things are unravelling a bit just as the book describes. And just as my history has, so the book is enlightening, as it's helping me understand the 'why' all that has been happened and is happening. But my mental challenge is who I am - the person that was relatively successful in covid business world, or the person now that's starting to flounder.

And then next part of the 'who am I'. Oddly, I've spent most of my life from about 14 until last year convinced I was adopted. I say this very bluntly, but it's down to not having any of that emotional connection, and a couple of other 'half' things - snippets of conversations by my parents, some slight oddities in things around when I was born. But in reality, my birth certificate completely and utterly proves I'm not. But in my mind I've still been unsure. But now I've a reverse - it would seem that there is a huge likelihood that my condition is passed down from my father. He's had several breakdowns in the past, including being diagnosed bi-polar 30 odd years back. But now, things like he only writes in block capitals, his gambling addiction, and the same lack of connection/empathy when we're having a conversation. This bit has really blown my mind. Now beyond this, he's never really had friends as such, people he goes with, and talks to about sport - rugby league and cricket. But then how many men globally are obsessed by sports/sports stats, and really base their entire social life around that? Stereotypes are based on some truth ;-)

So my head is spinning a lot at the moment. Starting this journey at a time of year when routine gets ripped up and my access to formal support is limited is perhaps less than ideal. But as my counselor said when we talked last week, it felt like there was a great weight lifted off my shoulder when I first made the connection to Autism. Just now I'm feeling as if I'm starting to pick up some new weight.

 

[Shamar]

So 2 weeks on since discovering that autism/Aspergers's perfect;ly describes the last 48 years of my life, and I'm a bit all over the place. Not helped by work craziness (very busy, very stressful) last week and then the arrival of my father in law, and taking him on a road trip (minimal routine, planning ahead and time alone).

But amongst this background, I've still been researching what this all means. And that's hard. Reading the Attwood book, I'm finding that it's too heavily biased to childhood for what perhaps I was hoping/expecting, but that has then led me down a different rabbit hole. As a child I hated school, and kept hearing about how schooldays were the happiest in your life, and that confused me more and made me really depressed in case that was true. I was bullied, lonely, hated myself as much as I was hated by everyone else. No friends, was even an outsider to the outsider group. And so fair to say that I've spent a lot of time (and counseling) effort to stop reflecting back on those years. But now reading the book I can see just how almost all of those things are linked.

But I'm also concerned at the descriptions and text that doesn't sound like an adult that can be happy and successful in 'life' with aspergers. I know I really struggle with the interpersonal conversations. The last few years have been really disruptive. In part then the use of video calls to replace meetings and phone calls, the use of chat text has been amazingly helpful - in part everyone more aware at signalling their intent explicitly, and in part I find it easier to study someone in a video call than in person. But now we are moving back to meeting people, to doing social events, and things are unravelling a bit just as the book describes. And just as my history has, so the book is enlightening, as it's helping me understand the 'why' all that has been happened and is happening. But my mental challenge is who I am - the person that was relatively successful in covid business world, or the person now that's starting to flounder.

And then next part of the 'who am I'. Oddly, I've spent most of my life from about 14 until last year convinced I was adopted. I say this very bluntly, but it's down to not having any of that emotional connection, and a couple of other 'half' things - snippets of conversations by my parents, some slight oddities in things around when I was born. But in reality, my birth certificate completely and utterly proves I'm not. But in my mind I've still been unsure. But now I've a reverse - it would seem that there is a huge likelihood that my condition is passed down from my father. He's had several breakdowns in the past, including being diagnosed bi-polar 30 odd years back. But now, things like he only writes in block capitals, his gambling addiction, and the same lack of connection/empathy when we're having a conversation. This bit has really blown my mind. Now beyond this, he's never really had friends as such, people he goes with, and talks to about sport - rugby league and cricket. But then how many men globally are obsessed by sports/sports stats, and really base their entire social life around that? Stereotypes are based on some truth ;-)

So my head is spinning a lot at the moment. Starting this journey at a time of year when routine gets ripped up and my access to formal support is limited is perhaps less than ideal. But as my counselor said when we talked last week, it felt like there was a great weight lifted off my shoulder when I first made the connection to Autism. Just now I'm feeling as if I'm starting to pick up some new weight.

You are exactly the same person you were before. The diagnosis does not change you or who you are. What the diagnosis does is answer questions and give you perspective. You can now understand the "why" of your life, and you can make better decisions based of it. There are many resources out there to help you with this. Opinions differ, but in my experience very, very few are actually useful.

I was in your situation a while back, diagnosed at age 60. I accepted the diagnosis quickly, since it explained my life far better than anything else. This was over 10 years ago. What I am still coming to terms with is all the "what ifs" that would be different, had I only known at a younger age. This has been the difficult part for me. There are many here in the same situation her, having been diagnosed late in life, and you will find many different responses and opinions. You will find lots of perspective here.

 

[Outdated]

A lot of what you describe sounds very similar to me, especially in childhood. My school life was 12 years of extreme trauma, I don't have a single happy memory from school.

One of my favourite daydreams as a child was that one day a man from the government would come and get me and give me back to my real family. It broke my heart when the lady in the corner shop commented on how alike my sister and I looked.

I was a printer by trade and many places where I worked they used me to train apprentices, it was something I was good at and I enjoyed it.

As for happiness - I reckon I've had a far better life than most people can imagine. There's been a few rough patches here and there, including a few tragedies, but overall I've had a great time.

Life is what you make of it. You can be whoever you want to be.

Try reading some of my stories in the members/adulthood section, I think you'll relate to quite a bit of them.

 

[Aspychata]

I always thought l was adopted too. I did feel like am outsider always, however l have stepped out of the box most of my life which has always brought confusing follow-ups from people who aren't my friends and whatever.

I am able to multitask quite well because l enjoy being challenged. However l hate it when people try to manipulate me and force me into things l have zero interest. I feel l am a free spirit and too many try to force some type of slave labor down my throat, so l just stay to myself for the most part because l can't fit expectations or be something l am not. Perhaps it's better to accept that we change, and therefore are a conflicting mishmash of ideas and thoughts?

Welcome.

 

[Duncan74]

@Outdated. I've really enjoyed reading your posts - I love that you've really 'owned' your life. I've spent mine battling to fit the stereotype, the one big relief is that I never followed the expectation to have children. Thankfully my wife was on the same page, for different reasons, and so there was only the pressure from outside/society.

@Shamar - you're right I've not changed, but my reasoning has. So it's been a real battle the last 2 weeks of work year not to 'explain' to my colleagues. Funny thing is about 5 years ago I started providing new colleagues with a 'Duncan user manual' induction when we first started working together. Set my expectations of them, let them know how I work, how to get the best, what's likely to lead to my worst and for them to be really clear and for me to strongly encourage them to voice to me if my comms with them had gone to far and they were offended. So yep, in hindsight, how I didn't realise and no-one else mentioned the A word (to my face) before now is somewhat crazy.

@Aspychata - this 'adopted' feeling is an interesting one. I'd not seen it written before, but interesting seeing this resonate with a few others is comforting.

At the moment everything is a learning experience. Today I'm on holiday and so offered to cook a big breakfast for the family. Now I love baking as a 'mindful' relaxing hobby, but I got all flustered today with doing a cooked breakfast. Why? Because baking is about precise following of instructions in a sequence. Little multi-tasking as i tend to measure out all the ingredients before, and have them all lined up in order. But trying to get 5 different foods cooked in parallel to be ready at the same time made me stressed. So, is this really, a learning? Or just me being a male getting flustered in the kitchen because we can't multi-task ;-) I know over the years at work I've been exceptional when singletasked with work, but can't project manage to save my life. I know all the things that are important, when everything needs to happen, but then when it comes to it as soon as the perfect pre-prepared plan hits a bump - someone is late with information, something outside my control takes a bit longer, then the house of cards comes crashing down.

I got really upset with myself yesterday. I managed to mess up the recording of the soccer final - I'm not interested but wife and father are big soccer fans. My wife was fine about it, they got to see from half time and she was fine, but her dad was really grumpy about it. I took it all on my shoulders. So then I went for a run along a lakeside while they watched it, and an overall feeing of sadness and isolation came over me.

Yesterday afternoon I just spent some time on my own. I needed to get that, but I can't explain to him why I need that quiet time. He keeps thinking I'm grumpy with him or rude. I'm just overwhelmed with playing the tourist host and chauffeur to him, staying in the same holiday apartments, away from my 'recharge' places. On the plus at this rate I'll be 10kg lighter after the holidays with all the running I'm doing at the moment - only time I get peace ;-)

 

[Outdated]

It sounds to me like you've worked quite a lot out about yourself without ever thinking about autism, that's something many people can't manage, so well done.

Something else to look forward to - as I got in to my 50s Grumpy Old Man Syndrome settled in too, I'm much less tolerant of interruptions and surprises these days, and of annoying people, but that's common enough that most people seem to sort of expect it from us anyway.

I'm glad you found some of my stories helpful, and I look forward to you writing some of your own at some stage.

 

[Au Naturel]

So 2 weeks on since discovering that autism/Aspergers's perfect;ly describes the last 48 years of my life, and I'm a bit all over the place. Not helped by work craziness (very busy, very stressful) last week and then the arrival of my father in law, and taking him on a road trip (minimal routine, planning ahead and time alone).

But amongst this background, I've still been researching what this all means. And that's hard. Reading the Attwood book, I'm finding that it's too heavily biased to childhood for what perhaps I was hoping/expecting, but that has then led me down a different rabbit hole. As a child I hated school, and kept hearing about how schooldays were the happiest in your life, and that confused me more and made me really depressed in case that was true. I was bullied, lonely, hated myself as much as I was hated by everyone else. No friends, was even an outsider to the outsider group. And so fair to say that I've spent a lot of time (and counseling) effort to stop reflecting back on those years. But now reading the book I can see just how almost all of those things are linked.

But I'm also concerned at the descriptions and text that doesn't sound like an adult that can be happy and successful in 'life' with aspergers. I know I really struggle with the interpersonal conversations. The last few years have been really disruptive. In part then the use of video calls to replace meetings and phone calls, the use of chat text has been amazingly helpful - in part everyone more aware at signalling their intent explicitly, and in part I find it easier to study someone in a video call than in person. But now we are moving back to meeting people, to doing social events, and things are unravelling a bit just as the book describes. And just as my history has, so the book is enlightening, as it's helping me understand the 'why' all that has been happened and is happening. But my mental challenge is who I am - the person that was relatively successful in covid business world, or the person now that's starting to flounder.

And then next part of the 'who am I'. Oddly, I've spent most of my life from about 14 until last year convinced I was adopted. I say this very bluntly, but it's down to not having any of that emotional connection, and a couple of other 'half' things - snippets of conversations by my parents, some slight oddities in things around when I was born. But in reality, my birth certificate completely and utterly proves I'm not. But in my mind I've still been unsure. But now I've a reverse - it would seem that there is a huge likelihood that my condition is passed down from my father. He's had several breakdowns in the past, including being diagnosed bi-polar 30 odd years back. But now, things like he only writes in block capitals, his gambling addiction, and the same lack of connection/empathy when we're having a conversation. This bit has really blown my mind. Now beyond this, he's never really had friends as such, people he goes with, and talks to about sport - rugby league and cricket. But then how many men globally are obsessed by sports/sports stats, and really base their entire social life around that? Stereotypes are based on some truth ;-)

So my head is spinning a lot at the moment. Starting this journey at a time of year when routine gets ripped up and my access to formal support is limited is perhaps less than ideal. But as my counselor said when we talked last week, it felt like there was a great weight lifted off my shoulder when I first made the connection to Autism. Just now I'm feeling as if I'm starting to pick up some new weight.

Uh... your birth certificate means nothing. They often produce fake birth cert. for adopted infants. If my older cousin hadn't told me as a kid, I wouldn't have known until I was 60.

But since you discovered so many common traits with your father, I'm quite sure you were his biological child.

I discovered my bio-family by doing a "23 and Me" test, looking for medical issues. (Ancestry has more members and might be better for this.) A week later, I was connected to my biological family. A week later, I flew out to meet my adoptive mother on her deathbed.

You can't diagnose dead people from second and third-hand stories but I see a lot of standard autistic traits in both biological parents.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

But I'm also concerned at the descriptions and text that doesn't sound like an adult that can be happy and successful in 'life' with aspergers.

Yes we can, but it takes a lot of work and accommodation. I was not diagnosed until 60 and spent my teen and young adult years not knowing. I had to learn how to be social, like myself and my interests. And when I started to date at 26 I learned to approach girls/women in a way that let them get to know me, because, honestly, I do not come off well superficially. I got into activity groups and met a wonderfully accepting woman, my spouse.

My ASD has allowed me to contribute significantly in my career where I have worked in various countries. An interesting life resulted with a loving partner. Such success may not be common, but with goals that you treat like a special interest, it is attainable.

 

[Storm Hess]

It was strange for me to accept that I was Autistic, because of the stigma attached to it when I was growing up. I'm 55...back when I was growing up, there was no acceptence, no one talked about mental health, so for me to accept that diagnosis was difficult. I went through sadness and anger more because I wish I would of been able to know earlier in life and then maybe I could of had some help growing up. That would of been nice to have.

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes we can, but it takes a lot of work and accommodation. I was not diagnosed until 60 and spent my teen and young adult years not knowing. I had to learn how to be social, like myself and my interests. And when I started to date at 26 I learned to approach girls/women in a way that let them get to know me, because, honestly, I do not come off well superficially. I got into activity groups and met a wonderfully accepting woman, my spouse.

My ASD has allowed me to contribute significantly in my career where I have worked in various countries. An interesting life resulted with a loving partner. Such success may not be common, but with goals that you treat like a special interest, it is attainable.

You are fortunate.

I don't feel ASD has benefitted me in any way. Every relationship I've ever had would have been better without it. Every job I've worked would have been easier.

Without ASD, I might have had a career instead of a series of jobs. Some of those jobs paid well and lasted a few years. But that is what it turns into when managers don't see you as promotable. That goes to the person who is bubbly and upbeat or the person who is confident and assertive or the person who is smooth and schmoozes.

I'm not any of those. I'm able to talk my way into a job. Maintaining that attitude doesn't last long and soon I'm almost invisible at work.

Under different conditions, I can see how it could have worked out much better. But life isn't what you wish for. It is what you've got. If you can't change the world, you make the best of what you have.