krisi
Well-Known Member
Background I've been slightly resistant to getting a diagnosis, even after my physician agreed that my symptoms were indicative of AS. My point of view on the situation is that there is no point in getting a diagnosis if I do not plan to receive treatment. My physician's words were precisely, "Looking at the symptoms you have presented, I would say that you have mild, well-compensated for Asperger's. It looks like it is only mildly disruptive to your daily life, but I would encourage you to seek full evaluation if you feel that it's interfering significantly."
A bit about me that you may or may not knowI'm finishing up my undergraduate degree, but I am also into a special program within my department that does two things 1)It allows me to start taking graduate classes for graduate credit while I am still a senior in undergrad and 2)It grants me direct admission into my university's graduate program in my field. With all of my exams, I tend to be one of the last to finish, but I typically finish within the allotted time. I've had a handful of jobs, all of which provide good references for me. I have balanced work and school, even balanced multiple jobs and school. This has all been with no additional supports or special services. I have friends of varying degrees of closeness, both in real life and online. I get along with my classmates and coworkers. I tell you this not to brag, but to try to explain how, on the surface, my autistic traits have not significantly interfered with my functioning.
If you're doing so well, then what's the problem? A couple of things. I really have trouble maintaining close friendships. There are people that I have been friends with for a long time and enjoy seeing intermittently, but we pretty much just catch up, talk about things towards the surface (current events in our lives with some emotion attached), and go our separate ways. With other relationships, it's pretty easy for me to become overly attached, then have something happen, and just detach completely from the person. Sometimes that detachment happens easily and it's not a problem, but sometimes I don't want to but I don't know how to fix the relationship. Second, my stim behaviors seem to ebb and flow in quantity and intensity. Most of the time I "stereotypical stim" for emotional reasons: flapping my hands when excited, rocking when nervous or quite upset. I also dance as a semi-socially appropriate stim, although random dancing in stores and bowling alleys are not exactly "normal". The problem with my stim behaviors: I have some self-aggressive stim behaviors. When I can't communicate how I'm feeling, I tend to scratch myself repeatedly, usually in places that are covered by clothes (tummy and upper arms are most typical--I do not cut, I don't think the behavior types are the same). I have also noticed that when I am extremely frustrated or anxious, especially if I am overtired or just emotionally exhausted, I tend to bang my head. I know it's not good, but when I do it, I feel like I need to, and it feels...not exactly good, but right, if that makes any sense.
So why aren't you getting help? I've been in and out of counseling since I was nine years old (I am now 22). When I was nine, I really didn't have anything clinically significant that would have indicated that I needed counseling (though I did have many traits of AS, as my third-grade descriptive report showed), the reason that I was in counseling was because of my parents divorce: the counseling was court-ordered. My mom's first husband had been abusive towards her, but he was also abusive towards me, physically and emotionally (a friend of mine said I also acted in ways typical of someone who had been sexually abused, but as I do not remember being sexually abused, I will not say that I have been). Still, he had shared custody, and I saw him several times throughout each month. That first counselor that I had to see, in one of our sessions, I told her that my father (he was my father at the time--that's also complicated) was hurting me. Instead of telling child protective services, the judge, or my mother, this counselor told my father. That just made it worse. In late middle school, I became suicidal. That was when I started going to my second counselor, and got my first diagnosis: dysthymic disorder (basically a mild, persistent depression). During this time period, I made the decision to stop seeing my father, and at this point I was old enough (13) to have that decision legally recognized. However, this counselor's goal for me, which was not explicit but became apparent as "therapy" went on, was to get me to go back to seeing my father. After several sessions of "reconciliation" preparation, where she wanted to work me up to sitting in a room talking with him, I refused to go back. After her, I saw two other counselors in high school that were pretty mediocre experiences. They weren't terrible, but they never really looked at the whole picture: they either wanted to focus only on the past while neglecting the "here and now" that I needed to talk about, or they looked at the "here and now" without considering the past. In college, I went to the counseling center a couple of times, for difficulty adjusting during the start of my freshman year, and for some depression/anxiety problems later. During one of those sessions, the counselor, who had only just met me and spoken with me for less than an hour told me that he "strongly recommended that I go on medication." I found that so offensive that he made that statement without a diagnostic session, without getting to know me, without knowing how much things did or did not affect my life that I did not go back. Bottom line here: I really have trouble trusting counselors.
A lot of that doesn't sound like Asperger's... I know--hence my status says, "unsure". Children who have been abused tend to have difficulty with emotional reciprocity, difficulty interacting with peers, depression, and altogether disrupted social interaction. These are also all traits of AS. I also have mentioned that I have difficulty regulating emotions: this is a trait of AS, but it is also a trait of EBD (Emotional Behavioral Disorder--which is sometimes idiopathic, but sometimes results from severe abuse).
So why AS and not EBD? EBD doesn't include the stimming or sensory aversions, and it doesn't account for some of the behaviors and struggles I had in earlier childhood (some emotional dysregulation, lots of sensory issues). I also have intermittent extreme obsessions for months and years at a time (Example: about this time two years ago, I only wanted to talk about the TV show Firefly), poor motor skills, insistence on routine (I do very poorly when I don't have a set routine), and difficulty with transitions. EBD could be a possible co-diagnosis (Such as ADHD and AS, or Depression and AS, or Schizophrenia and Depression), but I think my current difficulties are caused by AS. (Also, stims aside, I have very good behavioral control, even if I don't have very good emotional control).
What exactly are you asking, Krisi? How do I get help for the problems I have listed in the third paragraph without necessarily going to a counselor? If a counselor is necessary, is a diagnosis? If a counselor is necessary, how do I find a decent one? What alternatives do I have aside from professional counseling? Does AS seem to be my main concern--or do you think these issues stem entirely from something else? Really, I don't know what I'm asking, I just know that I'm struggling right now.
A bit about me that you may or may not knowI'm finishing up my undergraduate degree, but I am also into a special program within my department that does two things 1)It allows me to start taking graduate classes for graduate credit while I am still a senior in undergrad and 2)It grants me direct admission into my university's graduate program in my field. With all of my exams, I tend to be one of the last to finish, but I typically finish within the allotted time. I've had a handful of jobs, all of which provide good references for me. I have balanced work and school, even balanced multiple jobs and school. This has all been with no additional supports or special services. I have friends of varying degrees of closeness, both in real life and online. I get along with my classmates and coworkers. I tell you this not to brag, but to try to explain how, on the surface, my autistic traits have not significantly interfered with my functioning.
If you're doing so well, then what's the problem? A couple of things. I really have trouble maintaining close friendships. There are people that I have been friends with for a long time and enjoy seeing intermittently, but we pretty much just catch up, talk about things towards the surface (current events in our lives with some emotion attached), and go our separate ways. With other relationships, it's pretty easy for me to become overly attached, then have something happen, and just detach completely from the person. Sometimes that detachment happens easily and it's not a problem, but sometimes I don't want to but I don't know how to fix the relationship. Second, my stim behaviors seem to ebb and flow in quantity and intensity. Most of the time I "stereotypical stim" for emotional reasons: flapping my hands when excited, rocking when nervous or quite upset. I also dance as a semi-socially appropriate stim, although random dancing in stores and bowling alleys are not exactly "normal". The problem with my stim behaviors: I have some self-aggressive stim behaviors. When I can't communicate how I'm feeling, I tend to scratch myself repeatedly, usually in places that are covered by clothes (tummy and upper arms are most typical--I do not cut, I don't think the behavior types are the same). I have also noticed that when I am extremely frustrated or anxious, especially if I am overtired or just emotionally exhausted, I tend to bang my head. I know it's not good, but when I do it, I feel like I need to, and it feels...not exactly good, but right, if that makes any sense.
So why aren't you getting help? I've been in and out of counseling since I was nine years old (I am now 22). When I was nine, I really didn't have anything clinically significant that would have indicated that I needed counseling (though I did have many traits of AS, as my third-grade descriptive report showed), the reason that I was in counseling was because of my parents divorce: the counseling was court-ordered. My mom's first husband had been abusive towards her, but he was also abusive towards me, physically and emotionally (a friend of mine said I also acted in ways typical of someone who had been sexually abused, but as I do not remember being sexually abused, I will not say that I have been). Still, he had shared custody, and I saw him several times throughout each month. That first counselor that I had to see, in one of our sessions, I told her that my father (he was my father at the time--that's also complicated) was hurting me. Instead of telling child protective services, the judge, or my mother, this counselor told my father. That just made it worse. In late middle school, I became suicidal. That was when I started going to my second counselor, and got my first diagnosis: dysthymic disorder (basically a mild, persistent depression). During this time period, I made the decision to stop seeing my father, and at this point I was old enough (13) to have that decision legally recognized. However, this counselor's goal for me, which was not explicit but became apparent as "therapy" went on, was to get me to go back to seeing my father. After several sessions of "reconciliation" preparation, where she wanted to work me up to sitting in a room talking with him, I refused to go back. After her, I saw two other counselors in high school that were pretty mediocre experiences. They weren't terrible, but they never really looked at the whole picture: they either wanted to focus only on the past while neglecting the "here and now" that I needed to talk about, or they looked at the "here and now" without considering the past. In college, I went to the counseling center a couple of times, for difficulty adjusting during the start of my freshman year, and for some depression/anxiety problems later. During one of those sessions, the counselor, who had only just met me and spoken with me for less than an hour told me that he "strongly recommended that I go on medication." I found that so offensive that he made that statement without a diagnostic session, without getting to know me, without knowing how much things did or did not affect my life that I did not go back. Bottom line here: I really have trouble trusting counselors.
A lot of that doesn't sound like Asperger's... I know--hence my status says, "unsure". Children who have been abused tend to have difficulty with emotional reciprocity, difficulty interacting with peers, depression, and altogether disrupted social interaction. These are also all traits of AS. I also have mentioned that I have difficulty regulating emotions: this is a trait of AS, but it is also a trait of EBD (Emotional Behavioral Disorder--which is sometimes idiopathic, but sometimes results from severe abuse).
So why AS and not EBD? EBD doesn't include the stimming or sensory aversions, and it doesn't account for some of the behaviors and struggles I had in earlier childhood (some emotional dysregulation, lots of sensory issues). I also have intermittent extreme obsessions for months and years at a time (Example: about this time two years ago, I only wanted to talk about the TV show Firefly), poor motor skills, insistence on routine (I do very poorly when I don't have a set routine), and difficulty with transitions. EBD could be a possible co-diagnosis (Such as ADHD and AS, or Depression and AS, or Schizophrenia and Depression), but I think my current difficulties are caused by AS. (Also, stims aside, I have very good behavioral control, even if I don't have very good emotional control).
What exactly are you asking, Krisi? How do I get help for the problems I have listed in the third paragraph without necessarily going to a counselor? If a counselor is necessary, is a diagnosis? If a counselor is necessary, how do I find a decent one? What alternatives do I have aside from professional counseling? Does AS seem to be my main concern--or do you think these issues stem entirely from something else? Really, I don't know what I'm asking, I just know that I'm struggling right now.
