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I've been different all my life..

Veggie87

Veggie87

Member
I'm 27 yrs. old. I'm a college graduate, married, and a mother to a beautiful baby girl. On the surface my life seems pretty normal but it's not.

I've been bullied all my life. I've never been able to make friends. In pre-k I was isolated. I would play by myself E V E R Y day. Elementary school was the same thing. The difference was that I was an excellent reader and good with numbers. I became known as the smart one.. "The odd one".

I'm trying to sunmarize my life! I've never been able to make friends or keep friends. I can't have a conversation and if I do I'm always the listener. I suffer from severe anxiety due to this. I've had deep depression and a suicide attempt in my teens. I've always known that i'm just not all there.

It's like people around me hav a radar abd they can detect my weirdness. I feel awkward all the time.

I've never lasted in a job more than one year and i'm at risk of losing my job. I never have lunch with others. I c an't socialize. And when I do talk to others they KNOW. They can tell that something doesn't click in my head.

I read about aspergers and all my life flashed before my eyes.

I'm 100% certain that I have aspergers.
I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist for February, 2015. I just can't take it anymore. I can't.

I can write so mang exmaples about my symptoms. So so so many. I could write a novel!

Oh and I'm a vegan bodybuilder.
Nice to meet you all.
 
Welcome! I hope you find this to be a friendly place to hang out (I certainly have over the 2 1/2 years I've been here). I think your story resonates with many here...I suffered severe social isolation most of my life, and I've survived several suicide attempts beginning in my teens. I hope you find more acceptance here than you have in the "outside world." :)
 
Welcome aboard! I have Many of the same difficulties you mentioned. My official diagnosis was an a-ha moment, life finally made sense. Hope you enjoy the site.
Best wishes
Rocco
 
I know what you mean about how some people "know" when you try to socialize. It's so hard and they can just tell! I'm not diagnosed either, but I'm seeing my psychiatrist Friday.

Anyway, welcome, I hope I can provide some insights and help.
 
Welcome and I just know you will find peace here and joy and acceptance :D They are a lovely bunch!

I am married to, but not a mother and first came up the word: Aspergers, about 5 year's ago and thought I was reading about myself, but felt too embarrassed to go further but it seemed that from never even hearing that word before, I kept on seeing it, which got me thinking and so, I plucked up the courage to tell my husband who came out with: people like us do not get things like that????!!

I tried to ignore it, reasoning that perhaps I didn't have it, since I can read emotions very easily and am not blanked faced. But when I again, took the plunge to investigate, the more I was reading, the more I recognised traits.

I have finally got to the point, of being less embarrassed or shy, to say that I think I have Aspergers, especially as my husband often highlights things that of an aspie nature, but without realising it! Suzanne, for goodness sake, you want me to say everything in one sentence! Or, you are being too literal and it is true, I take completely on board, what one is saying and it is my husband who has to say: no he or she did not mean that!

I have been fighting getting an official diagnosis because I want people to take MY word for it. A few have said that they already recognised I am aspie and I am thinking: so why the heck did you not say something, but I guess they assumed I knew!

When in school, I had one friend but had this strange bizarre thing that I would was not going to be accused of hanging on to her and so, would try and bravely walk away and do my own thing; but the snag was, I did not do my own thing; I would sit on a bench and try hard to become invisible, whereas I would see her chatting away with others and felt sick with loneliness, when lol it had been my decision to push her away (just did not see it then). I just did not understand the concept of what friendship was!

In college and and a married 22 year old, I would not dare to enter the canteen, if on my own and would sit on a bench and read a book and pretend I was not there and watch everyone laughing and joking, but I had no idea how to join in!

All my life, I have been on the edge of things.

I could deal with being social phobic in England, but now I live in France, it is a whole different ball game and I feel soooo LITTLE compared to the world.

As usual, I could not see the light for the dark, until a friend (whoa I have one lol) said surely there are English psychologists in France and she went researching and has come out with 3 names and so, it is a case of plucking the courage to phone and make an appointment, for I have to face reality, that an official diagnosis, I feel will make life a bit more bearable for me.

To be honest, I have embraced completely that I am an aspie; I just know and this forum has been an absolute God send to me; I have to fight the obsession though lol

I never realised in a million years, that not regulating my volume control, is an aspie trait lol my husband is always telling me to lower it a few notches (when I am excited, my volume raises). I just talk and not aware that I am being loud, because actually, I am so quiet usually, he often says: is my wife in the same room or not?

When I hear noises or just something out of the ordinary is happening, in my head, I am thinking: oh I just heard a strange noise etc, and then think: I suppose I ought to check it out! I never connected this to an aspie thing at all; just believed I was slow!

Oh so many other things are coming together at last and makes me feel human, at last lol
 
JCPHN said:
Every good interaction on this site reminds me of that, thank you!!
Click to expand...

Ah thank you so much for CHEERING me up with such a lovely compliment. I admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when I see I have written a lot, but I can see, I need not have felt so embarrassed :D
 
It's my pleasure, people such as yourself who aren't afraid to go on lengthy tangents about things are generally very insightful and tend to say a lot of things that bring me some peace of mind, which I don't have much of. People like yourself and a few others, since I've joined this forum, have definitely reminded me of the good in the world.
 
Welcome

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. You'll find that many of us have had our own struggles in life. I hope that you can find some peace from getting a diagnoses, and from coming here. Our members are quite helpful, and supportive, so I hope you feel right at home. I've added a few links below, which may be of interest to you.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Information for women with AS:

Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

Day 62: Females with Asperger’s Syndrome (Non-Official) Checklist | Everyday Asperger's

Tony Attwood (renown expert): Home
 
Thank you Suzanne and Vanilla!

Vanilla,

The checklist about aspergers had me in tears. Every single one of those things applies to me. Every single one! I can't believe this. I can't believe I've been dealing with this all my life and I never came across the word Aspergers!

Now I see all my "failures" as big accomplishments. I understand now a lot of things. Life makes sense.

I'm sad and happy at the same time. Sad to realize that I do have a problem and that I will always be different. Sad to realize that there's no cure. Sad to realize that I can't get over it take some xanax and move on. Sad to finally understand why I had zero men interested in me even though I was considered "pretty". I'm sad to realize that everybody knew and noticed my "weirdness" and nobody offered help. I feel like I've been betrayed by the world for not Offering help!

My grandmother said to me years ago.. "You talk different. You speak in a peculiar way". And for years and years until now this has bothered me and made me sad. People rolling their eyes at me and me not getting the point!

Sad because whenever I go to a work lunch All I hear is a lot of noise and I can't for the life of me figure out what the people are saying.

Sad because for years I've tortured my husband to lower down the TV volume because loud noises make me anxious and I can't understand the movie if it's too loud (uh?)

I can't even begin to explain all the moments of sadness and alienation !

I finally understand what is wrong with me.

My dad has Aspergers, my brother has it, and I have it. And I've just realized this. My brother has it way way more severe than me. He's been to mang many neurologists and doctors and not a single one has been able to indentif it. Yet, he has all the symptoms. He's suffered way way way more than I have.

Oh and my dad... Ughhh where do I start!? He was bullied all his life. He has an awkward gait. He talks about himself always. He makes the most awkward conversations. He is rejected by his siblings. When he was little he would cry at the thought of leaving the house. He has extreme anxiety. He has zero friends. And not surprisingly my dad, my brother and I get along just fine!!!

This is so shocking. I'm so ... I cant even begin to describe how I feel.

Sorry about the long post
 
I hope we various individuals here on the forum can help you feel a little less alone and sad. I like people's sort of "rants" in posts, because it feels so good to get things off your chest, and I like being able to listen when people need that, just as I often do.
 
Veggie87 said:
Thank you Suzanne and Vanilla!

Vanilla,

The checklist about aspergers had me in tears. Every single one of those things applies to me. Every single one! I can't believe this. I can't believe I've been dealing with this all my life and I never came across the word Aspergers!

Now I see all my "failures" as big accomplishments. I understand now a lot of things. Life makes sense.

I'm sad and happy at the same time. Sad to realize that I do have a problem and that I will always be different. Sad to realize that there's no cure. Sad to realize that I can't get over it take some xanax and move on. Sad to finally understand why I had zero men interested in me even though I was considered "pretty". I'm sad to realize that everybody knew and noticed my "weirdness" and nobody offered help. I feel like I've been betrayed by the world for not Offering help!

My grandmother said to me years ago.. "You talk different. You speak in a peculiar way". And for years and years until now this has bothered me and made me sad. People rolling their eyes at me and me not getting the point!

Sad because whenever I go to a work lunch All I hear is a lot of noise and I can't for the life of me figure out what the people are saying.

Sad because for years I've tortured my husband to lower down the TV volume because loud noises make me anxious and I can't understand the movie if it's too loud (uh?)

I can't even begin to explain all the moments of sadness and alienation !

I finally understand what is wrong with me.

My dad has Aspergers, my brother has it, and I have it. And I've just realized this. My brother has it way way more severe than me. He's been to mang many neurologists and doctors and not a single one has been able to indentif it. Yet, he has all the symptoms. He's suffered way way way more than I have.

Oh and my dad... Ughhh where do I start!? He was bullied all his life. He has an awkward gait. He talks about himself always. He makes the most awkward conversations. He is rejected by his siblings. When he was little he would cry at the thought of leaving the house. He has extreme anxiety. He has zero friends. And not surprisingly my dad, my brother and I get along just fine!!!

This is so shocking. I'm so ... I cant even begin to describe how I feel.

Sorry about the long post
Click to expand...
You're quite welcome :)

If you are looking for more answers, and guidance, that book I mentioned is a good start. It describes many more events that many female Aspies may experience. I was surprised at how much it described my own life. Even the parts that seemed quite random. It also offers guidance, so that hopefully you can learn to accept yourself, and learn how to live your life, your own way. It can be quite liberating for some.
 
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