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I've been friend-zoned... Again.

S

Sodaberry

Active Member
Hey Everyone,

I posted something a while back asking for some advice on how to get a man I love who is on the spectrum to calm down and commit. I'm needing some advice again.

I've always prided myself on being very loving and accepting, this relationship I've had with him has never tested that more. Although I know I love him very much, I can feel like I'm losing it, and maybe it is time to let go.

I met this man over a year ago, I was with someone else... But I could tell he had feelings for me. About six months ago, I ended my relationship with the other guy and this man made his feelings known for me, and we started dating. At first, he was very open with his feelings, and they were all very positive and loving. Then we started hitting tons of rough patches.

It seemed as though every little insecurity that came up sent him running, and looking for other women. After several months of this, my heart breaking more each time... He hit a plateau and wanted to stay, vowed he was done looking and stated I knew his heart better than anyone. We made it about two months, a lot of good days and some bad but we were making wonderful progress. Many times he stated that he thought I'd be the one he'd marry, and that he loved me and was comforted by me so very much... But then it all crumbled again.

Now, I've been friend-zoned. He said he's not sure that he ever loved me, because love is not mathematical and he doesn't understand it. That he's unsure he'd ever be able to love me more than just a friend. These words have devastated me and are making me feel like everything was false.

I worry what having a friendship with him will do with my own feelings, and his slight inability to read other's emotions or understand why certain things shouldn't be said, it's already happened a few times. But at the same time, I love and care for this man more than anyone else I have before, and accept and even love him for his faults. Part of me says, he's continued to come back to me... And to just wait. Part of me says I need to just move on and stop letting myself get hurt.

I'm hoping someone here has some advice, and may be willing to have some long talks. I'm really needing some guidance!
 
It doesn't sound like a "friend zone" thing. It sounds like he has doubts-the reasons are not explained, and that the word "friend" is just a word he is using to get out of this relationship.
 
I hate, hate, hate the term "friend-zone" so much. It makes friendship seem like it's only a means to an end. But friendship is just as valuable as romantic attachment, and often more so.

I'm no relationship expert, but it seems like this man needs to figure himself out before he tries to pursue a relationship any further. He may be unsure about commitment for one reason or another. I think Ste11ares is right: the "friend-zone" thing just sounds like a way to get out of having to give deeper explanations.

I don't think you should feel obligated to continue pursuing him if your heart is truly broken, though. You deserve a straight answer, and not constant apologies every time he runs off looking for somebody else.

But if you love each other as much as you say, then he should welcome counseling as an option---both for himself alone and for the two of you together.

Best wishes.
 
The relationship is over when either party no longer wants it to continue. Sad to say there's nothing you can do about it. Take your lumps and move on, with pauses to vent here. It shouldn't be so hard, IMO. At least initially, either it works or it doesn't. Any relationship that's so up and down, off and on, can't possibly be doing a very good job of meeting the needs it exists to fulfill. Another chance will come again. It always does.
 
Ereth said:
I hate, hate, hate the term "friend-zone" so much. It makes friendship seem like it's only a means to an end. But friendship is just as valuable as romantic attachment, and often more so.
Click to expand...
Yes yes yes. The friendship I currently have with my best friend is, I feel, worth as much as any romantic relationship.
 
friend zoned is a loaded term. It makes friendship seem like a bad thing one should feel guilty about wanting. lol WHAT?!!! Also, it is frequently a double standard that guys use too although not in all cases, such as this one.

sigh.

P.s. I just was bursting to say that about that term. Your post might have been fine apart from that. Tbh, I didn't actually read the op (i have troubles doing so) but I, I just had to say that.
 
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