Judging people based on habbits

[Polchinski]

I realize that when I started the waitress thread, I might have picked a wrong example. Because the issue at hand was not "rudeness" but rather "habits". In particular, the behavior that is not "between you and your date" but that your date still observes.

So maybe a better example -- and in fact a lot more applicable to me -- is personal grooming. Is it fair not to date someone because they dress like a slob?

Or is it fair not to date someone because they have no friends?

Or is it fair not to date someone because your friends don't like them?

Well, I guess maybe someone would be triggered by hygiene, just like some other people were triggered by rudeness.

How about this. What if you replace whatever you are triggered by, with whatever you aren't, and simply answer general questions. Namely:

1) Is it okay not to date someone based off of their habbits

2) Is it okay not to date someone based off of first impression they are making

3) Don't you think both of those things are related to Asperger?

In that other thread the answer to "3" was a no. But again maybe you were just triggered. So if I avoid "trigger" topics, would your answer to 3 be a "yes", which in turn would change your answers to 1 and 2?

Another thing that one of the responders to the other thread has mentioned is that there are other conditions besides Asperger that would affect the behavior. They, in particular, mentioned Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and no, I don't have that diagnosis; in fact I don't have any diagnoses besides Asperger).

So do you think some of the habbits like dressing like a slob or making bad first impression are due to other conditions besides Asperger (which I might have, just weren't diagnosed with)? If so, maybe THAT would be why it feels like "its who I am so it got to be a condition of some sort" yet when I blame it on Asperger the aspies can't relate?

 

[Rodafina]

Once again, it appears that you are seeking something to blame. This time blaming a condition. There are few conditions that force you to act in a certain way. Rather, it is an awareness of your behavior and choosing how you want to interact with the world. if you are finding rejection where you seek acceptance, consider analyzing your behavior and asking for feedback. If you are seeking to simply be yourself and be accepted, find the people who will accept you.

It is always okay for someone to choose not to date another person based on first impressions. There is no requirement for universal acceptance when it comes to dating. The stakes are too high.

 

[Forest Cat]

The hygiene thing, personal hygiene is such a basic thing. Have you ever stood behind someone in line at a grocery store and they reek because of poor hygiene? It's not nice, it makes people want to run away. I think it's a very human thing to be 'triggered' by bad hygiene. Worst case, it's a health hazard. And dressing like a slob, dating is about attraction. These things have little to do with what's fair, it's human nature. We send signals to other people and if you dress like a slob you send a signal that says "I'm not able to take care of myself or put on clean clothes". It's not a good signal to send. Showering, clean clothes, a decent haircut, well-groomed nails, these are basic things.

1 - Yes, if a person has bad habits you don't like, why would you date them. It's not attractive.

2 - If you get a really bad first impression, why would you date that person. What's the motivation for doing that.

3 - I don't know, many people have bad habits and make bad impressions without having AS.

 

[Darkkin]

Time and attention are limited resources. And just like lurid colours on certain species of animals that warn would be predators of potential toxicity, people, whether ASD or not, have the ability to pick up on these types of cues.

e.g.

Slovenly habits and/or appearance or an overly contrived (artificial, superficial, uncomfortable look), akin to someone wearing a stiff suit to an interview in hopes of creating a good impression, possibly to intimidate or overawe with the cost of their look. It isn't a look they are at ease with, which indicates a guise.

Treatment of others, (including entitlement, blatantly false assumptions, absence of empathy, caustic, rude, or dismissive interactions)

Lack of accountability (an excuse for everything)

Diversionary behaviours (look over here instead)

These are the rings of the octopus. Often people pick up on them at a subconscious level. These are fail-safes people override too often because they want to be 'open-minded and accepting'.

Frankly, I trust my first impressions. I get a bad read, I keep interaction to a minimum and avoid any and all future contact. Most people are decent enough and don't trigger major warning bells. Sometimes it is something as basic as condescension that is the biggest tell.

Some people get stuck in situations that are beyond their control. Other times they ignore what their subconscious picks up on. I got out of a circumstance situation (older sibling), and haven't ignored my inner ping since. It hasn't led me astray.

Do I judge on habits, yes...because it has kept my relationships healthy and safe.

 

[Polchinski]

just like lurid colours on certain species of animals that warn would be predators of potential toxicity, people, whether ASD or not, have the ability to pick up on these types of cues.

Here is the difference though. In case of an animal with bright colors, it preys on other species. In case of a suspicious human, it preys on its own species. So when an animal preys on the other species, and the other species avoids it, it still gets along just fine among its own kind. But when a human SUPPOSEDLY preys on its own kind and gets avoided, then it has no other options, it is just an outcast.

Now, apart from the question "what is it I am to do", there is also another question: "why would this phenomenon appear on the first place". Preying on other species makes sense, preying on ones own specy doesn't. So maybe while the former is immtable the latter can change, if given a chance. Thats why I wish people could give me an opportunity to change.

Then the other question is: your analogy with the animal implies innate characteristics. Now, Asperger is innate characteristic too, thats why my instinctive response is "it is discrimination against people with Asperger". But since you don't view it this way, are you saying it is a different condition, other than Asperger? Are you suggesting I should have two separate diagnoses, and people are avoiding me due to that "other" diagnosis, whatever it happens to be?

 

[Darkkin]

Here is the difference though. In case of an animal with bright colors, it preys on other species. In case of a suspicious human, it preys on its own species. So when an animal preys on the other species, and the other species avoids it, it still gets along just fine among its own kind. But when a human SUPPOSEDLY preys on its own kind and gets avoided, then it has no other options, it is just an outcast.

Now, apart from the question "what is it I am to do", there is also another question: "why would this phenomenon appear on the first place". Preying on other species makes sense, preying on ones own specy doesn't. So maybe while the former is immtable the latter can change, if given a chance. Thats why I wish people could give me an opportunity to change.

Then the other question is: your analogy with the animal implies innate characteristics. Now, Asperger is innate characteristic too, thats why my instinctive response is "it is discrimination against people with Asperger". But since you don't view it this way, are you saying it is a different condition, other than Asperger? Are you suggesting I should have two separate diagnoses, and people are avoiding me due to that "other" diagnosis, whatever it happens to be?

No one outside of a medical professional can diagnose mental illness. No one has said anyone has anything.

And as previously mentioned objective discussion is not about 'you'. It is objective to the topic, never the person. If I don't like a person, I avoid them. I don't need a diagnostican to tell me why I avoid a person. I don't like someone, I don't like them. My opinion and observations are my own and no other's. There is very little that will change that. I don't have to interact with them, I won't. I have better things to do.

And explaining bad vibe...well, you either get it or you don't. Waste of time, namely mine.

I trust my instincts and my analogies. People, well, that is a case by case basis, none of which is measured by labels. It comes down to the individual, the observations.

They call autistics pattern seekers. By the very wiring of our biology, we spot the things others miss. For some it is numbers, others find words. But there are also those who can see patterns in behaviour...

 

[mysterionz]

oh just you wait until my dad told me not to talk to a person because they “looked” like a homeless/drug addict living out on the streets