Just bummed out - I have no real friends

[mama_lotus]

Okay, that post title is slightly Eeyorish. I have one very close friend. All of my other friends I can't seem to hang on to. I don't know what it is. I know that I am blunt, and wonder if that comes off as negative? I have begun to analyze all of my friendships lately and I'm just feeling extremely sad for myself that I can't seem to hang on to friends long term. I wish I knew the formula for friend making and keeping. I feel so inept.

 

[Vanilla]

Hi mama

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I think it's fair to say that many of us understand your situation very well indeed. If perhaps you struggle to find friendship in the outside world, then you might find some comfort in knowing that we will do what we can to try and fill that void.

I wish I did have a formula for it myself, but I think for many Aspies, its often a balance between being true to yourself, and being what others want you to be, in order to receive social acceptance. My only suggestion would be to do what you feel you can live with.

 

[GoofKing]

Nothings too Eeyorish for me because I understand how much depression sucks I have to agree with Vanilla though and it's very hard to be true to yourself when your lonely and willing to do anything to feel accepted ...

 

[nowwhat]

I think that for most people, friendship largely consists of social ritual. Aspies aren't wired for this, and as it is mostly about nonverbal manipulation of someone's emotional state and ego, aspies usually can't bring themselves to care about it much. Besides, the NT social dance is too nuanced, subtle, subconscious and real-time to be faked, IMO. I have a couple of real, close friends, and then other "acquaintances" or "friends" with whom I share an interest or have some other reason to interact with occasionally. I cannot and do not do the normal friend thing: "Met some cool people. We went out for drinks, then to this party, yadda yadda yadda..."

Don't get down on yourself. You are probably just someone who needs certain rare sorts of people to be friends with. Most neurotypicals have the potential of getting on well with a great many people. We have to be more patient, and engage in OUR sort of friendships, as most of us cannot carry on conventional friendships. That is not to say that out relationships cannot be full of trust, mutual support, carefree acceptance, humor, etc, but our paths to said benefits might be rarer and different than the norm. I have found a couple such individuals here, and a couple more IRL through my special interest. Be yourself above all. This is a very nice, safe place to do just that.

 

[Flower44590]

Sometimes I think we have no real friends because our need for deep connection is so strong it exhausts other people, where as it exhausts us NOT to be deeply connected to whatever it is we love (be it career or food or music or art or friends).

I have learned that it is a gift I can give others to be able to connect so deeply, but often they only want this when they are alone and hurting. When they aren't alone or hurting they are usually happier if I just remember their birthdays, their kids birthdays and show up with something that taste good. I don't feel like any of that is important, but the people I love do. It does get lonely though. I have lot of friends and family and I still feel lonely at times because I have no one to connect with on a deeper level and I thrive best when I am connected very deeply to whatever it is I am loving. I am learning better to communicate these needs with my NT friends in order to have my needs met without the NT thinking I am being invasive or dependent or clingy. Good luck. You're not alone in your loneliness.

 

[mama_lotus]

Thanks. You all brought up really good points that are spot on. I've been trying to put myself out there with a couple people I really like, but it's so exhausting - I'm constantly wondering if I was too "all about me," or didn't disclose enough, or am being too blunt, which is perceived as negative, or not making eye contact which makes me look angry... etc etc. Basically I am trying so hard to do what comes naturally to NTs and while it makes me feel good, it is also difficult.

 

[Arcturus]

Sometimes I think we have no real friends because our need for deep connection is so strong it exhausts other people, where as it exhausts us NOT to be deeply connected to whatever it is we love (be it career or food or music or art or friends).

I have learned that it is a gift I can give others to be able to connect so deeply, but often they only want this when they are alone and hurting. When they aren't alone or hurting they are usually happier if I just remember their birthdays, their kids birthdays and show up with something that taste good. I don't feel like any of that is important, but the people I love do. It does get lonely though. I have lot of friends and family and I still feel lonely at times because I have no one to connect with on a deeper level and I thrive best when I am connected very deeply to whatever it is I am loving. I am learning better to communicate these needs with my NT friends in order to have my needs met without the NT thinking I am being invasive or dependent or clingy. Good luck. You're not alone in your loneliness.

I completely agree! Deep connection often stands in the way of casual relationships that most NT's thrive in. It is too much work! People tell me all the time that I care too much and not to form such deep connections to those who don't care as much. All that being said, I think it's good to have a few quality friends over many lightweight (if that word applies).

 

[Sass]

I went out with a totally new group of people on Friday night, people who I either didn't know or only knew very vaguely. It was fun, but in hindsight I'm 100% sure I talked about myself/my family/my life too much. In saying that though, I'm not really qualified to talk about anything else, and 'they' do say 'stick to what you know'. Luckily for me I can weave a good tale, because they liked my stories, but if my special interest wasn't words I think I would have been in trouble :S

 

[King_Oni]

in hindsight I'm 100% sure I talked about myself/my family/my life too much. In saying that though, I'm not really qualified to talk about anything else, and 'they' do say 'stick to what you know'. Luckily for me I can weave a good tale, because they liked my stories, but if my special interest wasn't words I think I would have been in trouble :S

Isn't this in general what people talk about anyway? Themselves and their lives? So with that, I guess you're already good to go. Having your way with words just adds a bit to it.

Perhaps the big question when meeting up with people and "sticking to what you know" is... why are you meeting up with these people in particular?

I recall a situation in the past where I ran into a co-worker when I was out on a night. He wanted a chat and we ended up talking about work. It's the only thing I had in common with this person. I did not share any hobbies with them and my life is even less of their business compared to what I share on this forum here.

Speaking of making friends or new acquaintances; tomorrow I'm meeting up with a guy whom I recently got in contact with through a wargaming forum. He invited me over for a few games at his place. I doubt our conversations will be about anything but gaming related stuff (rules, tactics, etc.). It's pretty much the only reason he and I actually planned to meet up.

So with that, I guess the notion of "why these people in particular?" is even stronger to me.

 

[Arcturus]

I went out with a totally new group of people on Friday night, people who I either didn't know or only knew very vaguely. It was fun, but in hindsight I'm 100% sure I talked about myself/my family/my life too much. In saying that though, I'm not really qualified to talk about anything else, and 'they' do say 'stick to what you know'. Luckily for me I can weave a good tale, because they liked my stories, but if my special interest wasn't words I think I would have been in trouble :S

I also think that's totally ok! In situations like this I either stay silent the whole time or start talking and can't shut up (and afterwards feel guilty because I can't control how much I say). You are lucky you had fun I also often start interrupting and arguing and can't stop, considered I promise myself not to every time...

 

[The Penguin]

I don't have any friends period and don't remember the last time having one. I decided not to worry about this as it hard to find people things I am into.

 

[Lukas]

I completely relate to this thread and also agree with flower44590 and arcturus in that I believe our expectations of friends is completely opposite that of NTs. We need deep connections and stress on casual, while NTs are the opposite. Unfortunately, that fails to function and it is we that suffer the most therefrom. Also, it seems those that share my interests tend to also wear down due to the level of depth I have gone into the topic. I could, and have, worn out the ear on professors in the subject.