helenrowena58
Well-Known Member
Hi everyone, I found this site by just putting into google some random thoughts which were "I feel like an alien" and up popped this site,
Basically its been a lifelong struggle to find out what is wrong with me . There is four generations of schizophrenia and autism in my family and three of my kids are on the spectrum, one is aspie and he is very bright and two girls are autistic ,both are on medication and one has severe OCD but manages school the other is very paranoid but cant cope with school,both need one to one at school etc,
Anyway I have always felt weird and different and outside of the bubble looking in, or maybe I am in the bubble I dont know,
I used to get out of body experiences when stressed and need my space a lot which people I worked with didnt understand cos they wanted to hang out at lunchtime but I wanted to be on my own , I now realise to recharge my batteries so to speak.
I learned to observe other people in society in cafes and suchlike and copy their mannerisms and body language so on the surface I can pass myself off as normal like when saying goodmorning to the postman or to the neighbours , and I can cope in a small shop and talk to the assistant etc. However, big busy stores really bug me, the flickering lights start me off to panic , then its the loud music or tannoy announcements , then too many people with their trolleys/carts getting in the way, my stress levels get really bad and I actually get home and have to go to bed to recover,
When my first child was little I used to take her to toddler/parent groups, the noise level and chat exhausted me so much I had to go lie down in darkened room afterwards!
I hate surprises they cause me to totally freak - on my 50 Birthday was given tickets for massage etc and just totally freaked, cant stand the thought of it, a stranger touching me etc, I hate the idea plus the surprise itself is horrible and unexpected , I need to plan things and be in control, not other people controlling me and making expectations from me.
The same thing happened when I was four years old, my mum said there`s something for you at the garden gate, I went and looked and it was a doll`s pram, I freaked , couldnt figure out why in my head but again I realise that surprises dont go down well, I didnt want the pram and never played with dolls but its the assumptions I hate,
My poor mum did it again when I was getting married, she got me some china for wedding present, I got so upset and made her take it all back to the shop, It doesnt matter if I like or dislike the surprise present, thats not the point, It seems its the surprise element of it that I cant stand,
I live in the highlands of Scotland and in a very rural area and I love to go for walks with my dogs and I need a lot of time on my own to think and recover from a noisy household. My husband understands as he also needs a lot of space and he isnt aspie but he doesnt believe I have anything wrong at all, he doesnt like labels. He sometimes wants to go walks with me and I have to explain I need the time to myself.
When I was in my 20`s I lived in Edinburgh and worked for many years in offices as a legal secretary. It was a very busy and stressful environment but I managed to get through it, I saw it as a test of some sort.
However throughout my life I would leave jobs after just a few weeks or months especially when in my teens. Whenever something didnt go right I would just leave. When I got to my forties I suddenly realised that a bad day at work was just that, a bad day, and not the end of the world and figured that tomorrow would be better and it usually was,
So I think in with the aspergers there was a degree of immaturity in myself also,
Looking back it is obvious there has always been something wrong, even at age of 5 at starting school they had to get a child psychologist because I just cried all the time, but in those days (1963) they didnt have the knowledge they have now and also as a teenager they continued to think it was a mental illness and throughout adulthood,
So to finally get a diagnosis from a professional is a relief - at least now I can look back at all my life and realise why things happened and why I got upset , it all makes sense now,
Anyway hello to everyone, I hope to get to know you and learn more about this quite fascinating condition.
Basically its been a lifelong struggle to find out what is wrong with me . There is four generations of schizophrenia and autism in my family and three of my kids are on the spectrum, one is aspie and he is very bright and two girls are autistic ,both are on medication and one has severe OCD but manages school the other is very paranoid but cant cope with school,both need one to one at school etc,
Anyway I have always felt weird and different and outside of the bubble looking in, or maybe I am in the bubble I dont know,
I used to get out of body experiences when stressed and need my space a lot which people I worked with didnt understand cos they wanted to hang out at lunchtime but I wanted to be on my own , I now realise to recharge my batteries so to speak.
I learned to observe other people in society in cafes and suchlike and copy their mannerisms and body language so on the surface I can pass myself off as normal like when saying goodmorning to the postman or to the neighbours , and I can cope in a small shop and talk to the assistant etc. However, big busy stores really bug me, the flickering lights start me off to panic , then its the loud music or tannoy announcements , then too many people with their trolleys/carts getting in the way, my stress levels get really bad and I actually get home and have to go to bed to recover,
When my first child was little I used to take her to toddler/parent groups, the noise level and chat exhausted me so much I had to go lie down in darkened room afterwards!
I hate surprises they cause me to totally freak - on my 50 Birthday was given tickets for massage etc and just totally freaked, cant stand the thought of it, a stranger touching me etc, I hate the idea plus the surprise itself is horrible and unexpected , I need to plan things and be in control, not other people controlling me and making expectations from me.
The same thing happened when I was four years old, my mum said there`s something for you at the garden gate, I went and looked and it was a doll`s pram, I freaked , couldnt figure out why in my head but again I realise that surprises dont go down well, I didnt want the pram and never played with dolls but its the assumptions I hate,
My poor mum did it again when I was getting married, she got me some china for wedding present, I got so upset and made her take it all back to the shop, It doesnt matter if I like or dislike the surprise present, thats not the point, It seems its the surprise element of it that I cant stand,
I live in the highlands of Scotland and in a very rural area and I love to go for walks with my dogs and I need a lot of time on my own to think and recover from a noisy household. My husband understands as he also needs a lot of space and he isnt aspie but he doesnt believe I have anything wrong at all, he doesnt like labels. He sometimes wants to go walks with me and I have to explain I need the time to myself.
When I was in my 20`s I lived in Edinburgh and worked for many years in offices as a legal secretary. It was a very busy and stressful environment but I managed to get through it, I saw it as a test of some sort.
However throughout my life I would leave jobs after just a few weeks or months especially when in my teens. Whenever something didnt go right I would just leave. When I got to my forties I suddenly realised that a bad day at work was just that, a bad day, and not the end of the world and figured that tomorrow would be better and it usually was,
So I think in with the aspergers there was a degree of immaturity in myself also,
Looking back it is obvious there has always been something wrong, even at age of 5 at starting school they had to get a child psychologist because I just cried all the time, but in those days (1963) they didnt have the knowledge they have now and also as a teenager they continued to think it was a mental illness and throughout adulthood,
So to finally get a diagnosis from a professional is a relief - at least now I can look back at all my life and realise why things happened and why I got upset , it all makes sense now,
Anyway hello to everyone, I hope to get to know you and learn more about this quite fascinating condition.
