Just diagnosed via Psychiatry UK, but feel very conflicted (CW: sexual abuse)

[oldpotatoes]

I am a 33-year-old cisgender woman.

I've been entertaining the idea I'm autistic for about a decade, and began focused, meaningful research on the subject a year ago. I read everything I could get my hands on by Sarah Hendrickx, Tony Attwood, Luke Beardon and so on. Prior to the diagnosis I felt quietly confident that I am autistic. However, since being diagnosed via Psychiatry UK I've been feeling so much more conflicted. This feels ridiculous because I have been prepared to be diagnosed for a while now.

The reasons I have for these conflicted feelings are

- I have a very traumatic family background. Sexually abused by father, never spoke up about it, did speak up about it when I was 25. Immediately called a liar by both parents and told I wasn't my parents' daughter any more. Aside from some intermittent contact with my mother since then, when she was acting very erratic, I have had no other contact with them. Obviously this has been very traumatic. There was absolutely no attempt on my psychiatrists' part to tease out whether my symptoms might be due to trauma or ASD or both. This feels like a huge oversight to me.

- The appointment itself felt rushed and like we were going through a checklist. Again, this does make sense. I suppose diagnostic assessments are "going through a checklist", but it felt like I was on a production line and was slapped with a label at the end of it with no help to process.

I was wondering if any of this resonates with anyone? Part of me wishes we did the ADOS because that would feel more "real" to me, despite the fact I know that they're not recommended for adult diagnosed women who are high masking, which I am. I don't know. I just feel all over the place and I'm curious to know if these feelings are familiar to anyone.

 

[Hypnalis]

Did your research turn up any significant common symptoms/indicators of ASD (i.e. things we "all" share)?

I originally came here hoping to exchange ideas about such things, but my particular area of interest isn't discussed much.

Two things have been reinforced (neither of which is likely to help you much I'm afraid):

1. "If you've met one Aspie you've met one Aspie".
This means it's difficult/impossible to make generalizations.
It suggests there's nothing we all share, but doesn't exclude the possibility (a uniqueness condition doesn't strictly exclude common aspects).

2. Generalizations about intra-extra group comprehension:
* NT's understand other NT's
* Aspies understand other Aspies
* NT/Aspie is difficult

I have some personal theories about the why and how of Aspie deficits with non-verbal communication and indirect verbal communication, but they haven't resonated with anyone else here.
This is my personal starting point for thinking about Aspie/NT differences.

Get back to me via PM in a week or two (not sooner please) if you haven't found the answers you seek, and you're interested in discussing Aspie communication.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I really wish there was consistency amongst clinicians when it comes to diagnosing people. It would seem that even amongst us here on the forum, the diagnostic process can vary greatly, which is unfortunate, because we have waited, perhaps paid, had a lot of questions, and then to have some of these psychologists and psychiatrists "leave a lot of stones unturned" by not doing a thorough job is frustrating.

 

[VictorR]

I'm sorry about your trauma and your diagnosis process.

I agree that a good professional should try to identify if there are co-occuring conditions and also what might be signs of autism are caused or by something else.

 

[Crossbreed]

Because of social naivete < poor social [instinct] development, it is all too common that we are taken advantage of sexually as children by people that we thought we could/should trust.

Recovery is possible, though. I am now a father of ten living children and made sure to teach them clear sexual boundaries as soon as they were old enough to understand.

 

[tazz]

I really wish there was consistency amongst clinicians when it comes to diagnosing people. It would seem that even amongst us here on the forum, the diagnostic process can vary greatly,

Yeah, I was also diagnosed by a psychiatrist at Psychiatry-UK via the NHS, and it was a very thorough assessment and I didn't feel that he was rushing at all. My research prior to that indicated that it really does depend on the clinician doing the assessment.

So I took my time to go through all of the biographies of the doctors on their website and then put forward a list of three that I would prefer to be assessed by. I had to wait a little longer but I was assigned to my first choice and he was excellent.

I tried to specifically find doctors who mentioned they like to take a holistic approach and be thorough. So maybe that helped.

 

[tazz]

Oh and - welcome to the forum!

 

[Streetwise]

Im a heterosexual non! cisgender woman I felt very underwhelmed by the NHS diagnosis but apparently it seems to happen often

 

[Streetwise]

I am a 33-year-old cisgender woman.

I've been entertaining the idea I'm autistic for about a decade, and began focused, meaningful research on the subject a year ago. I read everything I could get my hands on by Sarah Hendrickx, Tony Attwood, Luke Beardon and so on. Prior to the diagnosis I felt quietly confident that I am autistic. However, since being diagnosed via Psychiatry UK I've been feeling so much more conflicted. This feels ridiculous because I have been prepared to be diagnosed for a while now.

The reasons I have for these conflicted feelings are

- I have a very traumatic family background. Sexually abused by father, never spoke up about it, did speak up about it when I was 25. Immediately called a liar by both parents and told I wasn't my parents' daughter any more. Aside from some intermittent contact with my mother since then, when she was acting very erratic, I have had no other contact with them. Obviously this has been very traumatic. There was absolutely no attempt on my psychiatrists' part to tease out whether my symptoms might be due to trauma or ASD or both. This feels like a huge oversight to me.

- The appointment itself felt rushed and like we were going through a checklist. Again, this does make sense. I suppose diagnostic assessments are "going through a checklist", but it felt like I was on a production line and was slapped with a label at the end of it with no help to process.

I was wondering if any of this resonates with anyone? Part of me wishes we did the ADOS because that would feel more "real" to me, despite the fact I know that they're not recommended for adult diagnosed women who are high masking, which I am. I don't know. I just feel all over the place and I'm curious to know if these feelings are familiar to anyone.

The area of your brain that is dedicated to communication is held at the age of a girl of 18 months to 2 years of age remember being physically 2 years of age what did you understand.

I understood even less because i lived close to a national autism society school and all i ever saw were paralysed children being taken in ,then raymond babbit in rain man ,no women ever directly portrayed in the 1980s, only the last decade or so where british women admitted it publicly

 

[leehart]

I think, though I am not dxed yet, I have heard that people can respond to being diagnosed in different ways, there will be a negative reaction at some point apparently. Perhaps there are elements of denial here? You were so prepared to be dxed but now you are its not theory but true reality.

I can't really say what role trauma can play but I don't think it can make someone Autistic...by that I mean if you are hitting the criteria for an Autism DX it is likely because you are autistic but also carrying trauma too. I can relate to some of this as I had a similar childhood (two folks associated with family) my experience of that has been it has made my mask more iron as any attention could be dangerous, blending in is the key, don't stand out. So that trauma has made me appear 'less' autistic because I can mask incredibly well and have learned to read people fairly well as an adult, I do believe that ability was developed to protect myself from those traumas and the relentless bullying through my childhood too.

I am not sure if any of that is helpful, but to try and veer myself back to the thought I had, which may be right or not....I don't think trauma can fulfill the requirements of autistic experiences, but it will shape how we express those.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

As a general rule, Trauma is more important than Autism.

Lets say Autism vs NT its like driving a motorbike vs driving a truck. They work differently, they need diferent driving skills, but both can let you advance toward your goals

On the other hand, trauma its like having an accident that severy damages your vehicle so your advance towards your goals is impaired.

If you are already a functioning adult who can mask, you can try Autism strategies by yourself while you wait for a correct diagnose (energy saving, conecting to passions, art, proper selfcare...). Trauma is very dificult to self fix and profesional help is very important.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @oldpotatoes,

Welcome to the forum.

You are definitely right that your traumatic past should have a huge bearing on any diagnoses that you are given. What happened to you throughout your childhood would certainly have a major effect on how your brain developed and then experienced the world going forward.

I would say at this point, the most important thing is to figure out what is helpful to you in repairing the damage from your past and living your life the way you would like to have it. Sure, an accurate diagnosis can help with this, but it is more important for you to have the correct support than to necessarily have an accurate diagnosis.

I think many of the things that are helpful to people with PTSD and autism are similar. Identifying and managing unexplained feelings, setting and maintaining boundaries with others, and finding ways to communicate your needs to supportive people, are all things that both groups of people need.

I agree with @Atrapa Almas that treating trauma is the most important thing. I hope that you are able to get some professional help with this because it is difficult to manage on our own. But there’s hope, you can see it here on the forum - people who have survived terribly traumatic circumstances, and have had successes in healing and living peacefully later on.