Just discovered boyfriend might be aspie. we are new parents help!

[Abrightfutureahead]

Dear Readers,

Please take the time to read this, i am in a difficult place with the father of my newborn baby who i suspect has mild autism/asbergers. Any advise would be very much appreciated!

So let me begin by explaining that I have spent a year with a man i love very much who i have known (in the distance) for the past 6 years. We have a 6 week old daugher together, so have spent most of our relationship Pregnant! it has been a tough time of 'trying to get to know him' and alot of explaining myself.

I will start from the beginning, We were introduced through my best friend's partner 6 years ago. He lives quite far away and travelled down to visit me. The first few times we sat in the van and talked, had a few kisses. He was awkward, shy and very handsome - i prefer a guy of few words as i am a chatterbox and take it a compliment if a guy seems nervous around me. He came to visit me at my house and we had a kiss sitting on my bed, he suddenly freaked and told me he wasnt ready to have sex yet! i was offended because that wasnt my intention and afterwards i waited for him to txt me and he never did...! total insult.

So after a few months he gets in contact and we start emailing, he never really said much to make me think he was interested 'like that' but the fact he txt at all we kind of became friends/pen pals.
He never really kept the convo flowing so we had bouts of txting, but he always got in contact with me a few times a year over the past 6 years!

In these 6 years i got engaged and suffered 4 miscarriages, which aventally lead to the breakup of my relationship.

So one random night i thought about my friend, who would always get in touch and realised i hadnt heard from him in a whle and his facebook account was no longer active. i decided to contact his friend as ask about him who gave me his number. i contacted him and he told me he had his own place and to go and visit. He lived only an hour away now and i drove up to see him.

First thing i noticed was he was dressed a little strange, didnt care to much because he was so gorgeous and i admired him for not caring what he looked like. He came accross as reserved, eccentric and innocent/childlike. I visited him at night after finishing work. He was awkward, he would sit on a single hard chair in the middle of the room and wouldnt give eye contact. At first i thought it was because he was shy and i would invite him to sit on the sofa with me, he would but he was uncomfortable.

I would have to initiate everything with him. he was rigid and still seemed uninterested in me. One night he told me i used to be a 10/10 and now i was 8/10. i was so offended and he didnt appologies so i walked out, only to return when he didnt call me because i couldnt drive because id been drinking. he didnt appogise.

We started having a sexual relationship and always used protection. One night he didnt put a condom on, i asked him what he was doing and he said while making love to me "we should be trying for a baby" before finishing inside me.... i was SHOCKED!! i thought that he must love me, and unable to tell me, i was already in love with him.
I explained to him afterwards did he understand what he was doing because i fall pregnant easily and have had complications. He said he doesnt know if he could have children either, so we should try because it might take ages/many losses before we could have a child. He told me if i get pregnant he would marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.
2 weeks later PREGNANT!

So i hope you are still reading i really need your guidance.

The pregnancy was hard and stressful, i didnt get my emotional support from him. He tried to move in with me after a few months and it was tough,.
He would come in and sit in his coat on a hard chair and ask me to leave him alone and give him space. (YES in my own home)
I would go upstairs and respect his need for alone time while feeling rejected and he would never sit with me on the sofa, his excuses. He doesnt like the sofa, his back hurts. When i would ask about the coat, he was cold (it wasnt).

He would NEVER call me and rarely answer the phone. He would hardly go to work.
He works with his dad so can get away with not going in. I was working two jobs and going to college and would be so frustrated with him, he woud spend the day "REARRANGING" my house and drinking and smoking.
I then came to realise he was an alcholic and addicted to cannabis.
He would move my furniture around daily and take all the stuff out of my storage and "GROUP THEM" as he likes to call it, and pile things up to the ceiling.
It drove me insane and the house looked a mess. He had no understanding of making hazards for me being heavily pregant. He would be rude to me when i used to get angry and tell me my house is DIRTY and that he moves the table away from the wall and the sofa to get to the dirt. He Never would actually hoover or dust. Just pull stuff out everywhere and make things look cluttered.

I would get so angry and he would shut off, he wouldnt understand why i was so upset. He then started throwing old food onto my garden, i pleaded with him to stop it because the dog will eat it and get sick and ill get rats. He continued to do it everyday. The dog did get sick and the pile of old food is still there, i need to pay someone to remove it all.

Eventualy alot of my furniture got broke because they became weak from him upheaving the place. I was getting bigger and more pregnant. He would stay for a few days, go through all my stuff and move and pile and group everything then go back to his parents and stay there for ages and i would hardly hear from him.
He spends alot of time going to charity shops and boot sales and collecting items to sell for profit.

The lack of communication between us has killed me, he showed very little support for a baby he wanted and carried on drinking and smoking everyday, i begged him to stop because i hoped that was the problem,.

His mum told me him and both his brothers are on the spectrum, but my boyfriend only mildly, ive spent a year being upset/angry/lonely thinking he didnt care, but now i think he will never change and i dont know if i can try to be understanding and try to work through this because we have a baby together or if i should give up.

i recently told him what i think and he agrees he has some traits but doesnt really see a problem with his behaviour. he says he will never leave me but i feel alone.
Our daughter is 6 weeks old and ive had to do pretty much everything alone. he hasnt spent much time with her i just dont understand him.

i asked him to help me this week because ive been alone with the baby and im tired, but he was bust rearranging his parents room while they was holiday and refused to come help me because what he was doing was more important to him.
His parents dont know why he decided to rearrange their room while they was away but all the doors have locks on them and i think its because of him.

He is very bossy to me and is happiest when left alone, he has only 2 friends who he never sees and isnt interested in work, which is hard knowing i cant rely on him financially or emotionally, we stil love eachother though, and i want what is best for my child. please help!

 

[Steff]

I don't think I understand what you're asking/looking for? What kind of guidance are you looking for?

I would say first that Your and your daughter's health and wellbeing should be your priority, and trying to change someone else is never going to be a good use of your time whether they are Norutypical of not. You can talk to him about finding ways to work together and towards goals that you are both comfortable with but just getting him to "change" is probably going to be a nonstarter. Again I don't know what you're looking for but I feel for your situation as a new mommy and someone who just needs some support so if you could be more specific about your needs, I'll try harder to help.

I hope you're well, and that things get better for you.

 

[kay]

I generally am not quick to suggest therapy but the situation you are describing is really complex. It's not as simple as he has aspergers, lots of people have aspergers but it is different for everyone, and it very well may be that he has something else going on. You also say he drinks too much and smokes too much weed and that's certainly another issue altogether. If possible see a therapist, you can't deal with the baby and the relationship issues both all by yourself. Wish I could be of more help. Hope you get it all sorted out and soon. Congratulations on the baby.

 

[Bolletje]

I agree with @Steff, your question isn't clear. But I'm going to assume your question is whether or not your boyfriend has Aspergers and whether we have any tips on dealing with your situation.

As to the Aspergers situation, that's hardly something we can answer. Could be he is on the spectrum, could be he isn't. Judging by your story there could be a myriad of things going on, some more serious psychiatry as well. I'd get that assessed no matter the outcome. Anyway, the real questions here, in my opinion, are:
- Is this a healthy situation for you and the baby?
My answer: a resounding no. I hope he hasn't smoked in the house during your pregnancy, and I definitely hope he's stopped smoking indoors since the baby was born.

- Is this relationship worth salvaging to you?
The only positive thing about him you've mentioned is that he's handsome. The negative things you've mentioned are that he insults you, he doesn't help out with the baby, he drinks and smokes too much, he wrecks up your house, he hardly works and he's utterly unreliable.

Maybe I'm missing part of the story here, but that doesn't sound like the kind of partner I'd want to be with. It would've been easier to have discovered all this before you got pregnant, but that's not the way things went. If he's really the way you describe him, staying with him just because you have a baby just sounds like a surefire way to inflict a lot of pain on you and the baby down the road. You'd probably have an easier time just taking care of the baby alone, instead of having to worry about whether or not he'll be there, whether or not your house will be intact when you get home.

You say you love eachother, but your story doesn't show any proof of that, other than the romantic note that he must love you because he wanted to get you pregnant. Staying together with someone who's nothing but a stressor to you, just because you love the person, is toxic. You have a baby to think about.

My advice would be to have a serious chat about what you need from him in this situation. And stick to that. If he's unwilling or unable to help you with the baby in a more substantial manner, I would ask him to leave your house. This might seem like a harsh measure but you need a safe space for your child. You can work on your relationship while he lives somewhere else. If things change for the better you can always try to gradually let him back in, but with strict rules.

 

[Abrightfutureahead]

Thanks for your replies, your right I don't really know what I was asking.
I did kick him out 4 days after the baby was born because he promised he would stop drinking and smoking and he was doing it behind my back while I was recovering from a c-section, I guess I didn't really state that he can be incredibly thoughtful sometimes; buying gifts for my little brother for example and he is a family man. Well, with his own family.

I have become the one who looks like the monster because he would continue to do things i asked him not to (smoke outside, chuck food out, forget to contact me for a few days) and I would react by getting angry and emotional and shouting - to no avail. He would just simply shut down and look blank like he hadn't done anything wrong.

I guess I'm asking is the arranging furniture and grouping household items an aspie thing? Is the not wanting to ever talk on the phone or bend his routine one? He says he hasn't been visiting because he gets "stuck in his routine" and that it makes him sad.

I decided it was best to live seperately if he could not chose to be sober around my newborn, it's been very tough on my own. Especially as I had surgery, but we are trying to make it work long distance... well, it feels as though I am. I get no nothing back from him really apart from him saying please be strong for me, stay positive and that he loves us.

His two brothers also stuggle socially and I don't know whether to give up knowing he will be sad about it (but probably not do anything to stop me moving on) or try to help him through while living seperately.

I do think he was fully aware of his issues, he's had one girlfriend really and he's 30. I see the baby as his way to keep me, but after my previous losses it was a gamble I was willing to take, as I never thought I would have children: I'm blessed for my daughter and luckily the women in his family seem ok.!

Thanks for your support

 

[Bolletje]

I think you've made a good call in living separately, but I can imagine it must be very hard having to manage by yourself.

I'm not aware of arranging furniture and grouping items in the house being an "Aspie thing". Could be that some people on the spectrum do it. It's good to keep in mind that people on the spectrum are all vastly different. We all have our own personalities, quirks, strengths and weaknesses. ASD manifests differently in everyone and doesn't define the person.
Apart from that, it's entirely possible to be on the spectrum and have a comorbid psychiatric disorder.

I would suggest your boyfriend see a therapist about this behavior, but if he sees nothing wrong with it, that probably won't happen. I'm not saying arranging things is worth of therapy, per se, but if he does so compulsively, disregarding the wishes of others, and breaks items in the process (while creating death traps with piled-up items) it has become a problem, and one he should seek help with.

I wish you the best of luck in the coming time.

 

[Steff]

I think you have done the right thing so far. Your are very strong handling this all while pregnant and then just after surgery and with a new baby! You are quite formidable and have already made some tough calls because they are best for you and your daughter so I think you mostly need support and encouragement more than being told what to do next because you seem to know even though implementing it sucks and hurts sometimes. So that would be my advice at this time, put the grown man on the back burner, maybe let him know what you need and ask him to try and work on them on his own, and you rally your support system, your Friends and family, and his family around you. Just because he isn't being or isn't able to be there for you doesn't mean you're alone in this! So focus on you and the baby and let the stress with him go until you have what you need and are are sure footing then you can try and help him more if he still needs/wants it.

However, if you feel that you need to do something now then I agree with @Bolletje that you should Have a serious chat with him, maybe ask what things he thinks are a problem and work on those first since you are less likely to get as much opposition about issues he wants to change too...

I hope everything works out for you!

 

[artfull dodger]

My wife would so agree with you about some of his behavior as I was much the same way prior to getting professionaly disgnosed and getting help to better cope with being Aspie. That is what I would recommend is that he and eventualy both of you see a therapist that deals with adult ASD so that you both can learn to cope and be the couple you really want to be. He will not be able to change everything, I cannot, but he like myself can learn to better cope and you learn to even better communicate and manage his behavior. He most likely does really does love you in his own ways, but like most Aspies, struggles to show it in proper ways. In his mind, he is helping and being a good person, even though its really causing other issues. He, like myself, views the world from a different angle. My wife has had to comprimise and realize that I will never want to cuddle, I barely want to hug, I do not make eye contact or if I do its very brief. After any socializing, I need long periods of down time, which for me is playing with my model trains, so she atleast knows where I am. I have but one friend that I do stuff with and we suspect he to is on the spectrum. She has had to learn to enjoy my hobbies as per my therapist, it was her best way to connect with me. There are lots of resouces on the net, atleast one or two good books written with you, the NT in the relationship in mind, that you should get and read. Being on the spectrum is different for each person, kind of like a food buffet, each person gets a dab of this, a drop of that and a whole bunch of that. So no one person is the same as others. And do not count your daughter out, you will have to watch her as she grows as Asperger's in girls is much harder to see, but she could very well have it. If she has it, hopefully not, the earlier you can start interventions and therpy, the better off she will be as an adult. Good luck and your in the right place. Mike

 

[Abrightfutureahead]

Thank you so much for everyone's advice, especially mike; your story rings true to what I've experienced with him. He doesn't like to cuddle or give eye contact, I've always taken that personally. At first I thought the eye contact thing would get better the more he got to know me but it never has.
He has the attitude that he is a good person as well and that he is doing what he is supposed to.
He says the same thing to me when he retreats after spending a long period of time with me, he says well you know where I am I'm always at home.
He has one friend and his friends brother. I suspect the friend is also on the spectrum.

He always gives me gifts as his way to make things up to me. They are always second hand "treasures" he has come across, like a watch or something for the house.

He is thoughtful and surprises me sometimes with how thoughtful he can be. But the emotional disconnect is always there.

If he isn't with me thinking he's helping and being productive he's with his parents doing the same thing and getting his much needed alone time..

I hope my daughter is ok. Poor thing I have ADHD so he has to put up with my ways as well, perhaps that's why we were attracted to eachother, we both know how it feels to be a little different and not quite fit in

 

[Azul-Infinito]

Ummm... being on the autism spectrum doesnt effect your ability to treat people with respect and decency. I mean morality is something separate.

Yes, he may well be on the spectrum. But that is not an excuse for treating people badly to the point that it sounds like it borders on abuse,if it is in fact as bad as you say.

In my opinion that type of blatant disrespect for other people come from upbringing, not autism. Do you know what i mean? That is a byproduct of nurture ,not nature behavior traits.

Best