"Just make friends!" Most unhelpful advice ever?

[SunnyDay16]

When you're feeling down about yourself and such, sometimes the advice to just make more friends will be given to you. And, I'm not trying to be a jerk about this, but is it only me who sees the advice incredibly unhelpful?

Not only is it vague, but it's not like making friends comes naturally to everyone, especially us aspies. There's a reason why we tend to be socially excluded and easy targets for bullying. We don't "get" all the little social rules and norms that NTs apparently know by osmosis and even if we do learn them it's not like friends will just fall into our lap. It takes two to make a friendship happen, but it's hard to actually find people who
a. Want to be friends with us
b. Are willing to make plans with us and actually keep those plans
c. We enjoy being in their company and they enjoy being with us without trying to change us or who we are

And if you live in a smaller town? Forget it. It's going to be even harder.

I'm not saying it's bad to try and make friends. It's always good to try and socialize with people, but I wish that the advice to try to "make more friends" wasn't given so often, because the majority of people looking for social advice don't know how to really make friends. Or they're unlucky enough to be surrounded by people who don't want their friendship because, as I said, it takes two people to make a friendship work.

 

[Suzanne]

My husband has been "guilty" of saying this and I have just sighed I frustration.

For goodness sake, have I not tried for years?

I made my first friend online and although things changed and no longer have that friendship, it has helped me to understand the concept a bit better and I have another friend now. She is much older than me, but she accepts me and I am learning to like what is likable and just deal with what is not so likable lol

 

[Progster]

Yeah not at all helpful - a conversation that goes a bit like this:

Me: I'm feeling down, depressed.
Other: You need to get out more, make some more friends.

In my experience, people mean well, but really don't know how to help. People think and talk in memes or cliches and (edit) they don't think deeper than that - it's a meme to tell people to make more friends or to get out more.

 

[Nervous Rex]

For 20 years, I've seen people at work go out to lunch together and wondered how they decided to do that, and why I never get invited to lunch. Since being diagnosed, I now understand that there's some social thing I'm not doing. Of course, knowing that doesn't tell me how to do it.

 

[TheFreeCat]

When ever anyone gives me advice, I stop them and ask, "How?"

As soon as they say, "I don't know!"

Then I point out that I don't know, either.

If they are willing to sit there and map out a plan with me, to take into consideration all the reasons I cannot do what they think is so simple, and contingency planning, charts about what to do if A happens, or B happens, etc. etc.......ONLY THEN will I listen to them.

Otherwise I don't even hear what they are saying even if their mouth is moving.

 

[Pats]

'Just make friends" - that's one of the things that makes us feel down about ourselves. IF we wanted to, we don't know how.
I got very irritated at the psychiatrist when I first went to him. As I was trying to explain to him that I just don't know how to make friends he came back with, "Sometimes people just don't click." So all the hundreds, maybe thousands, of people I have come into contact with over my life - I just didn't click with any of them.
@Progster - Yes, I've always heard, "You need to get out more", and that's the exact words they use. Come to find out - I just needed to stay in more.

 

[Fino]

I avoid complaining to stupid people, so I'm not sure if I've ever heard this directed at me. My dad has said, "I wish you had friends," but I don't think that was advice.

 

[Nervous Rex]

If they are willing to sit there and map out a plan with me, to take into consideration all the reasons I cannot do what they think is so simple, and contingency planning, charts about what to do if A happens, or B happens, etc. etc.......ONLY THEN will I listen to them.

And making plans like that is a very autistic approach. (Exclusively autistic?)

I don't have the natural instinct to know the right decision and the right thing to say in every situation, so I run my life off plans, lists, and flowcharts because that's the only way I know to get by.

My counselor told me that when he was writing up my diagnosis and documenting the degree to which I over-analyze everything in order to understand what's going on, he thought, "No wonder he's tired all the time."

 

[Judge]

With such an overwhelming 98% social majority (according to the CDC) , there's no incentive for most Neurotypicals to want or try to understand how different our thought processes can be over issues like socialization and communication.

That the vast majority of people have no concept of Neurodiversity and are most likely to simply default to what they know, understand and above all, comes entirely natural to them. -Not to us.

Not that they will understand, but at least you can be honest and direct in responding what is obvious to us, but not obvious to them. That most any process of pursuing friendship and communication does not necessarily come naturally to us as it does to them. They won't likely have any "snappy comeback", but at least you can establish the idea that human thought processes are not uniformly the same. Something that will likely come as a revelation to them.

This isn't about malice, but rather a combination of ignorance and indifference.

Whether solicited or not, expect most NTs to give you the only perception of socialization and communication they have. Theirs- not yours. It's not a matter of fault or culpability, but simply a response based on a social majority. Unless perhaps you come across those relatively rare persons who for whatever reason, wanted to understand autism and have succeeded in doing so.

 

[Graphin]

My parents keep doing that, I am in a rather sparse area, they also don't like to let me anywhere on my own.

How about asking whether they'd want to be friends with you, just do what they say on them even maybe

 

[Autistamatic]

In my younger years, when we moved house my father would pick a nearby pub and just go there on his own, buy a pint and start up conversations with people until they became familiar with him and he was regarded as a "regular". He made friends - not friends in the sense I would regard, but they were people he could have a drink with or play a game of snooker or darts with a bit of banter.
I couldn't do that in a month of Sundays, but he could never understand how impossible something like that was for me.

 

[Pats]

In my younger years, when we moved house my father would pick a nearby pub and just go there on his own, buy a pint and start up conversations with people until they became familiar with him and he was regarded as a "regular". He made friends - not friends in the sense I would regard, but they were people he could have a drink with or play a game of snooker or darts with a bit of banter.
I couldn't do that in a month of Sundays, but he could never understand how impossible something like that was for me.

My dad was one of those who never met a person that was not his friend. I remember a couple times him getting another car to pull over to the side of the highway because of their license plate and start a conversation with them. And people liked him everywhere he went. When he died I knew I wouldn't miss him but as they played a video with pictures from his life, I cried because I never knew that side of him like everyone else did. And that video said more than anyone else would know - none of the pictures included his family. And that was pretty much his life. Sometimes I feel sad for him because it's his family that could have given him the most happiness and he rejected it. He was just a mean person to those who loved him most.

 

[puzzlingbill]

Before I'd figured out the aspie thing, I went to a site that purported to help you deal with depression. The first thing to do, according to them, is talk to your friends about these feelings. I didn't get a chance to ask the author what you're supposed to do if you've never had anybody like that you could talk to. I immediately thought of this when I read the thread title.

 

[Theta.G]

I recognize that the most helpful advice i get is from online teachers or sources. From people in these forums as well.

Notice that doesn't really happen irl. From one person, i tend to get advice along the lines of: "just take this drug and you'll be fine." (anecdotal) poorly thought of, dangerous and incredibly moronic, stupid advice. Those who have never read a book in their life yet live vicariously through their doctor as a wannabe intellectual. "My doctor said..." Some people who aren't qualified to advise me basically or anyone else for that matter lol It gets worse if they're manipulative! Be aware that their ignorance can infect you! Lol
Totally understand where you're coming from.

Anyway. You can recognize it as different worlds. I've spent my adult life studying, researching, experimenting and acquiring various skills along the way. Some people around me happen to almost never go online or read any books. They've never met with someone that threatens their identity as an intellectual within their own group of friends. The point is.... In their world, in their limited perspective... they are the genius. Almost functions similar to the cheerleader effect.

They genuinely believe haphazard advice like "go make friends" is simple... because it comes natural to them. It's a second nature they don't realize / truly understand what they have while others don't. They don't even consider your struggles or why it won't work for you.

The reason why i rarely ever create threads or seek advice from people irl is 99.9% of the time the question already has an accurate, in depth answer online within quick reach. Then you can spend hours, days, weeks or even months diving down deeper and deeper into greater depths until you've absorbed the essence of experts who spent decades of their life on the topic.

For the sake of example and to help others out a bit will go through a quick, simplified breakdown of my process using this topic
Just make friends!

Spoiler

You can start with the obvious "how to make friends" in standard searches. Then in Gibiru.com. scan the descriptions. open up links that seem resourceful in new tabs. Scan through for useful information.
Refine it further.
" How to make friends as an adult "
"how to make friends as an aspie"
x "whatever you can think of or extract from other info sources."
Here you'll become aware of better answers. It's a more targeted search term. Same process as 1. It's a fairly common question so results will also include dozens of past forum or message board posts on this matter. Those posts may lead to book titles that you can copy and paste into libgen or youtube. Someone may drop names. Professional psychologists who have made this study their main focus. You can dig into the name and see if they truly have the accolades the person claims or if it was just someone who got suckered by marketing and promotion of the person and recommended them based off of that.

Say you watch some video seminars of that expert -or- you go through a good book that drops some more key phrases and things to look into. You discover you have to put yourself out there. "Oh, i have to change myself if I'm ever going to make friends! But i don't wanna it's scary " So then you start exploring what holds you back from putting yourself out there. Increasing your self awareness. Why do you think that way? why you feel that way?
For the sake of example lets just say it's one thing. After some self exploration you find out it's from social anxiety. Then the search takes you to overcoming social anxiety. You find a mountain of resources. videos, documentaries, scientific studies, programs, bootcamps, etc. You'll find dozens of methods to treat this on your own or you can seek out professionals.
Then it becomes a matter of doing the exercises to change who you are. Experiment and find what works for you. You discover the power of hypnosis. god. magick. CBT. Exercise. Whatever. Whatever clicked and worked for you.
If there is still some lingering fear with putting yourself out there the methods you've just learned about, that worked for social anxiety will work for the obliteration or suppression of fear. You take other information you amassed during the process and go to certain locations that have good odds of success for developing friendships. You do quite well but lets say your attempts fail. Ok then more study and research. Look into persuasion and influence, social psychology, and so much more. There will always be more experts, approaches and whatever else you can extract from information. Repeat the processes and bam. The next time you try to make friends you're successful. You do it several more times with success. Then you become that person who has friend making as a 2nd nature ability. Although, when giving advice you know better because you've struggled with it in the past. You have a well developed perspective that many others do not. And most never will. (If you've read this far you have what it takes to do anything yu want on your own using the process) So, this would actually make you a good teacher as well.

Whether this can be accomplished or not comes down to... how high of a priority it is for you to make friends? Many people don't put in the work it takes to get what they desire. They want that stupid magic pill that solves everything with no work. I could tell you the most effective answer to this problem right now but if you don't have the understanding acquired from your own research and study then preconceived beliefs will sabotage you on this matter. Mentioning what it is now, would also get extremely predictable replies from others who have absolutely no idea what this is all about. Which will then reinforce your own false beliefs on it and you will have more reason to dismiss it because of the existing paradigms. Know what i mean?

When you discover the answers for yourself you will have a full understanding on why it works this way. You will be more inclined to do it. If someone just tells you the answer and you don't understand the mechanics... improvement is far from likely and it will be missing necessary details relative to your own situation. [/s]

 

[BraidedPony]

I agree with you that the advice to just go out and make friends is not helpful. Or when depressed, to call a friend (I don’t have any).
I’m also agoraphobic and get advice like, confront your fear and go out a little bit every day.
Depressed? Think happy thoughts!
The next person that tells me I have low self esteem and need to be more assertive...I’m going to tell them to go eff themself.
Well, maybe not...lol

 

[Isadoorian]

yeah, one of the most unhelpful things ever... "Yeah, why don't I just find a Friend Tree and pick out the Friends I want?, they must work the same as Money Trees"

 

[Nihil]

People don't understand that sometimes we freeze up in social situations. Not just because we're "nervous" but our brains are different. This happens to me constantly. It's like I would have to rewire my brain just to hold a conversation with someone.

 

[Annanda]

My counselor told me that when he was writing up my diagnosis and documenting the degree to which I over-analyze everything in order to understand what's going on, he thought, "No wonder he's tired all the time."

Thank you for sharing this one, Nervous Rex!
This often crippling tiredness is probably the most constant friend I ever had.

What is friendship for us?
What is a friend considered to be?
I'm able to find people, who want to be with me, but I need years to look through their motivation. There is great risk, that my discovery might be very disappointing.
I think we need a "naturally upright" person to be our friend, who is not tempted to take advantage from our blindness and those are rare.
It's impossible to just go out and find them.
We would need help from a wise person.
But how to find her/him?
Never ending story!

Conclusion:
Advice is not always nice! But in this case also dangerous!

 

[Nihil]

Also one time my brother said I just need to "try harder" to be more social. Uh, no, that's not how it works.

 

[Gritches]

It's common advice, but by the virtue that it is common advice means that it must seriously be just that easy for NTs to simply go out and make friends.

My response to "make some friends" would be "sorry, human cloning is still illegal".