Ravendreams
New Member
Im not really sure what to write here. Im not good at starting or ending stories. I hate to talk with people but once Instart I cant stop and realize I miss having friends so much but afterward when I realize how much I talked and must have been annoying as hell Im so ashamed that I swear I will never talk to someone again.
What teachers aunts...anyone used to say about me growing up is that I was always exagerating or very good at finding reasons to save myself from troubles. I always craved growing up to get to that point where I'd get all it meant but Im almost mid thirthies and still dont understand what any of it meant.
As a kid in school I never understood why people didnt understand me or doubted my sincerity. And was that weirdo who didnt understand so obvious jokes. None of that changed stil the same.
If I had to choose from all my trauma one that made my life the worst it wouldnt be being mistreated by my parents, being starved, being physically and verbally beaten for 2 years in middle school, raped by first bf, withnessing my foster parent sleeping with kids, being beated up and strangled frquently by my babys fat her for 3 years and while I was pregnant or anyone of my traumatic brain injury.
No. Id say the worst was that evry single person I begged to help me in my life because so many times I couldnt take it anymore have made me believe that my imagination, my weird special interest, my need of repetition, my need of questionning everything and my deep thinking was general anxiety disorder when those are just personality traits I should have embraced sooner.
I was researching about the different learning difficulties to figure out how to help my son who exhausted all of his caregivers and teachers and anyone around how I coukd help him when I stumbled upon an autism article.
I felt it was crazy h ow it felt like me. I read an article about autistic female underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed with other mental health problems and I felt something Inhad not felt ever; hope.
many therapist tried to diagnose me in the past but were not quite sure exactly what to diagnose me with.
It became my new special interest for about 2 years of reading and exchange with officially diagnosed people to feel allowed to call myself Autistic. For the past 9 months of my life I have been "depression" free. First time ever I feel happy.
I am setting my own rules in my own world in my head. I will never let someone who know me for 2 weeks tell me I have serious anxiety issues because I like deep think about everything like how and where things are made. Where did my food grow ? Was it imported? Was it grown with pesticide, cancergenic herbicide ?
What is the universe ?
What does my body needs at a cellular level ?
How can I be healthier?
I was always only told this is called overthinking and anxiety. All my life I tried to be less anxious. I read so many books and listened to everything I could online about how to medidate and be more relax. I've read books about neurolimguistic programation and how to improve myself at being a better human to try to fit. I know every therapy and breathing exercise. Everything failed.
Actually my anxiety was based on lies I believed from people who had totally misjuged me.
I have severe dr.appointment anxiety and that is all. So when I see a dr of course they think Im super anxious at all time and try to prescribe me dangerous toxines for my brain. Which always worsen every guts problems. Considering mental health is 80% in the guts it just gets worse over time. Im on a strict clean diet now and I can swear to you my behaviour is not pretty when I ingest things my sensitive leaky gut dont like.
I also strongly believe I have CTE from all the beating and its making my single mom life much harder then it should be.
I hope my kids will forgive me but I wont.
I wish I could restart my life all over knowing what I know now about myself.
What teachers aunts...anyone used to say about me growing up is that I was always exagerating or very good at finding reasons to save myself from troubles. I always craved growing up to get to that point where I'd get all it meant but Im almost mid thirthies and still dont understand what any of it meant.
As a kid in school I never understood why people didnt understand me or doubted my sincerity. And was that weirdo who didnt understand so obvious jokes. None of that changed stil the same.
If I had to choose from all my trauma one that made my life the worst it wouldnt be being mistreated by my parents, being starved, being physically and verbally beaten for 2 years in middle school, raped by first bf, withnessing my foster parent sleeping with kids, being beated up and strangled frquently by my babys fat her for 3 years and while I was pregnant or anyone of my traumatic brain injury.
No. Id say the worst was that evry single person I begged to help me in my life because so many times I couldnt take it anymore have made me believe that my imagination, my weird special interest, my need of repetition, my need of questionning everything and my deep thinking was general anxiety disorder when those are just personality traits I should have embraced sooner.
I was researching about the different learning difficulties to figure out how to help my son who exhausted all of his caregivers and teachers and anyone around how I coukd help him when I stumbled upon an autism article.
I felt it was crazy h ow it felt like me. I read an article about autistic female underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed with other mental health problems and I felt something Inhad not felt ever; hope.
many therapist tried to diagnose me in the past but were not quite sure exactly what to diagnose me with.
It became my new special interest for about 2 years of reading and exchange with officially diagnosed people to feel allowed to call myself Autistic. For the past 9 months of my life I have been "depression" free. First time ever I feel happy.
I am setting my own rules in my own world in my head. I will never let someone who know me for 2 weeks tell me I have serious anxiety issues because I like deep think about everything like how and where things are made. Where did my food grow ? Was it imported? Was it grown with pesticide, cancergenic herbicide ?
What is the universe ?
What does my body needs at a cellular level ?
How can I be healthier?
I was always only told this is called overthinking and anxiety. All my life I tried to be less anxious. I read so many books and listened to everything I could online about how to medidate and be more relax. I've read books about neurolimguistic programation and how to improve myself at being a better human to try to fit. I know every therapy and breathing exercise. Everything failed.
Actually my anxiety was based on lies I believed from people who had totally misjuged me.
I have severe dr.appointment anxiety and that is all. So when I see a dr of course they think Im super anxious at all time and try to prescribe me dangerous toxines for my brain. Which always worsen every guts problems. Considering mental health is 80% in the guts it just gets worse over time. Im on a strict clean diet now and I can swear to you my behaviour is not pretty when I ingest things my sensitive leaky gut dont like.
I also strongly believe I have CTE from all the beating and its making my single mom life much harder then it should be.
I hope my kids will forgive me but I wont.
I wish I could restart my life all over knowing what I know now about myself.
