Just moved in with my Aspie, need

[Surf girl]

I have had the strangest relationship. To start with I got into a full on relationship with a lovely Aspie man. There was some distance between us but I would visit every other weekend talk every single day and text constantly between visits. After six months he went into Aspie burnout. He had been masking for all this time. His words "I want to be with someone but not with you" I put this down to my being older and at the time I was selling my home So I did stress out and I am sure he felt this.
We continued to have a sort of relationship. The same talking everyday and constant texting. Fewer visits from me but this was due to new worK commitments and completion on my house sale. I believed that, maybe given space and time he would understand that i was not going to just walk away because I felt he may be confused about what his feelings are for me.

My intention was to move to where he lived because it suited me and who I am. New start in life. I want to buy a house. Have some independence and be near to him and he would have his independence and we could meet somewhere in the middle.

So five days ago I arrived in his home town. I have my new life and I am so happy

BUT. My temporary rental accommodation whilst I look to buy didn't work out. Very long story short he said I could move in with him for a week or two until I can find something else. He has a 3 bed house and lives in it alone but I have always had a house key and he would never take it back after his burnout.

Now I need a crash course on how no to screw things up now I am here. I am mindful of all his routines and I am desperately trying not to upset things here. I put everything I use away and I folllow his lead on what he expects and his standards

I have been working opposite hours to him so he works in the day and I work in the evening and this gives him space however this is not going to be the norm as my shifts change.

I do know that he has high stress levels. I understand that it is desperately uncomfortable for me to be in his home and his response to me last night was to ask how long will I be here for

I got upset and cried ( he hates me crying and told me off. He said that I told him all my crying was done, I said that this is normal for a person to get up set and this is a new sadness) I told him that it was never my intention to be here in his home and my friendship with him was too important and I would move out immediately into a travel lodge rather than wreck our relationship

What is happening with him. Is it possible that he will never accept me being in his home.
Or is it possible that eventually I be absorbed into his routines. Can aspies accommodate change especially something as big as this. He has not had a GF for years and he has never lived with anyone i need to keep his stress levels down. I need to understand. I need a crash course in adapting to life with an Aspie
Any advice would be so gratefully received

 

[BeachLife]

Hello Surf girl, It's lovely how much you obviously really love this man. I'm thinking that one of the big bonuses about being with an aspie is that if you ask for the truth you will most probably get it. It may help him feel accepted and unconditionally loved if you explain that you understand that he had burnout. Perhaps you already told him this. Are you also on the spectrum? I'm thinking, It might be worthwhile to just ask him if you can have a frank conversation. Then if he wants to, just ask him directly, all the things that you want to know, including if there is a chance the relationship may have a future. You would need to be prepared for the truth, but at least you would know. Hope this helps

 

[Tom]

Tbh you seem to be ignoring his feelings and pushing yourself on him. There is no Aspie misunderstanding. He doesn't want a relationship with you and wants you to keep to your word and find your own place and move out quickly.

 

[Bolletje]

He’s not ‘your’ Aspie, he’s your ex-boyfriend. Move out, move on and adapt to a life without him, rather than trying to cling to a way to stay and make this work.

 

[tree]

It was kind of him to allow you to stay at his place briefly
but it looks as if you created your own (housing) emergency
by moving, in the first place.

This---"I want to be with someone but not with you"---
appears to be quite clear regarding his intentions toward
having a closer relationship with you.

You don't "need to keep his stress levels" down. That's not
your responsibility. I think one action you could take that
would reduce stress on the man is to move out, and not
pressure him regarding a BF/GF relationship between the
two of you.

 

[Judge]

Sounds like it's time to admit to creating a "Catch-22". That you want to resurrect and restore a past relationship that you can't. Compounded by becoming an "overstayed guest".

Neither conditions serve you, or your friend. Best to simply leave and try to remain cordial- and grateful about being a temporary guest and little else. And move on accordingly.

 

[the_tortoise]

I got upset and cried ( he hates me crying and told me off. He said that I told him all my crying was done, I said that this is normal for a person to get up set and this is a new sadness)

Telling you off for crying is not very nice. It sucks that he did that.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation, but I agree with those who have said the best solution is for you to find other housing as soon as possible. It sounds pretty clear that your ex wants to remain your ex and doesn't want a roomate or long-term house guest; So if you want to have a friendship with him the best thing to do is respect his wishes -- both about your relationship and about his desire to not have you living with him.

Even if he loves and cares for you deeply as a friend, it doesn't mean he can handle living with you or that he would want to live with you even if he could handle it.

And even if he is confused about his feelings for you (I don't understand why you think he is confused), staying in his house when he doesn't want you to be there is not likely to help him figure things out. Giving him space and respecting his boundaries would be better.

 

[Theta.G]

You're sort of "soft" exposing him to what living with you would be like. As long as you don't over stay your welcome then down the track he may be the one to come to you and suggest the move in.

 

[Surf girl]

18 months later update

So I am still living with my ex. We could not be happier. He goes above and beyond to make me happy and hopefully I do for him too

On reflection I am going to suggest that we both had much to learn about each other in the early days and just as then we continue to do so.

I was all set to buy a house in January having been here just over one year, about one week before contracts were to exchange on a property that I was purchasing had a meltdown. I told him that I did not want to buy the house and I was happy living with him, he asks me why was I buying the house and why did I not just say something before.He said he liked having me here and didn't want me to go. He also suggested I put my house buying savings in to very long term untouchable accounts, so I am absolutely sure that he wants me to stay.
How to define what it is that we now have. He will not allow me to pay for anything to the house. No rent of bills contribution He earns much more than me so our agreement is that I buy the food. He cooks and cleans sometimes does my washing if I can't get in there first. Usually if I am at work. Due to the nature of my work I sometimes finish at midnight. He relocates my car to our side my work when parking eases off if it rains so I don't get wet on bad bad weather days. I have a lot of input into the house He includes me in all of the furniture buying and decorating and won't proceed unless it's a mutal desicion.
So we are not in a relationship. What we have is more than that.

Why I am updating this post.

I understand now that I was advised by a few of you to leave him alone. But on reflection he was not used to being in a relationship and it all became overwhelming for him so his response was to push me away. I felt that we had something good and if I did not push him to get our relationship back to where it was, he would learn to trust that I do genuinely love and care for him and that we could be ok together.
The only question is are we just good friends or is this a relationship again ? Ok so there is no longer is intimate in respect of sleeping together but I would forgo that any day just to have him in my life. We are occasionally very tactical with each other and we play fight but nothing more and I will certainly not push for anything more.

 

[BradT]

I have had the strangest relationship. To start with I got into a full on relationship with a lovely Aspie man. There was some distance between us but I would visit every other weekend talk every single day and text constantly between visits. After six months he went into Aspie burnout. He had been masking for all this time. His words "I want to be with someone but not with you" I put this down to my being older and at the time I was selling my home So I did stress out and I am sure he felt this.
We continued to have a sort of relationship. The same talking everyday and constant texting. Fewer visits from me but this was due to new worK commitments and completion on my house sale. I believed that, maybe given space and time he would understand that i was not going to just walk away because I felt he may be confused about what his feelings are for me.

My intention was to move to where he lived because it suited me and who I am. New start in life. I want to buy a house. Have some independence and be near to him and he would have his independence and we could meet somewhere in the middle.

So five days ago I arrived in his home town. I have my new life and I am so happy

BUT. My temporary rental accommodation whilst I look to buy didn't work out. Very long story short he said I could move in with him for a week or two until I can find something else. He has a 3 bed house and lives in it alone but I have always had a house key and he would never take it back after his burnout.

Now I need a crash course on how no to screw things up now I am here. I am mindful of all his routines and I am desperately trying not to upset things here. I put everything I use away and I folllow his lead on what he expects and his standards

I have been working opposite hours to him so he works in the day and I work in the evening and this gives him space however this is not going to be the norm as my shifts change.

I do know that he has high stress levels. I understand that it is desperately uncomfortable for me to be in his home and his response to me last night was to ask how long will I be here for

I got upset and cried ( he hates me crying and told me off. He said that I told him all my crying was done, I said that this is normal for a person to get up set and this is a new sadness) I told him that it was never my intention to be here in his home and my friendship with him was too important and I would move out immediately into a travel lodge rather than wreck our relationship

What is happening with him. Is it possible that he will never accept me being in his home.
Or is it possible that eventually I be absorbed into his routines. Can aspies accommodate change especially something as big as this. He has not had a GF for years and he has never lived with anyone i need to keep his stress levels down. I need to understand. I need a crash course in adapting to life with an Aspie
Any advice would be so gratefully received

First of all he's not your "aspie" man, he's your ex boyfriend or boyfriend or whatever; that is very insulting to some of us when NT's use the word aspie. We are regular people too.

 

[Aspychata]

18 months later update

So I am still living with my ex. We could not be happier. He goes above and beyond to make me happy and hopefully I do for him too

On reflection I am going to suggest that we both had much to learn about each other in the early days and just as then we continue to do so.

I was all set to buy a house in January having been here just over one year, about one week before contracts were to exchange on a property that I was purchasing had a meltdown. I told him that I did not want to buy the house and I was happy living with him, he asks me why was I buying the house and why did I not just say something before.He said he liked having me here and didn't want me to go. He also suggested I put my house buying savings in to very long term untouchable accounts, so I am absolutely sure that he wants me to stay.
How to define what it is that we now have. He will not allow me to pay for anything to the house. No rent of bills contribution He earns much more than me so our agreement is that I buy the food. He cooks and cleans sometimes does my washing if I can't get in there first. Usually if I am at work. Due to the nature of my work I sometimes finish at midnight. He relocates my car to our side my work when parking eases off if it rains so I don't get wet on bad bad weather days. I have a lot of input into the house He includes me in all of the furniture buying and decorating and won't proceed unless it's a mutal desicion.
So we are not in a relationship. What we have is more than that.

Why I am updating this post.

I understand now that I was advised by a few of you to leave him alone. But on reflection he was not used to being in a relationship and it all became overwhelming for him so his response was to push me away. I felt that we had something good and if I did not push him to get our relationship back to where it was, he would learn to trust that I do genuinely love and care for him and that we could be ok together.
The only question is are we just good friends or is this a relationship again ? Ok so there is no longer is intimate in respect of sleeping together but I would forgo that any day just to have him in my life. We are occasionally very tactical with each other and we play fight but nothing more and I will certainly not push for anything more.

It's just nice to read this. Glad that this seems to be successful. Two people living together is pretty difficult. There obviously are feelings involved and you both made it happen.