Just venting, I guess

[vergil96]

So I don’t really have a purpose with this post. I don’t really know where this all is going.

I’ve been burnt out for about a month now. It by itself isn’t very convenient. I’ve been trying to take more time to rest and be alone, because socialising drains me right now. It’s not possible to the degree that I need. I feel oversensitive to everything, it’s draining.

My therapist acts like an anti-psychologist. He’s been encouraging me to do things such as:
- fidgeting
- leaving to get a coffee during a lecture
- annoying people with questions about obvious things
- not making facial expressions that I don’t want to make
- saying what’s on my mind instead of what I think I should say
I’m not sure if it’s helping or anything. The last one is probably a bad idea in many circumstances. Questions can get annoying. The rest - people don’t seem to get mad.

I’m not sure where I am with all this, probably I’m not even masking, I just melt down sometimes and I’m losing hope to ever be understood with it. I have no idea how to prevent these situations that I’m friends with someone, then I have a meltdown, because I’m quite worn out by many negative experiences and I can’t do anything about it, and then this person doesn’t want to listen what happened (of course I’m sorry for hurting their feeling and I apologise), doesn’t acknowledge that I‘m just annoying and not mean, doesn’t acknowledge that it was because I had a problem, and either I or this person breaks the contact, because they either hate me or I don’t tolerate them telling what I feel.

I also don’t think CBT methods are any helpful, I got annoyed last night asking this question somewhere else on the social media and getting an answer that basically made me feel guilty and nothing else, but I’m feeling oversensitive lately, so I think these people must have assumed that it looked differne than it really did, such as that I called people names during the meltdown, swore, hit someone, or that I didn’t apologise for hurting someone’s feelings or that I wasn’t trying to not have a meltdown. Like, I don’t know, most therapeutic methods and advice are directed at people who don’t cope well in life and don’t know what they should be doing for whatever reason. I find all CBT and advice counterproductive in my case. I want to have friends, I want to feel seen in these friendships, I don’t want to have to act like I’m someone to condemn or that me having a problem is condemnable and that other people are inherently morally better. They’re not, they just don’t have certain experiences. All I want is real friends, maybe they’re hard to find.

And generally speaking, I’m burnt out and annoyed with pointless arguments that result from it. I’m trying to communicate what is going on on my end, so people don’t get mad that I’m “not trying”, but get exhausted quickly by trying to for example say things clearly, because I can’t even hear them, or by the situation that I can’t find things as quickly as they would want me to.

 

[vergil96]

With friends, I think I should weed out the mean and unempathetic people before anything happens, but I find it hard due to being emotionally used up by bad experiences. I feel guilty for literally every conflict, and never think it was the other person’s fault. The negative feelings make it hard to feel out whether someone is okay or not, I can do that when I’m calm. Ugh, I don’t see a solution to this situation.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

With friends, I think I should weed out the mean and unempathetic people before anything happens, but I find it hard due to being emotionally used up by bad experiences. I feel guilty for literally every conflict, and never think it was the other person’s fault. The negative feelings make it hard to feel out whether someone is okay or not, I can do that when I’m calm. Ugh, I don’t see a solution to this situation.

1. Yes. Do weed out the mean and unempathetic people in your life. As anti-social as I can be sometimes, I still need some people. I just make sure those few people are whom I actually want in my life, and "kick to the curb" others I don't.
2. The interactions we have with others that don't end well, for one reason or another, is rarely a one-sided thing. Some of it is the social naivety that put us into the the situation in the first place, as well as, we are also prime targets for social manipulation by folks with "personality disorders". Some of it is that many of us use "direct language" which can come off as "abrasive" to some people.
3. Then there is the tendency for us to be victims of our own low dopamine which can manifest itself as depression, but also secondarily, low drive, low self esteem, guilt, anger, and frustration.

Solutions: Everyone has their own path, but being very self aware of one's self and the people around us is the first step. Having a purpose, some goals, then following through with accomplishing things will raise your own confidence, raise your dopamine, and generally make you feel better about life in general.

 

[Knower of nothing]

All of your therapist's advice is aimed at releasing the tension you are carrying around with you everywhere. Such tension is like a massive fuel leak, regular living will take multiple times the effort it otherwise would. They're giving many different suggestions, but they all have the same purpose. So it's down to what you are capable of allowing yourself to do.
Ideally once you have a modicum of spare energy you will be able to more pro-actively seek improvement in your social situations without feeling overwhelmed by the prospect.

 

[vergil96]

Then there is the tendency for us to be victims of our own low dopamine which can manifest itself as depression, but also secondarily, low drive, low self esteem, guilt, anger, and frustration.

It's the first time I hear about it. How is low dopamine related to autism? I've heard about it in the context of ADHD, but I didn't look into it in detail, because I never wanted to take medication for it.

we are also prime targets for social manipulation by folks with "personality disorders". Some of it is that many of us use "direct language" which can come off as "abrasive" to some people.

Does it attract abusive personalities or makes us an easy target, because they are easily offended? Or both? Or something else?

As anti-social as I can be sometimes, I still need some people.

Same here

Having a purpose, some goals, then following through with accomplishing things will raise your own confidence, raise your dopamine, and generally make you feel better about life in general.

Ah, I see. That is what dopamine does in a wider context. It's responsible for feelings of accomplishment. I'm quite confident about my professional skills, I'm stressed out about people and it activates instantly when I participate in a social situation.

All of your therapist's advice is aimed at releasing the tension you are carrying around with you everywhere. Such tension is like a massive fuel leak, regular living will take multiple times the effort it otherwise would. They're giving many different suggestions, but they all have the same purpose. So it's down to what you are capable of allowing yourself to do.
Ideally once you have a modicum of spare energy you will be able to more pro-actively seek improvement in your social situations without feeling overwhelmed by the prospect.

Makes sense. I see now what the point of it is. It seems very counterintuitive, everyone in the past told exactly the opposite.

 

[1ofakind]

With friends, I think I should weed out the mean and unempathetic people before anything happens, but I find it hard due to being emotionally used up by bad experiences. I feel guilty for literally every conflict, and never think it was the other person’s fault. The negative feelings make it hard to feel out whether someone is okay or not, I can do that when I’m calm. Ugh, I don’t see a solution to this situation.

You are not alone in your struggle with this. I also struggle with self-blame and responsibility for conflict. Learning about personality disorders and how they manipulate on purpose helped me better understand my struggle. As Neonatal RRT stated, people on the spectrum are prime targets. People with personality disorders seek out anyone they can control and manipulate. They actually get pleasure from it and they don't like any truths to reveal any shortcomings, mistakes, etc. (Referring to your, "Are they easily offended?" question to Neonatal RRT). I am still trying to learn strategies to recognize toxic traits such as constant invalidation and gaslighting. It seems much more difficult for those of us on the spectrum who have interpersonal blinders, kind hearts, honest intentions and are naïve.

 

[AspieChris]

It’s absolutely possible to find a good person in the world who is simply not compatible with you. Like a straight man who is looking for love and can only find one perfect match…. who is also a man. Neither should try and change, but maybe it’s time to move on. Friends, family, and coworkers can be the same. If it’s not a relationship that works for you, perhaps it’s time to put some distance in between and leave yourself open for a different friend who might be more compatible.

It sounds like maybe you have good people in your life who are just not able to mesh well with your needs. Maybe I’m wrong of course. Just a thought.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It's the first time I hear about it. How is low dopamine related to autism? I've heard about it in the context of ADHD, but I didn't look into it in detail, because I never wanted to take medication for it.


Does it attract abusive personalities or makes us an easy target, because they are easily offended? Or both? Or something else?


Same here


Ah, I see. That is what dopamine does in a wider context. It's responsible for feelings of accomplishment. I'm quite confident about my professional skills, I'm stressed out about people and it activates instantly when I participate in a social situation.


Makes sense. I see now what the point of it is. It seems very counterintuitive, everyone in the past told exactly the opposite.

Autism and Asperger's Condition are low dopamine neurological conditions. This paper describes at least 3 different genetic variants found within the autistic community that affect dopamine turnover. Dopamine Turnover in Asperger Syndrome

Regarding personalities, it does both. It tends to attract abusive personalities because many of us have some degree of social naivity and low self-esteem. An abuser must find someone they feel they can control in order for them to feel good about themselves. Many people on the forums here with horrible stories of abusive, sociopathic, narcissistic people in their lives making it living Hell for them.

 

[vergil96]

Okay, so in order not to make another thread, I'll write here.

Updating on what I wrote, I luckily have a friend who is an aspie and I'm happy I have him and I have support in him, both in terms of being able to vent and getting accepting feedback and because he is willing to write messages instead of meeting in person and we can chat about nerdy topics and have some fun together.

So after giving it some thought and space to process it, I don't really think there is anything wrong with saying what I think in a polite manner (I'm not impolite unless I have a meltdown), not making facial expressions and asking questions about things that other people might think are obvious. I think I'm majorly psyching myself out about it and probably nobody is or will be angry, nobody was so far when I tried. I reached the conclusion that I'm not burnt out but that I act disengeged, because don't want to interact with so many people and because I want to act disengaged, but i expected myself not to. It actually makes me feel more grounded if I don't try to put on an act to express myself like other people would want me to. And it makes me overthink the situations I was in much less, because I don't use myself up as much and don't get as anxious, and I'm able to withstand more contact with others when I don't put on the act and don't try to guess what they want from me or what they mean. It's easier to keep feelings at a manageable level this way.

I'm psyching myself out about eye contact though. Someone asked me on Monday if I don't like him and wasn't sure how to keep the conversation going, because I was tired after a test and I don't think I made much more eye contact than zero. Tbh I always did that when I was tired, not making eye contact, I wasn't aware that most people don't stop making eye contact when they're tired. Luckily the guy believed me that I like him, because he's straightforward, but I find myself overthinking it now. I just burned my brain today by trying to artificially keep on looking other people on the face for 3 seconds. It felt too personal and I feel like after a hugging session. Too much.

I guess I don't have the pointless arguments any more though.