Just wanted to ask some things

[Oodee]

Hi.
So I have been seeing this guy lately, I've known him for years and spent few drunken nights with him before. Then I got engaged and had a child with another man, but that ended really badly, and now we re-connected in another drunken adventure couple weeks ago. Since that he has been spending time (and nights) at my place, and we've been having wonderful time.
I live in a small town (in Finland, so if there are some spelling errors, then it's my stupid phone trying to write in finnish) and of course I have been seeing him sometimes over the few years since I got pregnant and we are friends, so I know him... I wouldn't say good, but somewhat good. So anyways, few weeks ago was the first time we saw in purpose and sober, and he asked me had I ever heard about aspergers. I said yes, but that I don't know that much about it. So he said that when he was a younger, he had been diagnosed with it. And I thought that ok, and asked that it doesen't go away right? You can't cure for that? (Those aren't my exact words. I don't remember what I said, something not that blunt.) And he didn't say much anything. And then I asked that aren't people with aspergers often really smart, and he said yes, sometimes. And that was our first conversation about this subject.
I think I could really fall for this guy. He's smart, calm, caring, no drama and sexy as hell, so now I've been searching info about aspergers and dating, and few questions have arised.
1. When a lot of the traits of an aspie (that's the term, right?) seem really great to me, like that you don't have to speak about your emotions all the time or play any stupid mindgames, then why are there so many threads on different forums titled "Never date a guy with aspergers" or something like that? What are the things that could go wrong? Or usually go wrong?
2. What can I do to make things go right?
3. As I said, we've had sex before when we where drunk, and it was great, at least the bits I can remember. So few nights ago we were doing it sober, and he was really nervous and stopped in the middle of doing stuff and asked if he could talk to me about something. I said of course he could talk to me about anything, and he said that he usually never has sex sober and isn't really used to do so. So I said that we're not in a hurry and that we can just go back to sleep, and I think it's really good that he just is here with me. Did I do the right thing? Or should I have just tried to continue? Is sex hard for the aspies, or can it be, or is this just some other personal trait? The 2y6mo sex killer was sleeping in her bed in the room, so can that be a factor also? Should I get a second bed in the living room? Actually I know the answer to the last two myself
4. He has talked a little about depression, and yesterday he said that he has been feeling a little blue lately. Of course my first thought was that what the F, we've been seeing a lot lately and you're getting depressed. What the F:ing F is this?!?! But then I remembered who he is, and now I'm thinking that should I ask more about this? Or just let it be and wait that he tells me more about it? How common is the depression with the aspies?
5. I know his last gf, we were best friends at some point, and when I asked him that why did they break up, he said that because he just couldn't make himself love her. Then he said that he's never been in love. And the a-hole I am, I said that that's a little sad. I don't know how could I be so stupid. Well anyways, he then explained, that he had liked a person really really much, but not loved, and asked that isn't love something that comes with time. I tried to explain my own experiences. That sometimes you know quickly and sometimes it takes time. So how hard can love be for aspies? As a woman I of course instantly thought that great, now I just make him fall in love with me, but how slim are the chances of that really happening?
I don't think his ASD is as bad as they come. He has a lot of friends who he sees regularly, he loves to keep me close when we sleep and hugs me and stuff and understands when I say things ironically. He's a delight to talk to and I really wish that this is gonna work. There are some things that make it obvious that he is on the spectrum, as they say. His face looks really blank often. Almost all of my friends thought that he's a doper who's always really f'd up. Even his own father sometimes thinks he's not sober. He gets really tired really easy (is this even ASD thing?) and likes to take naps and such. When he gets anxiety, he closes up. And he has a way to just blurt things out, but I don't mind. He said it used to be really much worse when he was younger, and people would get really mad at him. He was also bullied in school.
I know that I'm maybe thinking this way too much, but I am an analytical person and love facts, so I'm quite fascinated that I finally might be dating someone who has somekind of written instructions, since there are so many books and other reading about this subject. I appreciate all the answers, short and long.

 

[Bella Pines]

. When a lot of the traits of an aspie (that's the term, right?) seem really great to me, like that you don't have to speak about your emotions all the time or play any stupid mindgames, then why are there so many threads on different forums titled "Never date a guy with aspergers" or something like that? What are the things that could go wrong? Or usually go wrong?

Let me reassure you that it's perfectly fine.

I am in my 40s, I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 12 and we have a great home and two lovely boys. I am aspie and my husband is NT (neurotypical).

It's far more common that people realize. I studied physics and uni/college and I reckon about 90% of my year had aspergers. We aren't all shy geniuses, there are many different traits, that's why it's called the autistic spectrum.

Traits would be things like not playing mind games, if I like someone I will say "I like you". If I don't like a particular food, I will say "I don't like this food".

As an aspie, what I cannot comprehend, is how this is unusual!! We are highly logical, straight forward, we take in a lot of information, spot patterns and inform people. That's roughly why people don't like us . For example, if my husband says "do you think I'm needy and emotional?", I say... "yes". Not what he wants to hear!

2. What can I do to make things go right?

Give him space, think about what you want and ask for it.

We take in a LOT of information, every small detail and we need quiet time to process it. I take about 6 hours a week away from my family to sit quietly in a coffee shop and live quite happily that way.

If you want something like reassurance, ask for it. Don't play games like making whiney comments like "oh if you loved me you would XXX". Just ask! Say "do you love me?" and he will probably reply, "I care about what happens to you", which is aspie for "yes, I love you".

3. As I said, we've had sex before when we where drunk, and it was great, at least the bits I can remember. So few nights ago we were doing it sober, and he was really nervous and stopped in the middle of doing stuff and asked if he could talk to me about something. I said of course he could talk to me about anything, and he said that he usually never has sex sober and isn't really used to do so. So I said that we're not in a hurry and that we can just go back to sleep, and I think it's really good that he just is here with me. Did I do the right thing? Or should I have just tried to continue? Is sex hard for the aspies, or can it be, or is this just some other personal trait? The 2y6mo sex killer was sleeping in her bed in the room, so can that be a factor also? Should I get a second bed in the living room? Actually I know the answer to the last two myself

It is hard, we overthink and are not overly affectionate. We are often quite sensitive so can get "touched out" and need to retreat. You did exactly the right thing, just accept him for what he is and carry on. There's no reason to get a second bed, it's not that bad! I share a bed with my husband and am used to it now so just keep doing what you want to do and he will eventually get used to it.

4. He has talked a little about depression, and yesterday he said that he has been feeling a little blue lately. Of course my first thought was that what the F, we've been seeing a lot lately and you're getting depressed. What the F:ing F is this?!?! But then I remembered who he is, and now I'm thinking that should I ask more about this? Or just let it be and wait that he tells me more about it? How common is the depression with the aspies?

I used to be very depressed but ironically my husband slowly helped me. We identified what got me frazzled (commuting and crowds of people!) and I avoid it. I take time out, go to the forest and read a book. I don't get triggered much at all nowadays.

Also we have special interests and hyperfocus on them. I have may, neuroscience, photography. If my family help me put time aside to pursue my interests then it keeps the depression at bay. Of course due to bills and stuff, I still have a day job in a city office which is absolute hell on earth, but we don't all have the luxury of isolating ourselves in a log cabin. If ever he says that he "can't work", then slap him and send him back immediately. We'll try it on if we can

5. I know his last gf, we were best friends at some point, and when I asked him that why did they break up, he said that because he just couldn't make himself love her. Then he said that he's never been in love. And the a-hole I am, I said that that's a little sad. I don't know how could I be so stupid. Well anyways, he then explained, that he had liked a person really really much, but not loved, and asked that isn't love something that comes with time. I tried to explain my own experiences. That sometimes you know quickly and sometimes it takes time. So how hard can love be for aspies? As a woman I of course instantly thought that great, now I just make him fall in love with me, but how slim are the chances of that really happening?

Well he was wrong . I once thought this, like I said I have 2 young boys and I don't do motherhood like everyone else does, you could say that I don't feel "love", my husband says that I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

But it's not that we don't feel. It's that we have absolute control over our emotions and a thick layer of logic.

When I gave birth to my 2nd child I had an allergic reaction to the anti-clotting mechanism and my heart rate approached 300 beats per minute. I was in a hospital bed having just given birth, I could hardly breathe, I couldn't move and the doctors were shaking their heads. They were getting ready to move me to intensive care. I could see my husband and he went white. Now most people would have been terrified, but the aspie brain works on logic. My logic said, well, I might die, but my newborn baby is helpless in the corner of the room. So I used my last remaining strength to yell at my husband! I manage to say "STAY ... WITH ... THE ... BABY". He said, no I'm coming with you, I'm here for you. I shook my head and left him behind. I eventually recovered but it was hard going.

So that for me is love, I would happily die for my children, they are the most important things in the world to me and there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect them and give them the best life I can. Do I tuck them in and kiss them at night? No. Do I "love" them? Well, not really sure because love just seems some woolly term that NTs use when they've watch too many Julia Roberts films. Make sense?

I don't think his ASD is as bad as they come. He has a lot of friends who he sees regularly, he loves to keep me close when we sleep and hugs me and stuff and understands when I say things ironically.

Well I wouldn't say "bad"! It's not a disease! Or contagious! I see it more as a personality type.

I know that I'm maybe thinking this way too much, but I am an analytical person and love facts, so I'm quite fascinated that I finally might be dating someone who has somekind of written instructions, since there are so many books and other reading about this subject. I appreciate all the answers, short and long.

Yes, by the book. Everyone here knows the manual by heart so you can always post specific instances and get an explanation here.

And at this point you are not overthinking, you are learning, which is a very sensible thing to do. Most of the time when people say "don't date an aspie" it is mostly through lack of understanding. They will say things like "he doesn't love me", but in actual fact he may indeed sacrifice himself just to see you smile, you just need to understand his version of "love".

Good luck!

 

[Streetwise]

 

[Lia]

Treat him like a person instead of a person with aspergers. I still think it's really important to learn about ASD, but since autism is such a wide and complex spectrum, you could spend years reading every book you can get your hands on and still never fully understand it.

Don't worry too much about reading about asperger traits, because he may not even fit the standard description. People with aspergers are just people, and we all have different personalities. For example, I am a very emotional and affectionate person, even though those are not the most common traits for autistic people.

I don't see why his ASD would keep you guys from making it work if you both want to be together!
He should definitely see someone for his depression though, as that will make any kind of relationship more difficult.
Also, stay away from those "never date someone with aspergers" forums. Those are written by bitter people who dated someone they weren't compatible with, and has little to do with autism at all.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

husband says that I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

What kind of teaspoon?

So I used my last remaining strength to yell at my husband! I manage to say "STAY ... WITH ... THE ... BABY"

Exactly what a teaspoon would say

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

For example, I am a very emotional and affectionate person, even though those are not the most common traits for autistic people.

So more like a tablespoon?

Or a ladle?

 

[John Parris]

Hi.
So I have been seeing this guy lately, I've known him for years and spent few drunken nights with him before. Then I got engaged and had a child with another man, but that ended really badly, and now we re-connected in another drunken adventure couple weeks ago. Since that he has been spending time (and nights) at my place, and we've been having wonderful time.
I live in a small town (in Finland, so if there are some spelling errors, then it's my stupid phone trying to write in finnish) and of course I have been seeing him sometimes over the few years since I got pregnant and we are friends, so I know him... I wouldn't say good, but somewhat good. So anyways, few weeks ago was the first time we saw in purpose and sober, and he asked me had I ever heard about aspergers. I said yes, but that I don't know that much about it. So he said that when he was a younger, he had been diagnosed with it. And I thought that ok, and asked that it doesen't go away right? You can't cure for that? (Those aren't my exact words. I don't remember what I said, something not that blunt.) And he didn't say much anything. And then I asked that aren't people with aspergers often really smart, and he said yes, sometimes. And that was our first conversation about this subject.
I think I could really fall for this guy. He's smart, calm, caring, no drama and sexy as hell, so now I've been searching info about aspergers and dating, and few questions have arised.
1. When a lot of the traits of an aspie (that's the term, right?) seem really great to me, like that you don't have to speak about your emotions all the time or play any stupid mindgames, then why are there so many threads on different forums titled "Never date a guy with aspergers" or something like that? What are the things that could go wrong? Or usually go wrong?
2. What can I do to make things go right?
3. As I said, we've had sex before when we where drunk, and it was great, at least the bits I can remember. So few nights ago we were doing it sober, and he was really nervous and stopped in the middle of doing stuff and asked if he could talk to me about something. I said of course he could talk to me about anything, and he said that he usually never has sex sober and isn't really used to do so. So I said that we're not in a hurry and that we can just go back to sleep, and I think it's really good that he just is here with me. Did I do the right thing? Or should I have just tried to continue? Is sex hard for the aspies, or can it be, or is this just some other personal trait? The 2y6mo sex killer was sleeping in her bed in the room, so can that be a factor also? Should I get a second bed in the living room? Actually I know the answer to the last two myself
4. He has talked a little about depression, and yesterday he said that he has been feeling a little blue lately. Of course my first thought was that what the F, we've been seeing a lot lately and you're getting depressed. What the F:ing F is this?!?! But then I remembered who he is, and now I'm thinking that should I ask more about this? Or just let it be and wait that he tells me more about it? How common is the depression with the aspies?
5. I know his last gf, we were best friends at some point, and when I asked him that why did they break up, he said that because he just couldn't make himself love her. Then he said that he's never been in love. And the a-hole I am, I said that that's a little sad. I don't know how could I be so stupid. Well anyways, he then explained, that he had liked a person really really much, but not loved, and asked that isn't love something that comes with time. I tried to explain my own experiences. That sometimes you know quickly and sometimes it takes time. So how hard can love be for aspies? As a woman I of course instantly thought that great, now I just make him fall in love with me, but how slim are the chances of that really happening?
I don't think his ASD is as bad as they come. He has a lot of friends who he sees regularly, he loves to keep me close when we sleep and hugs me and stuff and understands when I say things ironically. He's a delight to talk to and I really wish that this is gonna work. There are some things that make it obvious that he is on the spectrum, as they say. His face looks really blank often. Almost all of my friends thought that he's a doper who's always really f'd up. Even his own father sometimes thinks he's not sober. He gets really tired really easy (is this even ASD thing?) and likes to take naps and such. When he gets anxiety, he closes up. And he has a way to just blurt things out, but I don't mind. He said it used to be really much worse when he was younger, and people would get really mad at him. He was also bullied in school.
I know that I'm maybe thinking this way too much, but I am an analytical person and love facts, so I'm quite fascinated that I finally might be dating someone who has somekind of written instructions, since there are so many books and other reading about this subject. I appreciate all the answers, short and long.

Lots of good answers there (as always). I'll just talk about sex (that's about all I can do at 69!). I'm an Aspergers male for various reasons to do with anxiety and fearing upsetting or not pleasing my partner I'm NOT good at the male taking the lead approach. If it were me, you'd need to be the one to encourage and / or take the lead and to be clear and re-assuring about what you want. I'm eager to please and primarily I enjoy helping my partner to enjoy (in my case) herself.

Generally this applies to the relationship with me, an Aspergers male. We are worth it. But Jenny, my wife, the non-Aspergers person in the relationship takes on the lead role - the one normally thought of what the man does!

 

[AO1501]

3. As I said, we've had sex before when we where drunk, and it was great, at least the bits I can remember. So few nights ago we were doing it sober, and he was really nervous and stopped in the middle of doing stuff and asked if he could talk to me about something. I said of course he could talk to me about anything, and he said that he usually never has sex sober and isn't really used to do so. So I said that we're not in a hurry and that we can just go back to sleep, and I think it's really good that he just is here with me. Did I do the right thing? Or should I have just tried to continue? Is sex hard for the aspies, or can it be, or is this just some other personal trait?

For me, the issue with sex is intensity. What many Aspies suffer from is over-sensitivity, and for me, that means getting sensorily overloaded during sex. There's just too much happening, and no way in real time to process it. And that's why sex when drunk, or having had at least some alcohol can work much better, because the alcohol acts as a blocker to much of the sensory input.

The good news however is that it is also a familiarity question. Not you and your boyfriend being familiar to each other, but him becoming familiar with the sensations and sensory input, getting used to them. So it should be possible for the two of you to work his way into being more comfortable, and more able, to engage in sexual activity, simply by starting with sharing a bed, to holding and cuddling, then touching, slowing getting him acclimatised at each stage, before moving on to the next.

If you take your time, keep it simple, and don't try and push forward, that should work.

 

[Rich Gray]

[Added new stuff 05-10-2018] There are tenancies:

1. We have tenancies . . . I read a popular relationship book for relationships for folks with Asperger's Syndrome . . . wow . . . I did not have many of those bad behaviors . . . everyone has bad behaviors . . . but my bad behaviors were wildly different.
2. Teachers make for a good fit . . . they are bossy and are used to telling people how and what they want, and this is a very good thing for us (check with your guy to see if this is okay).
3. The guys with Asperger's Syndrome often end up with girls who are special education teachers . . . or those that fit that mold.
4. We will often not see the signals that comforting is needed. We will often need to be told, flat out. We may also need to be told the procedure for comforting you.
   
5. Boys with Asperger's Syndrome become more “boy-like” and girls also become more “boy-like” . . . it affects boys and girls at the macro level differently.
   
6. We (the men in the population) tend to be more “man-like” . . . not usually athletic, but other traits like being aggressive (not the same thing as violent) are expressed to a higher degree.
   
7. We (the men in the population) want to fix things, even when others do not want things fixed . . . more than most men. Sometimes a problem does not have a solution.
   
8. I am not at all violent, but I otherwise can be quite aggressive.
   
9. I would use violence to protect my family, perhaps to an increased degree. Several times in my life I went into a surreal out-of-body primal protection mode when I felt that my wife was in danger. If the threat escalated I would have killed the threat without blinking . . . not subdued . . . killed . . . pumped full of enough adrenalin to kill a horse. It is a surreal and interesting experience not to care about ones own safety, and want to protect someone at all costs.
   
10. We have difficulty with keeping cool when frustrated (not the same thing as angry . . . I can be frustrated by threading a needle, but I am not angry at it).
    
11. People have a difficult time understanding the difference between frustration and anger, and this is bad for us.
12. We have difficulty with fine motor control (although we can master it with practice . . . lots of scientist and artists in the population).
    
13. We like uniforms . . . not uniforms exactly, but wearing the same or similar things without having to make a choice. The top pair of pants on the pile, the left-most shirt in the closet . . . done.
    
14. Educated people tend to think that I am smarter than I am, and at times think that I know way more than I do (like doctors). Less educated people tend to think that I am stupid. It is interesting, surreal, and should be concerning to visit a doctor who thinks you speak doctor, and talks to you like you are a doctor. I will have to remember to mention this when I go to any doctor.
15. I can sometimes appear to be stupid. I do not interview well at all.
    
16. We have excellent vocabularies, and learn words above our age.
17. We require or perform much better with the written word (books, notes, checklists, directions, and the like).
18. We do not perform nearly as well following verbal directions.
19. We need the written word. I was reading below my level until I was 8 (at that age books are less used, there are lots of group activities, and note-taking is not yet used). By the time I was 14 I was reading as if I was a university student. This was both good and bad. I sat there and was given a diploma, and did not really learn how to learn.
20. We use words precisely.
21. We need to translate non-literal to literal . . . it is like we speak another language. Sometimes we get the translation wrong.
    
22. I can become frustrated if I ask someone a question multiple times and they do not answer the question that I asked . . . I would be a horrible reporter.
23. Yesterday I attempted to ask a lady a question expecting a yes/no answer, explained to her that I would be asking her ~10 yes/no questions in a row, and 2.5-minites later I did not get any yes, or any no. It was infuriating.
    
24. We LIKE being corrected (with actual corrections) on word usage and learning in general.
    
25. We find comfort in being overly polite and formal (especially with strangers in a social setting like a party). That way we don't screw something up.
    
26. We debate and argue with people we respect . . . it is not worth the effort to care and/or argue with folks that you do not respect (unless one is board).
    
27. We have difficulty reading body language.
28. We have difficulty reading facial expressions.
    
29. We have difficulty in social situations.
    
30. We have difficulty in saying the socially acceptable thing (I once told my wife that her underwear looked comfortable . . . this statement was truly meant as a compliment of the highest sort).
31. We have difficulty with small talk.
    
32. We have difficulty with two-sided conversations.
    
33. We express body language that is off.
    
34. We are not comfortable with eye contact.
35. We can FREAK THE CRAP out of people who heavily rely on reading body language . . . they don’t know what to do and/or tend to think that we are up to no good.
    
36. Social situations can be more tiring than average.
    
37. Some of us have a chameleon like ability to appear neurotypical (especially many of the girls in the population . . . they are HARD to find . . . one girl archetype is being an aggressive tom-boy, and that is not all that that unusual).
    
38. Using this chameleon-like ability is almost always subconscious, and is draining.
39. Learning to turn off the chameleon-like ability is really cool, and is also hard to do.
    
40. In dating . . . we tend to not see the value of playing flirting games, and tend to be direct.
    
41. Some people really like those flirting games, but we will often not notice that one has been initiated.
    
42. I have accidentally asked out women on multiple occasions, only to show up to the date with a date . . . so many slashed tires.
    
43. We think . . . a lot.
44. We think differently.
45. We think literally . . . if you told me to go north, then I will go north . . . not along a winding path that begins north-ish and ends non-north-ish.
    
46. We think way over on the logic side of the logic/feelings spectrum (we are likely to not buy a car based on how its color makes us feel, for example).
    
47. We can be baffled and/or infuriated by folks who think way over on the feelings side of the logic/feelings spectrum.
    
48. Folks on the extreme sides of the logic/feelings spectrum can REALLY annoy each other.
    
49. We can think about one thing a lot longer than most.
    
50. We can have a one track mind (my mother would say that my needle was stuck).
    
51. We can seem paranoid . . . I think about possibilities constantly, and most people do not evidently do this as part of their natural thinking. As a result folks can think that I am concerned over a possibility when I am not. It is best not to tell most people my stream of thought. It was shocking to me to learn that people did not do this.
52. We approach problems from different angles. Often when I express a displeasure at a procedure, rule, or law people think that I do not understand the procedure, rule, or law.
    
53. We tend to assume that people know things. I tend to think that others know more than they do, see the same connecting dots that I do, or are smarter than they are (I try to assume that folks know things or have figured out things, but I need to verify that they see the logic that I do).
54. Sometimes we miss the connecting dots that others would have seen.
    
55. We often need to do something to not think . . . it is crazy tiring.
    
56. We can be lonely as most people do not think like we do.
    
57. I think that the vast majority of us have empathy (the caring about the feelings of others part of the concept), but we tend to struggle with reading the body language that hints at the feelings of others . . . we can also say something true, but uncouth.
58. I heard a story on NPR (US talk and news radio) about a woman with Asperger's Syndrome who did not have empathy. I am rather sure that this is what a sociopath is, and do not think that is a common combination. I was very confused when she equated being a sociopath to having Asperger's Syndrome.
    
59. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, so let me preface this: there are differing types of intelligence, and many of them are correlated. Skill virtually always beats IQ. An average IQ surgeon is a surgeon! I would not let the smartest person in the world operate on me, if they were not a surgeon. IQ’s are not the end all and be all.
    
60. We have the in-vogue intelligence . . . IQ . . . figuring out logical problems tends to be a strong-suit of ours.
61. Being super logical is good for math, science, engineering, computer programing and so on.
62. It can suck having a high IQ.
63. People with high IQs tend to be open . . . I know not being open and honest is just too much dammed work.
    
64. People with high IQs tend to be lonely, and have less friends.
65. People with high IQs tend to loose their virginity later in life.
    
66. People with high IQs tend to get frustrated at foreseeing the logical flawed outcomes of a something like a work procedure . . . and be ignored . . . over and over again.
    
67. People with lower IQs navigate the world with a (much?) higher ease than we do.
68. We tend to earn less than folks with equal IQ's . . . some folks do well with engineering and the like, but most of the time our coworkers and bosses don't like being told they are wrong and how.
69. We often tell people what we think . . . not always the best thing to do at work.
70. If it were possible to have my IQ and not have Asperger's Syndrome, then I would likely be crazy wealthy . . . well likely at least at the doctor-ish income/wealth level.

 

[Oodee]

Thank you for all the answers. So some things have gone good and other things have gone bad. Good things are that we're officially dating at this point and when we are together, things are great. The bad thing is mostly the fact, that he drinks when he's not here and of course it makes me worry about the future, since I have a little kid. Is this common thing, the drinking? He has talked a lot about how he feels like no one really understands him and that makes him so sad, and I feel ****** since I don't really know what to say, so I just always say that I want to and try to understand, if he just talks to me.
Things related to sex have improved a lot, since I straight up told him that I don't mind if he's nervous and can't maybe always perform as good, because his head gets in the way, and that all I expect is that if he wants me, then he needs to show it to me somehow. There is lots more ways than just "penising" and I very explicitly reminded him about that. And aren't I glad I did...
Actually there is a specific reason besides the thanking you-part and else, that made me write this right now, and it is quite big one. So I said to him yesterday, that I can't be with someone who is f'd up every other day and when I heard that he got drunk today I was less than pleased about that. We talked on the phone and he said that he wants to change because of me, because he thinks that he could love me someday, or more precisely he thinks he already does love me.
This is really big deal. Like really f-ing huge. And I'm just thinking that why did he say something like that now..? The could love-part is something he has said before when he was all sober. But is that other part just the booze and fear of losing me talking? Well, I guess I find out tomorrow, since he promised to come here all sober... I would be wondering this same thing even if he wasn't an aspie, so I don't really even expect answers, I think I just needed to write things down. Thanks for listening

 

[Bella Pines]

Is this common thing, the drinking?

Speaking for myself and the aspies I know in real life, I would say no. However there is an addictive nature inside, I have been addicted to diet vanilla coke, chewing gum, coffee, and some tv programmes. It's part of our black/white, all or nothing personalities.

Because I recognised this quite early on and and (now) have a loving family who support me, I have managed to avoid any harmful addictions and don't drink or do drugs, prescription or other wise. Though the caffeine addiction crept up on me!

So yes his aspieness may have driven him to it, but the problem itself isn't an aspie one and needs to be handled outside the autistic framework. I'd recommend tackling it sooner rather than later with professional help, support groups or something. But like all things, easier said than done

Regarding the love part, you are NTing it to death. Quite simply, he feels love for you and said it. We really are that simple.

 

[AO1501]

....We talked on the phone and he said that he wants to change because of me, because he thinks that he could love me someday, or more precisely he thinks he already does love me.
This is really big deal. Like really f-ing huge. And I'm just thinking that why did he say something like that now..? The could love-part is something he has said before when he was all sober. But is that other part just the booze and fear of losing me talking? Well, I guess I find out tomorrow, since he promised to come here all sober... I would be wondering this same thing even if he wasn't an aspie, so I don't really even expect answers, I think I just needed to write things down. Thanks for listening

Bella is absolutely right, he said it, so he means it. He may not entirely know how to process the feelings he has so he may not be sure, as it totally certain, but if he said he thinks he already does love you, then he does. That's why it matters that this is an Aspie talking to you, because he will say exactly what he means, when NTs often don't. So stop trying to figure it out, and just listen to him.

In terms of the alcohol, it's an easy bad habit to get into, and a hard one to then escape. You may be able to help by nudging him towards turning getting off the drink into an interest for him, or even an obsession - life with you when he's dry being so much better to experience and more thoroughly remember.