Keeping it a secret

[Jared Jacobson]

Does anyone with this condition have advice how to come to terms with not making friends or romantic relationships. I’ve learned recently that I am not only an aspergarian, but also an alcoholic though I have been sober for a week now. these are two things I don’t wish to share with anyone outside of professionals because not only do I think people would use it as a weapon, but red flags like this would surely send people running.

 

[Au Naturel]

These are indeed things I would not share with anyone who did not have a need to know. Someone you are serious about has a need to know.

By themselves they should not send a legit romantic interest running. It is the behavior attached to them that might send some people running. That behavior will happen whether you tell them your secrets or not. Knowledge helps them understand what is going on.

I would not keep it a secret from anyone I was serious about and I would not tell anyone I wasn't serious about. I wouldn't dump it on them in an epic confession nor would I use it as an excuse for bad behavior. Just matter-of-factly say, "You know, I have a few personality quirks. And I really do need to stay away from the liquor."

You've been sober for a week. Unless they are in treatment, most alcoholics can't do that.

 

[SusanLR]

A need to know basis only is the way I do it.
Can't help on the serious romantic side. I never wanted too serious of a relationship.
No marriage, living together and never had the want to have children.

The addiction to drink is not an easy thing, but, it can be done.
I've known a few people who have made it. Wish you the best in all these endeavors.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Does anyone with this condition have advice how to come to terms with not making friends or romantic relationships. I’ve learned recently that I am not only an aspergarian, but also an alcoholic though I have been sober for a week now. these are two things I don’t wish to share with anyone outside of professionals because not only do I think people would use it as a weapon, but red flags like this would surly send people running.

How to come to terms with it? For myself,...educating myself,...creating a sense of understanding and acceptance. I now know that these things are rooted in the neurobiology of my brain,...and it's not that I am a "failure". The lack of cognitive empathy is due to autism's effect upon the limbic system and a Brodeman's areas 10 and 11 in the frontal lobe. The lack of interpersonal bonding is due to autism's effect upon the cerebellum, hypothalamus, and posterior pituitary. The alcoholism is often a form of "self-medication" due to low dopamine and serotonin.

As an autistic person, I cannot measure my life by neurotypical standards. I should not be putting a lot of mental energy and thought into trying to be something I am not. That said, there are times when I am very aware, sometimes envious, sometimes even depressed that I am not able to have "normal" relationships with people,...but I cannot dwell on things I don't have much control over.

As far as sharing your diagnosis and/or your life experience with others,...I am very selective. There are specific people who should know. The others,...even when I did tell them,...didn't change their opinion of me,...I literally had more than one person say, "OK", and didn't want to discuss it.

 

[Booknerd515]

I know how to not make friends or have romantic relationships with others because for most of my life I didn't have in real life friends and I still don't apart from my close family. If you make excuses not wanting to communicate with people (or saying you're busy with something) for over a certain time it's not that hard. I've found for me that reading books/saying I was busy reading helped a lot for coming to terms with that when I was in younger. Also if I have my face near a book while reading it in public most won't want to interact with me anyway.

My dad drinks frequently (I never have and don't plan to) and I can confirm there is sometimes a very negative association with alcohol. I have even been judged at restaurants by others just for sitting near my dad even when I looked like a kid while he's drinking because I'm in the same family. By judged I mean I've been given really hateful looks from strangers. So you have my sympathy as I'm glad you've stayed sober for a week. I personally don't mind people drinking as some use it for a coping mechanism which is alright as long as they drink in moderation and should they find themselves not drinking in moderation be aware that they are not.

As someone with autism, not everyone I've met is aware that I have autism or I may even have to remind them that I have autism after I have met them. Some people I've encountered haven't ever heard of what autism or aspberger's is. I've found-the nice people at least-are alright enough being distanced from you like that and it's only the not nice people that try to get closer/be friends with you once you've told them that you specifically don't want to be friends with them. I hope things get better for you later on though.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Does anyone with this condition have advice how to come to terms with not making friends or romantic relationships. I’ve learned recently that I am not only an aspergarian, but also an alcoholic though I have been sober for a week now. these are two things I don’t wish to share with anyone outside of professionals because not only do I think people would use it as a weapon, but red flags like this would surly send people running.

i do.go for a girl or woman who have this condition (i have it),besides the girls or women who will love you for you,regardless of it.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m in a long term relationship with an alcoholic that I very much suspect is on the autism spectrum as well. I myself am on the spectrum and have an addictive personality, although I don’t have any active addictions at the moment. Both conditions don’t mean you can’t have relationships, but it takes a lot of hard work.

The mere fact that you are aware of being on the spectrum and dealing with alcoholism and are openly admitting this to yourself are a great first step. You don’t need to be open to the rest of the world about this, as long as you’re honest to yourself.

And as the partner of an alcoholic that is really deep in the clutches of alcoholism, I say congratulations for being sober for a week! Now is a great time to get help with breaking your unhealthy relationship with alcohol. If you haven’t already, I suggest looking into online resources to help you deal with the addiction. Many countries offer free online programs that help you identify triggers and relapse risks. It may not be enough for everyone that’s dealing with addiction, but it’s a nice first step that can be done completely anonymous from the comfort of your own home. If it sounds like I’m trying to sell this to you, that’s just because I’m trying to get my partner to take a look at one of these

Best of luck with everything.

 

[Bolletje]

By themselves they should not send a legit romantic interest running. It is the behavior attached to them that might send some people running. That behavior will happen whether you tell them your secrets or not. Knowledge helps them understand what is going on.

You are so right. I don’t consider the fact that my partner has alcoholism to be the issue. The issue is the lying, gaslighting and flakiness that come with the drinking.

 

[VictorR]

It'll be more challenging but if there's one thing aspies are good it, is being driven in what they do

 

[Amphilyke]

Hiding my alcoholism puts me in danger of being triggered. It's also just very stressful every time I have to turn down a drink. Easier to just tell people and let them judge you. If that's the choice they make then **** 'em if they can't take a joke. As for telling people I'm autistic it doesn't really seem to do anything socially. Either they'll treat me like **** or they won't. Can't make people not be assholes. I wouldn't tell an employer or a coworker, but those aren't personal relationships.

 

[Gracey]

It'll be more challenging but if there's one thing aspies are good it, is being driven in what they do

That can work both ways
Stalwart drinker or stalwart ex drinker.
Using the same obsessive type drive to do either.

A full week of staying off the booze might be an example of such.

 

[Bolletje]

I do hope you manage to ge treatment for the alcoholism. My boyfriend just got admitted into the hospital with alcoholic encephalopathy. They don’t even know yet if he has permanent brain damage. Alcohol is dangerous stuff