Keeping jobs and self sufficiency

[Gmom]

Hi - I so wish I culd be of help to my son "G" soon to be 31. He lives in MD & stays with his father and step mom right now. Im in FL and can only help from afar. in High School he received official Aspergers diagnosis. He's got a part time job in DC and is actively looking for a 2nd job.

His degree is in Graphic Art, but hes never had a graphics art position, which is what he tends to be applying for. Both his Dad and I feel he could use guidance and help in his application process, especially for varied art positions (something outside the box would be GREAT) but he is not comfortable with being helped. He also is not on board with the urgency of his self sufficiency, as he cannot stay at his Dads too much longer. It has been 2 months now.

We both assist him financially - with everything - and he seems to have no urgency to take over. He doesnt want just any job so to at least cover his expenses while he continues looking. I believe it is very difficult for him to work full time and job search as well. He needs down time. I apologize for my long windedness - - but this is only one of his difficulties socially.

Are there recommended websites or groups perhaps to assist him in how to handle the world productively?? There is a fine line between helping him and enabling him I am aware. But I just feel so helpless. Im sure he can use assistance with coping and with productivity.

G is extremely creative and intelligent and he is limiting himself by being disagreeable in many ways. He has quite a great personality (he could be a comedian) and is quite pleasant - - but "He" knows everthing and is not too keen on assistance (other than financial) from us or anyone much.

It would be helpful for him to have someone to go to and learn from who knows Aspergers - - but he would not go.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Despite my feelings about my parents, they worked to ensure that I was prepared to be self sufficient when I wanted to be; budgeting, cooking, housekeeping, saving/investing, the cost of leverage. Once entering grad school, I was on my own and lived independently. By doing that I also learned to reclaim my agency and advocate for myself. It was hard but worthwhile, and all this done while I was undiagnosed.

As long as you are financially supporting your son he is learning dependency and is not serious about independence, much less learning to budget on his salary and other aspects of having work that is paying the bills. All the help in the world is not going to teach him independence when he has learned to be dependent on infusions of cash. He is too old to still be breastfed. Cut him off in the near future (a couple of months), have some spine and when the time is up, YOU enjoy your improved cashflow and cut him off, including rent-free housing.

 

[VictorR]

Hi and welcome!

I'm sure some of our members who are familiar resources in your area will chime in later (off hand, the DC-headquartered Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) might be able to make some suggestions as well), but here's some random thoughts and questions:

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It sounds like he's happy with where things are right now and I note that you mention he's living with another family member and being financially supported.

Has he ever lived with any level of independence - like living in a college dorm, and being responsible for paying bills, getting and responsibly using a credit card, bank loan, etc.?

While part of being on the spectrum is needing supports, we won't be around forever to provide said support for our loved ones, and it's nice to help them with understanding how to handle their own affairs, or at least to recognize where they need help due to being overwhelmed etc.

As for his upcoming eviction - is he fully aware that he needs to leave in the near future? Are you or is someone else able to provide guidance with finding housing, and if he can move somewhere else soon, is there the possibility he could still visit his father and step-mother when he wishes, for a period, to provide a transitional period so he's not suddenly all on his own?

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It sounds like he takes pride in his work and that's why he may be reluctant to accept work that he deems to be below him. What else does he take pride in? Is there some way that you could work financial independence into that, so that he might be motivated to be more financially independent? Maybe the prospect of money for hobbies or interests may motivate them to seek and accept additional work?

Given his field is graphic art, freelance work would be a very real possibility. Does he have sample work that he could upload to a portfolio page?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

freelance work would be a very real possibility.

For somebody who can't even be independent? Not likely. I have done freelancing pharma work between jobs, and one must sell themselves, and with a record of achievement, negotiate, handle; scheduling, deliverables, and billable hours.

 

[1ForAll]

I wish I had some answers there. I just know there is a reason why a big percentage of those on the Spectrum are not living independently. It is not as easy to do for many with Autism, when compared to neurotypicals, because those with such conditions are wired differently, and as performing certain important or many daily living activities at the needed timing, ways, or frequencies can be extremely challenging because of hyperfocuses elsewhere, sensory issues, any motor difficulties, executive function issues, social limitations, cognitive or language understanding issues, and so on.

You sound well meaning, and seem to want the best for your adult child, but I am not sure what that would be at this point as I am not sure of his capabilities, and as I am not sure what you as parents tried with him prior to his adulthood and his attitude or functioning ability there then. I mean, for our oldest son who is age twelve, we have had him each year since age eight help more inside and outside the home, doing small things by himself (supervision if needed) with regular, age appropriate duties. We never wanted to wait until he was age eighteen, but slowly to get him used to duties regularly he'd have to do if he were living alone.

If any of the duties he has difficulties with, we give some direction and/or space there, and we do not require things be done perfectly, but just reasonably, if we feel he has the ability to do such. Sometimes we will give him choices too, so he feels a part of the decision making, realizing one day he could be in a better mood to do this or that, and as once he is older we feel he'll have to make important decisions. And we will also communicate to him in logical ways, ways that he will more understand and be motivated to act than had we resorted to emotion. Overall, we are going step-by-step with him, and doing in a way he can feel proud of those things he is doing.

For your situation, I just know it is never too late to try these things, and to research how best to make your child as independent as possible, but realizing in many cases we will need to either lower our expectations or to raise them, as each Autistic person is different, in terms of what they crave for, can handle, or desire, as so many issues are involved that can make some things easier to do, and some or many things harder, or in which in some cases they can work through and manage somehow, with assistance along the way. There has so be independent living centers for those with Autism, and you will likely hear both success stories there but not so much help.

All you can do is try various paths to see what your son will be capable of. However, just because one is Autistic though that does not mean one cannot take advantage of the situation, so I realize that, too, if you had attempted to have him do some of these things and his attitude still was/is such he does not seem to want to put any efforts there or see the importance of it. But, again, that may or not be for instance executive function related. It's hard to say as I am not there, and as I am unsure of his limitations in terms of doing household and public things. I just know for many Autistics doing at least some daily living things in an independent way can be very hard, so I would lean towards assuming that, but I balance that with, yes, let's not assume that though either.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Sadly, I can't be of much help when it comes to practical matters as I don't live in the US, but I can tell you that being frustratingly stubborn and wanting independence from others' "meddling" is very common among autistic people. I have frequently been completely boneheaded and hurt or caused problems with people around me with my behaviour.

What I would recommend here, is to be very clear about what effect his situation is having on you and other members of the family. I don't mean to guilt trip him (which can cause a lot of stress), but mainly to explicitly give him information which might be very obvious to you, and that helping him would make you feel better yourself and could be educational for him. If he still refuses, well, he is technically an adult, and I don't think banging your head against a wall is going to do you much good. As @1ForAll mentioned, every autistic person is different so my advice may or may not be applicable.

I wish you all the best.

 

[VictorR]

For somebody who can't even be independent? Not likely. I have done freelancing pharma work between jobs, and one must sell themselves, and with a record of achievement, negotiate, handle; scheduling, deliverables, and billable hours.

Sorry - I should have been more specific. I was thinking more along the lines of art commissions (flat rate work with various price points for size and complexity of work) rather than consultant type work.

That being stated, when I was in academia a decade ago I recall we (university senate) had a discussion on creating a mandatory "business basics for art" course for our art diploma and BFA programs to help ensure that graduates were not just able to create art, but to also have an understanding about selling art as well.

 

[RotanotNino]

Something I suggested to younger aspies* many years ago that none took serious was an apprenticeship in a construction union, especially the IBEW or UA as those have the best pay and conditions. But if your son doesn't want to listen to suggestions I doubt he'll care for this one. As for down time, actually getting ahead in any job is not likely to happen on a part time basis.
IBEW 26 starts Period 1 apprentices at 45% of Journeyman scale which is currently $22.95 an hour. www.jatc26.org//wiremanprogram.cfm
UA Local 10 will have a similar program for Pipefitters, Plumbers etc but that's not my union so you can search it their website if interested. ualocal10.com

*To be fair to the young aspies most non aspies also avoid union apprenticeships.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Something I suggested to younger aspies* many years ago that none took serious was an apprenticeship in a construction union, especially the IBEW or UA as those have the best pay and conditions. But if your son doesn't want to listen to suggestions I doubt he'll care for this one. As for down time, actually getting ahead in any job is not likely to happen on a part time basis.
IBEW 26 starts Period 1 apprentices at 45% of Journeyman scale which is currently $22.95 an hour. www.jatc26.org//wiremanprogram.cfm
UA Local 10 will have a similar program for Pipefitters, Plumbers etc but that's not my union so you can search it their website if interested. ualocal10.com

*To be fair to the young aspies most non aspies also avoid union apprenticeships.

Well, duh, I shoulda' thought of that. A friend's son was an IBEW apprentice, a journeyman now. His local had them earn while they learn and he learned more with them than he did at school. Skilled trades are always in demand and the education is free. What are severely limited are machinists; tool and die makers. But that is a magnitude different from trades. A lot of people are busy talking about re-shoring manufacturing, and that will require Technical designers as well as lots of bespoke tooling.

I was fortunate to learm much about basic design nomenclature from a retired Technical Designer from Argonne National Laboratories back when I was designing nuclear chemistry processes.

 

[Thinx]

Given that he's 30, this is indeed tough for you to help with. Will his part time work pay his bills in independent accommodation? When you say you both financially support him, do you mean his job doesn't even pay enough for him to buy basics? What financial support does he need other than board and lodging if living at home and working part time? Should he not be contributing a little rent? Can he get some appropriate accommodation perhaps?

It's maybe a bit late to easily get over to him these realities if he doesn't understand or see any of this for himself. Perhaps sit down with him, work out a plan, with tasks that he can have support with. Bearing in mind the short period to help ending, which he may not have believed is a real deadline?

 

[AprilR]

He probably doesn't want to face some things since he is afraid of feeling worthless. Maybe talking to a job coach or someone else who is objective can make him see a different perspective. Since you won't always be around to financially support him

. I was in my 20s when i started panicking about the future and how i will hold on, i wish i could talk to your son as another autistic person who went through similar things. I have a job now, although bc of the economy where i live it's not enough for me to be self sufficient.

 

[Crossbreed]

When I settled for jobs that I was not cut out for,

1. I performed poorly at them and
2. it pushed my résumé in the wrong direction...

Instead of a reputation as creative (Navy-trained) tech/programmer,

I had a reputation as a bad (too slow) dish washer...! ​

 

[RotanotNino]

When I settled for jobs that I was not cut out for,

1. I performed poorly at them and
2. it pushed my résumé in the wrong direction...

Instead of a reputation as creative (Navy-trained) tech/programmer,

I had a reputation as a bad (too slow) dish washer...! ​

USN A school, and the training that followed, made the less pleasant parts worthwhile. What was your Rating? AE3 here. Captain awarded me reduction to AEAN just before 2nd class test.

 

[Crossbreed]

What was your Rating?

I was FTM3 until I got demoted just prior to my discharge.

(I was the top of my A school class. I was discharged for my [not-yet-diagnosed] autistic lack of social skills.)

 

[Aspychata]

This post just hit home. I struggled with jobs however l waa great with repetition in certain jobs. I made poor job choices but maybe that's all l could handle at the time and l did budget and live check to check. Kept a roof over my head and stayed independent from a very early age.

This seems tough because the son isn't actively working. Perhaps finding housing, then checking social services for training and job opportunities, while he waits for his chosen field of work to materialize. He can still apply and work in areas related to graphic design such as public relations, non-profit places, etc.

He has to start working at anything or you are going to support him forever. To some extent we have gone thru this with my daughter. My ex has paid rent, and other things. She doesn't always have initiative or motivation to get the ball rolling. Not sure if this is cognitive or a general disinterest or what. She finally received a job offer but we aren't sure if she can complete college and work full-time, l know l couldn't pull it off because l tried.

 

[Judge]

Instead of a reputation as creative (Navy-trained) tech/programmer,

I had a reputation as a bad (too slow) dish washer...! ​

Uncle Sam strikes again.

My cousin was a talented automobile mechanic. As a draftee they made him an infantryman instead.

He was never was the same kid after a tour in Viet Nam.

 

[Storm Hess]

Hi - I so wish I culd be of help to my son "G" soon to be 31. He lives in MD & stays with his father and step mom right now. Im in FL and can only help from afar. in High School he received official Aspergers diagnosis. He's got a part time job in DC and is actively looking for a 2nd job.

His degree is in Graphic Art, but hes never had a graphics art position, which is what he tends to be applying for. Both his Dad and I feel he could use guidance and help in his application process, especially for varied art positions (something outside the box would be GREAT) but he is not comfortable with being helped. He also is not on board with the urgency of his self sufficiency, as he cannot stay at his Dads too much longer. It has been 2 months now.

We both assist him financially - with everything - and he seems to have no urgency to take over. He doesnt want just any job so to at least cover his expenses while he continues looking. I believe it is very difficult for him to work full time and job search as well. He needs down time. I apologize for my long windedness - - but this is only one of his difficulties socially.

Are there recommended websites or groups perhaps to assist him in how to handle the world productively?? There is a fine line between helping him and enabling him I am aware. But I just feel so helpless. Im sure he can use assistance with coping and with productivity.

G is extremely creative and intelligent and he is limiting himself by being disagreeable in many ways. He has quite a great personality (he could be a comedian) and is quite pleasant - - but "He" knows everthing and is not too keen on assistance (other than financial) from us or anyone much.

It would be helpful for him to have someone to go to and learn from who knows Aspergers - - but he would not go.

I can tell you how many different things work, but I am clueless at where to start and how to move forward in a business. I am capable to upload music, sell designs online, join bug bounties( cyber security stuff ), program and pentest ( cyber security ) a server. I couldn't, for the life of me, start a company for any one of those interests. Maybe he has no urgency because he may be incapable? My wife has to read and fill out forms for me because I get completely overwhelmed in doing so. It took me a few times to read through your post without walking away.

My parents insist there is "nothing wrong" and that me being homeless would probably be the motivation that I need to be financially independent.

I can create ideas, write them down in detail and then leave them because I can't figure out how to move forward.

 

[Crossbreed]

Uncle Sam strikes again.

Uncle Sam did not make me a dish washer. That was the only kind of work that was readily available after my discharge.*

*General, under honorable conditions.

 

[Judge]

Uncle Sam did not make me a dish washer. That was the only kind of work that was readily available after my discharge.*

*General, under honorable conditions.

Were you given a SPN Code attached to your discharge?

I know years ago those SPN's could unfairly put veterans in an awkward position with potential employers depending on one's code number which could be easily accessed. A process that was eventually discontinued by the DoD some time ago.

Separation Program Numbers (SPN Codes)

 

[Crossbreed]

Were you given a SPN Code attached to your discharge?

I know years ago those SPN's could unfairly put veterans in an awkward position with potential employers depending on one's code number which could be easily accessed. A process that was eventually discontinued by the DoD some time ago.

Separation Program Numbers (SPN Codes)

I do not remember such a code. I cannot find my long form discharge, but I believe that it had a code that I may not reenlist.