Knowing when people don't want to talk about stuff...

[Axeman52]

Hi

The reason why I'm posting this thread is because yesterday a sound engineer/gear tech that I work with mentioned that I keep on sending him excessive amounts of information about technical details of my guitar amps and things on facebook that I thought would be useful to him, at what he considers to be really inconvenient times.

The thing is, he never ever mentioned this to me while I was discussing these things with him on facebook. I remember him saying "I can't really help you with that, I would need to do a lot of research first" about negative feedback loops in Fender amps and thought it would be helpful to send him links to helpful information on the subject, but I discovered yesterday that what he actually meant was "I don't want to hear about this right now, please stop talking about it".

As far as I understand, he was just being polite because maybe he considers it 'rude' to tell people to stop talking about stuff, and he said he's not actually getting annoyed about it as such, I think his issue with it was that I give too much information in one go and usually while he's busy doing other things (he could've told me he was doing something else at the time), but I know people have a limited patience and I don't want to destroy our working relationship by getting it to the point where he does start getting annoyed by me.

But this is problematic - How am I supposed to know if people aren't interested in what I'm saying if they don't tell me? and how am I supposed to know it's an inconvenient time if they don't tell me? It's not as if I was sending messages at 3am.

 

[SyAn]

Yep, and welcome to the Aspie World.
It's about not being able to interpret clues in the same way that NTs automatically can. We don't understand ambiguity, try to prevent it by providing ample detail . . .

My experience is though that I am sometimes perceived as enigmatic by others as they appear to me - not that it's any consolation.

Like I said in another thread: "I'm not a mind-reader. You're not a mind-reader. So let's talk."

 

[Ereth]

But this is problematic - How am I supposed to know if people aren't interested in what I'm saying if they don't tell me? and how am I supposed to know it's an inconvenient time if they don't tell me? It's not as if I was sending messages at 3am.

This is where trial and error tends to come into play. If you notice you're the only one talking or sending texts for a long enough span of time, chances are you should take a breath and let the other person contribute to the conversation. I am fortunate enough to live with people who alert each other to monopolized conversations, but you may still need to practice letting go of the reins, so to speak, if you want to hone your "I'm talking too much" senses.

 

[Ylva]

I have taken to taking all forms of rejection as "no". "Not now", "Later", "I don't have time right now", "Can I get back to you on that?", "I have other plans". They all mean "Not interested, now or ever" to me. Why waste my time looking for exceptions to this rule? They are too rare.

 

[Jambo_nick]

Hi

The reason why I'm posting this thread is because yesterday a sound engineer/gear tech that I work with mentioned that I keep on sending him excessive amounts of information about technical details of my guitar amps and things on facebook that I thought would be useful to him, at what he considers to be really inconvenient times.

The thing is, he never ever mentioned this to me while I was discussing these things with him on facebook. I remember him saying "I can't really help you with that, I would need to do a lot of research first" about negative feedback loops in Fender amps and thought it would be helpful to send him links to helpful information on the subject, but I discovered yesterday that what he actually meant was "I don't want to hear about this right now, please stop talking about it".

As far as I understand, he was just being polite because maybe he considers it 'rude' to tell people to stop talking about stuff, and he said he's not actually getting annoyed about it as such, I think his issue with it was that I give too much information in one go and usually while he's busy doing other things (he could've told me he was doing something else at the time), but I know people have a limited patience and I don't want to destroy our working relationship by getting it to the point where he does start getting annoyed by me.

But this is problematic - How am I supposed to know if people aren't interested in what I'm saying if they don't tell me? and how am I supposed to know it's an inconvenient time if they don't tell me? It's not as if I was sending messages at 3am.

Sounds like your moving on the right track so far! The problem here is the boundary between work and personal life. Sounds like when your colleague goes home he wants to forget work to try and relax. Try and keep your work questions and advice to work hours. I always say there's a time and a place to discuss certain topics!

 

[atrocityexhibition]

I've cultivated a strategy of playing hard-to-get. Give them a little bit of conversation and see what their reactions are. It's all about enthusiasm, which is something that is kind of different from facial expressions or other subtler cues. If they seem enthusiastic after a little taste of the conversation--like excited to be there with you and talking--carry on. Otherwise, be super cautious. I think that might be a better way to reframe it for us ASD peeps. It's worked better for me than going just by facial expressions.

 

[Axeman52]

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I think I have given the impression that this is a new experience to me - Not really, this has been a thing I've always struggled with, but I thought I was getting better at knowing when people aren't interested, but apparently I still have some work to do. The thing I'm having difficulty with is when people act like they are interested, when they are actually not.

For what it's worth, I think this guy does realise I have difficulty with these things. I think his specific objection was the amount of information I was giving him, he said he would sometimes wake up in the night and check his phone and see new messages linking to schematics, videos and articles that explain negative feedback loops. I only did it because he led me to believe he was interested in learning about it! It was kind of helpful for him to say something (hopefully) before he got too annoyed about it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

The person has to tell you or if they don't send anything back after you send them several things, then I get the point.

Case in point - my algebra teacher. I sent emails asking him to tell me if he didn't want me to keep sending emails and he never did. He even sent a friendly email every now and then. However, at the end I said it was kinda strange me sending emails pretty much one way so I stopped.

My point, NT's have this problem too in NT Land.

 

[Kari Suttle]

F*** yes i do that all the time, even at work! I have to constantly remind myself to just answer them with as simple, as short, of an answer as possible. To keep it short and sweet, so to say, because they rarely want to hear whatever answer or explanation i would want to give them right off the bat. I usually never realize this until after i've talked.

 

[SameStars]

I'll usually translate the vague answers to never also. In some situations, I will ask the person to be more specific about a convenient moment.

 

[Ereth]

I have taken to taking all forms of rejection as "no". "Not now", "Later", "I don't have time right now", "Can I get back to you on that?", "I have other plans". They all mean "Not interested, now or ever" to me. Why waste my time looking for exceptions to this rule? They are too rare.

I think you're suffering from a bit of tunnel vision. These phrases certainly can mean what you say they mean, but it's important to consider to whom you're speaking and for what reason. The idea of no meaning "No, forever" only makes sense in a vacuum.

 

[Etzelaire]

I think if I always talked about things I'm interested in no one would be wanting to hear me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Body language for that is fairly simple. They kind of look away or fidget, or give you a flat stare without as many smiles or a frozen smile that doesn't make the bottom of their eyelids go up. And they do kind of give vague answers, or stop talking, or keep trying to change the subject.

atrocityexhibition has a good method. By baiting them like that, you can tell easily if somebody is interested in the subject usually by the questions they start asking in response.

 

[Maelstrom]

the longer the conversation pauses the more dangerous ground you are on....red flag red flag
Mael apparently has some Sanish blood hidden somewhere...red flag snort!..paw! paw!
Learning to be mentally watching for red flags and drop a subject is important! but difficult for aspies.