I used to love writing critical film reviews. Now I just feel like sitting on my couch, being anti-productive, watching trashy TV or playing brainless video games.
Quality video games are another thing I lost motivation with. Instead, I play sudoku.
I wish I had motivation to build myself up some more in my sobriety. I feel like a dry drunk. I am not drinking but I am unhappy.
I completely get it.
You are in a hole right now. So have I. I've been in a hole nearly all my life. A hole that got deeper and deeper. Today is the first day, in a long time that I truly feel good about myself.
But it took fighting through hell to do it. I have alot of work left to go. But I'm also so much farther, compared to the videogaming hermit I was three years ago.
Dropping videogames was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I am glad for it. Because it helped me see how hollow my experience was when I played them.
Though THE hardest thing I've ever done, is admit to my own mistakes, misunderstandings, and misconceptions.
You can achieve this too. But you too must be willing to face hell to do it. To not fall back to what's easy. But to face what's uncomfortable and taking the next step to overcoming it. It'll take time, and commitment, to do.
The first thing you must do is tell yourself "I don't have control of everything. And that's okay."
The reason for this, is because whether any of us realize it, or not.
We want control. To control how life goes for us. To have the perfect life. To get alot of friends. To have a loving family. To have a job we like doing.
But life doesn't work that way. It's not fair. It's not nice. But it's not the end of the world either.
Look. I know you mother is one of the biggest contributors to alot of your pain. And you don't have alot of support from your family and relatives. But one thing you need to remember. Is that what family means to you, is all that truly matters. People who like you for you. You are among family here, as far as I am consurned. You are cared about. We want to see you happy. I want to see you happy. And you can be.
Reflect for a little while on why you fall back. Then think about what you really want. See the differences between what you want and what you have. You have alot more, than you know.
For me. My life was never that horrible. Sure. Did I move around alot. Yeah. But my birthing person was alot of the cause of that chain reaction. Mix with my Dad trying to get his life straight. I mean he had a flipping baby to take care of. Me. But I always had a roof over my head. Clothes to wear. And food to eat. I'm not homeless, nor starving. I have my SSI.
The small things are what you need to be the most greatful for. And needed to remind yourself of all the time. Things can always be worse.
You can do this, Metalhead. You just need to choose to not take the safe and easy option. Don't avoid the pain. Don't keep feeding the misery cycle.
