Lame Local Genius Goes Onward

[whatJimhasbecome]

I typed up a whole introduction. 8 paragraphs, maybe. And then I accidentally deleted it. Surely, someone here is smarter than me. No matter what I say, it's gonna sound stupid to someone. This is why people talk down to you and tell you that you shouldn't doubt yourself. Had you not doubted yourself, this person wouldn't have to yell at you. That's an inconvenience to them...

I can't always think of others first. How much of my time should be allocated to other people? I'm not other people. I am only me. Here I sit but you can't see me. Unless you're a hacker. Then you might be able to access a web cam...or cell phone...can super hackers do that? Can the government do that? If so, humans can do that and I, personally, don't want that kind of responsibility. Oh well, right?

The initial post went on about my first aspie experience. Feels weird to tell it again, but maybe it'll sound less extreme. Extremity implies bounds. Controlled, and whatnot. After finding out about Asperger's Syndrome, I realize that I've always had these aspie moments. I stare off into space and realize things unbeknownst to other people. When this happens, a euphoria kinda melts over me. Some may think it's weird but it's jealousy. There's a bunch of brilliant thought going on in my mind. There's also a ton of other stuff. Things you may not like. Other things may entertain you...you would laugh at the hilarity of it all and then bounce back to calm in an instant.

Who isn't weird. We set these ridiculous standards for our public self...what we are isn't up to the standards we set. Let's quit blaming the politicians. If we can do a better job, then we will. Humans suck at getting along. If poor people work for the rich people, then who's really to blame? We seem to let ourselves blame the rich people because there are truly so few. It's okay to bash that minority. They are stingy. I could really go on and on...probably will, but elsewhere...but I'm sick of thinking of this stuff when I could be pondering butterflies and never eating salt again. I go out in public and people want to talk about everything I don't like. They don't want to talk about the things I like. What else am I supposed to do?

My first super-intense aspie moment was in the 4th grade. In the field passed the playground, I would run and play with this group of 3. 2 boys, 2 girls. Each boy was chased by a girl. Same girl. It was a lovey-dovey kind of thing. I was just some super innocent 9 year old. Sheltered enough from too much bad stuff to think about. I didn't feel cognizant of living. I remember that much. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. But, I only realize so because reality hit me in this fantastic wave. I was running and then I stopped.

---

Everything became really clear. Profundity. Right away, everything got really boring. Everything. Why was I running from a girl? Would some old dude run from an old lady? The concept of all childish games became stupid to me. Red Rover became intolerable. It was more than maturity hitting me. All the kids seemed really immature. Like I was an elderly person hanging out with slightly-retarded 7 year olds.

The idea of "neurotypical" is fitting. The word sounds right. It has that nasally N sound. It's kinda annoying. It's a derogatory word, no doubt. Oh well, right? It's not like I'm going to use it against someone. What is anger? I really, really don't feel it. I can't figure out how to hold a grudge. Everything is accurately in perspective. If I was a machine, my Perspective Centers would be running at 100%. Yet, I am no robot. I have not metal arms. I cannot work all day without a break and a nice long lunch. The government takes one whole 8 hour shift away from us to run the country. We deserve lots more for our sacrifice...think about it...you get an entire shift taken away. Think about that on salary terms. 1/5 of....never mind.

My brain works incredibly fast but nothing is incredibly interesting. I try to make interesting things but I cannot. They're always too flawed. Great people can't mess up. I can. Great people...even when they fall short, they've already gone so far that anything more than what they achieved is incomprehensible.

Another aspie story: Back before I knew about it, I got obsessed with macabre writers. If it was twisted and had a cult following, I checked it out. (Yes, it was a lot of work.) I wasn't much of a writer. A lousy poet, at best. I'm not bashing myself...the truth is the truth, I suppose. I would write poems in normal format...the: one line, hit return, one line, hit return, etc. Then I started to skip the skipping lines. Paragraphs of 10 line poems. 40 lines. Useless in the eyes of any normal person. It looks like it's in code.

The aspie portion comes in when, years later, all my paragraphs are disjointed and mixed up. They follow a logical line that is absurd but sound. It's analogous to how some people can do long division in their head and others can't. Math is useful, but infinity is an extremity. People tell me I speak in riddles. I play logic games on people. I think doing IQ test type stuff is fun...all I gotta do is convince everyone that much: It's fun. Presto! Everyone is a genius but creative genius can't be taught, can't it?

I find a bit of solace in philosophy books but I fear that I can't not read them anymore. They've synthesized with me. Often, I wonder: Why me? Being an aspie sucks. You can't relate. You can't belong. You don't want those things. Why relate to a bunch of neurotypicals being boring about potentially cool stuff? I want to ugh when I think of trying to explain things to them. It's like taking disgusting medicine.

Thing is: I haven't met an aspie that was open about it. Yes, you can't tell everyone that you fell onto the autism spectrum and find it much better. Life is easier if you think I'm weird. I get left alone. I don't know what I'm missing out on. You don't have to remind me when we meet. I wonder if I'll meet other aspies and not relate to them too. Would that be bad, really? I can't relate to anyone...just because you may not be able to relate to anyone doesn't mean we'll be best friends. I don't want to weep with some whiny stranger about how hard it was growing up and how narrowed interests have isolated you in adulthood and how this and that and I don't care. I really don't. That's the worst part about "being an aspie": Resentment. Neurotypicals have made their lives easier. It's like: The majority is the biggest cult around. They're just as selective and strict. They're vindictive. Oh well...

So that is my hello. Keep in mind that I've grown so used to dumbing down my thoughts that this is fairly dumbed-down. Not because I think you are stupid, no...it's because I'm completely certain that you wont convince me that you are smarter than me. Ha.

 

[MoCoffee]

Wow Jim (may I call you Jim?) I was fascinated by your intro. You should fit in here very well. Welcome to aspiescentral where quirky is normal. I look forward to more posts from you.

 

[Soup]

Welcome to the forum, WJHB. That was a unique & interesting into. I hope you enjoy being a member here & post often!

 

[Ereth]

Hi there, Jim . . . not sure whether you're trying to be self-deprecating or self-important or some measure of both (sorry---it's just the impression I'm getting), but welcome all the same.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

To be honest, I related with much of what you said. The thought processes, feeling old amongst other children as a child, that wonderful feeling of slipping in to a day dream, and realising new truths; even if no one wants to hear of them.

You seem to have a love hate relationship towards NTs; in that you don't relate to them, but perhaps wish you did, but at the same time are frustrated that they don't wish to understand you. I feel this way some days, though I have long adapted the ability to relate with NTs, on the most part anyway. I still don't understand why they find many things they do fascinating, like out drinking one another, but have learned of things they do appreciate, that previous could not, which are largely wonderful, and liberating. I feel I am able to read many of them better, and therefore attempt to forge friendships with better chances. You may feel inclined to this thought, or it may feel beneath you. I myself am fascinated by NTs, as I am with people with AS, and so this has been a rather worthwhile venture. Not only that, but it has unlocked more areas of my brain, as I now know how to process certain information previously locked from me, such as being able to understand, and experience more complex emotions, and understand the motives of rather illogical trains of thought.

I understand your desire to remain honest, as you don't wish to conform to a behaviour that is unnatural to your true nature; be aware though that many will find this unfavourable, as I'm sure you're already aware. You do seem quite interesting though; you have a way with words that describes your experiences well. I hope to learn more of your experiences.

 

[whatJimhasbecome]

Neither and both, simultaneously. I think that with being an aspie, the limitations of social interaction lead one to believe that they are burdened and blessed with aspiehood. There is an odd, overwhelming pressure to use my mind for some greater purpose...one that will benefit both aspies and neurotypicals. Even if it's trying to find the right words to simplify the differences between "us" and "them". The self depreciation comes in to play because modesty is such a common virtue. Until the grandiose unfolds, there's no reality in it, I suppose. But, yeah, yer right.

 

[whatJimhasbecome]

For the longest time, I didn't know about "neurotypicals" and "aspies". It was only recently that I came to understand Asperger's Syndrome. I still feel a bit of resentment toward NTs because of all the years of confusion and whatnot. I shouldn't blame them...and in a future I'm sure I won't, but for now it works for me. At this point, tho, nts aren't very interesting. I can't seem to find it in me to value them. I don't want to study them. I'd rather be void of them for an uncertain amount of time. I'd rather spend my time unlocking parts of my mind neurotypicals refuse to go. But like I said...that may change eventually.

 

[Vanilla]

Everyone has their passions to follow. For me I wasn't interested for a long time. I had to wait until I was ready, and that wasn't until I was in my early twenties.

I know what you mean by feeling a great desire to use your abilities for the greater good. I once tried to explain this to my NT friend, who told me they had never felt that way. It hadn't occurred to me that not everyone feels that way, until he had told me that.

 

[Rex]

Hello

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

Hey WJHB. May I ask your age?

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

Hey WJHB.

I don't know you (obviously as you might comment) but I understand a lot what you’re saying. I was like you when I was a very young kid and I feel it was only chance that I managed to become "socialized."

Growing up I was an arrogant little atheist. An irl internet troll to put it oddly. But, as I mentioned earlier, was socialized to the point where most people don't even suspect I'm Autistic.

So here's something I want to explain to you about being autistic. It means you see things differently as I'm sure you are aware. This can be a good thing as it makes your view of other things to be more original like my first post suggests, an effing awshum trait. But because it makes it harder to relate to others the distance figuratively speaking leads to the occurrence of a common phenomenon called dehumanization or superiority complex.

Now I'm not saying it's not tempting to go down this road, but I am advising serious caution. Because often, you feeling left out or bullied by NTs - I believe you refereed to main streamers a vindictive somewhere towards the end of your first post, but I just want to say that two wrongs don't make a right and also, just as you do not fully relate to them they do not fully relate to you. Who’s to say if autism was the norm you wouldn't act in kind?

I was lucky enough to have an autistic parent whom I could love and relate to growing up. and while he in reality is a selfish little -unmentionable- sometimes, i looked up to and loved him- for his knowledge and his affection.

I also was fortunate to have become friends with some VERY sociable people growing, how it happened I'm not even sure so you could say I'm familiar with main streamers although I've actually also experienced many of the experiences that Autistic people do as well. I'm just very good at hiding it you could say.

But the point is, when I was a kid, I was bullied but it never bothered me because of what I would tell myself which was that- I was a good person, they just didn't know me yet.

When I learned to be able to communicate better, and met someone who, amazingly liked me just as much as I was struck by her- that is what opened the flood gates for me and allowed the emotions and the empathy to come pouring in. So much that now people frequently comment that I'm one of the most caring/concerned/empathetic people they know.

But one of the most important beliefs KI harbor, and I hope others (you even?) will eventually as well is that all people are of equal value. There is no such thing as superiority- that is just a destructive illusion. That I regard you, and me and anyone else I meet on the same playing field and with the same amount of respectful regard, because . . .it's the only way to live. it's just true.

So, I hope with that explained you excuse me when I say i found parts of your own post to be "immature" because of the disregard you were showing to others. Give humanity credit where it's due, and, remember, you’re human too.

Welcome aboard.