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Late blossoming/NT relations

B

Buspire

Well-Known Member
OK first thread. I'm a male aspie in my mid- 20s, diagnosed at age 12, and am currently going to college. I'm straight and single, and have been celibate so far, but in the last two or three years I've been feeling the interest in women hit me with a vengeance. From what I've read it's normal for Aspies to bloom later than NTs both male and female. The reason why I'm posting this in social skills/friendship instead of dating/love is that all I'd like to do is to be able to understand some skills in dealing with NT women.

That's where my challenge come in. I have a very hard time reading when a NT woman is being friendly or just polite. For example, people tell me I rarely smile, and that's because for a long time I thought that smilng at someone was an intimate gesture and therefore I wouldn't do it to anyone but my family or closest friends. As you can imagine, this caused me some confusion when I saw teachers, dentists, counselors, waitresses, students etc. give wide bright smiles at me. And frankly it still gives me some trouble in which I have a hard time figuring out if one likes me or is just giving the same smile she'd give to anyone publicly. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
 
From what Neurotypicals have told me, people in a business or office setting wear a smile like wearing lipstick. It's for appearance and is not personal at all. I always thought of smiling directly to someone's face as sending a message: I like you, you make me happy, or I find you attractive.

That really threw me when I had a young special ed counselor in high school who I thought liked me. She would always give me a bright smile and wave when she saw me. At the time I thought she wanted to be my friend, and I started spending extracurricular time with her, talking with her whenever I had a chance, and even bringing her some candy. Then one day she got tired of it, and told me I was wasting her time, and I had to make an appointment if I wanted to see her for an important reason. It really stung me at the time, but I realized later that she was just doing her job; she wasn't my friend, she was just supposed to be that way with everyone, and she could care less if she ever saw me again.
 
For dealing with neurotypical women, who act in public as if they were on a stage? sorry, I got nothing. I prefer being around men, if it is necessary to be around NTs, as they are more straight-forward. I have the impression that all people do in public is acting, anyway.

I'd opt for other Aspies for intimate relationships, mostly because I'd trust them not to deliberately hurt me. See, I love honesty, and it seems a difficult concept for NTs to comprehend, with a few exceptions ? in my experience, that is. On the other hand, maybe relationships aren't supposed to be easy.
 
Fortunately, you're out of high school. Girls are the worst between the 7th-12th grade. By now, reasonable women will treat you with respect as long as you treat them the same. Watch out, as some (meaning a LOT) women will use you if you let them. One reason for this is that they now have to take care of themselves, and some of them don't want to do this, so they'll find a guy to do the work. This is only one thought and I'm only in high school. Use regular manners as taught while growing up. The best advice for socializing with women are women themselves. Reading dating and relationship blogs or books will help you tremendously, even if you're not at that stage yet.
 
I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship with a NT girl. It was my only real relationship and there was a lot of learning involved, and I sort of stumbled my way into it. So I dont have much advice on getting a girl because Iam not sure how I got one, but when you do, it will be a lot of work, but I think its worth it. I was diagnosed when I was 14 and have wondered ever since if I could ever find someone to love me, its hard when I see my friends coupling up because it made me feel alone. I am one to hide my AS from others so when I finally found someone who I could really open up to, love and be loved by it really was the most amazing thing. I think some of the AS may have led to the breakup and its certainly made it hard, really hard but looking back I think it really is rewarding, especially for people like us. For once I felt not alone
 
I've noticed that the smiling thing depends on where you live. I lived in the Mid Atlantic United States, and there, people only smiled if they meant it, if they felt happy. Then I moved to a certain city in the Midwest, and all the women kept a constant smile because in that region it was what you were supposed to do.

So in my experience, it has a lot to do with the social conventions of the area where you live.

By the way, even NTs don't always know whether someone's interested.
 
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Wow... thanks for enlightening me, an NT, on the smiling thing! That makes absolute sense to me now.
 
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