Lately (feeling confused)...

[The Phantom]

As some of you may know I am a relatively new member who has just gotten the feeling that I may have Aspergers, and the suspicions grow stronger everyday.
If you want an unnecessarily in-depth chronicle of my (possibly) aspie life, you can view this thread here: Help Please: Possible Aspie. Very Very long, only read if you're interested in helping | AspiesCentral.com But that's only for the very enthusiastic helper . I've had some problems getting my parents to realize my symptoms, especially since I used to be a very social and bubbly young child (not that I'm much older, lol). They think I've just got teen problems now. Like I mentioned in the other thread, I have undiagnosed OCD, and any issues that pop are blamed on OCD, and anything else (like my emotional hypersensitivity) is just fault of my own character.
Both me and my parents have believed that I had ADD for the longest time, something that If I recall correctly is very similar to AS, and Aspies are often mis-diagnosed. However I also have a feeling I have a ADD somewhat, so if if any of you know if both can co-exist, please let me know.
Anyway, I have been feeling depressed as of late. There are obvioulsy periods stronger than others, but at the end of the day it still affects me. I've felt lingerings of it as early as age 11, butI feel it's been stronger now. This kind of relates to my symptoms of Aspergers, since around the beginning of middle school (2 years ago, fyi) my social issues have developed, or at least intensifyed, though it seemed they didn't exist before. Same with my ADD symptoms, they have seemed to start to get worse around 6th grade, though my grades in math have always been pretty bad rolleyes

But recently one of the things that is affecting me the hardest emotionally is my relationship with my mother. It's not abusive by any means, but I've been feeling very confused. One of my biggest qualms with people in general, that has existed for as long as I can remember, was making up my mind if a person was good or bad. Or at least, if any feelings of dislike or hatred were justified. I hated how people are morally-grey and that now one can be 'completely good', (which is incredibly ironic giving my personality. I'm no angel). But it's a struggle, especially with fellow peers of mine (especially popular girls in my grade). A friend can start to talk about them ebhind their back, and I get into the conversation, feeling intense negative feelings towards them, as well as when they hurt my feelings/annoy me, but sometimes they show their good moments, and that's when I feel guilty for my previous feelings. I've noticed this is very apparent in 2 people in particular: One of my classmates, who I strongly feel is possibly on the spectrum, and my mother. These are the people I feel guiltiest for having these feelings towards. My classmate, who has a knack for greatly pissing me off, can inspire very strong feelings of annoyance in me, and causing me to vent my frustration in the form of very bad backstabbing. However, at the end of the day, if he is on the spectrum, he might not even know any better, or realize the frustration he causes. That's what makes me feel so guilty, and I start to beat myself up about it, contributing to my already low self-esteem.

Getting to the other one, my mother. This is probably the worst of all, and lately thinking about certain things (regarding the situation) is enough to make me cry.
Today I went to Sky Zone (indoor trampoline park) with my cousin and his friend. They are both boys and absolutely LIVE for the Dodgeball game, where you're simultaneously playing dodgeball and jumping around of the trampoline grid thingy (lol idk). I played the game with them, but I kept on getting hit out and it got boring after a while. Not to mention I felt extremely awkward interacting with other kids who were strangers to me. i felt like an idiot. So I walked out and waited, hoping for them to come out and join me on the other trampoline court, which is just a plain court where you can jump around and do tricks and stuff. No games or anything. They didn't come out, so I went back to my mom and aunt who were waiting at a table. My mom asked me why I wasn't playing, and I told her they wouldn't play with me. I didn't want to play on the trampoline by myself, because I felt awkward and stupid jumping by myself. I feel like people judge me, even if they couldn't care less.
My mom said that I shouldn't waste their time and to go and jump on the trampoline (especially since it was payed for), but I refused. Even my aunt couldn't convince my cousin to play. My mom was getting extremely angry and told me I couldn't go back and sit down. She told me that poeple wouldn't think I'm boring if I expected them to play with me and refused to do things by myself. I reluctantly went on the trampoline, and being me I started to cry. It was not just the events of that dayl i was feeling so confused about my mom. one minute she could humiliate me and make me feel awful, and the next she could be so sweet I wondered why i ever has angry at her. I'm tearing up just typing this. I don't know what to do. I know she is just confused herself, but I feel like such a disspointment to her, that I'm not the daughter I could be, the one she deserved (I'm quite tomboyish due to my awkwardness, and she wishes I could be more feminine) and also other things (bad grades, etc.)

Could you guys please offer some support? It would mean so much. I'd really like some advice on understanding my mom and how to held us understand each other.


Thank you!!!!

 

[Beverly]

I'm reading a lot of "she is" statements with only her actions being given a your criteria for making the assessment of what kind of person she is. I don't think anyone is capable of BEING total opposites form one moment, or even on day to the next. They can act very differently form moment to moment and day to day but, the person is not the action.

While action often reflect who the person is, if the person is trying to make a strong point or teach a lesson, they may use actions which do not reflect who they are.

Right now you are in the actions = personality = good or bad. you aren't seeing the gray areas in between. I know typical Aspie thinking but, people do have gray areas and, what they do is not always who they are, they are never all good or all bad.

"An angel and a devil, there's room for them in everyone." - David Callahan - and it's true, we are all a bit of good, a bit of bad and, a whole lot of the gray in between.

 

[The Phantom]

I'm reading a lot of "she is" statements with only her actions being given a your criteria for making the assessment of what kind of person she is. I don't think anyone is capable of BEING total opposites form one moment, or even on day to the next. They can act very differently form moment to moment and day to day but, the person is not the action.

While action often reflect who the person is, if the person is trying to make a strong point or teach a lesson, they may use actions which do not reflect who they are.

Right now you are in the actions = personality = good or bad. you aren't seeing the gray areas in between. I know typical Aspie thinking but, people do have gray areas and, what they do is not always who they are, they are never all good or all bad.

"An angel and a devil, there's room for them in everyone." - David Callahan - and it's true, we are all a bit of good, a bit of bad and, a whole lot of the gray in between.

I understand your point. I guess I didn't really state what I wanted to say properly. I'm just trying to list her actions (not what kind of person she is) and why I'm getting mixed signals. How she acts in some situations (towards me) is very different from everyone else. Part of the reason I am so confused is that some of her actions and the things she says (and the feelings behind it, because she very clearly states her feelings) are very much like me, though she is NT. In some situations, If make a face when I'm very uncomfortable with something (i.e. something she says or when someone wants to take a photo with me in it. If it's helpful to you in anyway, know that I hate taking pictures in public settings.), she overreacts (at least in my mind since no one else I know reacts like that) and kind of puts on a whiny voice and says "What _______ <---- (My name), why do you act like this." If I say anything oppositional she'll say something like "you're so argumentative, you always have to argue" or, even if it's something like: Mom: I can't believe you have to wait that long for the pizza to arrive. don't you agree?" (or something like that, I can't really remember. Me: "I don't really care that much, to be honest. Mom: "Why do you do that? You ALWAYS have to argue" and so forth. Which is Ironic because I find that SHE'S very argumentative. What I mean is that we kind of react the same way to each other, even though I think I have Aspergers and that she is Neuro-Typical (only assuming this because she feels that way. If she doesn't believe I'm an aspie than certainly she wouldn't believe she is herself. In fact I find that I share a lot of qualities with my (most likely) NT parents, and some of these qualities are aspie traits. But anyway, the point is I know she is in no way a bad person and her actions are not her, but I;m just feeling confused as to why she acts this way towards me. My brother also has mental disorders, OCD, some other possible ones (ADD), and his OCD is extremely similar to tourettes, in fact I feel he may have tourettes (he has many vocal and motor tics, and some other things but that's a different topic), and like me he can be very verbally agressive (though not to the point of abuse). But unless he is treating me badly (though we get along great, just some cases when we were younger he liked to annoy me), my mother acts like he can do no wrong. Don't get me wrong, she understands and knows he can do some terrible things like everybody else. He has gotten into major trouble in the past. But he can be much more agressive than me, and sometimes says VERY rude things to my mother (personally insulting her, though I know this is part of his problems, and not his fault, I understand completely) and she will get mad and tell him not to say that. But when I do something milder it's a completely different level.
Beverly, I know you have answered to my other thread, and so you probably know this already, so I apologize. But I need to get this out.
Like I said, my brother also has some issues (I think he is NT, we share similar aspie qualities but I don't think he's an aspie. I know I can't be completely sure, but I think he lacks some of the basic criteria. Though I don't for sure of course). And his OCD type is much more severe at first glance. His vocal tics and such. But I have routines and rituals (deviating from my aspie ones, these are my anxiety ones) that I must follow in order to calm myself and feel clean and so on. My parents don't know about it because I don't know how to explain and too embarrassed by the specifics of it.
Because of how hidden it is, my parents think my brother has it much worse than I do. That's why when he gets mad or angry and stuff, it's very sad and part of his problem. When I do, I'm just being a teenager, a smartass or something else, though many of my aggressive tendencies stem from my (aspie) symptoms (not saying being agressive is part of being an aspie). I have meltdowns very frequently and my parents.
Recently my mother was trying to get my brother to pack some warm clothes for college since we will be in the midwest. He started saying that the clothes (the ones in partiular, not clothes in general) were for 'wieners'. It was very funny and all of us were laughing. When he left (after refusing to pack those clothes) I repeated what he said, just because I found it funny. Then my mom said (not too seriously but less amused than before) "well at least he said it nicely. You would have been like: *imitating how she thinks I would say it* ."
My two major problems with this. 1. He did NOT say it nicely. Is saying something is for wieners a nice way of putting it? We were all laughing afterwards, but he didn't mean it to be funny. and 2. I would have NOT reacted the way she imitated me. I would have AGREED to pack those clothes, since I know I'd freeze by butt off. But it felt like (even though I know it wasn't that way) that she was trying to make me seem like a purposely oppositional kid.
Phew! That was exhausting to type haha.
Anyway, What you said about actions and motives is completely correct. But I 'm having a hard time understanding the motives or points behind some of the things she does (like the example I just mentioned involving my brother).
Thanks for you advice!

 

[Beverly]

Ah, I think I understand now. Much like me, you are perceived as being NT by most, including your family but, you find yourself unable to act NT all of the time and recognize problems you have. You then hide those problems to avoid the negative reactions and/or embarrassment that would likely result if you revealed those problems, even to your family.

I think your mother is more tolerant of your brother because he shows his problems routinely. You on the other hand have demonstrated your ability to act "normal" so, she expects more "normal" of you and, is more disappointed and upset when your "normal" fails you than she is when "normal" fails your brother. I'm not saying it's right or fair because it isn't but, it is human of her and understandable.

I honestly don't see you opening up about yourself to her and, unless you can do that, I don't see her expectations and standards for you changing. That isn't entirely a bad thing either. You are intelligent and resourceful, you are able to look at yourself relatively objectively and see where and why you have problems. You can see the desired reaction in each situations you describe and, I think use that knowledge to alter your external reactions to similar situations in the future IF you choose to do so.

That's a call you have to make, be true to yourself at all times or, learn the facades, swallow your internal turmoil, stress, distaste, even possible melt downs and build a NT facade or mask. Because I did not know I was an Aspie until long after I had built my facades, I have no choice but to use them now. Had I known at a young age, I'd have done things differently and remained more true to myself publicly. Even so, I am proud of my ability to pass as NT, and I do enjoy the benefits of being able to do so effectively.

Neither road is easy, both will test and try you, push you hard at times, embarrass you and, stress you out. It's a decision you have to make alone, no one can choose for you. There is no wrong choice and, a whole spectrum of shades of grey combining the two options that you might choose. You have to find what works for you and, look for ways to make sense of what others say and do.

One lesson I learned that is hard to accept but, ultimately makes any road we travel in life easier is that we cannot change what others say and do or how they react to us, we can only change how we react to them, to what they say and do. No one and nothing can force you to react at all, you choose how you react ALWAYS. Now a lot of that may be a subconscious choice but, even then once you are aware of your reaction, you can make a conscious choice to work toward changing it and, the change will happen in time. Sometimes it's instant, sometimes it takes years but, you do have the ability to control every single one of your reactions to everyone and everything.

 

[The Phantom]

Ah, I think I understand now. Much like me, you are perceived as being NT by most, including your family but, you find yourself unable to act NT all of the time and recognize problems you have. You then hide those problems to avoid the negative reactions and/or embarrassment that would likely result if you revealed those problems, even to your family.

I think your mother is more tolerant of your brother because he shows his problems routinely. You on the other hand have demonstrated your ability to act "normal" so, she expects more "normal" of you and, is more disappointed and upset when your "normal" fails you than she is when "normal" fails your brother. I'm not saying it's right or fair because it isn't but, it is human of her and understandable.

I honestly don't see you opening up about yourself to her and, unless you can do that, I don't see her expectations and standards for you changing. That isn't entirely a bad thing either. You are intelligent and resourceful, you are able to look at yourself relatively objectively and see where and why you have problems. You can see the desired reaction in each situations you describe and, I think use that knowledge to alter your external reactions to similar situations in the future IF you choose to do so.

That's a call you have to make, be true to yourself at all times or, learn the facades, swallow your internal turmoil, stress, distaste, even possible melt downs and build a NT facade or mask. Because I did not know I was an Aspie until long after I had built my facades, I have no choice but to use them now. Had I known at a young age, I'd have done things differently and remained more true to myself publicly. Even so, I am proud of my ability to pass as NT, and I do enjoy the benefits of being able to do so effectively.

Neither road is easy, both will test and try you, push you hard at times, embarrass you and, stress you out. It's a decision you have to make alone, no one can choose for you. There is no wrong choice and, a whole spectrum of shades of grey combining the two options that you might choose. You have to find what works for you and, look for ways to make sense of what others say and do.

One lesson I learned that is hard to accept but, ultimately makes any road we travel in life easier is that we cannot change what others say and do or how they react to us, we can only change how we react to them, to what they say and do. No one and nothing can force you to react at all, you choose how you react ALWAYS. Now a lot of that may be a subconscious choice but, even then once you are aware of your reaction, you can make a conscious choice to work toward changing it and, the change will happen in time. Sometimes it's instant, sometimes it takes years but, you do have the ability to control every single one of your reactions to everyone and everything.

Hey Beverly, thanks for replying again. If you wouldn't mind, could you look at my other thread?:How to explain meltdowns to my parents? | AspiesCentral.com

You absolutely do not have to reply if you don't want to, it's just that your posts on my threads are always very helpful, and I would appreciate your advice. But don't feel like I'm nagging you, haha, only if you want to.

Anyway, that makes sense what you said about my mother's expectations. I had a feeling it was something like that, my brother seemingly having a harder time coping, so my parents feel like I'm just allowing myself to act a certain way when I'm capable (to them) of being normal. I think for now, I'm gonna have to stick with keeping up the facade. I hope eventually I won't have to anymore. Because I feel I'm a bit close to getting a psychiatrist appointment of the sort, and hopefully it can go on from there. But for now I'll manage, since I know I'll still have to pretend in the future even when I'm an adult, especially in certain situations. However, it can't be all that bad, I'll look at it as practice for my (hopefully) future in theater

Thanks!

 

[metalminx24]

It took my mum a long time to accept that I'm not, in inverted commas, normal. Like you, I felt that she was disappointed in me, as I tried to behave as others did and had meltdowns when I reached my coping limit. We had a poor relationship for several years, until I was officially diagnosed. Now she tries really hard to understand me, and has done reading and research, and we've never been closer. She says she felt that she was failing, although of course she could never have known. In the English countryside in the '80s ASD didn't exist! I guess what I'm saying is that the more NT you appear, the less likely you are to be understood when the facade fails, because people have different expectations. Don't give up on your mum, she's probably as confused as you at the moment. It's a far easier thing to say than to do, but on a brave day try to confide a little in her. She may surprise you. I'm here if you want to talk anything over.

 

[The Phantom]

It took my mum a long time to accept that I'm not, in inverted commas, normal. Like you, I felt that she was disappointed in me, as I tried to behave as others did and had meltdowns when I reached my coping limit. We had a poor relationship for several years, until I was officially diagnosed. Now she tries really hard to understand me, and has done reading and research, and we've never been closer. She says she felt that she was failing, although of course she could never have known. In the English countryside in the '80s ASD didn't exist! I guess what I'm saying is that the more NT you appear, the less likely you are to be understood when the facade fails, because people have different expectations. Don't give up on your mum, she's probably as confused as you at the moment. It's a far easier thing to say than to do, but on a brave day try to confide a little in her. She may surprise you. I'm here if you want to talk anything over.

Thanks. Your mother sounds a lot like mine at the moment. I remember trying to bring up sensory processing disorder, before I realized I probably had Aspergers and just realized the sensory+emotional issues first, and I tried reading the list of sypmtoms, and things that CLEARLY fitted me and thigns my parents always pointed out to me (mainly some slightly aggresive-seeming behaviour) she refused to acknowledge existed. Even my dad. When I read them out to her she just said 'you don't have that' but when I make her angry she asks me why I act like that lol. Anyway, after a while she said "I don't want to here this. Please stop reading it to me," and annoyed, I was like "Why?" and she said "because you making me stressed, like there is something wrong with you." I almost laughed hysterically at that point. "Of COURSE there is something wrong with me." because everyone points that out (not in a rude way, most of the time.) I don't necesarily mean Aspergers (as in the downfalls of it, of course) but also my OCD.
But reading your post, I do think that both she and my dad, but mostly her, don't want to admit my issues because they don't want to feel that in addition to feeling like there's something wrong with me, that they've failed as parents or are responsible for my issues. My dad was the main genetic contribution to the OCD (though it's on my mothers side as well) and he felt so ashamed when he spotted my brothers symptoms at a young age, and a few years after when I was born how my mom noticed I had some issues when I was a toddler. So I see where they are coming from. After I had a random meltdown recently (that know one knew the cause of) apparently my brother said he didn't want to have children (in fear of passing it on, I assume. Not sure.) It's just that naturally I feel they're going about it the wrong way. I act so NT sometimes (My pretty much main passion is drama/performing, so I know how to act normal. But my awkwardness sometimes overrides it and you can tell something's a bit off. But with close observation) that people around me have ruled out the possibility of me being on the spectrum, especially since I used to be a super-talkative kid. but I still had issues with other girls, so I think the reason I seemed to social was because I had no idea what people thought of me. Not too sure. But it get s so frustrated being dismissed by people who are clearly not professionals and don't know the autism spectrum deeper than the basic symptoms that not everyone has (and are sometimes very stereotyped). They're the ones who tell me not to assume anything because I'm not a professional. I love irony sometimes, but that's just too much lol. But they barely know anything either, when I spend most of my time researching psychology (not for me necessarily, I just find it fascinating. My mom always comes to me to have me help explain a condition to a friend or family member. I guess you could say it's one of my narrowed interests haha.)

Well, that was a rant lol. Sorry about that. I just thought that might potentially be useful information to someone (eh, who am I kidding. I just wanted someone to listen.) but it's getting better though. My mom has agreed to take me to a counselor for my OCD. She might pick up on symptoms of something else (namely Aspergers). So that would help a lot to tlak to my mom. But I've gotten a bit braver over the past few days. So I'll see how that works out.

Again, thanks for the reply