Learn social skills first before a relationship?

[Aussieaspie91]

Hi all,

Since I have been introducing in other forum section. I wanted to continue my discussion about social skills in relevance to my relationships problem. If someone have read my introduction thread thats ok. As I said the combination of hearing loss and AS is taking toll on my social and relationship development - feel there are no hope for me to get past all of those skills required to understand how to develop a relationship with a lady. I know I am young (nearly 23) but I am still concerned about the way the society goes. I knew so many people around my age still have a relationship in a capable way - but why always a person is considered being 'popular'? (i.e. not the Mr jock popularity - more like a social cue popular).

So, I have been going out to many events, organisations and meetings in similar interest as I same - environmental, climate change, science, politics etc etc. I still having trouble making friends with these kind of people. To the lesser extent, why there are always nice happy orientated women is 'taken'?! I don't want to end up with a typical alcoholic raging problematic kind of lady instead! Since I have a career development, why I need not to have a marriage/love and a family of my own which I am looking forward to?

This makes me feel like that the world is actually being against me. Does anyone on this website aware that social skills as a highest capability to be desired as a part of a understanding relationship?

This world doesn't make sense to me now with all of those alcoholic raging hormones trashing my career pathway. Sad world indeed

Looking forward to see some feedback

Matt.

 

[Ereth]

Matt, the world isn't out to get you. Honest. It might feel that way sometimes, but it's not. And I think there are people who have the right to feel that way more than us. But that's a discussion for another time.

There's really no way to isolate learning social skills from a relationship of any kind---whether it's work-related, romantic, or familial. You will have to get out there and make mistakes and learn from them. It's far better to do that then sit in an empty room expecting social acumen to implant itself in your brain.

About dating: you will find that every person has some kind of flaw you dislike. The key is looking past that. No one in this world truly expecting to find a companion is going to find a Barbie or Ken doll, because they don't exist in real life. By setting aside whatever preconceived ideals you have, you'll be more likely to find someone who appeals to you.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Hi Ereth,

I really didn't know that social skills isn't that fully necessary to be required for the relationship. I know this common understanding is "everyone learns new thing everyday".

I'm quite surprised this forum section is really quiet. I assuming most people with AS aren't too worried about having a relationship/marriage in their lives. Fortunately, I am concerned about my position. Being single, career success and honestly mature - why I would be easily missed out?

 

[Ereth]

See, that's the thing---you can't really learn social skills by rote. You have to go out into the world and practice. You're obviously confident, which is great, but even the most successful, confident person is capable of rubbing somebody the wrong way. It's possible that you're being too forward, or not forward enough, or any number of other things.

It's also possible that you just haven't met anyone who finds you interesting. And there is much, much more to a personal connection than "Hi! I'm X, and I work at Y. I make Z a year. Want to go out with me?"

 

[Aussieaspie91]

In other thread I have mentioned about Australian drinking culture, as one of the worst in the world has put a lot of pressure in my life. I don't drink because its' stupid.

Many women in our country is full of drinkers. This what may have affect their personalities and attitude of 'interesting', 'passionate' and 'inspirational' kind of people. Like me, is standing in middle of a drunken crowd not getting attention from women who have said they are after a nice, matured and Mr. Right kind of guy. Instead they continue on drinking and ignore this.

Life is full of big lie.

 

[Ereth]

You can't place all the blame on your country's drinking culture, though. I assume you don't hang out in bars or nightclubs, so . . . well, you can't really assume that alcohol's put blinders on people.

You're bound to appeal to someone, but you're not everyone's ideal. No one is.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Why can't blame it? Its controls people fairly often to be honest.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Why can't blame it? Its controls people fairly often to be honest.

I do believe you that there is a problem there.
But maybe what Ereth means is that complaining about something that you can't change or control doesn't change anything or do any good.

 

[Ereth]

Perhaps I was unclear. I apologize for that. What I'm saying is that no one specific factor is going to be entirely responsible for your lack of success in dating. Maybe for some people it's true that the pro-alcohol culture in Australia has blinded them to anything beyond it. (If so, then the people in question should be concerned that they're suffering from alcoholism.)

But there's no way it's the one reason you've had bad luck. As Ste11ares said, it's better to focus on the things over which you have some measure of control.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Yes indeed.

I'm mainly focusing on networking with people in same interest such as environment/sustainability/wildlife, ASPECT (aspergers Australian organisation) and deaf society (although I am hearing impaired).

I am curious why I always meet women who are happy orientated, hippy-environmentalism and mature (youth age to be honest) are always being in relationship? I met hundreds of them, and every single of them are taken! Why it always a nice personality lady I met is always taken? Its so annoying.

 

[Ereth]

I don't know what else to tell you except that the idea of every nice person being "taken" is false. It may seem that way, but it's not true. Some people might appear ill-tempered at first, or appear to have what you consider a personality flaw, but first impressions aren't everything.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Oh no worries. I seconded that.

Is this aspieness limits the passion for having a relationship with someone? I am a little obsessive to talk about why I can't have a girlfriend/wife.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Oh no worries. I seconded that.

Is this aspieness limits the passion for having a relationship with someone?

No I don't think so.

 

[Ereth]

I don't see why you can't get a girlfriend. You're just so focused on this no-alcohol business that you seem to think you're destined to run into alcoholics forever---people who, although they are at risk for detrimental social behaviors, suffer from an addiction. I do not condone excessive drinking or the behaviors associated with it, but I don't think you can operate under the assumption that alcoholics aren't also victims of their addiction.

Going back to the larger picture, if you shut out every woman you meet because she doesn't measure up to your standards, it's not surprising that you'd struggle to find somebody---you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Ereth,

I'm not trying to make myself appear too focused on alcohol with a girlfriend/friends. I am worried about the health of relationships (as we seen in many cases) that are ended up in wrong way the influence. I am not obsessive with this case. I'm more focused on a finding a long-term relationship/marriage without such influences.

About standardisation, I'm not trying to break down into little pieces to become a narrow minded kind of person. I'm easily judge a lady who does drinking a lot because I am aware that a relationship between a sober and a drinker doesn't seem compatible?

During my counseling sessions I learn many new ways of how to socialize and build relationships with people. I done many sessions as I can to ensure if I am understood about. Although in practice it doesn't seem to work. Now I am on a waiting list to meet a specialized counsellor for Aspergers. From what I have learned, usually between two people - falling for each others is usually by compatibility of doing something similar/or familiar. By having a partner with similar interests for me seems to be a good thing. Why would I go after a women who doesn't have simlar interest as me?

I don't see why you can't get a girlfriend. You're just so focused on this no-alcohol business that you seem to think you're destined to run into alcoholics forever---people who, although they are at risk for detrimental social behaviors, suffer from an addiction. I do not condone excessive drinking or the behaviors associated with it, but I don't think you can operate under the assumption that alcoholics aren't also victims of their addiction.

Going back to the larger picture, if you shut out every woman you meet because she doesn't measure up to your standards, it's not surprising that you'd struggle to find somebody---you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Ereth]

I'm not trying to make myself appear too focused on alcohol with a girlfriend/friends. I am worried about the health of relationships (as we seen in many cases) that are ended up in wrong way the influence. I am not obsessive with this case. I'm more focused on a finding a long-term relationship/marriage without such influences.

If that's true, then you shouldn't be worried about how much alcohol your potential date tends to drink---again, I am assuming you hang out where alcohol is not served.

About standardisation, I'm not trying to break down into little pieces to become a narrow minded kind of person. I'm easily judge a lady who does drinking a lot because I am aware that a relationship between a sober and a drinker doesn't seem compatible?

I wouldn't say it's automatically incompatible. I don't think dating someone who enjoys the occasional drink would be a problem. You'd just have to make sure to be the designated driver on those occasions for safety's sake (driving even while under the influence of one serving is not wise).

During my counseling sessions I learn many new ways of how to socialize and build relationships with people. I done many sessions as I can to ensure if I am understood about. Although in practice it doesn't seem to work. Now I am on a waiting list to meet a specialized counsellor for Aspergers. From what I have learned, usually between two people - falling for each others is usually by compatibility of doing something similar/or familiar. By having a partner with similar interests for me seems to be a good thing. Why would I go after a women who doesn't have similar interest as me?

You don't necessarily have to be interested in all the same things. I'm willing to bet you've had lots of missed opportunities simply because you thought there would be no chance of compatibility between you and a woman. Before making that call, you have to actually interact with someone. For example, you can't just say, "Oh, you like bowling? Sorry, but I hate bowling, so there's no way we'll ever get along."

If you wait around hoping that someone will be perfectly matched to you in every respect, you'll be waiting forever.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

Apparently I always get rejected by a girl because they never feel compatible to me. Many cases they judged on my disabilities. Discrimination and racism is a big factor here in Australia. I never mentioned 'alcohol' and 'interests' to make a girl rejecting me. I usually try to get away from parties and night club kind of environment because picking up a girl who has been drinking would be NOT a good idea. Its very hard to keep up on a partner who have been violently and addicted drinking or doing drugs. So, why you want me to marry someone who have been violently drinking and doing drugs? I'm not sure if you intentionally mean this, but it does sound like it. But don't worry, you aren't only one person said that to me. My family members said a same thing by not judging a girl who does a drink or two. My fear is to have a relationship with someone is to have a drink or two because it usually means more than two to the excess and then 'bang' drama.

So what you want me to do? Instead of waiting around like a sleeping dog on a carpet. I always get told by many family members and friends saying that I should stop looking because it makes me look desperate. They said - instead of looking around is to wait for her to come along. Some sort of special moment at first sight or whatever they mean.

 

[Ereth]

Apparently I always get rejected by a girl because they never feel compatible to me. Many cases they judged on my disabilities. Discrimination and racism is a big factor here in Australia.

I've been overlooked because of my disabilities too. I've been called ugly and stupid and annoying. But just because some people can't see how special we are doesn't mean everyone ignores us.

I never mentioned 'alcohol' and 'interests' to make a girl rejecting me.

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but you've done just that, at least as far as alcohol is concerned:

Many women in our country is full of drinkers. This what may have affect their personalities and attitude of 'interesting', 'passionate' and 'inspirational' kind of people. Like me, is standing in middle of a drunken crowd not getting attention from women who have said they are after a nice, matured and Mr. Right kind of guy. Instead they continue on drinking and ignore this.

I usually try to get away from parties and night club kind of environment because picking up a girl who has been drinking would be NOT a good idea. Its very hard to keep up on a partner who have been violently and addicted drinking or doing drugs. So, why you want me to marry someone who have been violently drinking and doing drugs? I'm not sure if you intentionally mean this, but it does sound like it. But don't worry, you aren't only one person said that to me.

I agree---don't pick up someone who's intoxicated. But I did not say---and nor have I ever said---that you should marry someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. (Mind you, that does not mean I'm saying that people who do those things are automatically bad, and somehow unworthy of a meaningful relationship.)

My family members said a same thing by not judging a girl who does a drink or two. My fear is to have a relationship with someone is to have a drink or two because it usually means more than two to the excess and then 'bang' drama.

Your family's right---one glass of alcohol doesn't mean there will be instant drama. Making that assumption is about as fair as somebody else assuming you're boring because you don't drink.

So what you want me to do? Instead of waiting around like a sleeping dog on a carpet. I always get told by many family members and friends saying that I should stop looking because it makes me look desperate. They said - instead of looking around is to wait for her to come along. Some sort of special moment at first sight or whatever they mean.

I don't want you to do anything. What you choose to do is up to you. I don't think looking for someone makes you desperate, though. "Love at first sight" isn't really something that happens to too many people.

 

[Aussieaspie91]

I don't know anyone on this forum site have an expert advice in relationships. I believe many of you are in similar situation as me.

Lot of people say I am good, genuine, intelligent and inspirational type of guy. They always say in this point I have a better chance to establish long term relationship. Sometimes, for me, its hard to believe that I able to get a long term relationship because the way I am being treated by women.

I'm sure many of you guys get these common rejections, such as:
1. They are already taken
2. Mentality incompatible
3. Addiction issues
4. They don't see past disabilities
and that etc.

I just don't know how to think about there is a good chance of something going to happen. I don't know why, its very weird.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think it's important that your happiness doesn't depend on getting a girlfriend. Even if you do want a girlfriend, which is all right, your happiness shouldn't depend on it.