Learning how to ask/accept help

[Allicat]

Hi folks:

Long story short, my 12 year old is having a hard time in school. Bright kid, good at concrete concepts (like math), not so good at stuff which requires inferencing (like figuring out why stuff happened in a story). With assistance he can work things out, but he absolutely refuses to ask for help. Instead he just shuts down (utterly, to the point of being unresponsive). He can't explain why, although my guess is it's a mix of social anxiety/embarrassment/frustration/not seeing why he should even need help.

We've discussed how his job at school is to learn, not know everything and the job of the people there is to help the kids learn, so giving help to ANY kid is what they are supposed to be doing; he's not interested. We've tried positive reinforcement; turns out he'd rather not earn the things he wants than ask someone for help. We've given him cards to hand someone instead of verbally asking; nope, he won't use em. We all need help now and again, and I'm worried if he doesn't start getting a handle on this now, it's going to make his life really difficult when he's older.

So I'm reaching out to you folks. What do you do when you or your kid needs help, and is having a hard time asking for it/accepting it?

Thanx!

 

[Suzanne]

I am no help, sadly, as I am just like your son, accept for my age lol

I hate asking for help and will avoid it at all costs and especially if ones know me, then in my head, why can't they ask?

The few times I took the courage to ask, was turned down and so, set a huge pattern in being petrified to ask and no amount of reasoning can get me to see that it is ok to ask.

But I see that in your son's situation, being it is a school invironment, then yes, teachers I guess do expect students to ask.

Basing it on my own feelings, I wonder if you could ask a couple of teachers to actually give him a positive response ( without him knowing this) and then ask your son a few questions like. What if you need a new pencil and you see that it is near the teacher, what are you going to do? What if the teacher is busy looking down and so, doesn't see the need? Do you think no one should ask? What if no one asked, what would happen?

If he is an aspie, he should see the logic aspect of the questions and be able to give an answer.

The trouble is, that asking takes courage, because you have to be prepared to be shot down and well, I for one cannot cope with that and so, do not ask.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Who have you discussed this with? Teachers, educational psychologists?

I have experience of not being able to ask for help and rejecting it when it was advice, not to this extent but I never was able to find a solution to this problem. To this day it can take months for me to initiate asking for help from my parents. This is definitely something you want to get intervention from.

I guess if you maybe gave him the illusion that he's figuring it out on his own he might be able to get through it and might over time warm to the idea of getting help. I don't know how you'd go about doing that, every situation is different so it would have to some really fluid and creative thinking on how to approach helping him. This is probably something a good psychologist who is educated in helping people with autism would be able to help you with.

 

[OkRad]

Same here. I will not ask for help and if I ever do, I regret it for hours and hours and berate myself.

It is the interaction and also having to ask NTs for help. It is almost never worth it for two reasons:

1. It is hard to approach NTs. They can be scary because we already know we will have to talk in THEIR language (which we do not understand and cannot master). And because there are more NTs than Auties, we cannot ask them to learn our language. Even if they wanted to, they cannot understand our language any more than we understand theirs.

2. Any help they would give would be help from an NT perspective anyway, and many of us find that frustrates us even more. We have learned that no help is often way better than bad help.

 

[Mia]

It seems to me that it's an adult behavior to ask for help. Not something a child would necessarily do. Unless it's asking for a sandwich or a snack or some such thing. I was very independent as a child, and rarely asked for help from anyone. Did every thing on my own, and was able to work out how to do things. Not only did it make me independent and resourceful, it fostered creativity and thinking outside the usual.

 

[Judge]

If I truly need help and have exhausted all my own known options, I will in fact ask for it. Yet we have to be talking about something pretty serious for me to be prompted to do so.

Though in my case trust is inevitably part of the equation. I cannot ask help from one I do not fundamentally trust. And trust never comes easy for me. Acutely so when I was at that age, when my peers in school treated me so badly.

 

[Allicat]

I should probably clarify I hate asking for help myself! But as a kid I didn't need help academically (socially was different issue) and I've learned as an adult how to deal with asking.

Thing is, in his case his confusion and lack of comprehension is causing him great stress and anxiety and his responses are becoming increasingly scary. For example, he had a meltdown severe enough a couple months ago to warrant a short stay in a psych unit. He didn't do a project because it was too confusing for him and never told anyone; the day before it was due he had so much anxiety/guilt about not doing it he got off the bus after school but never came home. The police and I found him a hour and a half later, sitting in the rain in the dark on a sidewalk in complete shut down mode. Had he said to someone (anyone!) that it was too much it could have been modified. Thing is, until he is willing to let folks know where he's at with something, we all just have to guess. And we don't always guess correctly. Nor can we (if I was psychic you can be damn sure I'd have hit the lotto by now!).

We've discussed this with psychs, counselors, etc, over the years but he isn't in a place where he is sharing anything with them either. I usually know when something is up and once in a while he will share something with me, but it's like pulling teeth and usually is after the fact. On the rare occasions he has let me know what's going on before the sh*t hit the fan, the changes he needed were made; no fuss no muss and flying poo was avoided by all.

The school modified his program when he got back 2 weeks ago and they've moved him into an inclusion class (12-1-1; 12 kids, 1 teaching assistant, 1 special ed teacher for the full academic day), plus he has a 1-1 aide (which he started with in September) and he's now seeing the school psych once a week instead of the guidance counselor. So lots of support is available, but if it's going to be useful he'll need to be open to it.

I agree, SD, the figuring it out on his own (even if it is an illusion) is a great suggestion and probably the only route that would work for him right now. However, we kinda have to start on that path ourselves; we're currently searching for a new psychiatrist (long story; insurance companies suck). So any ideas that might help us in the interim would be greatly appreciated!

Alli

 

[Mia]

I was just thinking about who a boy of twelve would consider a hero or someone to look up to. And possibly if a hero was shown asking for help from people it might be considered acceptable by him. Know that my spouse was greatly influenced by westerns, that the heroes in them were some he tried to emulate at that age.

This might work with comics, super heroes, or games or movies.

 

[Allicat]

Great idea Mia - thanx! I'll have to think about who he would consider as someone to look up to; he's not into superheroes, the characters he leans towards in his video games are the kind that never ask for help. He's obsessed with Chi's Sweet Home series right now (anime book about a cute cat); maybe there's something I can use...

Think it's time I find out who borrowed my Carol Gray Social Stories book and my Power Cards book and get them back! I've used them at work for years; I probably should have been using them at home as well :/

 

[ConcernedDad]

You could try letting him practice asking for help with you. It's safer to try new situations with parents than with anyone else. For example, you give him an easy problem to solve, then have him pretend to need help and ask. This also may feel safe because he doesn't really need the help, so no anxiety. If he can master this skill, you can make it more challenging by bringing in other people or making the problems more difficult.

 

[paloftoon]

The social environment might be so much stress that normal techniques might not work. It would be worth it to consider cyber school.

 

[Allicat]

Actually, we have practiced at home. When he's not in the moment he can do it easily; he has learned numerous ways how to ask. But he can't seem to access those skills when he needs them. I am looking for a placement that would provide the therapeutic support he needs when he is shutting down as well as provide his academics, but I've only found one in our area and he wasn't accepted.

I have considered homeschooling and cyber school. But I suspect it would be detrimental to our relationship; I can see his interpretation of me being in charge of his education being a problem. To him I fall under the category of mom only and he doesn't see me as an educator (despite the fact I worked in his school from the time he was in kindergarten to 6th grade AND worked with a number of his classmates! I knew all his teachers by first name because they were my co-workers). Plus, I work full time so we can eat and have a roof over our heads; not sure how I'd manage both (single mom here).

*sigh*