Learning to Connect

[Rodafina]

I want to learn how to connect with people because of my nieces and nephews.

I am very grateful to have a few steady and successful long-term relationships in my life. My parents, for example, a few friends, and other family members. I am super grateful for this, but if I’m being honest the relationships feel logical, perfunctory, and driven by my understanding that human beings can go crazy or die from lack of contact with other people. I am motivated to socialize with people because I feel imminently aware that one day they will die, and I will hope that I treasured the moments I had with them. Social survival requires other people, and so I have found ways to successfully maintain what feels like important relationships.

But that’s all just sad. That’s not connection, as other people seem to describe and feel it.

I am very confident and comfortable with children and so I have been able to cultivate meaningful and authentic relationships with my young nieces and nephews. I’m good with kids, I love kids. But, as these little kids grow up and eventually become adults, they remind me more and more of all the people around me that are so difficult to be around and so confusing. I truly desire to have an authentic connection with them throughout their lives.

Is it possible to learn how to connect, or is it always an adaptive workaround if you don’t just feel it in your heart?

If you struggle to maintain connections, are there any exceptions? Are there any people that just stand out, and they break through, somehow?

Has anyone had success in feeling that you have gained something from these connections? I know it is the right thing to do, and so there is a sense of satisfying obligations, but I am not sure it’s more than that, and that makes me feel very sad.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

One basic way to make a connection is to share experiences. Without children, my spouse and I have borrowed nieces and nephews for outdoor trips. As a result there are several who genuinely enjoy being with us now that they are adults. They enjoy visiting us and even now we will canoe and kayak with them, taking them on easy rivers.

Shared experiences is a powerful way to create the sense of common purpose with others.

(Added) to answer your question about something to gain? My connections, who I feel close to, give me an amazing depth of concerned people so that I know, come what may, that some people may assist me in need, though I am working to make that less likely. Plus some are so much fun. Once I agreed to take a nephew and a friend's son, both early teens to Great America. Oy! two bundles of energy amplifying each other. But good memories!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This is a common topic. How do I make and keep friends, love interests, etc? Basically, these things are a two-way street,...you have to literally go out of your way to keep yourself connected to them,...and they do the same for you. Some people,...this is just a natural thing,...they are always thinking about the people in their lives,...give a call or text frequently,...visit,...do things together, etc. It's an energizing and positive experience for them. However, there are those of us on the autism spectrum where this is just work,...its exhausting,...and frankly, some of us just don't think of people at all. I am thinking it just depends upon how motivated you are and how important it is to you to have these "tight" relationships.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Yes, it is possible but wont be a matter of just wanting or trying.

-This method has helped me a lot on my communication with my loved ones:


-Also this one is great to engage with not so special people:

-I have also studied a degree on non directive coaching for a year, not to work as a coach but just to improve my conversation and understanding of others.

-I have practiced on 7cups as a listener of people with problems, half a year.

-I have volunteer as a teacher in all kind of courses in my company and also did in the university, just to practice my "talking in public" skills.

-I worked as a seller in a shop to also improve my softs skills with people.

So, one way of another I have allways been doing something to work on my flaws and weak points. And I still have a long run to go.

So as I said: You can do improve, but wont be easy.

On the other hand it is rewarding. Im happlily married and have a wonderful daugther.

Also, if you get to the point were you can "function" properly, many autists will tell you that you just was born with those skills while many NTs will still notice you are weird.

To me it was worth it.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I'm mostly horrible with humans and connections (obviously, I think they're all evil) but

I am very confident and comfortable with children and so I have been able to cultivate meaningful and authentic relationships with my young nieces and nephews. I’m good with kids, I love kids. But, as these little kids grow up and eventually become adults, they remind me more and more of all the people around me that are so difficult to be around and so confusing. I truly desire to have an authentic connection with them throughout their lives.

Oh my god, I relate to this way too much. It's like once they get old enough, their lying and deceitfulness stops being cute and immediately turns menacing. I always like to assume the best of people, but when someone is transitioning into that phase where they're pretty horrible at hiding their rottenness, it just makes you feel bad about humans and what's lurking inside of them.

Personally, I'd probably feel much more connected to others if I could just focus on their positive attributes and try to ignore their negative qualities, or rather learn to forgive them for it. But I guess you can't do that if you can't forgive yourself, and therein lies a whole other dilemma (speaking about myself, not anyone in particular).

 

[Aspychata]

Today l sent an email from my heart thanking someone- a friend who l hope feels the same, for helping me see a poor behaviour l was struggling with because l was upset with them and was unable to express it. Now l realize l was bent on people pleaser behaviour which means you just shoot yourself in the foot.

So this -connection- has lead to self-correction. What l am trying to relay is the level of connection whether loose or very tight isn't really of importance. It's what you take away and use to better yourself. As a result, l find my other -connections- seemed more balanced and more of a flow.

So the intensity of the connection isn't so important. It's how both of you enjoy each other's time and energy. I value my connections l currently have and find these people very supportive.

 

[Aspychata]

I feel that I have the same problem, no connections to other people. I am almost 64, and feel no connection to any nieces or nephews or their children ( with one exception). I have a nephew who has an autistic son, and he evidently senses we are alike. Whereas I generally repel children, he climbs up in my lap. So, I feel some connection to him. I feel no connection to any other family members. I have a few casual friends, but no real connection.

My wife and I were very close to a married couple who went to our church. We did everything together, until they moved away. A year after they moved away, my best friend died suddenly of a brain aneurism.

My wife and I have grown apart since I was diagnosed autistic. It was as if I immediately changed and became weird in her eyes. I keep trying to overcome this, but I don’t know where our relationship is going.

I have no wisdom to offer, as I am in the same situation. I hope you all find the connections you seek.

Not trying to derail, but have you asked her why? And if your dx of Autism change her acceptance of you?

 

[Knower of nothing]

I always thought going into interactions with the express purpose of connecting is a little odd. And since that's the only way you can deliberately set yourself up for them, you end up trying all these artificial tricks and what happens is you form relationships based on utility or codependence. Doormat your way into being useful to others and they'll probably stick around and perhaps long enough to move past that phase into something more equal (not usually). As far as social survival goes, I can't judge it, do what you gotta do to get by. But connection specifically? To be close to others, to understand and care? I'd feel very iffy if that came with odd expectations and inbalanced respect. If naturally being yourself and doing what you want to do for yourself and for others doesn't lead to a healthy connection automatically then I'm out. Needs be damned.

As for the value of them, it is immense. Like @Aspychata says, there is the self-correcting element as people can function as lenses to see yourself and others through which can be used for understanding and growth. There's also the relief of having someone that you don't need to cover up as much of yourself around. This makes you loosen up and many emotional interactions become just a little smoother thanks to it. There is a greater sense of peace in knowing that you have the option to at any time go and talk to someone that gets it. There is the pride, accomplishment and passion in helping them and watching them grow. It's fun in general too of course.
Perhaps by reading these qualities you can recognize who you are already connected to in some way.

 

[Aspychata]

Answers: Yes and Yes, primarily because we are different. The Autism diagnosis might as well be a label of “Damaged Human”.

So sorry. I think men who have autism can be extremely engaging men. But then l walk among them. My best bosses all had autism. And two held excellent jobs.

 

[Rodafina]

Answers: Yes and Yes, primarily because we are different. The Autism diagnosis might as well be a label of “Damaged Human”.

This is awful – it sounds like so many people here have had the experience where an official diagnosis of autism lead them to feel more human and less damaged. I feel sad that this has been your experience with somebody.

 

[Rodafina]

Perhaps by reading these qualities you can recognize who you are already connected to in some way.

Yes, thank you for saying this – it does make me view a few relationships somewhat differently and more positively.
—————————

Thank you all for taking the time to weigh in. So far I am understanding that action and doing things can foster relationships, but it will take a good amount of effort, motivation, and perhaps some research and practice. Over analyzing the ability to connect or the quality of connections will probably be trouble, and recognizing how I feel when I am with certain people sounds like the most important thing. It will take forgiveness for others and patience with myself, but it is worth the time and the effort because there are very real and very important benefits to it all.

 

[Aspychata]

Her sister is primarily responsible for putting these ideas into her head. I do have a limit as to how long I will endure this, but I am not quite there yet.

All you can do is plan for what is important for you to move forward. But l stuck out my marriage for 2 years until my daughter was more mature, but l was pretty damaged when l left. Maybe an attempt at counseling?

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I have to admit that I don't fully understand what your question is (despite you listing several). Are you asking about how to connect more easily with others, whether you should connect with people even if you don't feel like it, or are you asking whether others here have a similar (mainly utilitarian) view of relationships as you do, and if they have broken out of it in some cases?

I don't really have an answer to any of those questions (at least not better ones than what has already been provided), but I have questions for you in turn which might help you understand your mind: What do you get out of being on the forums? Is it mainly knowledge that you are seeking? Did you come here to join a community, or did that happen organically? Do you identify or agree more with certain members of the community than others, and do you know why?

I really hope you don't take my questions the wrong way (sometimes I can seem aggressive when I am trying to be straightforward). I really like your presence and comments here and despite you being relatively recent (like me) I think you have become pretty established. Your questions did surprise me a little since you seem to connect very well with people here, or were you only wondering about in person connections? Personally, I find it easier to communicate with people on the spectrum or with ADHD as there isn't as much of a social convention filter, and I tend to second guess their intentions less (I suspect that's why it's common for people on the spectrum to connect better with children and animals).

 

[Rodafina]

I have to admit that I don't fully understand what your question is (despite you listing several). Are you asking about how to connect more easily with others, whether you should connect with people even if you don't feel like it, or are you asking whether others here have a similar (mainly utilitarian) view of relationships as you do, and if they have broken out of it in some cases?

I don't really have an answer to any of those questions (at least not better ones than what has already been provided), but I have questions for you in turn which might help you understand your mind: What do you get out of being on the forums? Is it mainly knowledge that you are seeking? Did you come here to join a community, or did that happen organically? Do you identify or agree more with certain members of the community than others, and do you know why?

I really hope you don't take my questions the wrong way (sometimes I can seem aggressive when I am trying to be straightforward). I really like your presence and comments here and despite you being relatively recent (like me) I think you have become pretty established. Your questions did surprise me a little since you seem to connect very well with people here, or were you only wondering about in person connections? Personally, I find it easier to communicate with people on the spectrum or with ADHD as there isn't as much of a social convention filter, and I tend to second guess their intentions less (I suspect that's why it's common for people on the spectrum to connect better with children and animals).

Thank you for such a thoughtful response and for clarifying that it is definitely coming from a place of kindness, I appreciate that. My question is mainly in real life relationships.

My experience here has been surprisingly good, but this has a lot to do with the format – written communication that can happen on my time frame. The community here, too, seems especially accepting and supportive in a way that does not occur in my real life.

I have not successfully connected and talked with many others in real life as I have on this forum. While I value this new social outlet and this fascinating experience, I look around at my people in my life and I feel much more disconnected.

 

[Au Naturel]

I want to learn how to connect with people because of my nieces and nephews.

I am very grateful to have a few steady and successful long-term relationships in my life. My parents, for example, a few friends, and other family members. I am super grateful for this, but if I’m being honest the relationships feel logical, perfunctory, and driven by my understanding that human beings can go crazy or die from lack of contact with other people. I am motivated to socialize with people because I feel imminently aware that one day they will die, and I will hope that I treasured the moments I had with them. Social survival requires other people, and so I have found ways to successfully maintain what feels like important relationships.

But that’s all just sad. That’s not connection, as other people seem to describe and feel it.

I am very confident and comfortable with children and so I have been able to cultivate meaningful and authentic relationships with my young nieces and nephews. I’m good with kids, I love kids. But, as these little kids grow up and eventually become adults, they remind me more and more of all the people around me that are so difficult to be around and so confusing. I truly desire to have an authentic connection with them throughout their lives.

Is it possible to learn how to connect, or is it always an adaptive workaround if you don’t just feel it in your heart?

If you struggle to maintain connections, are there any exceptions? Are there any people that just stand out, and they break through, somehow?

Has anyone had success in feeling that you have gained something from these connections? I know it is the right thing to do, and so there is a sense of satisfying obligations, but I am not sure it’s more than that, and that makes me feel very sad.

If you want to connect, the one thing you can't let yourself fall into is the "I'm ok but you're not ok" position. You're both ok, you just don't understand each other which can lead to painful misunderstandings.

Learning how to connect? That's tough. Been at it for 66 years and still haven't figured it out. For me, that is the most disabling trail of all autistic traits. In a social situation, I do not run on instinct but instead, have algorithms. It is slow but it keeps you from social faux pas. What is more useful to me is the search for people to whom a connection is possible. Lots of swings, very few hits and one needs a thick skin.

As for maintaining a relationship with nieces and nephews. Treat them with kindness and do fun things with them when they are little. You have zero ability to predict how they will be as they grow older but at least they won't hate you. Don't be clingy. Their purpose in life is not to make you happy. Clingy or needy will drive them away.

Of course, I have gained something from my nonautistic connections, else I would not continue to pursue them. But as I said before, there are a lot of swings to get a few hits. Most NTs are NOT compatible with an autistic person as more than the most casual of friends. I hung out with people involved in nonstandard interests which is where I had the best chance. Science fiction club, D&D, war gamers, anime fans, nudists, the military, Mensa, looking for that simpatico someone - those are all male-dominated fields! But when you find one, you've got a pearl of great price.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Thank you for the clarification. I think I understand better what you are wondering about.

Struggling with in person communication is a very common struggle with folks on the spectrum. There can be various reasons for this, including a different tempo of verbal processing, acute anxiety and nervousness, as well as unusual tics and body movements which might make you less desirable to be around for others.
Personally, I think the more communicating and social stuff we do, the better we get at it, so I think it is actually a very good step for you to be on the forum since you get to communicate with others and see how others communicate between themselves without being on the spot. The problem is that people on the spectrum don't make the same assumptions and communicate differently than the norm, so this still doesn't give an accurate representation of most verbal communication you will likely experience.

There were many years when I had literally no friends, but now I am in a very different place, and many would think I am quite extroverted. The main reasons for this change are three, I suspect, though two of them are largely luck/out of my control (and the third is highly dependent on neurotype and motivation, so it might not work for you).​

---

1, I changed my environment. This is not possible for everyone, but when you spend a lot of time around the same people or in the same community, you become a "known quantity" to the other members so that even if you do change your behaviour and make an effort to get to know them, they still assume you act the same and have already made their mind on you, so your best change of getting friends is to connect with strangers rather than seeking after the friendship of people who have already proven they see you as "friendship material".
2. I got into a relationship (this is me being very fortunate and not meant as advice). When I was deeply social with at least one person, it really challenged me to see how other think and how best to behave in social situations. She is not on the spectrum (though she does have ADHD) which caused a lot of difficulties in our communication, but I ultimately learned a lot from being in a relationship.
3. I made a goal and put in effort to reach it. This one is heavily dependant on motivation and ability, and I fully realize that for some it is quite literally an impossibility because of the overwhelming nature of social situations. I got into a new situation, but this time I decided to really put an effort in to learn everyone's names. I (like many others here) was always terrible with names, but I came to realize that it was not so much that my brain has a specific "name gru" that eats up name information, but rather that I never had any interest in knowing names so didn't bother even trying to learn them. After deciding to learn names, I sometimes asked people 3-4 times in the same conversation what their names are, but now that I had a clear goal, it made the conversations oriented around them, which made them less stressful for me, and I got more training in being social (which made communicating with strangers in the future much easier).​

---

I don't think my own experiences are typical, but I like giving different perspectives on problems. The first step when it comes to any problems are identifying what the issues actually are, so I think that would be a good first step for you. Keep in mind that it still took me over a year from deciding to be more social till I gained a close connection with someone, and that was over the internet during covid with someone else on the spectrum (though we didn't know at the time), and I never got particularly close to any of the people belonging to the "name" group. However, I feel much more confident around people now, and I think the skills I gained are useful to have. If you lack interest and genuinely don't see a reason to connect with other much, I also don't think there is anything wrong with just doing your own thing and ignoring the pesky adults.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing/not doing! au Naturel's suggestions seem much more useful but his comment appeared before I finished writing mine. Also, it's half past 2 AM and I have work tomorrow, so apologies in advance for all spelling mistakes/confusing and overlong sentences.​

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes, it is possible but wont be a matter of just wanting or trying.

-This method has helped me a lot on my communication with my loved ones:

View attachment 82118
-Also this one is great to engage with not so special people:

View attachment 82119


-I have also studied a degree on non directive coaching for a year, not to work as a coach but just to improve my conversation and understanding of others.

-I have practiced on 7cups as a listener of people with problems, half a year.

-I have volunteer as a teacher in all kind of courses in my company and also did in the university, just to practice my "talking in public" skills.

-I worked as a seller in a shop to also improve my softs skills with people.

So, one way of another I have allways been doing something to work on my flaws and weak points. And I still have a long run to go.

So as I said: You can do improve, but wont be easy.

On the other hand it is rewarding. Im happlily married and have a wonderful daugther.

Also, if you get to the point were you can "function" properly, many autists will tell you that you just was born with those skills while many NTs will still notice you are weird.

To me it was worth it.

Amazingly and absolutely correct! Those of us who had the constitution to desire social goals despite our deficits, had to learn to assess ourselves, make changes, test it out, and re-assess. @Atrapa Almas, unlike you, I learned public speaking and defending my interpretations at seminars where you presented the status of your research. There the knives are out. Luckily I had some lessons in rhetoric from the Jesuits.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Answers: Yes and Yes, primarily because we are different. The Autism diagnosis might as well be a label of “Damaged Human”.

Stop that! A lie that I told myself was that I was damaged, and i didn't know that I was better than that, and only decades later did I recognize that my social immaturity interfered with my understanding. I was damned if I was not going to make myself into relationship material. And after trying out a relationship, I was just coasting, enjoying my research and my interests and I met an accepting woman out of the blue. It changed my life.

 

[Rodafina]

There can be various reasons for this, including a different tempo of verbal processing, acute anxiety and nervousness, as well as unusual tics and body movements which might make you less desirable to be around for others.

@Stuttermabolur, that was such a helpful post, thank you. Among many things I took from what you wrote, seeing someone explain this so succinctly literally brought me to tears. I am currently on the brink of viewing a life of confusion and sadness through a new lens of understanding. Sometimes when people on this forum describe a normal thing for someone who is neurodivergent, I lose it. I have never fit into the normal box before, and I didn’t realize that there is some normalcy to the way I am if I have the proper understanding of how my brain works.

Thank you again, for taking the time to understand me and to respond. And to the others reading this, too, the advice here is truly precious to me.

 

[Rodafina]

If you want to connect, the one thing you can't let yourself fall into is the "I'm ok but you're not ok" position. You're both ok, you just don't understand each other which can lead to painful misunderstandings.

Learning how to connect? That's tough. Been at it for 66 years and still haven't figured it out. For me, that is the most disabling trail of all autistic traits. In a social situation, I do not run on instinct but instead, have algorithms. It is slow but it keeps you from social faux pas. What is more useful to me is the search for people to whom a connection is possible. Lots of swings, very few hits and one needs a thick skin.

As for maintaining a relationship with nieces and nephews. Treat them with kindness and do fun things with them when they are little. You have zero ability to predict how they will be as they grow older but at least they won't hate you. Don't be clingy. Their purpose in life is not to make you happy. Clingy or needy will drive them away.

Of course, I have gained something from my nonautistic connections, else I would not continue to pursue them. But as I said before, there are a lot of swings to get a few hits. Most NTs are NOT compatible with an autistic person as more than the most casual of friends. I hung out with people involved in nonstandard interests which is where I had the best chance. Science fiction club, D&D, war gamers, anime fans, nudists, the military, Mensa, looking for that simpatico someone - those are all male-dominated fields! But when you find one, you've got a pearl of great price.

All I can say here is that one reason I love this forum is because I have all of this great advice in writing, so I can go back to it as a reference. I will be back to this post often! Thank you.