Life in shambles...

[NicoleAscot]

My girlfriend was "outed" as a lesbian. I'm her first relationship as her true self. (We're in our 30's)
Her job is at risk. Her family disowns her. Her friends ignore her. I've utterly ruined her life just being with her.

Add this depressing bit of information on top of my recent Aspie diagnoses and major depression I'm dealing with, and I'm wondering if my goal in life is to cause others pain. I don't deserve to be here.

 

[kay]

It's other people's bad attitudes that are messing up her life. You didn't ruin her life by being with her. It is not your fault at all that other people are being mean to her.

 

[NicoleAscot]

It's other people's bad attitudes that are messing up her life. You didn't ruin her life by being with her. It is not your fault at all that other people are being mean to her.

Her family is very religious and it's causing her a ton of problems. It's every aspect of her life. If I hadn't met her a year ago, this wouldn't be happening.
The treatment she's getting wouldn't exist. All I want for her is happiness, but simply BEING with me is causing the opposite.
And there's nothing I can say or do to comfort her.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Her family is very religious and it's causing her a ton of problems. It's every aspect of her life. If I hadn't met her a year ago, this wouldn't be happening.
The treatment she's getting wouldn't exist. All I want for her is happiness, but simply BEING with me is causing the opposite.
And there's nothing I can say or do to comfort her.

She chose to be with you. Remember that.

Surely you respect her opinion?

 

[Soona45]

I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through this. How awful judgemental people are! Please dont blame yourself. You are not the cause of this. If you hadn't met her a year ago she would still be a lesbian wouldn't she, she could of met someone else and I'm assuming her families reaction would of been the same. The fault is with the family.

 

[xudo]

All I want for her is happiness, but simply BEING with me is causing the opposite.

It's not really being with you that is causing issues, it's purely by being herself that's causing it. Surely she would still be a lesbian if she weren't with you, or if she was with someone else, and she'd still be facing the same issues - just because of other people's bigoted opinions. I can't claim to know how it feels, or what you both are having to go through, but try not to beat yourself up about it so much. Sadly, people who are this backwards in their beliefs do still exist, but they are in the minority. The vast majority of people don't care about other people's sexual preferences.

 

[NicoleAscot]

She chose to be with you. Remember that.

Surely you respect her opinion?

Of course. But when it's all my fault, I feel like such a horrible person.

 

[NicoleAscot]

I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through this. How awful judgemental people are! Please dont blame yourself. You are not the cause of this. If you hadn't met her a year ago she would still be a lesbian wouldn't she, she could of met someone else and I'm assuming her families reaction would of been the same. The fault is with the family.

She had hidden her orientation for over 30 years because of this very reason. Because of her religious/very judgmental mother, she married a couple men, but obviously that wasn't going to work out.
She comes out with me, and suddenly her life is ruined. She's crying while driving. She's been like this constantly.

 

[kay]

Of course. But when it's all my fault, I feel like such a horrible person.

None of it is your fault. None of it.

 

[Judge]

Of course. But when it's all my fault, I feel like such a horrible person.

It was never your fault. It's not like you enabled anyone into a relationship. If anything, your brought some happiness into someone's life. Perhaps for the very first time. You're part of the solution- not part of the problem.

 

[NicoleAscot]

It was never your fault. It's not like you enabled anyone into a relationship. If anything, your brought some happiness into someone's life. Perhaps for the very first time. You're part of the solution- not part of the problem.

Then why is my brain telling my otherwise? Why do I feel so HORRIBLE if it isn't MY fault?

 

[Judge]

Then why is my brain telling my otherwise? Why do I feel so HORRIBLE if it isn't MY fault?

Well...one Aspie to another many of us tend to gravitate and get stuck on worst-case scenarios. That it's easier to blame yourself. But it wouldn't be fair. Even more so it wouldn't be true.

Seriously, this isn't your fault or really even your issue. It's something your partner must work out with those in her personal orbit who object to her relationship with you. A social dynamic I can only guess which would be sadly common for anyone coming out after such a long time.

 

[Soona45]

She had hidden her orientation for over 30 years because of this very reason. Because of her religious/very judgmental mother, she married a couple men, but obviously that wasn't going to work out.
She comes out with me, and suddenly her life is ruined. She's crying while driving. She's been like this constantly.

Living a lie in the closet must be an awful thing. Maybe you have met each other at the right time. It's tough now, but she obviously needed to find someone special to come out with (I mean she can't keep marring men to please her mother) .That's you! You must mean alot to her!
This could be the start of a wonderful new life for you both

 

[tee]

I've utterly ruined her life just being with her.

Feelings of excessive guilt are something I've experienced with depression. It can be unbearable. One thing that helps a little is to at least intellectually remind yourself that the guilt is part of the depression and that you don't really deserve to feel guilty. Emotionally you might not believe yourself but it can make a little difference.

Guilt is confusing because everything is so interconnected people can find ways of blaming themselves for just about anything. It helps me to look at intent. You just want her to be happy. It sounds like her family is being destructive because of things she can't help. To me it's clear that you are a victim of the situation and the family has responsibility.

 

[NicoleAscot]

I guess this just feels different for me. For example, when someone is yelling/screaming/arguing I nearly have an absolute panic attack. It gets hard to breathe to think straight.

But this.... it's the same but with that overwhelming sense of dread/doom and gloom.

She's acting like the end of the world, too.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Her family is very religious and it's causing her a ton of problems. It's every aspect of her life. If I hadn't met her a year ago, this wouldn't be happening.
The treatment she's getting wouldn't exist. All I want for her is happiness, but simply BEING with me is causing the opposite.
And there's nothing I can say or do to comfort her.

If I were you, this is what I would consider telling her:

(1) I am sorry your parents cannot understand
(2) It is your right to be a lesbian
(3) Religion is a personal choice, and not a right for any parent to dictate
(4) Your parents are acting controlling and selfish
(5) You have a right to happiness
(6) Eventually they would have found out
(7) The pain will eventually subside, and things will get better
(8) Your 'outing' will be the start to your real freedom
(9) I will be there for you if your family will not
(10) We can grow and face life right now together
(11) We will be stronger from all of this
(12) I Love You (if this is the case)

 

[tee]

I guess this just feels different for me. For example, when someone is yelling/screaming/arguing I nearly have an absolute panic attack. It gets hard to breathe to think straight.

But this.... it's the same but with that overwhelming sense of dread/doom and gloom.

She's acting like the end of the world, too.

Hopefully I'm understanding correctly, but you're girlfriend if feeling despair, and seeing her like that is making you feel despair and powerless to help and maybe afraid? I'm trying to imagine and that does sound very hard if I'm describing it right at all.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Her job is at risk. Her family disowns her. Her friends ignore her.

Her job, her "family", her "friends". None of these are even remotely close to being your fault, you have no reason to feel guilty about anything. If her friends ignore her, then they're not her friends. If her family disowns her then to hell with them. You actually happen to be a friend who DOESN'T ignore her based on your previous posts as well as this one - so that makes you a good friend to her. You want her to be happy, so perhaps you could see what you can do for her to make her happy. You might be the only friend and family she's got - and you don't always have to be blood to be family, remember that. You most definitely did not ruin her life. I've been ignored plenty so I know what it feels like. I managed to make a few friends and I would never ignore them - and that feels really good, being a good friend to them, knowing that they have someone to rely on in times of trouble. Always keep in mind that if you love her, then she's one of a multitude of reasons as to why you DO deserve to be here.

 

[NicoleAscot]

Thanks everyone. Maybe this will pass. :-/

 

[ksheehan88]

I know what you mean about feeling guilt over something you shouldn't, I do it all the time. But this is not about anything you have done. Her "family" don't accept her for who she really is, whether you were around or not, eventually they would have known and it still would have happened. Be happy that rather than face the **** alone, she has your support and love when it happened. You will both get through this.