Life is unbearable

[sammysadness]

Hi all

I am glad I found this site and really hope to get some good advice because I don't know where else to turn. I have been told by a psychologist he thinks I have Aspergers and from what I've read I think he's right. This unofficial diagnosis explains a lot but doesn't make my life any better. I can't afford ongoing counseling and the NHS are worse than useless (I am in the UK). I spend around half my day reminiscing about the past. Half of this time is flashbacks from bullying and half is beating myself up over how I've behaved in the past. I became delusional, almost certainly as a coping mechanism, around age 11. I convinced myself the day I became a social superstar was just around the corner and ran around behaving like I was some sort of socialite. In reality I had a few friends, all male, no girlfriend (ever) and a really big reputation as a big talking degenerate. I kept myself from suicide for the past 25 years with a toxic mix of drugs, gambling and alcohol. I have a good job but have lost everything ~~I have, including a house I inherited to gambling. Every birthday and new years involves getting as drunk and high as humanly possible. To the outsider it might look like that's how I have my fun. The reality is that I have just passed another year, still not had a gilfriend, still not hold onto any money I'd made through my hard work, still not achieved anything. Now, with my life in tatters and increasingly lonely I am really struggling to find reasons to live. I haven't actually got suicide plans (yet) but had a cancer scare earlier this year and decided if the tests were positive I wouldn't take treatment. I really hope this is the right place for me as I am quickly running out of options.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Howdy! I believe you came to the right place - I joined last Christmas Day so this is my first Aspieversary! EXCEPT (and that's a big except - literally) I'm an NT! Ha! However, all the Aspies here welcomed me with open arms and, as you see, I'm still coming back for more! Stick around a little while and you'll see, you can be grumpy like me and still be happy!!!
Have A Very Grumpy Christmas!!!!!
(I just love Grumpy Cat can't you tell?)

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

It sounds like you're definitely in need of some stability in life. Hopefully, by finding some answers, and support, here, you might find that. It's encouraging that your psychologist is helping you to find answers too.

I've added a few links below, which may interest you.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Tony Attwood: Home

 

[Suzanne]

Hiyas

Welcome, welcome to the BEST forum on the Internet, where, soon your automatic pilot life will turn to warm and meaning

I am planning on trying to get an "official" diagnosis very soon, because the average NT only accepts the word of those who have names behind them.

I am British, but live in France now, for nearly 13 years I guess.

I personally do not need an official one, but I have a feeling that those in my life that need to know, it will benefit me.

 

[Heissonear]

Hello Sammy,

I've been one who lived decades without knowing I was an Aspie.

It helps now knowing "the why" behind the many life challenges (or problems) I faced and was troubled by in the past.

I've always yried to manage these life issues, like social phobia and public speaking, but now have better awareness of howcto manage AND live with them.

Being an Aspie to me is just being "different", and living with being different at work, home, etc.

God gave us our differences for multiple reasons. My wife loves my traits, how I'm quite, intelligent, low maintenance, etc. and often says "it must be nice being in your own little world" during times she has life frustrations.

I have found since "listening to Aspies" that many may have not been told or recognize their positives enough; many instead are introverted on their negatives. A hard wheel to stop and turn the other way, where more positives are in our minds and happening around us.

 

[LilyJo]

Hi Sammy,
I could have written the beginning of that post 6 months ago, afraid i wont be much help with advice on the alcohol and drug bit but i can understand the self destructive impulse. My condolences on your cancer scare, that must have been terrifying. I'd just like to say that I'm very pleased you are still fighting, it sounds very much like you don't want to die but are in a great deal of pain. You are awesome and strong in that respect. You deserve some help. I am also in UK and have decided against official diagnosis as there is minimal support available for adults and a lot of stigma. I'd like to pass on a few bits of wisdom I have gained from working through this nightmare! 1. You are still the same person you were before you were diagnosed. 2. This really does suck but there are ways around it - I have listed some resources I have found helpful at the end of this post! 3. To still be standing (all be it wobbly!) after what you have been through means you have an enormous amount of strength and you CAN get through this too.

As you are considering suicide you need to take that very seriously. Try a different doctor or go back to the psychologist you saw and straight out tell them you are having suicidal thoughts. You do have to be pushy though. I find writing down what I want to say and handing it to the person is best as verbal communication isn't my strong point.

If you want to pursue diagnosis then ring the NAS helpline they can send you info, leaflets and names of people to be referred to by your gp.

Helpful resources

I have found my local autism charity to be very helpful even though I'm not officially diagnosed. Google autism and your location. Most of them have helplines.

I found a book called Aspergers in Adults by Ruth Searle to be useful. I got it out of the library. Anything by Tony Astwood also! Rest of my book recommendations are related to girls with aspergers.

For general suicide intervention try Samaritans 08457909090 or Papyrus if you are under 35 08000684141. Saneline for mental health support 08457678000.

SupportLine - Problems: Advice, support and information this website lists other support services and helplines by problem.

There may also be support services in your area with low cost or free counselling. Google is your friend to find them.

Finally I hope you find this forum as helpful as I have! Stay strong and hang on in there!

All the best LJ