AuroraBorealis
Well-Known Member
For as long as I can remember, I have felt less physically and mentally resilient than others. I have felt like other people are able to pull through during limited amounts of time when it's necessary, even if they're tired, even if they're exhausted. Usually, I was only able to do that for a very short time, if at all, and then I would start feeling ill, like, when you're getting a cold or the flu, mixed with feeling close to tears, until I was able to get some peace and quiet, then I would recover quickly.
An example: When I was 16-17, I was in a scientific summer camp, which I absolutely loved, it was the best summer camp of my life. But it was also very densely packed with (very cool) activities. And after one week, over the course of a half-day, I started feeling bad, like I was getting sick, and I felt very anxious and tearful and just simply not well, so I asked if I could go back to my room for the evening instead of joining in the evening activity. And after about half an hour peace in my room, I felt perfect again, and spent a wonderful quiet evening on my own, after which I was okay again.
Interestingly, I didn't think of simply being exhausted. I don't remember what I thought. I didn't honestly think that I was ill, I only knew that I was feeling bad and that the only thing I wanted right now was to be alone. It actually took some effort to get me back to our dorm, because we were somewhere else, someone had to take me, etc., and I normally hate causing inconveniences, but right then, I knew I HAD to.
Or an example from right now: We are moving to another city, and the days right now are quite full and stressful, without much time to relax in between, and with the pending move. After 2 really full days, I sat crying on the floor, unable to do anything else, and was forced to change my plans for the next day to put in a break day. In comparison, a friend who recently moved spent several days with only limited sleep and food, renovating her new apartment and getting everything built up and sorted, and of course she found it exhausting, but somehow she was able to push through and keep going until it was finished. I helped her and had a meltdown after one day because I hadn't eaten enough, was oversocialised, and was physically very tired.
Same things on travels, during apartment moves, during physically and emotionally straining times. While I feel that others can pull themselves together and push themselves over their limit, although it's unpleasant, my body simply refuses. I get symptoms like I was getting ill or sick, or I get completely tearful and anxious, or both happens at the same time. Even when I really want to, I physically can't go much over my apparent limit. And that limit seems to be considerably sooner than it is for most people around me.
It frustrates and also embarrasses me that I simply seem to be less capable than others, because I am a physically (and also mentally, as far as I'm concerned) healthy young person. I have to keep within limits that others my age don't seem to have to this extent. Granted, most people around me are not autistic. But still. I feel like it's this external thing that limits me, and it embarrasses me.
I know that's in unhealthy to push through your limits, and that I shouldn't aim to do it anyway. But I would like to have the OPTION to push through my limits on chosen occasions when it's necessary. It annoys me that that option just doesn't seem to be there for me, because I simply break down before I get the chance.
Do you relate?
An example: When I was 16-17, I was in a scientific summer camp, which I absolutely loved, it was the best summer camp of my life. But it was also very densely packed with (very cool) activities. And after one week, over the course of a half-day, I started feeling bad, like I was getting sick, and I felt very anxious and tearful and just simply not well, so I asked if I could go back to my room for the evening instead of joining in the evening activity. And after about half an hour peace in my room, I felt perfect again, and spent a wonderful quiet evening on my own, after which I was okay again.
Interestingly, I didn't think of simply being exhausted. I don't remember what I thought. I didn't honestly think that I was ill, I only knew that I was feeling bad and that the only thing I wanted right now was to be alone. It actually took some effort to get me back to our dorm, because we were somewhere else, someone had to take me, etc., and I normally hate causing inconveniences, but right then, I knew I HAD to.
Or an example from right now: We are moving to another city, and the days right now are quite full and stressful, without much time to relax in between, and with the pending move. After 2 really full days, I sat crying on the floor, unable to do anything else, and was forced to change my plans for the next day to put in a break day. In comparison, a friend who recently moved spent several days with only limited sleep and food, renovating her new apartment and getting everything built up and sorted, and of course she found it exhausting, but somehow she was able to push through and keep going until it was finished. I helped her and had a meltdown after one day because I hadn't eaten enough, was oversocialised, and was physically very tired.
Same things on travels, during apartment moves, during physically and emotionally straining times. While I feel that others can pull themselves together and push themselves over their limit, although it's unpleasant, my body simply refuses. I get symptoms like I was getting ill or sick, or I get completely tearful and anxious, or both happens at the same time. Even when I really want to, I physically can't go much over my apparent limit. And that limit seems to be considerably sooner than it is for most people around me.
It frustrates and also embarrasses me that I simply seem to be less capable than others, because I am a physically (and also mentally, as far as I'm concerned) healthy young person. I have to keep within limits that others my age don't seem to have to this extent. Granted, most people around me are not autistic. But still. I feel like it's this external thing that limits me, and it embarrasses me.
I know that's in unhealthy to push through your limits, and that I shouldn't aim to do it anyway. But I would like to have the OPTION to push through my limits on chosen occasions when it's necessary. It annoys me that that option just doesn't seem to be there for me, because I simply break down before I get the chance.
Do you relate?
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