Underdawg
Active Member
I wrote a poem back in the 80's that related to my communication problems, which have been my way of life as long as I can remember.
Broken Bird
Little bird
With broken wing
She cannot fly
She cannot sing.
The pain is great
The birdie bound
So closely to
The cold hard ground.
Feathers ruffled
Crouching there
Her little heart
Full of despair.
She cannot sing
She cannot fly
She may as well
Give up and die.
Well, I am still alive. Still can't fly, or at least can't make left hand turns or telephone calls without major stress.
I have not had an official diagnosis of Asperger's or high functioning autism. I have been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome and my GP dismisses my issues as part of Tourette's. Maybe. I don't know. I scored 45 on the Asperger's Quiz on psychcentral.com. On the key it said 34 and up indicated autism likely. I am not sure if
I did not start speaking until somewhere between three and four and was a very strange child, crying a lot and playing weird things, like cracking rocks with a hammer to see the insides because I felt like the insides were more beautiful until I had piles and piles of cracked rocks. I also could not stand man made fibers and plastics and still can't. I was diagnosed with "selective mutism" and PTSD, the latter being from child abuse resulting from my non-conformity. I think the high IQ made it more difficult to recognize what was wrong. In first grade I was allowed to draw while the other kids did their work, mostly because the teacher did not want a meltdown and I was not like the other kids. I would get out of my desk and get under it. If she let me draw, I stayed in my desk and was less disruptive. When it came to testing time I got the highest grade in the class and had a high pile of artwork besides. I had no friends. The kids thought I was strange and did not want me on their teams and the teacher would try to make things better by letting me keep score. I did a lot of scorekeeping over the years! I also did strange things like leaving my shoes on the school bus because I could not stand tightness on my feet. I am a senior citizen now and have nice straight toes! I do however have a damaged inner self, mostly because of the rejection and punishments, which even included a cattle stock prod and such dramatic methods as hanging me down the hole of the outhouse by the feet and threatening to drop me in. My childhood pictures show a lost child.
I am now a mother of six, grandmother of ten, and am a widow now after losing my last and best husband to leukemia. Marriage was very difficult, all five of them! Communication has always been very hard for me. I could never discuss problems so would have to write letters to my husband, or write a poem.
One other interesting thing about me is that I relate very well to animals. I have lots of dogs and cats and have had other livestock when I was younger and have always been able to talk to the animals.
Professionally, before I retired, I was a graphic artist. I had one ideal job for awhile where I had a room to myself to work in and could easily discuss my needs with the boss. Most other jobs were hopeless and very short term. I still love art and my most recent passion has turned to toy making.
I also have a concern that my three year old grandson may be somewhere on the autism spectrum. His parents think he is a genius, which I believe may well be true, but he has some very different behaviors, like lining things up and stacking, constantly doing a little dance like he has to pee when he doesn't. He just does the wiggly movements. He has LOTS of meltdowns. He has an unbelieveable memory. He can hear something once and remember and repeat it correctly. He also relates to me better than anyone in the family because it seems no one else can understand him. He speaks very well for three, a huge vocabulary of high school level words, and is super good with logic. I have made some videos of some of this. He also likes to mess with people's ear lobes and gets in trouble from his dad for this. I suspect it may be related to Asperger's or Tourette's. My daughter is getting some counseling for herself, partly from having to manage Isaac and partly from having to deal with how her husband tries to handle situations, which borders on emotional abuse if it is not definitely emotional abuse. Isaac spends a lot of time with me because it seems like he is happy here because he is able to do his different behaviors and I am just fine with it. For example, if he is painting and has to do eighteen paintings before he can stop, he does eighteen paintings! He has a younger sibling who is quite normal and has no issues.
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