Living at home / living with parents

[DrBadStrings]

I'm curious to know how many other people are in a situation like mine. Living with either their parents or living with family, or even just living with roommates. I never thought much about it until recently as it's only been a couple months now that I've known I am autistic.

When I graduated highschool at 18 I left home for the better part of 10 years. Unsuccessful at University but I did complete my College Diploma and during that time lived a few times completely on my own, and a few times with room mates my own age. None of them with any disabilities unless you count immaturity. I was always mostly able to take care of myself though I did have a few run in's with the law due to alcohol. 9 months sober now.

After college due to severe student loan debt and a lack of employment I moved back home with my parents. The plan initially was to find work, pay off debt, and eventually get my own place. Well at this stage it's now been 14 years. And during that time I never really had the urge to leave. I always figured I would eventually get my own place but I just kept putting it off. Either telling myself I didn't have the money yet, or that there was nothing decent available. Then the housing market went nuts after covid and it's the middle of a housing crisis where I live so I put the thought off even further. And renting is a fools errand as you're just paying someone else's mortgage.

But then came the autism discovery and now it has me questioning myself. Have I put off the decision because subconsciously I need the assistance and stability that comes with living at home? I've even had offers from my folks to help me get my own place but it's never seemed like a wise decision. And I question my ability now to handle all the responsibilities that would come with owning my own place. I guess I'm just in an existential crisis moment in my life and trying to figure things out.

What I will say about living with my folks is that it isn't hell. We get along really well, and they are very supportive people. And now in their 70's I help out keeping the place running. Mowing, snow clearing in the winter, chores in general. I also help pay 1/3rd of the household bills so I'm not "freeloading". I'm just not independent like a 42 year old Canadian ostensibly should be. But with no partner, and no kids, and no desire really for either I don't really need my own place.

A small tiny home is a future goal of mine but even that will be built on my parents adjoining property and when I do inherit the main house I'd likely sell it as it'd be too much for one person to maintain.

I guess I'm just curious about living arrangements of those with Autism and what they've found works and doesn't work. And maybe just some reassurance that I'm not alone and that living at home at this age doesn't make me a loser.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It would appear that you have a lot going on here. Overall, looking at your situation, you might make a case for living with your parents, as long as you are contributing to the household in the ways that you are. The other part, is the age of your parents, likely working with their fixed income, retirement income, as well as you able to help out with the household chores and such. That's actually a big help for them. The cost on you is an ever-increasing level of responsibility for taking care of them. It might not be a much work now, but it will be as they age and physically and mentally decline in the future.

 

[AprilR]

In my country it is the normal thing to do to stay with parents. Since most people can't afford rent even with a stable job it is just cheaper.

I stay on my own since we own another house, and my relationship with my parents is not good. But it is some what of an anomaly in my country, to live seperate even when you are in the same City as your parents.

 

[DrBadStrings]

It would appear that you have a lot going on here. Overall, looking at your situation, you might make a case for living with your parents, as long as you are contributing to the household in the ways that you are. The other part, is the age of your parents, likely working with their fixed income, retirement income, as well as you able to help out with the household chores and such. That's actually a big help for them. The cost on you is an ever-increasing level of responsibility for taking care of them. It might not be a much work now, but it will be as they age and physically and mentally decline in the future.

I should mention that I have a, now at least, decently paying career. Been working for the same municipality for 13 years now. In Canada I'd be considered "middle class" income. Now my parents are both retired teachers with full pensions so they are decently well off as well. Income isn't an issue for us.

And you are right about the increasing level of responsibility taking care of my parents. There is a lot I do now that I didn't have to when I first moved back in but I don't mind. And some things like cleaning around the house I now actually have a cleaning lady come in every other week to help out.

 

[DrBadStrings]

In my country it is the normal thing to do to stay with parents. Since most people can't afford rent even with a stable job it is just cheaper.

I stay on my own since we own another house, and my relationship with my parents is not good. But it is some what of an anomaly in my country, to live seperate even when you are in the same City as your parents.

Yeah it seems to be a very strangely North American WASP type thing to automatically at 18 move out and establish your own place even if financially it makes no sense what so ever. I see a lot of my peers I grew up with that did just that, who are now seriously struggling because they bought houses they can't now afford with the changes in inflation and mortgage rates over the last few years.

 

[Outdated]

I'm envious in a way, you must have a nice family. And as you mentioned above, they're going to really appreciate you being there now that they're getting on a bit in years. When I was in primary school I was taught that that's how a family is supposed to work, supporting each other when needed. I don't even know if my parents still live.

There's a fair amount of stigma associated with adults that still live with their parents, more so for men than women. In a lot of cases that stigma is deserved, children that never grew up, never learned how to stand on their own two feet, in many cases never even tried.

Your situation is very different to them, you can stand on your own two feet and you have gone out and lived your own life and learnt how to be an adult. The fact that you have a good enough relationship with your parents to live with them again isn't common, you're a lucky man.

 

[Neia]

I'm curious to know how many other people are in a situation like mine. Living with either their parents or living with family, or even just living with roommates. I never thought much about it until recently as it's only been a couple months now that I've known I am autistic.

When I graduated highschool at 18 I left home for the better part of 10 years. Unsuccessful at University but I did complete my College Diploma and during that time lived a few times completely on my own, and a few times with room mates my own age. None of them with any disabilities unless you count immaturity. I was always mostly able to take care of myself though I did have a few run in's with the law due to alcohol. 9 months sober now.

After college due to severe student loan debt and a lack of employment I moved back home with my parents. The plan initially was to find work, pay off debt, and eventually get my own place. Well at this stage it's now been 14 years. And during that time I never really had the urge to leave. I always figured I would eventually get my own place but I just kept putting it off. Either telling myself I didn't have the money yet, or that there was nothing decent available. Then the housing market went nuts after covid and it's the middle of a housing crisis where I live so I put the thought off even further. And renting is a fools errand as you're just paying someone else's mortgage.

But then came the autism discovery and now it has me questioning myself. Have I put off the decision because subconsciously I need the assistance and stability that comes with living at home? I've even had offers from my folks to help me get my own place but it's never seemed like a wise decision. And I question my ability now to handle all the responsibilities that would come with owning my own place. I guess I'm just in an existential crisis moment in my life and trying to figure things out.

What I will say about living with my folks is that it isn't hell. We get along really well, and they are very supportive people. And now in their 70's I help out keeping the place running. Mowing, snow clearing in the winter, chores in general. I also help pay 1/3rd of the household bills so I'm not "freeloading". I'm just not independent like a 42 year old Canadian ostensibly should be. But with no partner, and no kids, and no desire really for either I don't really need my own place.

A small tiny home is a future goal of mine but even that will be built on my parents adjoining property and when I do inherit the main house I'd likely sell it as it'd be too much for one person to maintain.

I guess I'm just curious about living arrangements of those with Autism and what they've found works and doesn't work. And maybe just some reassurance that I'm not alone and that living at home at this age doesn't make me a loser.

I lived with my mother for most of my life.
It was expected of me. I was trained/manipulated into believing that my purpose for existing was to look after her, I was made to feel responsible for her happiness, while also being repeatedly told that I would never be able to live by myself, never would be capable to take care of myself. Which I found annoyingly bemusing and ironic, since I'd been caring for us both for most of my life.

My mother's plans, were for her to live with me till she died in her 90s. Unfortunately, she passed in her early 70s.

That was disrupting for me. Suddenly, I had no one to care for but my dog.
It was strange, scary, but also freeing.

I went from keeping mom happy, to doing whatever I want, within reason.

It's still difficult, 6 years later, but I've realised that being responsible for my own decisions, and actually being able to make decisions, is a very good thing.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I'm one of those who moved 800km away at 18. It wasn't a conscious decision but just something normal, since everyone we knew moved out at that age either to go to uni or for a gap year. For me, it was the best way. I learned to stand on my own feet, I developed my own personality and way of living, and while it's been tough sometimes, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Also, my home situation at the time was worse than bad, and moving out was the healthiest thing for me.

However, my relationship with my family's a bit complicated, and while I love them and like to visit them, I need the space and the knowledge that after X days, I'll leave again. If you have a good relationship with your family and have everything figured out well, then I'd say, do your thing and don't let people guilt you into thinking otherwise. The important thing is that both you and your parents feel comfortable with the arrangement.

I know a few people who decided to move back home with their parents during Covid, and I've seen positive and negative outcomes. For me, that was never something I'd consider. I know that my parents would take me in at any time if I needed it, and I'm grateful for that knowledge, but I would always try to handle things on my own if I could.

And renting is a fools errand as you're just paying someone else's mortgage.

I don't know the expression "a fools errand", but I guess you mean that it's stupid or makes no sense. I grew up thinking that renting is normal, so it's normal for me to rent since I moved out and keep doing so until, eventually, I found a place to settle down and buy something.

Now, I live with my boyfriend, which also seems rather unusual at my young age. I really enjoyed living on my own, but I struggled greatly with keeping the place clean and uncluttered. Living with my boyfriend, he helps with that, but I sometimes struggle because I can't be alone so much.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I don't know the expression "a fools errand", but I guess you mean that it's stupid or makes no sense. I grew up thinking that renting is normal, so it's normal for me to rent since I moved out and keep doing so until, eventually, I found a place to settle down and buy something.

You are correct in what that expression means. Right now at least in my own province the rent that most places are charging is 2-3x that of a mortgage payment. And that's with no utilities which you'd pay either way. So if I were to move out it would make no sense not to just buy a place. That way mortgage payments become an investment towards my future. Rent payments are just an investment towards someone else's future.

Though in dense urban areas renting is probably the best option overall, and likely the primary option. I happen to live in a more rural area.

 

[Jumpinbare]

My stepson is not autistic as far as I know. (I haven't seen signs). He is 41 now, and rents the "mother-in-law suite" at the far end of the house (essentially an efficiency apartment with its own bathroom, etc).
He works fulltime, but home and apartment prices in the area are so high, he prefers to pay me a much more reasonable rent. We get along well, and he helps with chores like mowing. He refers to "failure to launch", but he is in no way trapped here. He also knows he will get the house when I pass on, so he has an interest in helping keep up the house. I have heard that a lot of people his age are still living with parents around here.

 

[FilterFreq]

If it weren't for my wife, I'd still be living with my parents for sure. Being independent and being employed long-term is ridiculously hard for me though, so I'd really have no other choice, even though I have a great relationship with my parents (honestly, most of that is probably due to not living with them, though).

The whole 'loser' tag is just plain BS, and doesn't address what people actually go through. It's getting harder for even neurotypicals to leave home now, so I guess sooner or later we're all going to be 'losers' in one category or another. Society loves to demonize people going through hardships for whatever reason.

But, IMO, the best people get that tag anyway so I feel like I'm in good company