Living with a social NT partner

[Bolletje]

I apologize if this is a topic elsewhere, couldn't find it with the search function. So here goes:
I live together with my neurotypical boyfriend, with whom I've been together for four years. We get along really well and I love him to bits, but of course I wouldn't be posting if there wasn't an issue. He's the kind of guy that always has friends coming over uninvited, and loves this, whereas I generally don't want visitors in our house unless I've been informed well in advance (we're talking at least a day here) and have had the chance to politely decline.
In the past we often had people staying over as well. Because my boyfriend knows I don't respond well to this type of visitors, this hardly ever happens anymore and months have gone by since the last incident.
As I'm typing this though, I'm huddled in the bedroom with my phone and my cats, while he's in the living room watching tv with a friend that dropped by three hours ago. As soon as I retreated (which was after 30 minutes of forced conversation) my boyfriend asked if it was okay for them to hang out for a bit and I told him it was fine, as long as it wouldn't be too long.
When visitors are around I feel like I have to entertain them and keep offering them drinks and food and my house has to be clean. I hate feeling like a bad host, I hate denying my boyfriend the chance to hang out with his friends at our place, but at the same time I'm feeling increasingly angry over feeling imprisoned in my own house. I don't want to be the buzzkill that sends friends home when my boyfriend is having a good time just so I can feel like myself, but I'm hungry and I really don't feel like inviting this friend (who I like normally, as long as I choose to initiate contact) to stay for dinner.

Does this dilemma sound familiar to any of you guys? How do you handle this?
Any advice on a good compromise?

 

[Mia]

This happened to me for many years, about thirty when I think back. I'm an Aspie and so is my spouse, and for some time I liked having people around quite a bit. Still do, but only close friends, and not for too long. Now, he has his own space that he invites friends into, that doesn't interfere with my space. He's a musician and sometimes plays with other people.

It required a huge amount of work on my part; absolutely spotless house, extra cooking, hostessing and after awhile a loss of my private life and space. It left me unable to do things I wanted to do in my own place.

One day when he had invited people over to play music, (this was before the private space existed) I became angry. And said that if he wanted to invite people over, then he had to let me know the day before so I could clean everything, make sure there were snacks and soda and juice or whatever. He was angry too, mainly because he didn't realize how much actual work it was to have people over.

What I didn't want to do was stop his friends from coming over, and it seemed to be around mealtimes. Eventually I stopped obsessively cleaning the house, and told him he had to play host to his friends and offer them something to drink as well as snacks. He often forgot to do that, but I would place stuff on the dining room table, and simply leave it there.

We also discussed when they should come over and for how long. Not around mealtimes, and not too late at night, unless they didn't play too loud. Sometimes they would come over after I'd gone to bed, and that was okay with me. So eventually we both compromised on a few things and it worked out.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh my goodness me ( which I am using so much on here), that is just like me!

My husband is a marvel to me, because he says: just popping over to see such and such and I say: but surely you are going to let them know and if it is ok? Of course not, they will be happy; no worries and off he goes!

I live in France ( not French) and it seems to be a habit with them, to just drop in, which I hate so much.

It takes a great deal of courage to entertain, for the exact same reason as you have stated. A constant need to be seen as a good hostess.

Today, my husband texts me to say that he is bringing home another couple and I start freaking out. I need the toilet and was not dressed properly and he said 5 mins and so, I said: not a chance etc so I got 10 mins. He comes in before them and proceeds to put shopping on the counter and something else, which sent me into a meltdown. I was in a panic and horror, that people are turning up and he is emptying a bag?!!!!

Anyway, my meltdown was pretty bad and I escaped upstairs and got out of seeing them, but I felt resentful, because I could hear them laughing and I was stunted upstairs in the day time!!!!

They didn't stay for long, though. So I TOTALLY get you.

When I have to entertain, the two things that must be sorted before I can breath a little bit is knowing what I am cooking and that is under way and the table laid. The idea of laying a table whilst they are here, is unthinkable.

And yes, I would go hungry too, because I would not want to offer but feel obliged too. Socialising is just so bloody difficult!

 

[xudo]

My husband is a marvel to me, because he says: just popping over to see such and such and I say: but surely you are going to let them know and if it is ok? Of course not, they will be happy; no worries and off he goes!

I don't understand this either. My SIL always says "oh just pop in whenever" and I'm thinking to myself that will literally never happen. I always have to check with people that it's OK first.

When I have to entertain, the two things that must be sorted before I can breath a little bit is knowing what I am cooking and that is under way and the table laid. The idea of laying a table whilst they are here, is unthinkable.

I always have to know (usually a few days in advance) if people are coming to our house. My husband isn't NT, so I'm not really of any help really in this thread, but he doesn't seem to mind as much as I do about people coming over. Maybe it's because I also have OCD? Anyway, I have to have the whole house cleaned and everything in it's place before anybody comes into the house.

 

[Bolletje]

Such helpful replies! Thank you I have a bit of OCD as well, but my psychiatrist told me that's pretty much part of my Aspergers diagnosis. The guest today stopped by just as we were unloading our groceries, so I can relate to feeling awkward about that!
I had a good conversation about this with my boyfriend when our friend left. He's pretty much the exact opposite of me when it comes to unexpected guests, as he just goes about his usual business and doesn't feel the need to constantly entertain guests, but loves the fact that people feel like they're always welcome here.
He's compromised a lot already, in that his friends are no longer allowed to drop in at night or sleep over, without him obtaining my permission beforehand.

We've come to an agreement tonight that when someone does come over unexpectedly, I'll try to put aside my own awkwardness for a bit and just tell them that, while I like them, it's important for me to know what they expect from the visit and how long they plan to be staying. I'm skeptical as to whether I'll be able to say this though, as this would make me feel like the opposite of a good host, but hopefully knowing the expected duration of the visit and whether or not they'll be expecting dinner will help me cope better.

 

[Bolletje]

I don't understand this either. My SIL always says "oh just pop in whenever" and I'm thinking to myself that will literally never happen. I always have to check with people that it's OK first.



I always have to know (usually a few days in advance) if people are coming to our house. My husband isn't NT, so I'm not really of any help really in this thread, but he doesn't seem to mind as much as I do about people coming over. Maybe it's because I also have OCD? Anyway, I have to have the whole house cleaned and everything in it's place before anybody comes into the house.

Very relatable. The first few weeks I was dating my boyfriend he would also tell me to come by whenever I felt like it, but I always texted to propose a time and date to make sure it was convenient to him. He'd keep reassuring me that it was never an inconvenience for me to drop by.
When he gave me his house keys after a month or two I finally got the message that maybe this person really didn't mind me coming over whenever I felt like it. Too a while to sink in, haha.

 

[WittyAspie]

I second the idea of a private space. In the US we call it a man cave. Having a separate room where guests could go would reduce a lot of the stress. You would still have use of your house and not feel the need to entertain.

 

[Bolletje]

I second the idea of a private space. In the US we call it a man cave. Having a separate room where guests could go would reduce a lot of the stress. You would still have use of your house and not feel the need to entertain.

A man cave is definitely the plan for when we move to a new house, however, that's not an option financially for now. Housing is mighty expensive where I live, sadly.
Coincidentally, I'm in the middle of translating a book about man caves. What are the odds

 

[WittyAspie]

Are you a professional translator?

 

[Bolletje]

Are you a professional translator?

I'm a writer/editor, but occasionally I collaborate directly with the translator to make sure the language used is optimal for the age/background of the characters and the general style of the book.

 

[Rich Gray]

My wife (she is NT) and I go to my sister’s house on Christmas Eve, and then have her family over on Christmas. I am rather spent by Christmas, and need to rest. I often retreat into my bedroom, get something to eat, and take a nap. It feels draining as if I have a cold every Christmas.

My friends do not just pop by, and we usually schedule a game night. Most of them are a 30-45 minute drive, so this is likely a main cause. I may think that if they were closer that we would have more spontaneous gatherings, but I am not too sure.

My wife wanted to live near her two best friends so that they could pop in on each other, but that really never happens.

-----Tangent-----

My wife and I moved to a particular suburb of Chicago:

[1] So that she could live near her two best friends so that they could pop in on each other, but that really never happens.

[2] The house was within a 30-minute travel time from work.

[3] The house was affordable (middle-class area sharing a rather impressive high school with an upper-class area).

[4] The area had good schools.

[4.1] The elementary school (ages ~4-11) is currently ranked by Zillow as 7/10. The test scores seem to place the school in the following percentiles: 81.75% for math, 74.75% for reading and 83.67% for science.

[4.2] The junior high school (ages ~12-13): is currently ranked by Zillow as 8/10.

[4.3] The high school (ages ~14-17) is currently ranked by Zillow as 10/10, and is ranked 46/1,519 in the state of Illinois.

I am a bit excited about the quality of the high school, and hope that it will actually make a difference in the education of my children.

 

[WittyAspie]

I'm a writer/editor, but occasionally I collaborate directly with the translator to make sure the language used is optimal for the age/background of the characters and the general style of the book.

It seems like you are doing quite well with your career. Your job sounds very interesting.

 

[Bolletje]

It seems like you are doing quite well with your career. Your job sounds very interesting.

Thank you! It is a fun job. I'm an aspiring Radiologist, but I've been writing ever since childhood and editing since high school, so this is a great way to pass the time and make some money until i get that coveted MD degree
Plus, bonus points for mostly getting to work at home under my own preferred conditions and on my own schedule.

 

[Adora]

I have this issue with my NT husband,he is very social and likes having friends over and sometimes they even stay over night, I will talk and say hello but after awhile I need to go in my room for awhile and sometimes my husband will tell me to come back outside,my husband is the type of person that gets his energy from people but I find that after a while I start to feel drained.

 

[Bolletje]

I have this issue with my NT husband,he is very social and likes having friends over and sometimes they even stay over night, I will talk and say hello but after awhile I need to go in my room for awhile and sometimes my husband will tell me to come back outside,my husband is the type of person that gets his energy from people but I find that after a while I start to feel drained.

I know that feeling. I do get energy from social interaction sometimes, but that's only when I've chosen to interact with people on my terms (typically meeting friends at my regular pub where I feel at home, with the option of retreating to my actual home and solitute whenever I feel like it)