Living with an Aspie who has tantrums - Advice?

[Taryn]

Hey there. New to the forums, and glad to see they exist. I'm living with a friend who has Asperger's Syndrome and am very concerned for him. In our area, it appears that there really aren't any services for him and the most support he has is myself and a friend of ours. He frequently has tantrums where he is in a rage (but not physically violent to others or himself) and then will eventually get to the point of tears. Lately, he has been escalating and having them in succession. Currently he isn't stable with medications, but we're working on finding a betablocker for him that is natural to slow down his adrenaline.

Basically, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on the tantrums. What can we do to help him de-escalate? He's having legal trouble because of this issue and can't seem to stop himself from going into rage. I really do not want to see him go to jail again because of his mental health, and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help him. If you have any advice, it would be immensely appreciated.

~Taryn

 

[mporte25]

Im sure there are therapists in your area. He needs strategies that he can use when he starts to feel upset. Have you looked on autism speaks website for providers in the area?

 

[Spinning Compass]

What kind of things provoke his tantrums? Are they things that can be avoided or modified? For example, are they because of sensory overload or frustration at not being able to communicate/not feeling like he is understood?

Have you looked into various forms of meditation/relaxation therapy to help him calm himself when the chemicals of rage are flooding his mind? Perhaps a therapist who is skilled in dealing with autism can help him.

 

[Taryn]

We've found that beta blockers work for him. The tantrums don't seem to be based in his Asperger's because it is about rage and it's very threatening, but the anxiety factor helps perpetuate the tantrums and lock him in. He had a HUGE meltdown trying to wash one dish, in which our friend left and isn't coming over. I'm scared he's going to be put into fostercare (can't clean himself or the house or anything), and he's not taking the beta blockers that help him. I also showed him a book about meditation, which he bought and hasn't read. He's already been to jail once and I'm afraid, at this point, the only way he'll understand that these tantrums are extremely inappropriate is by going to jail again (which wouldn't be helpful to his mental health). I feel like no matter what I do to try and help him, I'm screwed and so is he. He manipulates situations into a perfect storm, and when I try to address him calmly, he'll use that as a way to go into one of his tantrums.

He's blaming and focusing on the autism, but that's not even what's really going on. If he can't address the fact that his rages are nearly homicidal, I'm going to have to find another place to live because I can't keep "parenting" him and cleaning up after him. I'd really like to see him doing well and have a live of his own outside of being my shadow, but he's not moving forward at all.

What can be done about this kind of resistance?

 

[Spinning Compass]

You don't say whether you own or rent the place you are living and whose name it is in. If you are living in an apartment building, I can assure you that your neighbors are probably well aware of his behavior. If it is your place I would kick him out. If it is his place, I would leave. The reason is, you do not want to be dragged into any legal issues that will arise because of his rages. Sooner or later, if it hasn't happened already, someone will call the cops. No landlord is going to ignore that situation for long. Either he will be evicted or you will be evicted.

It sounds like he is on a downward spiral and that jail is inevitable. It sounds harsh, but you need to save yourself. This man does not want to be helped. He thrives on situations like this and will only stop when someone makes him stop. I have friends at church who are dealing with a similar situation within their own family. It's very painful to watch. You need to think of your own safety. You can't save someone who refuses to be saved.

I can also assure you that if he goes to jail because he cannot or will not control his rages, his fellow inmates will have ways of dealing with him because they will not tolerate it and they won't be running to forums for advice. So it is up to him to decide. He either controls himself or others will do so. And I guarantee he will not like the way they do so but he will not have a choice. No, he won't be getting the mental health help he needs but he will not be in a position to harm himself or others.

 

[Arashi222]

First of all I am glad you came to this forum. Second of all I have to say that if you feel physically threatened by your friend then it is time to leave the situation. however, Aspies to have meltdowns and rages. These things can be triggered by numberous things for example, sensory overload, frustration, his schedule being out of wack, anixtey, they can be triggered by a situation as well. So my suggestion to you while Spinning compass has a few good points I would just say get out and let him go to jail. He needs help to calm himself and control himself. If you can't or unwilling to help him maybe get into social services that can help him with his mental health then find find some one who can. He doesn't need to go to jail because of his issues. His rages probably are actually caused by the Aspieness. I am sure he doesn't thrive on stuff like this he doesn't know how to be any different. I think seeing therapist for him would be a good thing. Good luck though

 

[Taryn]

Unfortunately, I think Spinning Compass is right. My friend told me yesterday he wanted to hurt himself and handed me a boxcutter. I called his therapist because I knew he was manipulating. I was so angry that he would do that because I have past issues of self-injury, but really, I'm probably just taking his extreme behavior far too personally. It hurts me to say so, but I'm afraid I do have to get away from him. I will be looking for other housing. It's just terribly sad and frustrating that things have gotten to this point. I think I've cared about him more than I wanted to admit to myself before. It really sucks to watch him act a fool like this on a daily basis.

 

[imagesbyholly]

First off- protect yourself. Perhapse it's best you don't live together.

Secondly- is it possible to get him to a naturopathic doctor to have him tested on his neurotransmitters? It's just a simple urinalysis test that any doctor can do ( but most don't). For example, if he has too much epinephrine/norepinephrine, there are natural ways of reducing it. They can also find out if he doesn't have enough seratonin, and the same for all the neurotransmitters. Some Naturopathic doctors (make sure it's actually a Doctor) are so fantastic, others aren't. I'd ask specifically about the neurotransmitter urinalysis test.

I'm taking rhodiola rosea and though I can't be sure it would help him, it might. It is one of the natural ways of decreasing epinephrine/norepinephrine. Magnesium foods (brazil nuts, spinach, pumkin seeds, etc.) as well as home made vegetable or chicken stock are also helpful for mental illness. This is all in the meantime, though. I hope he can see a good doctor.

 

[Taryn]

It probably would be best if we didn't live together. I'm going to do what I can to get my own place as soon as possible (could be some time since I'm waiting on a disability case), but I'm not sure if I'll be able to remain friends with him after that. Things have gotten so complicated as of late. I get so angry with him for acting like nothing's happening, which doesn't help me any. I wish he would talk to me honestly. It seems like I can't get him to open up. The headgames are so agitating, but if I ask him why he's playing headgames, I know he'll go into a major meltdown and try to go into the hospital, like he did yesterday when I asked him for help with housecleaning. And the thing about overstimulation - all he does is watch videos or play games on the computer all day, which is probably causing overstimulation, so when he's faced with anything, he flips out. I wish there were more support for him in our area, but even if there were, I'm afraid he'd be resistant to that, as well.

For now, I guess I'll have to do the best I can here until I can find somewhere else. I just hate watching him do this to himself.

 

[Spinning Compass]

One of the major questions when it comes to AS or any other mind condition is, to what extent is this person truly responsible for his or her actions? Can someone who has AS or bipolar be deliberately and knowingly manipulative? I think the answer is yes. There are some things they can't control but there are other things they can control and the trick is to know the difference. Personally, I don't buy the excuse that it is the disease or the condition if there is a pattern of behavior that shows purpose and intent (such as the boxcutter incident). Your friend knew exactly what he was doing with that, but he's counting on you and everyone else to give him a free pass because after all, he does have this condition. And as long as those around him continue to enable him, he will continue with this behavior--until the day he goes too far and he finds himself dealing with people who don't seek advice from forums but take things into their own hands. Not everyone out there is tolerant. Not everyone out there will look the other way. Not everyone plays "nice". There's some rough folks out there who truly do not give a damn about whether you have AS or any other condition and they will not coddle you. And when you are on the lower end of the income scale you are more likely to run into that kind than otherwise.