Living with Lefty

[franknbeans]

Hello,

I want to talk to you about my boyfriend. I'll call him, Lefty. We celebrated our first year anniversary in September. I love him but it's taken me a while to figure him out and I'm not sure I ever will.

He is undiagnosed (36 year old white American) but a lot of people including myself suspect he has Aspergers. My boss said it was like he doesn't have a left arm. I told my boss "well that would suck because he's left handed" hence the name Lefty. I've used the analogy it's like he has Peanut Butter, Jelly, and Bread but can't figure out how they go together to make a PB&J sandwich. I'm not sure which analogy is more accurate.

I've struggled with accepting some of Lefty's personality traits. When we first met, I thought he was just self-centered and spoiled. But now that I've gotten to know him, I know that is not the case. Some of his traits can be possibly attributed to other conditions. It's not that I don't want him to be on the spectrum or that I think something is wrong with him. It just more that I'm looking at all possibilities and not jumping to conclusions. I also think it could be Aspergers with another condition or conditions. I think it may be best to use bullet points for Lefty's symptoms

• constant and repetitive speech of mostly topics of small talk and he doesn't open up emotionally (could be anxiety, nervous talking, insecurity)
• deficient on showing true empathy with physical and emotional pain, it's not that he's not empathetic its that he not highly empathetic in most circumstances, it also usually has to be obvious pain, crying or some other reaction (this is the one I struggle with finding another explanation besides Aspergers but could be that his family is not touchy feely)
• Typically does not pick up on non-verbal cues (another one I struggle to find an alternate explanation, could be inexperience in relationships)
• he doesn't know or understand basic relationship rituals (ex-he didn't know to get me something last Christmas, he didn't realize how important it was to me to go with me to a work dinner, etc.)
• sex has been a challenge, he has undiagnosed ED, he almost always expects me to initiate (possibly stress induced or anxiety)
• non-confrontational/changes the topic when something is unpleasant (when I told him I'm upset I want to talk his reply was "the movie we watched was good") (possibly described by anxiety and insecurity or possibly his upbringing and thinking it makes him weak to have emotions. I also just learned about Alexithymia which is a definite possibility)
• Assumes when we have a major disagreement that I want to end our relationship
• selective memory
• he doesn't always respond to displays of affection appropriately (I said "I love you" one day his reply was "Thanks" possibly knee jerk reflex but it was weird when I know he loves me)
• when I tell him he upset me he usually attempts to "correct" it. It's usually not a fairytale but he does work on it. For example, last fall he would constantly pester me about my weight and tell me repeatedly "you need to loose that." Despite my efforts, he didn't pick up on non-verbal clues. But when I point blank told him "you hurt my feelings when you say that."

I've struggled with dealing with these things especially his inability to feel empathy. I've learned somewhat how to deal with him not picking up on nonverbal cues. But I'm working on it. I know he loves me he just doesn't know how to show it.

Almost 2 months ago I mentioned to Lefty about whether or not he had been screened for Autism or ADHD. He said no, attributed his traits to stress, and refused to see a therapist. His parents are wealthy uptight perfectionists who seem to think their way is the only way to live your life, very competitive and they retired at 60 with 6 figure incomes. And even though Lefty won't admit it, he is too a little bit of a perfectionist. So my point is that Lefty seems to believe that if he is diagnosed with a spectrum disorder or even if he gets therapy, there is something "wrong" with him. To me it would give an explanation to his behavior. So that's one issue I'm trying to deal with, but the reality is I can't get him to attend therapy. I realize it is something he needs to do for himself.

Two weeks ago he mentioned me moving in (I currently live with my parents), I told him "not right now." My dad was just diagnosed with lung cancer and we weren't sure at the time what the future would hold. Now we know my dad cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes and likely will not require chemo. So now I am more open to living with Lefty but he has been silent on the topic ever since. My therapist thinks that Lefty took my "not right now" as rejection when it wasn't at all. Last night before bed, he said "I like you being here" and I saw that as my window to open the topic again. When I said "I could be here more" he just changed the topic to something completely unrelated and I didn't feel like pushing the issue any further at the time. After we went to sleep, I started crying, he asked if I was ok, I said no, but it wasn't much more than that. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions with this more related to my own shortcomings. One spectrum trait he doesn't seem to have is obsessions. There is nothing I can pinpoint that is out of the ordinary for his age, sex, or upbringing. But now I'm wondering is that because I'm the thing he obsesses over? I don't think it is the case but its something that comes up in my insecurities.

I guess I'm just venting but any words of wisdom you could offer would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Keigan]

It sound like you know him well, potentially you understand that many of these traits will probably not change.

The question is:
- are your emotional needs being met?

 

[franknbeans]

It sound like you know him well, potentially you understand that many of these traits will probably not change.

The question is:
- are your emotional needs being met?

And there it is. You hit the nail on the head. I've been asking myself that same question for the last year. I'm still not all the way certain of the answer.

Sometimes my emotional needs are met. For example, I usually feel loved, I don't feel alone when I'm with him, there is a sense of comfort and security. The sense of being accepted. But the feeling of being understood and supported by your partner when things are bad? That one is the one that isn't always met.

I think some of his traits could improve just because I think his Asperger-like traits are turned up because of high anxiety. And also I've seen him improve over the last year because of getting more comfortable with each other. But I know he will likely never be fully "cured."

The question is can I deal with this? And the only answer I have right now is I've improved and I'm still trying.

 

[Keigan]

But I know he will likely never be fully "cured."

And there it is.... if you contemplate “cured” then you are not ready for him. That statement is so far removed from acceptance, words can’t describe.

Aspergers is a classification of Autism, which is a neurological condition not a disease.

 

[mw2530]

And there it is.... if you contemplate “cured” then you are not ready for him. That statement is so far removed from acceptance, words can’t describe.

Aspergers is a classification of Autism, which is a neurological condition not a disease.

I agree. I find it funny that you are upset with your boyfriend when you say he tries to "fix" "correct" things. Is that not what you seem to want to do with your boyfriend? It sure seems that you are trying to "fix" or "correct" many things about him, some of which he may have little to no control over. I'd say that is the definition of hypocrisy. Many of us are anxious or depressed b/c every day of our lives that we spend in our society we feel that people and society is trying to correct us or fix us when we don't need fixing other than alleviating the depression and anxiety. Maybe your boyfriend senses that you are also trying to do the same to him. Which causes him even more anxiety and depression. I have to deal with society and people trying to do that to me all the time, I sure wouldn't want to also have to deal with that from my girlfriend. Maybe what he needs is to feel some empathy from you regarding his daily struggles. Maybe then, he will feel more secure in giving you empathy if he feels heard first. I for one have not had many people feel empathetic to me for my struggles with autism. If someone was empathetic towards my struggles, it sure would go a long ways for me b/c I would feel heard and validated which rarely has occurred in my life and maybe his as well. I find it extremely hard to feel empathy towards other people's problems especially the many petty problems people have that I'm still supposed to be empathetic for. Yet, no one seems to feel empathetic for me. Most of us with autism try extremely hard to overcome our challenges, and it is so demoralizing when we fall short of the NT's biased eyes over and over again. We've already tried so hard already, that we don't know how we can possibly try harder so we end up giving up eventually because there is no use. Maybe that is what your boyfriend has also experienced.

 

[OkRad]

The bullet points do seem like a bunch of negatives which you do not like. If I dated someone who had THAT many things about me they did not like and was showing them to strangers, I would be MORTIFIED.

You cannot state he has Aspergers unless he is screened. Many many people think they have it and do not.

Lots of people come on here and talk about their Aspie in ways that would destroy the aspie if they saw it. When really, honesty is a number one requirement for most of us.

 

[Kari_Cookie]

The bullet points do seem like a bunch of negatives which you do not like. If I dated someone who had THAT many things about me they did not like and was showing them to strangers, I would be MORTIFIED.

You cannot state he has Aspergers unless he is screened. Many many people think they have it and do not.

Lots of people come on here and talk about their Aspie in ways that would destroy the aspie if they saw it. When really, honesty is a number one requirement for most of us.

There might be more things she likes about him but she didn’t list. Maybe she loves him so much even there are so many problems between them, she still want to find ways to get along with him.

 

[franknbeans]

And there it is.... if you contemplate “cured” then you are not ready for him. That statement is so far removed from acceptance, words can’t describe.

Aspergers is a classification of Autism, which is a neurological condition not a disease.

I don't know you and you don't know me. But the reason I used quotation marks was because I realized the condition cannot be cured and only be treated. I have two cousins with severe Autism, one is non-verbal, so yes I realize completely that it is a neurological condition that cannot be cured. But also was I supposed to accept him when we first met? It took me 6 months to realize he wasn't just being a self-centered jerk and he still refuses to get himself screened.

Many of us are anxious or depressed b/c every day of our lives that we spend in our society we feel that people and society is trying to correct us or fix us when we don't need fixing other than alleviating the depression and anxiety. Maybe your boyfriend senses that you are also trying to do the same to him. Which causes him even more anxiety and depression. I have to deal with society and people trying to do that to me all the time, I sure wouldn't want to also have to deal with that from my girlfriend. Maybe what he needs is to feel some empathy from you regarding his daily struggles. Maybe then, he will feel more secure in giving you empathy if he feels heard first. I for one have not had many people feel empathetic to me for my struggles with autism. If someone was empathetic towards my struggles, it sure would go a long ways for me b/c I would feel heard and validated which rarely has occurred in my life and maybe his as well. I find it extremely hard to feel empathy towards other people's problems especially the many petty problems people have that I'm still supposed to be empathetic for. Yet, no one seems to feel empathetic for me. Most of us with autism try extremely hard to overcome our challenges, and it is so demoralizing when we fall short of the NT's biased eyes over and over again. We've already tried so hard already, that we don't know how we can possibly try harder so we end up giving up eventually because there is no use. Maybe that is what your boyfriend has also experienced.

I've also experienced pain, depression, and loneliness. I am misunderstood as a shy, highly sensitive person. Very few are empathetic to my struggles. I've really tried to hear Lefty. He can't talk about much more than superficial small talk topics. I don't know how I can hear him anymore than I already do. And in the rare occasion he does talk about something deeper, I try to listen but I can't take his pain away. And he can't take mine away. There is also an argument that he doesn't see himself as potentially having a diagnosis (even of depression and anxiety) because he and his family believe something would be "wrong" with him. So would he experience the same stress of society's need to "fix" him when he thinks there is no diagnosis?

You cannot state he has Aspergers unless he is screened. Many many people think they have it and do not.

Lots of people come on here and talk about their Aspie in ways that would destroy the aspie if they saw it. When really, honesty is a number one requirement for most of us.

I never said he had Aspergers just that I suspect it. As stated in the original bullet points, I give a possible alternative for many of his symptoms. I've tried to be honest with him. I've tried to be open. I didn't want to have a discussion like this but I didn't know where else to turn.

There might be more things she likes about him but she didn’t list. Maybe she loves him so much even there are so many problems between them, she still want to find ways to get along with him.

Exactly! Thank you for pointing that out. There are many things I like about him. I just listed what may be relevant to his POSSIBLE diagnosis of Aspergers.

Not in reply, to anyone particular, but just an update on my relationship with Lefty. We spent Friday and Saturday night/Sunday morning together. After he changed the topic multiple times, I talked to him about our relationship and moving forward. He couldn't tell me how he feels about me and how he feels about our future together. I tried to understand how hard it may be for him. But I exploded Sunday morning because I feel like I am just a buddy and nothing more. His reaction to intense emotion was not a lack of feeling on his part, he was frustrated that I was upset. He was only thinking about how it effected him getting to work. To me, that is narcissism on both our parts probably. He felt my emotions he just felt how they effected him. I feel horrible because I struggle with accepting him the way he is. I feel like I've been put in a position to where if I don't accept him immediately and fully I'm being a jerk. It's really hard to care about him and deal with all his traits and all my issues stimultaneously.

 

[Keigan]

Well good luck, I took your “cured” completely differently.

 

[franknbeans]

Well good luck, I took your “cured” completely differently.

Thanks I apologize for the misunderstanding. I knew it wasn't the right word. I just couldn't think of the right word at the time.

 

[mw2530]

Many NT's seem to think people with aspergers are narcissistic. I'm sure some of them are. But b/c so many of us are literally just trying to survive day by day and feel constantly belittled by the world we become very defensive. And so we mainly think about ourselves and worry about what we need to do just to function in society. Even for those of us who are high functioning. W/out a good amount of routine in my life, I know that my job performance may very well suffer. And that job, however much I dislike it some days, is my lifeline to my independence. Which is one of the few things I have to hang my hat on. He may see you as a threat to his world.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I knew someone very much like that... She was the worst thing to ever happen to me and a big part of me hopes I never have to see her again.
(Though she had something called schitzo effective disorder which shares a lot of traits and behaviours with AS).

Some people can change, and some people can't.
Some people want to change and some don't.