Living with other people can be so difficult.

[Ros]

My adult daughter struggles to cope with sharing living space with her lovely partner and his teenage son. Very small irritations get way out of proportion, she can get very upset and want to live alone again , but it passes once she has calmed down. Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions??

 

[kriss72]

Yes, if I'm out of spoons then it doesn't take anything for me to snap - I don't know if she has asd? But the solution for me is to get some alone time, weighted blanket, NC headphones if it happens - maybe what you describe as calming down? for prevention it's about not getting overloaded - that is both sensory wise and mentally, which might be the challenge with 2 adults and a teenager, I wear NC headphones or ear plugs most of the time at home, when I'm not interacting with others in my household - if I'm about to get overloaded then I take a break, go for a walk, taking a nap, what ever is possible in the situation to refill my spoon balance - but it needs to be done before it runs out, otherwise I come to the snapping state

 

[Misty Avich]

I used to be like that with my family when I lived at home, in my early 20s. But I wasn't like it before then, it just developed when I was about 18. I got irritated by any little thing and would fly up in a rage, slamming doors and wanting everyone except my mother to stay in a different room from me. I think I just wanted it to be me, my mother and the cat. I really don't know why I went through that phase. I was having mental health difficulties at the time, and suffered too much with loneliness - even though it sounds ironic that loneliness caused me to want the house quieter. I grew out of it though when I first met my boyfriend (now husband) at age 24. I suddenly felt able to rise above trivial little things and appreciate my lovely family rather than resent them.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome, @Ros.

Is your daughter autistic?
Are you here to try to help her by conveying our answers to her?
Do you think she might like to join the forum?

Many of us have discussed the idea of needing quite a lot of space when living with another person. This includes physical space (a comfortable place for alone time) as well as emotional space (time to process thoughts and feelings). It is important to have enough built in space into any relationship or living situation so that there can be adequate time to process things and recharge when needed. Communication is key for most of the successful shared living situations that people on the forum have talked about.

 

[Judge]

My adult daughter struggles to cope with sharing living space with her lovely partner and his teenage son. Very small irritations get way out of proportion, she can get very upset and want to live alone again , but it passes once she has calmed down. Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions??

Assuming she is on the spectrum, it's why some of us must be able to sustain some regular degree of solitude to balance out the daily stress of interacting with others. Regardless of how others may or may not be especially close to us.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. I agree with others that it may be good for her to explore ways of communicating when she needs some time to herself, and for others to recognize when she may be overwhelmed or otherwise in need of support so that everyone can best adapt to everyone else's needs.

 

[Tom]

I know the feeling but its not easy to relate the long sequence of getting it under control. Has she ever seen a therapist? That is what I would suggest.

 

[Fino]

I need a lot of anxiety medication to handle living with people for that very reason.

 

[tazz]

Very small irritations get way out of proportion

You probably didn't mean it in this way, but just to be clear, those irritations perhaps are not so small to your daughter. Her response may be proportional to the amount of discomfort she's experiencing.

The problem you describe also affects me. I think it's because i) my autistic brain craves order, routine and sameness but with other people in the house the environment is constantly changing and unexpected things are happening all the time; and ii) my autistic brain finds it difficult to process language - and living with others there always seems to be chatter going on. Spoken conversation can range from a little irritating to distressing and painful. If I'm well-rested and calm I can cope with it fairly well for a while. Or it can become very uncomfortable if I'm tired or I've experienced too much talking during the day. Or sometimes it can become almost like it's a physical pain, like someone jabbing a needle in my thoughts, and I snap and shout at people or run away from the situation because I need (not want) the talking to stop. I've worked with a few autism specialists this year to explore this and concluded that it's not something I have any control over directly - the only effective solution is to have lots of quiet time on my own and try to get out of situations as soon as I feel I'm becoming uncomfortable, before I snap - which is not easy because the time between noticing I've got a problem and it becoming unbearable is usually only a few minutes. With practice I am getting a bit better at it.

 

[Outdated]

ii) my autistic brain finds it difficult to process language - and living with others there always seems to be chatter going on. Spoken conversation can range from a little irritating to distressing and painful. If I'm well-rested and calm I can cope with it fairly well for a while. Or it can become very uncomfortable if I'm tired or I've experienced too much talking during the day. Or sometimes it can become almost like it's a physical pain,

Thank you for this description, it very eloquently describes exactly what happens to me. And I don't cope very well at times, especially if tired. The trouble is that when I've been stressed like this it can take many hours for me to calm down enough to sleep, and then after not enough sleep I get woken by the chattering monkeys again.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

You probably didn't mean it in this way, but just to be clear, those irritations perhaps are not so small to your daughter. Her response may be proportional to the amount of discomfort she's experiencing.

The problem you describe also affects me. I think it's because i) my autistic brain craves order, routine and sameness but with other people in the house the environment is constantly changing and unexpected things are happening all the time; and ii) my autistic brain finds it difficult to process language - and living with others there always seems to be chatter going on. Spoken conversation can range from a little irritating to distressing and painful. If I'm well-rested and calm I can cope with it fairly well for a while. Or it can become very uncomfortable if I'm tired or I've experienced too much talking during the day. Or sometimes it can become almost like it's a physical pain, like someone jabbing a needle in my thoughts, and I snap and shout at people or run away from the situation because I need (not want) the talking to stop. I've worked with a few autism specialists this year to explore this and concluded that it's not something I have any control over directly - the only effective solution is to have lots of quiet time on my own and try to get out of situations as soon as I feel I'm becoming uncomfortable, before I snap - which is not easy because the time between noticing I've got a problem and it becoming unbearable is usually only a few minutes. With practice I am getting a bit better at it.

I experience the same thing, only I can't tell if it's the talking or something else. It's the worst if I need to be actively present in the interaction, and gets worse if the other person talks much. My worst situation is a one-on-one conversation I did not actively choose myself, with a person who's very focused on me and keeps rambling on (not meant disrespectfully) about something not particularly interesting. I can blow up within few minutes.

@Ros: I feel like most things have been said. I only want to add: it can get better (but doesn't have to, if nothing changes). We know nothing about your daughter, but please try to understand why this is being so hard for her. Maybe she'll tell you if you ask. If you experience this massive discomfort about people being in your safe space, even though you love them, it's a very narrow path between shame and other people just not understanding. However, maybe something else is the issue. We don't know that.
I hope things get better for your daughter!

 

[tazz]

I experience the same thing, only I can't tell if it's the talking or something else. It's the worst if I need to be actively present in the interaction, and gets worse if the other person talks much. My worst situation is a one-on-one conversation I did not actively choose myself, with a person who's very focused on me and keeps rambling on (not meant disrespectfully) about something not particularly interesting. I can blow up within few minutes.

I agree with this. Maybe I wasn't very precise with my brief summary. But yes, the worst for me is casual two-way conversation where I am expected to interact directly with someone. I can become overwhelmed quickly.

An interesting point I found when I explored this topic in my own life is that I actually find it quite calming to be in a noisy environment as long as I can't hear any specific talking. Like in a large shopping mall, the background hum of hundreds of people talking when I can't make out individual words is quite calming. But if I'm in a cafe and there are a few others present at other tables, and I can actually hear their sentences and make out the words, I find it distracting and eventually overwhelming. That doesn't happen if I'm in a cafe in another country where I don't speak the language... I can't decipher the words so it doesn't activate that part of my brain that processes language.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

My adult daughter struggles to cope with sharing living space with her lovely partner and his teenage son. Very small irritations get way out of proportion, she can get very upset and want to live alone again , but it passes once she has calmed down. Does anyone else do this? Any suggestions??

Me and my mum struggled to live together.
I hated living in shared accommodation because I tried but people got on my nerves and I was really sick so extra sensitive.
Like just small gripes like a boy who ate moldy food, listened to his music everyday behind my door the same stupid songs every single day almost, left sugar and bitten bread everywhere, talked always about mental hospital and weight and said dumb things like does eating chicken make women's boobs big and animals are God's creatures which some things he said were true and he was a big gentle boy and no harm meant but so annoying at times and I probably annoyed him too
And other people I lived with that had bad habits including mentally ill people who were very messy and very unwell and I just wanted to be away from.
And my mum and me were a disaster because I needed to eat at a certain time and she was always slow and we got into each other way and my adhd kept her up at night and she liked to watch TV a lot sometimes all day and I liked to listen to music at times and have peace and quiet at others from talking too.
And one good thing about her leaving was not so much being able to listen to music at times but the Peace and quiet from the TV and her and her being in my space and mine in hers and wanting to talk is I could go to bed and just be in quiet with books.
But also the quiet was deafening. because in some ways it was hard and I still missed her.