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Lonely but feel not good enough! Need friendships?

Melissa Kay

Melissa Kay

Grateful Member
Hi all,
I am very grateful to be on here. I belong to several groups where the people there "have" to be my friends, but I don't have a lot of friends otherwise. I usually call them, and not the other way around. So grateful to be close to family - they live close too. I have a boyfriend, who I am grateful for. I usually mimic what others do to have superficial relationships, like people at stores and coffee shops (the clerks). But, I feel very out of the loop, different. Like I don't have good social skills. I usually think others don't like me, even though I think I am good at socializing other times too. Usually I'm good superficially, but after that, I get fears and such. I think very negative thoughts when this happens. I kind of get paralyzed. I am going to look for an AS group or social skills group near me but not sure if this town is big enough. I have to be grateful for the few in my life and maybe be content with that. I am glad to have met you all online. What do you guys think? Do you relate? I have my mother, spiritual advisor (and past one), boyfriend, and a few others. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who mimics others to get along. What is the next step? Thanks for reading this.
 
There is my older sister and my mother live in a different part of the country. But for my family as a whole, I don't feel like I have a family at all. I think my new family is my fish I bought today. I just arrived home a few minutes ago. I'm going to setup his tank. I don't have a name for him yet. I will post pictures when I'm done.
 
I like fish too. I think I'll buy a betta. They are very peaceful. Also, I would like friends my own age and not older or younger like usual. But maybe I just need to accept who I have in my life and who I am. Also, Penguin, watching fish is supposed to lower your blood pressure. Thanks for the idea!
 
The Penguin said:
There is my older sister and my mother live in a different part of the country. But for my family as a whole, I don't feel like I have a family at all. I think my new family is my fish I bought today. I just arrived home a few minutes ago. I'm going to setup his tank. I don't have a name for him yet. I will post pictures when I'm done.
Click to expand...
PS - I'm excited to see your pictures of your new guy or gal!
 
Melissa Kay said:
I like fish too. I think I'll buy a betta. They are very peaceful. Also, I would like friends my own age and not older or younger like usual. But maybe I just need to accept who I have in my life and who I am. Also, Penguin, watching fish is supposed to lower your blood pressure. Thanks for the idea!
Click to expand...
Yup, I got a betta. Your going to find the fish tank very interesting. Everyone will understand soon.
 
I completely recognize what you are saying melissa, I have the same problem, but I kinda accepted it. But I still hope to find some fun friends :)
 
I'm 52 years old, so I've learned to be content with the friends I have at this point. I know, though, you need more opportunities to socialize when you're young. I mimicked my way through most of my life, and I never felt I was good enough. Still, you can't expect to have numerous deep relationships with others. Superficial relationships are all you really need to have fun with people. You seem to have the basics covered with a boyfriend and close family though. You may have to be patient and wait to find yourself a close relationship with a girlfriend (or guy-friend, if your bf will allow it) who enjoys similar interests. It's not impossible; it just takes time.

Have you looked online for classes to improve social skills? I'm sure there must be some available. Check out the resources here on AC and see if there is an AS organization you could call. Maybe they can recommend something online or even in your area. If there are any cat groups in your area that meet regularly, that could be a good place to socialize with like-minded people. If you're like me, you can talk about cats all day. :)
 
Thanks so much Cali Cat! I will look into those groups. I could talk about cats all day too! Thanks for your support. Going to see my folks right now. Talk to you later. I will have to reread what you said, very useful!!
 
I think superficial friendships make you really feel like you aren't friends. Its just a mask, you start to wonder what people really think about you behind the mask. For me, I prefer to have 2 or 1 friend/s who have the deepest connection with me, those who are willing to come with me to the abyss, those who stand up for themselves and those who I can discuss certain issues with without hesitation.

Rather than 200 superficial ones.

I think that with you, even though you have friends, do you truly feel like you are friends by the mask? Do you feel as if, even though they're your friends, you have to mimic certain actions which feels unnatural and just doesn't feel like your talking to a friend but just reading a script?

For me, I have very high standards for friends. Not acquaintances but friends. A chance of someone being my friend is 5%. The people who I consider a friend are very rare. A friend is like a gem that you find within a bunch of rocks. I think the internet allows you to find more gems at places where there are more gems (This site which has a lot of gems).
 
I did not have anyone I would have called a friend until earlier this year, I am 35, for frame of reference. Prior to that, I was abused, mistreated, lied to and generally ignored by the world. Always go for quality over quantity, and depth over superficial.
 
You guys are great. I totally relate to wearing a mask and using a script! And quality over quantity is a good reminder. Thanks so much. I wanna print out this feed and reread it!
 
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