Looking back on my old threads

[Markness]

I was looking back on my old threads, especially in regards to my struggles in getting a girlfriend and making head way in my life. Some common things I was told to do was to do things like find a Meet Up group or club, go back to college, volunteer, and get a new job. I can see how these things would work in theory but for some reason, they don’t present any new doors for my life or the odds are against me when I attempt them. I’ve been a part of two different gaming Meet Up groups and I always got pushed to the wayside in them despite my best efforts to fit in socially. I’ve attended college for years on end sometimes but I never figure out what my niche is and I still struggle socially despite my best efforts.

Volunteering isn’t considered to be anything of value since it doesn’t involve drinking, smoking, being aggressive, watching football, or speeding cars, all things which constitute 99.9% of the social atmosphere in my area. I’ve applied for a new job back in November and I still haven’t been called back for an interview. I’ve actually have been the one to call to ask for updates and I just keep getting told to wait.

 

[Thinx]

Maybe also, start thinking of what you like about daily life, and try to have more of it in each day. Also making a point of noting what was good each day, as there's so much to be grateful for in life. You ate. You have work and a wage. You are physically able. You can enjoy a walk or hobbies, reading or drawing. Everyday there are opportunities for growth and development, or simply enjoyment of the world. Try to focus on that.

It's a strange time for jobs, maybe they froze the recruitment.

 

[Markness]

Maybe also, start thinking of what you like about daily life, and try to have more of it in each day. Also making a point of noting what was good each day, as there's so much to be grateful for in life. You ate. You have work and a wage. You are physically able. You can enjoy a walk or hobbies, reading or drawing. Everyday there are opportunities for growth and development, or simply enjoyment of the world. Try to focus on that.

It's a strange time for jobs, maybe they froze the recruitment.

Will doing those things actually change my life, though? I’ve made attempts to take charge of my life and direct it differently but I keep hitting dead ends. It’s really discouraging not making any progress while others get what they want with no trouble. Even my cousins who I knew since they were babies are getting college degrees, starting careers, getting married, and having their own children while I don’t even have half the credits required for an Associate’s degree, I still only work part-time at a go nowhere job, I can’t even get a coffee date, and I can’t even realistically think about becoming a father.

I really wish I could post about finally finding a loving partner and that my life is going somewhere. Why did the things that people tell me to do worked for them but not me?

 

[Thinx]

I guess because you have different sensitivities and characteristics, plus maybe you come from a lucky and achieving family, but many people actually don't have these things easily. You can resent it all you want, it won't improve your life to have an attitude of resentment, because unfortunately life is not fair. We have to work with what we are given.

There's no magic answer to this Markness, but you do have plenty of talents and abilities, it's up to you if you work on yourself or not. If I hadn't done so, I would not have got a life that's been independent and overall enjoyable. Most of us with autism in the mix have to work a bit harder for things.

 

[Markness]

I guess because you have different sensitivities and characteristics, plus maybe you come from a lucky and achieving family, but many people actually don't have these things easily. You can resent it all you want, it won't improve your life to have an attitude of resentment, because unfortunately life is not fair. We have to work with what we are given.

There's no magic answer to this Markness, but you do have plenty of talents and abilities, it's up to you if you work on yourself or not. If I hadn't done so, I would not have got a life that's been independent and overall enjoyable. Most of us with autism in the mix have to work a bit harder for things.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t post anymore.

 

[Thinx]

It's fine to post. But as well as posting, can you try some self development ideas? I know you have said you try but in the end, we do have to keep trying to find something that works for us. From what you say, you are probably going to need to keep working hard on your self development, ultimately it's the key to improving life, also think about self acceptance and working on what's positive, which is plenty in your life from what I can tell.

Vaccines are on the way, life will improve and you can find more self development options, as well as hopefully get less dissatisfied with yourself and others. You sound like an ok person, but you tend to over emphasise the downsides when it would be so much more helpful to yourself to take some small action towards a goal you want, and follow through. Try listening to self help recordings and motivational meditations.

 

[Owliet]

I never thought that I would be able to do even half the things that I have succeeded at. If I’m being totally honest, I didn’t really expect to make it through my teens, let alone reach 25. Whilst there are things that I need to work on, it’s the acknowledgement that yes, they’re hard...even Thinking that they are near impossible but to try to overcome obstacles themselves is rewarding in itself. I’m not saying it’s easy, or even met without struggle. Or frustration, tears etc... I’ve had plenty of failures and upsets and I have felt envious that there are other people who are seemingly doing better and have these things come almost easily to them. But being envious and resentful doesn’t make anything easier. I found that it makes it a lot worse than it is...

I was looking back on my old threads, especially in regards to my struggles in getting a girlfriend and making head way in my life. Some common things I was told to do was to do things like find a Meet Up group or club, go back to college, volunteer, and get a new job. I can see how these things would work in theory but for some reason, they don’t present any new doors for my life or the odds are against me when I attempt them. I’ve been a part of two different gaming Meet Up groups and I always got pushed to the wayside in them despite my best efforts to fit in socially. I’ve attended college for years on end sometimes but I never figure out what my niche is and I still struggle socially despite my best efforts. Volunteering isn’t considered to be anything of value since it doesn’t involve drinking, smoking, being aggressive, watching football, or speeding cars, all things which constitute 99.9% of the social atmosphere in my area. I’ve applied for a new job back in November and I still haven’t been called back for an interview. I’ve actually have been the one to call to ask for updates and I just keep getting told to wait.

Joining clubs isn’t easy. Whilst I joined them in my first year, I didn’t socialize with them. That’s my fault. I didn’t put the effort in and expected people to come to me. Unfortunately, it may happen for other people but I had to really put in the effort. I made mistakes. I have a lot of regrets but meeting other ASD people at uni really helped. Most of them were much more social than I was, and as I spent more time with them it helped gradually make me more confident in approaching people. But again, it wasn’t easy. Really had to work at it.

Ithink I said this in your other thread but if college isn’t for you, there’s no shame in not taking that path. If you are jumping around on different courses, it seems to me that you don’t really know what you want to do and that’s also affecting your college life. I think you need to ask yourself, what you want to achieve out of attending college.


“Volunteering isn’t considered to be anything of value since it doesn’t involve drinking, smoking, being aggressive, watching football, or speeding cars, all things which constitute 99.9% of the social atmosphere in my area.“

I’ve only ever volunteered for animals and archaeology stuff. Whilst I did not socialize actively with other people and I definitely wasn’t friends with them, I would say that volunteering is valuable in itself, plus it looks good on resumés. It also may seem like those aspects are common or even expected but I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to claim that this is the case — I only say that because I genuinely believed that it was uni life for students to party and drink excessively and I didn’t fit that mold so it greatly influenced my social attempts during that first year. It takes some digging around but there are people who don’t do these things .



Things are a bit more crazy than otherwise due to Covid, and it’s had a ripple effect over many areas and has affected many people. Jobs especially. Hopefully it will improve this year.



I agree with Thinx. You have talent and ability and you can use them. It takes time. It’s not an easy thing either. With ASD, it just makes it a little bit more difficult than it would be otherwise. Nothing really is impossible. It just makes us more determined and resilient in the end.

 

[OkRad]

Just for the other side of reality.....there are MANY autistics who work on self improvement and try as hard as the next guy and even more------and still fail miserably.

I read somewhere that they #1 cause of death for autistics is suicide. Most are not suiciding, but the fact is, you can put as much effort as you want and more and still fail.

Luck has as much to do with success as hard work. I don't know what to tell you, @Markness because there is no way to predict anything.

But you should try to accept the present as it is because it is all you have right now. If you can work on acceptance you may find yourself less resentful and THAT will open more doors. People sniff out resentfulness quickly and don't like it.

Start on one thing, maybe therapy. There is ACT therapy that helps people accept. And move from there. But yes, you should still post. We like you here even if we don't have the answers.

 

[Misery]

Will doing those things actually change my life, though? I’ve made attempts to take charge of my life and direct it differently but I keep hitting dead ends. It’s really discouraging not making any progress while others get what they want with no trouble. Even my cousins who I knew since they were babies are getting college degrees, starting careers, getting married, and having their own children while I don’t even have half the credits required for an Associate’s degree, I still only work part-time at a go nowhere job, I can’t even get a coffee date, and I can’t even realistically think about becoming a father.

I really wish I could post about finally finding a loving partner and that my life is going somewhere. Why did the things that people tell me to do worked for them but not me?

Just something to keep in mind:

Just because something LOOKS like it went over with no trouble for someone you know.... doesnt mean that it DID go over with no trouble for them. It merely means that this is how it appears, and appearance is important. Or, so everyone is told. In this era of Bloody Stupid Facebook, people are more inclined to fake it then ever. Never assume something is oh-so-easy for whoever, no matter how it looks or what they told you. Rather, assume that there's trouble you arent seeing. As that's usually the case.


Also, you said this:

Will doing those things actually change my life, though?

YES. Yes. Yes indeed it can, if you let it. Every now and then, on this forum, I give a bit of advice to someone which basically consists of "get some new hobbies" with a bit of examples and such attached. If you've seen me post that, you might have also seen where I'll almost always add the line "you never know where a hobby will take you". There's darned good reason why I always say that.

In my own case... it was exactly one freaking video game that did it, changed my whole bloody existence. No, I'm not going to talk about which one or what specifically it did, that's a ramble for maybe another day, perhaps. Regardless, it seems so strange to think about it, and wonder what things would be like if I hadnt found that game. Or to wonder just how a freaking video game could do that. But it did. It later happened a second time, though: I'd always dreamed of being able to make a game of my own, but kinda figured I'd never be able to... what with the lack of a proper "career" and college degree. But that was a foolish assumption. I did, in fact, get to do it... and it was the existence of another very specific video game that got me that opportunity. Which again, sounds silly on paper, but that's how it is. I ended up getting to finally do that one thing I'd always wanted. Which, then, led to other interesting things later on.

Some people say that hobbies like that are a waste of time. Those people are... incorrect, to put it in a friendly-sounding way. Hobbies, as I said, can TAKE YOU PLACES. They can change your freaking life. But they will only do it if you let them. You gotta find one, dive in, and really explore and get INTO it. It aint gonna work if you've got no enthusiasm for it.

I've forgotten what else I was gonna say, so I'll stop here.

 

[GadAbout]

Markness, the thing about you is your sensitivity to slights and shortcomings. It's as though you didn't have adequate mothering - someone to kiss your owies, to praise your schoolwork, and to tell you regularly you are wonderful. (From what I've heard of your mother, this seems likely.)

You are going to have to develop the ability to be your own cheering section. As stupid as this sounds, being a disabled person (but it's an acquired, not congenital, disability), when I manage to climb into the bathtub, I praise myself; when I pay a bill or make a business phone call, I praise myself. I need these little pep talks to keep going through my day.

And you are also going to need to learn to notice the good things and overlook the bad. For me - as stupid as this sounds - I noticed the sun was out after we've had three days of fog and overcast, so I exclaimed "Oh! The sun is out!"

I think you might hold off on taking college courses until you actually WANT to do it. If you enrolled mostly to have a social life or meet girls, that's not really a very good reason to go - as you found out. If you want to explore a subject deeply that is taught there, well, that's a different thing. Misery's advice to fall in love with a hobby or special interest is good advice.

Remember we are in a pandemic and life is hard and stressful for most everyone right now. Is there anything you would like to start doing once you have been vaccinated and business places are open again? Look ahead to that. Maybe it will be a concert or music festival this summer. Can you start saving up for tickets?

 

[Markness]

Markness, the thing about you is your sensitivity to slights and shortcomings. It's as though you didn't have adequate mothering - someone to kiss your owies, to praise your schoolwork, and to tell you regularly you are wonderful. (From what I've heard of your mother, this seems likely.)

Remember we are in a pandemic and life is hard and stressful for most everyone right now. Is there anything you would like to start doing once you have been vaccinated and business places are open again? Look ahead to that. Maybe it will be a concert or music festival this summer. Can you start saving up for tickets?

My relationship with my mother historically has been turbulent to say the least. When she was nice to me, she would be very loving but when she got upset with me, she would become very acid tongued. She’s also always has been a control freak and more concerned with how I appeared to others than my own personal feelings.

If the bands I’ve been wanting to see ever tour this year and come to Austin, I would definitely go. I honestly choose music clubs over festivals because they are much cheaper. Just seeing a band I like is good enough for me. I also miss going to an arcade in Austin and I want to go to some toy stores I haven’t been to yet in the city. I do want a friend to go with me, though.

 

[Markness]

Just something to keep in mind:

Just because something LOOKS like it went over with no trouble for someone you know.... doesnt mean that it DID go over with no trouble for them. It merely means that this is how it appears, and appearance is important. Or, so everyone is told. In this era of Bloody Stupid Facebook, people are more inclined to fake it then ever. Never assume something is oh-so-easy for whoever, no matter how it looks or what they told you. Rather, assume that there's trouble you arent seeing. As that's usually the case.

I’ve often been told depression clouds my perception and makes me assume everyone but myself is enjoying the world. I do indeed dislike Facebook and I actually suspended my account after both the “sextortion” incident and getting sick to the back teeth of the nature of social media itself. I don’t care anymore if people I know in person give me grief about it. My mental health deserves better than that.

YES. Yes. Yes indeed it can, if you let it. Every now and then, on this forum, I give a bit of advice to someone which basically consists of "get some new hobbies" with a bit of examples and such attached. If you've seen me post that, you might have also seen where I'll almost always add the line "you never know where a hobby will take you". There's darned good reason why I always say that.

Some people say that hobbies like that are a waste of time. Those people are... incorrect, to put it in a friendly-sounding way. Hobbies, as I said, can TAKE YOU PLACES. They can change your freaking life. But they will only do it if you let them. You gotta find one, dive in, and really explore and get INTO it. It aint gonna work if you've got no enthusiasm for it.

I admittedly feel envious of those who can make hobbies their life. I know two guys who play in a metal band and a punk band respectively despite how neither style of music is popular in the culture I live in. I don’t know how they did it, especially when I was given flack for liking rock music and not country or rap. My friends who operate the comic book store I go to are both married and have their own families while another friend is married and has a family while still collecting comics, toys, video games, music CDs, and vinyl records.

On an unrelated note, I hoped I would get comments on my art, especially since I finished some sketches as well as colored one in and made a new drawing with colors. Is what I am doing just not good or what is in demand so to say?

My parents always scoffed at me wanting to make a career out of my interests by saying they were just hobbies and that I had to seek “actual work”. My mother especially gives me grief for buying comics as well as manga (“Japanese books” as she calls them) and music CDs despite how I haven’t bought one for myself since my pre-order for PIG’s new album still hasn’t come in but she thinks I still do it for some reason. She also thinks science-fiction is silly and people who play video games regularly are “childish” but she and my stepfather binge watch Netflix shows that show people getting murdered and raped. To them, there is no problem watching media that depicts horrible things that happen constantly in our reality but something like the Uplift novels that allow refuge from daily existence isn’t worth reading.

 

[GadAbout]

I also miss going to an arcade in Austin and I want to go to some toy stores I haven’t been to yet in the city. I do want a friend to go with me, though.

Could you take a niece or nephew along?

 

[Markness]

Could you take a niece or nephew along?

My favorite nephew I would take but he tends to be very attached my brother and sister in-law so I don’t know if he would be up for it. I suppose I could ask to be sure, though.

On a side note with him, I put on Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous for him but he didn’t like it and wanted to watch Stinky and Dirty instead despite repeatedly watching it day in and day out. When he went to bed, I ended up watching Camp Cretaceous along with my mother since we had to wait for my brother and sister in-law to come home.

My niece and nephew who is younger than my favorite nephew I would not want to take. My niece is extremely disobedient, spoiled rotten, has a voice that hurts my ears, and has some gross habits that make my germ phobia as well as my irritability issues go off like crazy. The younger nephew isn’t toilet trained and is still very babyish so no thanks on that either. My oldest nephew? Hmmmm, maybe. I can understand his issues since he’s on the spectrum but him being away from his parents is another story.

I have another niece since my older brother was married to another woman before he got married to my current sister in-law although he met her first and got her pregnant with my oldest nephew. Long story there. The niece from his ex-wife prefers her mother’s family and we aren’t close at all so there’s no chance of taking her anywhere.

One rule I have for all of them is that they can never be in my room without parental supervision. I don’t want them sliming or breaking any of my stuff. It’s hard enough to keep my cat from doing that and kids are twice as hard to manage....no, make that a hundred times harder, especially with the little monsters the younger niece and nephew are.

 

[Misery]

I’ve often been told depression clouds my perception and makes me assume everyone but myself is enjoying the world.

Yep, you sure got this right. That's exactly what depression does. Well... one of the things it does. It does far too many bloody things. Believe me, I've been there. I know what it's like.

However, understanding the fact of how it works is half the battle. From there, you can progress.

Also, kudos for getting rid of Facebook. Good to get rid of the social media nonsense. It's just... toxic in every way. EVERY way.

I admittedly feel envious of those who can make hobbies their life. I know two guys who play in a metal band and a punk band respectively despite how neither style of music is popular in the culture I live in. I don’t know how they did it, especially when I was given flack for liking rock music and not country or rap.

To some degree, it might be a matter of simple stubbornness, or an absolute refusal to fit into some stupid box simply because others say that they should. Sometimes, even when everyone's telling you not to... you gotta do things YOUR way, regardless of whatever nonsense they're spraying at you. Dont get me wrong: I know how hard it is to do that, at least at first. DEFINITELY been there. But if you can face up to it, well, you can Do Things. I'm not sure what those Things are, but you sure can Do them.

another friend is married and has a family while still collecting comics, toys, video games, music CDs, and vinyl records.

Honestly I dont think this is as uncommon as society would have you believe. I dont mean just marriage, but also things like simply forming a deep friendship with someone, even if society would consider you "weird". Not that that would be saying much, society seems to consider ANYTHING that is actually interesting to be "weird". Feh, that's a whole other rant though.

Something I can tell you with 100% certainty, as a result of all the conventions I've gone to: There are SO MANY geeks out there. So very many. All of them interesting, and far more accepting of things in general than your average dull idiot. The trick, of course, is finding a good way to meet some. Considering your descriptions of the area you live in, well... yeah, that's not an easy thing, is it? It aint easy in my area either, everyone's way too busy being boring.

On an unrelated note, I hoped I would get comments on my art, especially since I finished some sketches as well as colored one in and made a new drawing with colors. Is what I am doing just not good or what is in demand so to say?

I'll be honest here: I have no bloody clue why you're not getting any comments. Well, other than the fact that the "art" section of the forum is kinda, well, buried. A lot of people that use this site... including myself... probably have a tendency to only sort of check what is on the "front" part of it. You know, the opening page, and then that funky little list on the right of "recent" topics. Frankly I was very surprised that my own art topic got any responses whatsoever. Which I wouldnt actually notice if the site didnt point them out to me via the notifications.

You're doing fine with it, though, in my opinion. The drawings of Nanachi and X near the bottom are particularly good. Also I like that big freaky monster thing with the teeth that is near the middle of the topic.

She also thinks science-fiction is silly and people who play video games regularly are “childish” but she and my stepfather binge watch Netflix shows that show people getting murdered and raped. To them, there is no problem watching media that depicts horrible things that happen constantly in our reality but something like the Uplift novels that allow refuge from daily existence isn’t worth reading.

Ya know, this always bugs the heck outta me. People say things like "oh video games are for kids" or other nonsense, yet those very same people will happily sit down in front of a TV, and... stare blankly. Usually at something that isnt exactly a masterpiece of cinema. And of course if you point this contradiction out to said person, it usually just results in a situation of escalating stupid. At least, that's always been my experience with that.

Just ridiculous.

 

[Markness]

Yep, you sure got this right. That's exactly what depression does. Well... one of the things it does. It does far too many bloody things. Believe me, I've been there. I know what it's like.

However, understanding the fact of how it works is half the battle. From there, you can progress.

Also, kudos for getting rid of Facebook. Good to get rid of the social media nonsense. It's just... toxic in every way. EVERY way.

Looking back, it affected me even when I was a preteen. I would get overwhelming sadness spells and would feel similar fears to what I have now but they would pass because apparently God had a “plan” for me. The people who told me that wouldn’t put it into my head nicely but that’s Bible Belt culture for you.

Thank you. I don’t miss it at all.

To some degree, it might be a matter of simple stubbornness, or an absolute refusal to fit into some stupid box simply because others say that they should. Sometimes, even when everyone's telling you not to... you gotta do things YOUR way, regardless of whatever nonsense they're spraying at you. Dont get me wrong: I know how hard it is to do that, at least at first. DEFINITELY been there. But if you can face up to it, well, you can Do Things. I'm not sure what those Things are, but you sure can Do them.

I also think both of them aren’t originally from Texas. Well, at least I know one of them isn’t since he’s originally from New Mexico and that culture has much more respect for music that isn’t just radio drivel.

Honestly I dont think this is as uncommon as society would have you believe. I dont mean just marriage, but also things like simply forming a deep friendship with someone, even if society would consider you "weird". Not that that would be saying much, society seems to consider ANYTHING that is actually interesting to be "weird". Feh, that's a whole other rant though.

Something I can tell you with 100% certainty, as a result of all the conventions I've gone to: There are SO MANY geeks out there. So very many. All of them interesting, and far more accepting of things in general than your average dull idiot. The trick, of course, is finding a good way to meet some. Considering your descriptions of the area you live in, well... yeah, that's not an easy thing, is it? It aint easy in my area either, everyone's way too busy being boring.

The odd thing is that my friends’ wives aren’t geeky or nerdy at all. One is very religious and thinks comics and toys are just for kids. Another apparently just watches soaps and reads romance novels, stereotypical “girly” interests.

Before the library closed to the public, I would check out items that weren’t “typical” to some people, usually younger adults and teens but they didn’t want to hang out with me even if I expressed having the same interests. I also see them hanging out at the mall, cinemas, video game stores, and bowling alley but they still don’t want to hang out with me. Outside that, though, it’s a bore fest here. Walmart, McDonald’s, sports bars as well as dive bars (even had one called The Dirty Shame Tavern), shady convenience stores that sell cigarettes through the drive up window, football fields, churches, digital casinos, slums, and violent crimes.

I'll be honest here: I have no bloody clue why you're not getting any comments. Well, other than the fact that the "art" section of the forum is kinda, well, buried. A lot of people that use this site... including myself... probably have a tendency to only sort of check what is on the "front" part of it. You know, the opening page, and then that funky little list on the right of "recent" topics. Frankly I was very surprised that my own art topic got any responses whatsoever. Which I wouldnt actually notice if the site didnt point them out to me via the notifications.

You're doing fine with it, though, in my opinion. The drawings of Nanachi and X near the bottom are particularly good. Also I like that big freaky monster thing with the teeth that is near the middle of the topic.

I hope more comments will come in. It would motivate me more, especially since I found out that I am not even going to get an interview for the job I applied for thus won’t even get a chance to start at a new job.

Are you talking about Impy, the Stimpodemon, or the newer drawing that looks like the Doom 64 Pain Elemental?

Ya know, this always bugs the heck outta me. People say things like "oh video games are for kids" or other nonsense, yet those very same people will happily sit down in front of a TV, and... stare blankly. Usually at something that isnt exactly a masterpiece of cinema. And of course if you point this contradiction out to said person, it usually just results in a situation of escalating stupid. At least, that's always been my experience with that.

Just ridiculous.

No argument there. The anti-video gamers I know are staunch supporters of the NRA and collect firearms as a hobby but think kids playing video games are school shooters in waiting. They also write off the whole medium as a sea of violent content but strangely think war movies and Netflix shows that show more graphic content than most video games do are okay. It is baffling to the point of brain breaking.

 

[Thinx]

Yes, where is the art? I can't find it....

 

[zurb]

Volunteering isn’t considered to be anything of value since it doesn’t involve drinking, smoking, being aggressive, watching football, or speeding cars, all things which constitute 99.9% of the social atmosphere in my area.

I think you may have missed what people were trying to suggest.
The point is if ‘drinking, smoking, being aggressive, watching football, or speeding cars’ isn’t working for you in your current context, stop trying with that crowd. Try making friends in a different context. Volunteering is valued, especially by other people who volunteer. That’s why they do it.

 

[Markness]

Yes, where is the art? I can't find it....

Visual Arts

My thread is underneath Misery’s.

 

[Owliet]

Visual Arts

My thread is underneath Misery’s.

I had a look through, and you’ve got some good talent going there. Really like the more recently shared ones. You’ve got a good idea of perception, anatomy and in the case of the kittens piece, a nice attempt at semi realism. I said this already but you seem to have decided to ignore it , so I’ll repeat: if you haven’t already, I’d recommend uploading your artwork on a broader platform: instagram, Twitter, tumblr, deviantart etc. You’ll probably get more responses from a wider range of people.


But you should definitely NOT feel disheartened by your art.

((I really should get back into drawing myself...))