Looking for advice (NT with crush on Aspie)

[Limerence]

Let me start by saying that we are both 16 and in 11th grade (juniors). I am NT (f), and he has Asperger's, which told me when we met in 8th grade. We've had lots of mutual friends since then, although we've become closer friends this school year. He's very smart—one of the top students in our class—and is rather extroverted and outgoing, while I'm more of an introvert. I probably wouldn't have ever realized that he has Asperger's if he hadn't told me, but he does show signs: he tends to take sarcasm and jokes literally and not pick up on certain social cues (such as, at times, when to be quiet) as well as avoiding eye contact.

I've never dated before, but he is so easy to talk with and great to be around, and I really like him. I'm very shy, and I doubt he would pick up on any subtle flirting, so what would be the best way for me to communicate that I'm 'interested'? I know he's not necessarily unconcerned with romantic relationships in general; last year he asked a girl out and was crushed when she rejected him. Would directly asking him out put him in a bad position if he isn't interested, or compromise the relationship we have? Our friendship is important to me, and I don't want to risk losing it if I can avoid it. Also, keeping his specific Asperger's traits in mind, is there anything I need to be aware of in a relationship with him?

 

[Daniela]

Hello there honey (I like to use pet names to younger people, expecialy If I find them kind our sweet our nice, but if you feel unconfortable with it just tell me, here in Portugal we do it all the time but I dont know how it is in your country )
So begining with your last question (is the easyest ) Well it all depends on whu he is, basacly, there are aspies that dont like phisical contact there are others that do like it on certain ocasions our other stuff like that. I think one of the most importante things you should do in a relationship is talking a lot, discovoring what one likes and dosent, what one wants and dosent.
The best way to comunicate that you are interested ... to an aspie...if your not familiar with that ... I gess that it would be hard since us women can be very, triky with our words. But ... I think its bether for the guys to anwsor you the other questions. I would say, for you to waith a bit before you date
But Aniway, sweety, in the end I think the base of all humans are the same, so here :

I´ll let Matt ask you all the logical questions

 

[Beverly]

You are right in that he won't take hints well, not that he doesn't want to, most of us simply don't see the meaning behind subtle hints.

You've known each other a good while so, that's good. I think the best approach, to avoid any confusion is to tell him exactly what you said here. He's easy to talk to, you like spending time with him, you don't want to jeopardize the friendship you have and, you would like to date him, if he is willing to give it a go.

 

[N64boy96]

You've got a mutual friendship brewing already you mine as well see if there's the possibility to be more than friends, which does sound like its a definite. Trust me, beat around the bush too long someone else is going to steal your moment. He probably likes you too

 

[Jonathan Lees]

definitely tell him how you feel. as an aspie male i very often miss hints that people give me and normally only realise someone is interested if they are clear and vocal about. generally if you are looking for longer more serious relationships its best to start as friends and let a mutual attraction form first so you are on the right track there. he probably is interested, just as we aspies can find it difficult to pick up on hints we can also find it difficult to express our own interest clearly, especially if you are close good friends. but don't leave it too long or he might find someone else or get to the point in the friendship where he could not see you romantically and only as a friend.

good luck with whatever you do and hope it goes well.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

just realised how your username relates to your situation (smart), if you are in a state of limerence then you very much have to go for it rather than let obsessive thoughts build up as it can be unhealthy.

 

[Limerence]

Hello there honey (I like to use pet names to younger people, expecialy If I find them kind our sweet our nice, but if you feel unconfortable with it just tell me, here in Portugal we do it all the time but I dont know how it is in your country )
So begining with your last question (is the easyest ) Well it all depends on whu he is, basacly, there are aspies that dont like phisical contact there are others that do like it on certain ocasions our other stuff like that. I think one of the most importante things you should do in a relationship is talking a lot, discovoring what one likes and dosent, what one wants and dosent.
The best way to comunicate that you are interested ... to an aspie...if your not familiar with that ... I gess that it would be hard since us women can be very, triky with our words. But ... I think its bether for the guys to anwsor you the other questions. I would say, for you to waith a bit before you date
But Aniway, sweety, in the end I think the base of all humans are the same, so here :

I´ll let Matt ask you all the logical questions

Thank you for your advice! I'll be sure to keep these in mind, especially about making sure to get to know him even better than I already do; I know how important that is in any relationship. The video was informative as well, and I agree with the bit about trying too hard, as I don't want to look silly.

You are right in that he won't take hints well, not that he doesn't want to, most of us simply don't see the meaning behind subtle hints.

You've known each other a good while so, that's good. I think the best approach, to avoid any confusion is to tell him exactly what you said here. He's easy to talk to, you like spending time with him, you don't want to jeopardize the friendship you have and, you would like to date him, if he is willing to give it a go.

I understand, I expected a direct approach would be best, even if I'm a little nervous. I'll take your advice on what to say, thank you!

You've got a mutual friendship brewing already you mine as well see if there's the possibility to be more than friends, which does sound like its a definite. Trust me, beat around the bush too long someone else is going to steal your moment. He probably likes you too

I wouldn't necessarily say it's likely, although I definitely agree about waiting too long. Thanks for the reply!

definitely tell him how you feel. as an aspie male i very often miss hints that people give me and normally only realise someone is interested if they are clear and vocal about. generally if you are looking for longer more serious relationships its best to start as friends and let a mutual attraction form first so you are on the right track there. he probably is interested, just as we aspies can find it difficult to pick up on hints we can also find it difficult to express our own interest clearly, especially if you are close good friends. but don't leave it too long or he might find someone else or get to the point in the friendship where he could not see you romantically and only as a friend.

good luck with whatever you do and hope it goes well.

You're definitely right about leaving it too long, I'm a bit worried I've passed that point already. Being shy it'll be difficult for me to tell him, but for him it would likely be so hard as to be impossible, and it's not something I can expect him to do. Thanks so much!

just realised how your username relates to your situation (smart), if you are in a state of limerence then you very much have to go for it rather than let obsessive thoughts build up as it can be unhealthy.

I was wondering if anyone would catch that! I intended it to be more like the definition as a 'desire for reciprocation of feelings' rather than an extreme infatuation or obsession, so I don't feel it's anything unhealthy.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I was wondering if anyone would catch that! I intended it to be more like the definition as a 'desire for reciprocation of feelings' rather than an extreme infatuation or obsession, so I don't feel it's anything unhealthy.

i didn't mean to suggest anything unhealthy, i often feel limerence (in the traditional definition sense) and find you have to be careful that it doesn't develop into obsession. if you desire him to reciprocate your feelings then you definitely need to tell him how you feel. good luck once again hope all goes well. wish someone was this interested in me (the truth is i would have no idea unless someone told me, though there is one girl that i think might be a little interested but im playing it by ear and waiting for her to make a move if she wants to).

 

[Limerence]

i didn't mean to suggest anything unhealthy, i often feel limerence (in the traditional definition sense) and find you have to be careful that it doesn't develop into obsession. if you desire him to reciprocate your feelings then you definitely need to tell him how you feel. good luck once again hope all goes well. wish someone was this interested in me (the truth is i would have no idea unless someone told me, though there is one girl that i think might be a little interested but im playing it by ear and waiting for her to make a move if she wants to).

I understand, thank you! I think you have a chance with the girl you described, and I wish you the best.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I understand, thank you! I think you have a chance with the girl you described, and I wish you the best.

thanks for your support, lets hope all goes well for both of us.