Looking for some advice on having my 12YO son diagnosed

[jennydotz]

Hello all. My 12YO so has been in therapy for an unrelated (or maybe not) issue and his therapist (who is extremely sharp and experienced but not an expert in ASD ) just told me that she thinks he has some social skill deficits that feel to her like aspergers. My first thought was OMG yes, that would explain so much and why didn't I investigate this sooner? He is a high academic achiever without any of the obvious idiosyncrasies people generally look for so no teachers ever suggested it. I, however, have always thought something was different but as a first time parent with nothing to compare him to, it was easy to believe I was overreacting. So many of his behaviors and quirks pass as other things but the one thing that has always tortured me as a parent is my inability to connect with him like I have watched other parents connect with their kids. Right now it isn't as obvious because most middle school kids could take or leave their parents to some extent. LOL But when he was younger it was very hard.

So to make a long story short, a Dx would certainly make *me* feel better, but would it do any good for *him* to be evaluated? He's at an age where he will almost certainly reject this notion and I don't want to make anything worse. I would love to hear some input or advise from the Asperger's perspective--Thanks.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

There are various different factors to consider, with a diagnoses. A diagnoses can be beneficial, should your son require any benefits, or special considerations. These can be for various different reasons, such as education, employment, government benefits, etc. If you son does not require assistance with any of these types of factors, then getting a diagnoses is more for peace of mind, than any other reason.

There can sometimes be drawbacks from getting a diagnoses, but these can vary, depending on the individual. Some individuals are glad to know why they are different, and want that peace of mind. Some tend to go in to denial, and might try to reject the label. It's hard to tell how someone would react, until they become aware. Having a label can sometimes cause a child to use a diagnoses as a "crutch", or "excuse". How others might treat the diagnoses (both family, and friends), can affect his reaction. For example; celebrating difference, and being proud of his academic excellence, as opposed to focusing on any negative aspects, such as social inabilities. Keeping positive, can make the difference.

Should you be interested, I recommend browsing through some of these links:

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Tony Attwood:

Home

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

 

[Jess]

I can only speak as to personal experience, but I would have been so relieved to have a diagnosis when I was school aged. That is because I became depressed and anxious, feeling like an alien, feeling like I was broken somehow when comparing myself to peers. Had I known it wasn't my fault, and there was something different about how my brain was wired, would have been extremely comforting. I could see where a diagnosis might help your child if he is experiencing any other comorbid conditions such as depression, anxiety, even ADHD and such. It gives a name and words to use to help understand what's going on. If you child is in therapy, the practitioner taking the diagnosis into consideration could certainly affect therapy styles and outcomes for the better. Finally, as Vanilla mentioned, it could help with special classroom considerations such as more time when taking tests, using different ways of teaching (not all kids learn by just reading, just listening, etc) and such.

 

[jennydotz]

Thanks to all for your input and links! The dilemma for me is that I'm not sure he believes he is different, not that I would know if he did (sharing is not his thing). He is so distant that I'm afraid the suggestion would alienate him further. His father is a nasty high-functioning narcissist with his own serious issues, so I guess I have assumed that my son has picked up some of his dad's personality traits by nature or nurture.

So I am looking for some more examples from people who are diagnosed of ways a diagnosis helped them beyond peace of mind and academic issues. Thanks again!

 

[annominous]

I was diagnosed last year after learning about autism through my son, who is now 12, but was diagnosed at the age of seven. I am 46 and was formally diagnosed last year. I spent my life unhappy and misunderstood, I didn't tell my family much because they were adopted family who also misunderstood me. They decided I was all sorts of horrible things, and blamed my birth mother's heroin addiction for all my 'horrible things'. I have always being odd, weird, 'something wrong with her' and various other labels. I wish I had a label that explained me clearly, let me read about my own neurology, and let me make friends with others who were like me.

This is the only place online that I post 'socially' now, because it is relatively safe to post amongst my peers. I don't get beaten up psychologically for my 'behaviour' and I tend to understand other autistics more than I understand NTs.

I have a very close relationship with my son, so I don't have advice on how to approach your son with concerns. What I do with my son is share my concerns about my own life openly with him, and that gives him the space to share with me openly. Our culture seems to tell us keeping things from our kids is better because they are kids, but I have found sharing openly gives us a closer relationship. Maybe if you started talking about experiences you have had in your own life as a kid that made life harder for you, etc., you might find your son is able to open up about some issues he might be having.

My son's father is high functioning narcissist as well, it's a very hard situation and I understand how you could conflate NPD with autistic issues. Thing is, most autistics couldn't be farther from narcissist.