looking for some advice

[equinox]

Quick background on me. I'm married with 2 great girls. I'm a self diagnosed. Struggled in school, life, etc. Until I met my wife. Still not sure how that even happened.

My oldest daughter is now a teen who also has aspergers. (Youngest is happy/normal.) My oldest and I are very similar. She is definitely smarter than I was (I was lucky to stick it out thru college (3 of them until I finished) but she struggles internally more. About 4 years ago we went thru a rough patch. Daughter lost all her "friends" and fell into depression (cutting / etc.) My wife was trying to "fix" her for a year or two until she realized things didn't need "fixed." My wife now has a better understanding for her and myself and supports us. Things rebounded for her for a couple years as we switched her school and she made a couple new accointances. Unfortunately she has been loosing those accointances again. And I question if she has been starting to make more little lies again. I did similar to protect myself and it tends to just more problems in the longer run.

Last summer she went to a science camp for a couple weeks. During that she met a boy, she really likes who lives out of state, which strangely is great. He has given her a new outlet she never had before. Unfortunately she wasn't really comfortable with him in the beginning and made up lots of crazy backstories around her self / family to protect her self. I'm afraid the lies are going to catch up and she will loose that online friend and be devastated even more.

She so wants to have one real fiend. Where I didn't really care.

Anyway. Ideas how to support a teen daughter in a safe way to find a friend? (Can't really switch schools again we tried that one which worked for me once when I was a kid. She sees a counselor once a week to talk but I think she has that person snow balled.) I'm struggling to find ways to support here. And I know how she felt.

 

[toothless]

hi equinox,welcome to the forum.
i personally think the best place for an autie or aspie [regardless of age] to make friends is online as their strengths can shine without the other person seeing their little/large behaviors or traits and possibly being scared off however you have to take into account other people can say what ever they want to say and groom vulnerable children or adults.

there are quite a few groups on facebook made only for young [under 30,some younger] auties and aspies and if your daughter is a facebook fan its worth having a look with her,i could get you the names of some-one of my mates is under 30 and on some young ASD groups.

she would have to study a bit of internet etiquette first and safety before using them if she isnt used to chatting with others online as its so easy to be conned or offend someone without realising if your ASD,i was on a well known site called wrong planet and i wont go into the life changing trouble i ended up in because of a groomer and cyber bully.

 

[Starfire1]

Hi Equinox,

Your story is very similar to mine I can relate to many of the things you wrote about. My youngest daughter is happy, very gregarious and well adjusted. My teenage daughter is just now beginning to be assessed for ASD/ADHD. She got through the initial appointments with the clinical psychologist who has now referred her for thorough 'testing'. My teen daughter also lies constantly, often ridiculous lies which can easily be shown be such. Once her lie has been shown up she will go into meltdown screaming, shouting, flailing her arms around and the 'YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME' routine begins. I'm not sure how much of this maybe normal teen behaviour, perhaps a lot, however she has demonstrated more serious behavioural issues which have resulted in numerous letters/calls from school and some police involvement.

My daughter doesn't have one close friend but seems to have friends/acquaintances which she rotates, as and when needed.
What I did and it might work for you is I took her to a club in something she was interested in. She was very reluctant to go and took some convincing but eventually went. In the beginning I was very involved in it with her as she was very nervous, but gradually over time I withdrew little by little but was always in the background for reassurance. She managed to get into competitions and won some medals which helped her confidence and self-esteem, while she was around and competing with people who had a similar interest. Is that perhaps something you could try? Does your daughter have any interests which you could share with her, while encouraging her to meet people and socialise which may lead to her making new friends? Even if the interest in the club dissipates over time, she may hopefully make a friend who sticks with her and they can support each other.

It's really awful to see our children struggle like this and to be largely, helpless. In the end I suppose all we can really do is support them through their mistakes and difficulties, and never let them forget that we love them and will always be there for them whatever happens.

 

[Suzanne]

I go with "toothless" on this one. I made my first real friend online; in fact she really taught me a lot about what friendship is and it was easy because I tended to bounce of what she said. So, if she felt sensitive that I had not been in contact, she would just say that to me, which rather than frightened me, made me feel very special, that someone cared enough that I had not been in touch ( not deliberate either; something came up) and so, I learned that I could say similar.

I find that I just cannot take the inititive in forming a friendship. I just have no idea how to go about it and so, just copy how others do it.

In one respect, you are terribly blessed to not care about friendship, because it is just awful to feel you need to be accepted, but are not accepted. I am an outsider and see that I will always be one and wish with all my heart, I was an insider!