Looking for some empathy advice in a hard time.

[aimz111]

Hi, so my wife's sister-in-law committed suicide yesterday, they were very close. My wife is very upset and although I'm ok at the moment, i'm not very good at being supportive in the long run. I want to be someone she can rely on in a process that i assume will be quite long to get over.
Normally, when I get a little tired or stressed I get stuck in my own head and can't think of her. I don't think I can stop this happening but I'm looking for any advice or tips to be supportive etc.

 

[BirdsNest]

Ask her what she needs.

Tell her you are aware of her need to have someone support her, and you want to do it, but you need her help! xx

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Practical side.
Your wife needs to feel pain and grieve.

What can you do round the house that you dont normally do?

Make the food.
Answer the door.
How involved can you get with funeral prep?

Are children involved?

Paperwork, bills paying. Housework.
Comtact her work.

Make a list of all she does, reduce her load where you can.

She needs to wake up and some of the jobs she usually does are done.

She may not be able to express what she needs at this time.

Hugs.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi, so my wife's sister-in-law committed suicide yesterday, they were very close. My wife is very upset and although I'm ok at the moment, i'm not very good at being supportive in the long run. I want to be someone she can rely on in a process that i assume will be quite long to get over.
Normally, when I get a little tired or stressed I get stuck in my own head and can't think of her. I don't think I can stop this happening but I'm looking for any advice or tips to be supportive etc.

if she wants to talk about it talk about it the person she cared about doesn't suddenly stop existing .
Monitor her make sure she eats at least once a day and drinks water .
what does she do to relax ?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Dont react or say much during tears.

Move closer.

Hand hold or big hugs and silence. Let them come.

There will be lots of 'if only's' -don't correct or suggest when it happens.
Especially worse as it's a suicide.

I feel for you. Be strong and do what you need to stay strong.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Hi

Second that advice to look for things she usually does that you can do instead. The most important hing is not what you say, but just that you show you love her.

 

[Judge]

Great, yet sad post that again reflects someone who cares.

That empathy is there, however that it's difficult for so many of us on the spectrum to project in a meaningful way that NTs can better relate to.

Where it isn't that we all outright lack empathy, but rather than we just have issues in projecting it to others. A frequently misunderstood issue of autism, IMO.

 

[RachelleG]

Hi, so my wife's sister-in-law committed suicide yesterday, they were very close. My wife is very upset and although I'm ok at the moment, i'm not very good at being supportive in the long run. I want to be someone she can rely on in a process that i assume will be quite long to get over.
Normally, when I get a little tired or stressed I get stuck in my own head and can't think of her. I don't think I can stop this happening but I'm looking for any advice or tips to be supportive etc.

Empathy does not come easily to us. I took some courses on empathy and listening to get better at it. What I learned from that is that keeping it simple is the best strategy. In your case, you don't need to force the issue, by that I mean you don't have to bring up the subject of your sister in law's suicide unless your wife wants to talk about it. Secondly, just show a willingness to listen - you don't have to say anything - a simple gesture like touching her hand and/or a hug to show that you care will probably do more than anything you say. I hope this helps.

 

[Kim Sullivan]

When I'm going through rough times, my hubby has learned how to take care of me. He does more around the house, but most importantly, when I'm crying or start talking about painful stuff, he just sits with me and listens. Sometimes he'll hug me, put his arms around me, but he's just there. That means sooooo much. I know he has no idea what to say, and this is not a time to say much anyway. She may ask questions such as, "why?" and "what did I do wrong?", but these are mostly rhetorical. The only thing to say to these questions might be, "It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong," with a calm, even tone.
Oh, and she might get angry about stupid things. Anger is part of grief, please understand that and don't take it personally. Let her vent, but stop her if she gets nasty with you. In that case, just tell her you know why she's angry, and that you can talk about it after she's calmed down.
Be sure to take care of yourself too as much as you can. If you do a sport, or have an obsessive aspie interest, indulge in those things whenever she doesn't need you. It's important to be good to yourself as this is SOO difficult for caregivers.

 

[Grandmother B]

Hi, so my wife's sister-in-law committed suicide yesterday, they were very close. My wife is very upset and although I'm ok at the moment, i'm not very good at being supportive in the long run. I want to be someone she can rely on in a process that i assume will be quite long to get over.
Normally, when I get a little tired or stressed I get stuck in my own head and can't think of her. I don't think I can stop this happening but I'm looking for any advice or tips to be supportive etc.

Probably all you need to do is just be there and be available. I know that is hard for an autistic person sometimes. There is really nothing you can say or do to make her feel better. Just tell her you love her and that you are there for her. You don't have to say things. Grieving people will not remember what you said anyway. It's more about how you make them feel. Please don't stress over the right thing to do. Just love her. That's all.

 

[nowwhat]

Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn.

 

[Full Steam]

I'd have a quick conversation along the lines of "you know I'm really bad at showing empathy, but I just want you to know that I do feel very much for you and whenever you're ready to talk, scream or cry, I'm here for you".

As people have said, she'll need time. My mum died last year and I needed three days just being wild in the garden, then it all just came up when it came up, and my wife stayed in the background and helped when I needed it.

It might be worth you reading up on the stages of grief so you know what to expect.

Don't be hard on yourself as you'll be doing the best you can.

It's through adversity that we can re-enforce the strength of the family unit.