Looking for ways I (M 33NT) can show support to my 28(F ASD) SO

[Whoopsie]

Hey everyone!
This is my first time posting here. Thanks for making the forum open to everyone looking for advice and support.

So recently my SO and I have taken another major step. I told her I loved her about 3 weeks ago and a few days ago, she said she loves me. Today she told me she has Asperger's and so I've gone on a whole deep dive of trying to learn about it. I found out not long ago some minor miscommunications have already caused pain for her and I want to find ways to learn to communicate better and also avoid the avoidable situations.

I didn't want to make her feel as if her revealing this to me would have any sort of negative impact on me so I told her how much I loved her and that I'd love to hear more when she wants to share.
In the meantime though, I want to do as much research on it as possible and was hoping I could get some guided suggestions like good books to read on what it's like in her world and how I can be the best SO to her.
Any tips from your personal experience of what has helped as well as any books you've found to be helpful for your relationship will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello, you came to the right place.

Some tips:
- Be loyal.
- Say the truth.
- By saying the truth I mean all the time:
"I didn't want to make her feel as if her revealing this to me would have any sort of negative impact on me so I told her how much I loved her and that I'd love to hear more when she wants to share."
This is a way of not saying the truth. Its too elaborate, you assume her feelings and tell her stuff in order to modiffy her "supossed" feelings in a certain way.
- Dont suppose, ask.
- Ask a lot, dont stay on the surface, go deep.
- Keep always an eye on her battery if she did something out of routine, even if she enjoyed it.
- Its important for her to do her stuff, talk abour her passions, stim, or whatever she does when nobody is judging her. Its your task to GRANT her time and space to be herself without masking.
- Her brain works different to NTs brains, if its not obvious its probably because of masking. Learning about masking is important.
- Most NT-ASD couples will break, I hope it wont be your case, but I want you to know it wont be easy for you non for her.
- Do not lie to her. Just dont do it.
- You probably should read about autism and about trauma. Most autists people have trauma due to constant rejecction and bullying.
- Even if she is very good/intelligent at some stuff, that doesnt means that she will do well in other areas. She wont do well in some stuff that is as easy like breathing for you. And you wont understand why since she is good in other stuff... Dont assume.

Books: AUTISTIC - The ultimate guide to surviving in the wild neurotypical world by Daniel Lopez Millan

This short book is full of practical information and short tips of how to make life easier. I would start with this one, the short format its quite NT oriented so you dont go that deep on the topic.

There are many books on this forum, most of them are for autistic people but for sure you can learn from them too. But to learn about your girl, you can ask her. Just ask.

Best of luck.

 

[Alexej]

Welcome @Whoopsie
Hang around on the Forum here and see the mails that talk about relationships (there are lots).
Work out what works for you and you SO

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Your best bet is to talk to her directly and openly. A lot of Autistic people communicate better in writing, so this may be a good way to get conversations started before you have them in person.

I don't have any books to recommend, though I'd guess they either represent that Autistic author, or are written by non-Autistic people. So they probably wouldn't be too helpful. Especially as the relationship has already started. Learn her and you'll know where to go from there.

 

[Rodafina]

@Whoopsie,
Books and research are useful, but I suggest you read lots and lots of forum posts. People here share things from their heart and there is so much for you to learn from the lived experiences on display throughout the forum. It will take some time. Everything you really need to know, you will learn by listening to your partner in the way that she communicates best.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hey everyone!
This is my first time posting here. Thanks for making the forum open to everyone looking for advice and support.

So recently my SO and I have taken another major step. I told her I loved her about 3 weeks ago and a few days ago, she said she loves me. Today she told me she has Asperger's and so I've gone on a whole deep dive of trying to learn about it. I found out not long ago some minor miscommunications have already caused pain for her and I want to find ways to learn to communicate better and also avoid the avoidable situations.

I didn't want to make her feel as if her revealing this to me would have any sort of negative impact on me so I told her how much I loved her and that I'd love to hear more when she wants to share.
In the meantime though, I want to do as much research on it as possible and was hoping I could get some guided suggestions like good books to read on what it's like in her world and how I can be the best SO to her.
Any tips from your personal experience of what has helped as well as any books you've found to be helpful for your relationship will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

For context, I've been with the same girl for some 37+ years. I think the best word of advice to any couple, autistic or not is "open and productive communication". When I say this, it's not about control, but rather a necessity when you have two people on a team. When you have a home, careers, kids, bills to pay, mouths to feed, keeping the home clean and tidy, vehicles to maintain, investments, etc., you have to approach these things with a "divide and conquer" approach. It's not my money, it's our money. It's not my time, it's our time. If you want independence, don't get into a relationship. The two of you should make one good person. Use each others strengths to advance the team, not unlike how a coach of a football team uses his players. You can't have a situation where there is an imbalance though. One person cannot carry the team. Furthermore, you cannot have emotional arguments that end up putting communication on hold and is destructive in nature. How you have "critical conversations" is an important element in a relationship. Both have to understand that in order to resolve any issues, it must be a calm, logical, respectful, and productive discussion. As soon as someone uses an accusatory tone, raises a voice, you're done, nothing good comes of it, and at the very least, it's wasted breath, at the worst, it's destructive. If either of you cannot master that, you're screwed.

 

[AspieChris]

Don’t lie. Not even about something that doesn’t matter. If you catch yourself saying something that isn’t true, admit it before she finds out. The more she feels like you’re someone she can trust you, the more she’ll cling to you when she’s confused about life. And life is incredibly confusing for us.

My wife is tge most honest person I’ve ever met. Abd I have held on to her with both hands since our first date.

 

[saturnv]

I agree with the above replies. I think the fact that you care enough to join and ask the questions you did is a very good sign. If you keep going with that level of care and kindness, you will be on the right track.

 

[Tom]

Yes agree with above. Honesty, trust, loyalty, and never belittle or shame. Remember she is as unfamilar with your (NT) instincts as much as you with her (ASD) ones. I think (opinion) that the best course for a mixed neuro realtionship is not to cater to one or the other exclusively, but forge a path between the two. There are valuable aspects on both sides of the divde. Complementary. You provide qualities/knowledge she lacks and vice versa.

Mixed relationships can work and quite a few here can attest to it being in decades long marriages etc. I just passed 38 years together with my NT wife.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Why do I get the feeling the relationship started like they normally do

 

[Rodafina]

Why do I get the feeling the relationship started like they normally do

Because you are highly focused on telling yourself the same story over and over again about men and women.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yep and one thing I've learned and noticed over the years is that men will often Overlook bitterness and resentment in women but not really the other way around though

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Yep and one thing I've learned and noticed over the years is that men will often Overlook bitterness and resentment in women but not really the other way around though

Lots of men and women think they can rescue and fix other people. It's just a form of vanity, even if well-meaning. Why let other people's mistakes dictate your view of love?

 

[tazz]

Welcome.

I'm autistic. I've had long term relationships with non-autistic people.

A couple of problem areas:

In my case I see relationships as two independent people, going about their lives, and sharing their ups and downs with each other. Sometimes my partner might want to lean on me for support. Sometimes it's the other way around. But I don't want to feel like either person in the relationship is dependent on the other. How much of that feeling comes from me being autistic, I don't know. But I suspect it's quite deeply rooted in it. I'm not too keen on physical contact. I don't like to talk much. I tend to use logic and reason to figure out the best course of action (or I try at least). And overall I've been told I come across as distant and cold. But internally, I'm committed to the relationship. As I mentioned in a recent thread, I'd take a bullet to save my partner without hesitation. But I don't express that commitment in a constant stream of everyday things like smiling, holding hands, small talk, kissing, hugging, asking about their day. I'll make the big sacrifices no problem, but on a day to day basis I come across as not really caring. I go about my day. I expect my partner to do the same. And those everyday activities could actually be very separate - even things like preparing meals and eating.

Language processing and communication in general can be very distressing for me. Often it happens with good intentions. I've found that non-autistic people are very VERY bad at just being open and honest about what they want. This could happen through omission - not mentioning something because they decide it would upset me if I knew. Or through second-guessing my feelings - trying to make me happy by saying what they think I want to hear. Could be something big, or small - like what their preference is for takeout tonight. The feeling that the words I'm hearing don't match up with what they are feeling/thinking is super-distressing. It's like there's an earthquake. Nothing solid to hold on to. I can't focus my mind. It's chaos. Like a brain fracture. I've had this discussion so many times with partners, friends, family members. It never seems to sink in. I have to conclude it's an instinct that many non-autistic people have. Something compelling them to hide what they are actually thinking or feeling in order make me happy or avoid making me sad. No matter how many times I explain that it actually causes me real distress - like a physical pain, they still do it.

But that's just me and the way that relationships and autism collide for me. By far the best thing is for you to talk with your partner about how it works for them.

 

[Rodafina]

Or through second-guessing my feelings - trying to make me happy by saying what they think I want to hear. Could be something big, or small - like what their preference is for takeout tonight. The feeling that the words I'm hearing don't match up with what they are feeling/thinking is super-distressing. It's like there's an earthquake. Nothing solid to hold on to. I can't focus my mind. It's chaos. Like a brain fracture. I've had this discussion so many times with partners, friends, family members. It never seems to sink in. I have to conclude it's an instinct that many non-autistic people have. Something compelling them to hide what they are actually thinking or feeling in order make me happy or avoid making me sad. No matter how many times I explain that it actually causes me real distress - like a physical pain, they still do it.

I can really relate to this. I think this issue has been the most significant contributing factor to my inability to feel close to most people. The utter confusion that occurs when words do not match up with someone's real thoughts and feelings is enough to drive me mad. I can understand needing time to process thoughts and feelings and possibly taking awhile to get the entire truth out, but this feels different than omission, placating, false words, passive aggression, and other things that hide one's true thoughts and feelings. It makes me feel actually crazy and then the headbanging starts again.

At 43 years old, I am just learning that there are some people who do not do this. I am allowing myself to trust that sometimes, certain people use words in a way that I can trust and understand. With these people, suddenly that foreign feeling of connection actually starts to grow.

 

[MNAus]

Honestly? Relax, don't be intense, and promise yourself that if there's a way to read the situation that attributes malice, stupidity or thoughtlessness, that you'll at least be open to the idea that there's a better and more generous explanation. You don't need to go hunting through textbooks for her. Just be generous in spirit, understanding and ready to hold back on judgment even when she gets on your nerves (because we do, and we will).

But also be good to yourself. Autistic people can be horrible, selfish and nasty too. A disability does not make one immune to being toxic. You're not obliged to put yourself in second place. This will be a partnership.

ETA: Also, we're all very different. So be careful assuming that what you read here or elsewhere applies to your OH. TBH I see a lot of the short and TikTok vids of autistic people with whom I find absolutely no common ground. We're a diverse bunch.

 

[MNAus]

It makes me feel actually crazy and then the headbanging starts again.

The Dutch have a great phrase which can be translated but then doesn't quite hit the mark of saying it in Dutch: "Doe normaal". Literally "do normal" but it wraps in this feeling of frustration of "why would you make everything so complicated, unpleasant and difficult to deal with, why all the drama? Just be normal for goodness sake". It's my feeling whenever I encounter that kind of game.

The closest in English is the slightly more confrontational "Behave yourself" which I also enjoy.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I've found that non-autistic people are very VERY bad at just being open and honest about what they want.

I can relate. This rings a painful bell...

There are a good amount of scientific studies about that, but like many other dark sides of mankind, they are hard pills to swallow. Those kind of "unpleasant" or "rude" truths are ignored or silenced.

 

[AspieChris]

Welcome.

I'm autistic. I've had long term relationships with non-autistic people.

A couple of problem areas:

In my case I see relationships as two independent people, going about their lives, and sharing their ups and downs with each other. Sometimes my partner might want to lean on me for support. Sometimes it's the other way around. But I don't want to feel like either person in the relationship is dependent on the other. How much of that feeling comes from me being autistic, I don't know. But I suspect it's quite deeply rooted in it. I'm not too keen on physical contact. I don't like to talk much. I tend to use logic and reason to figure out the best course of action (or I try at least). And overall I've been told I come across as distant and cold. But internally, I'm committed to the relationship. As I mentioned in a recent thread, I'd take a bullet to save my partner without hesitation. But I don't express that commitment in a constant stream of everyday things like smiling, holding hands, small talk, kissing, hugging, asking about their day. I'll make the big sacrifices no problem, but on a day to day basis I come across as not really caring. I go about my day. I expect my partner to do the same. And those everyday activities could actually be very separate - even things like preparing meals and eating.

Language processing and communication in general can be very distressing for me. Often it happens with good intentions. I've found that non-autistic people are very VERY bad at just being open and honest about what they want. This could happen through omission - not mentioning something because they decide it would upset me if I knew. Or through second-guessing my feelings - trying to make me happy by saying what they think I want to hear. Could be something big, or small - like what their preference is for takeout tonight. The feeling that the words I'm hearing don't match up with what they are feeling/thinking is super-distressing. It's like there's an earthquake. Nothing solid to hold on to. I can't focus my mind. It's chaos. Like a brain fracture. I've had this discussion so many times with partners, friends, family members. It never seems to sink in. I have to conclude it's an instinct that many non-autistic people have. Something compelling them to hide what they are actually thinking or feeling in order make me happy or avoid making me sad. No matter how many times I explain that it actually causes me real distress - like a physical pain, they still do it.

But that's just me and the way that relationships and autism collide for me. By far the best thing is for you to talk with your partner about how it works for them.

I’m going to publish a book about dating me, with ASD. It will be one page. I’ll just plagiarize your post here. It will sell a million copies. And I’ll split the profits with you.

You said it so fantastically. It actually made me feel less alone in the world.

Seriously….. less alone.