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Looking in the eye...

M

marraco

Well-Known Member
I have trouble sustaining the gaze, when looking other people. But I cannot clearly explain why.

Do you have the problem? Can you explain why? Not the real neurological causes, but what goes on your mind about it.

I feel uneasy looking somebody in the eye, even close relatives, but cannot put words on it. Cannot describe it.

I feel... invaded. Vulnerable. It distracts me and I cannot think clearly.

Even when I try to sustain the gaze to look normal, I just forget about it, and unconsciously turn my eyes to another place.

Even when I look at people, many times I look without "looking". Is normal that after speaking with somebody, I cannot even describe him. He was tall? Blonde? Bald? How was his face? No idea. Sometimes I do not know if I spoke to somebody before. Sometimes I recognize him when I see his face again, and only then I know that I saw him in the face.
 
I do slightly better with this as an adult, but as a kid I could never look someone in the eye. My dad forced me to a lot when he wanted to scare me. That's likely why I can't.
 
Harpuia said:
I do slightly better with this as an adult, but as a kid I could never look someone in the eye. My dad forced me to a lot when he wanted to scare me. That's likely why I can't.
Click to expand...

But, how would you describe what makes you look away? Just a distraction? Some feeling of unease? I have a mix of those.
 
If they aren't staring @ me I can look in their eye. If they're looking me in the eye it's uncomfortable and I usually just look @ their face or nose bridge. I was shaking hands with a guy I knew did very bad things, he held my shake long and acted overly cordial and nice, I freaked out internally.
 
Needtobreathe said:
If they aren't staring @ me I can look in their eye. If they're looking me in the eye it's uncomfortable and I usually just look @ their face or nose bridge. I was shaking hands with a guy I knew did very bad things, he held my shake long and acted overly cordial and nice, I freaked out internally.
Click to expand...

Not completely unrelated, but is the thing that your comment made me think off:

Somewhere I read that most NT feel uneasy, and look away when they are looked to the forehead. For NT's looking away may be a signal of submission. The one who sustain the gaze is the dominant one, and looking in the forehead triggers a submission reflex (but is not friendly).

I tested it with on some rude people who tried to intimidate me, and it worked.
 
I don't like looking people in the eye ever, i tend to duck my head and look away but part of that is that I can't see very well so I don't know if I am looking at them or not sometimes. I got yelled at once by a customer for not looking at him in the eye. I just I couldn't I really don't feel comfy looking people in the eye especially if I don't know them. I also at times don't know when not to look away especially in interviews Because I try to focus so much on being normal. I find I consciously have to make an effort to look at people or at least pretend to look at them. LP (loss Prevention) at work gets frustrated sometimes with me because I can't give good descriptions of people. I can't because I don't look at them. Not in the same way that other people do.
 
For me, it feels far too intimate. I equate it to holding somebody's hand whilst talking to them. It makes me feel naked and uncomfortable.
There's a saying that "the eyes are the window to the soul". Why should I let people I barely know look into my soul? They have to earn that right.
 
I find that I either lock onto their eyes for too long or look away altogether. However, when I was a kid I found it hard to look people in the eyes at all, looking at the ground whenever anyone spoke to me. I've sort of learned how to fake the "normal" way of looking at people during conversation, but it's taken me many years to achieve even this much. However, I can't be doing it correctly because I'm not good at remembering or describing faces; when you stare at the eyes, it's impossible to take in the whole face.
 
I do not look many people in the eyes. The only person I can really look in the eyes is my boyfriend but that is because looking people in the eyes makes me feel vulnerable, but he makes me feel safe and ok, therefore it is not a big issue with him unless I am trying to hide some emotion that I don't want to burden him with. At times he will ask me what is wrong but I really don't want to talk about it so I will avoid eye contact.
 
I have trouble looking people in the eye. It depends who it is:

-Strangers: No, never
-A mate/girlfriend, etc: Sometimes, maybe
-My Doctor/therapist: Sometimes, often
 
I prefer not to look others in the eye, with the exception of my partner. However, I have received so much flack for avoiding eye contact in my life that I will force myself to do it. It has become easier over the years. And it makes it easier to see when someone else is avoiding eye contact, which can sometimes be valuable information.
 
I'd avoided it throughout my childhood, and it wasn't until my teens that I made a conscious effort to do it. I really don't know why it's needed - it's intimidating and violating, at least to me. What everyone has said thus far pretty much sums it up though. I can do it in short bursts, longer if I'm comfortable with the person I'm talking to. Otherwise, I only do it as a learned habit, it's not something that comes to me naturally.
 
i tried looking people in the eye! i'll never forget it, nor do it again. i read somewhere, later on, that eye contact gives the fight or flight response in an aspie, but back then i didnt even know about my condition, my syndrome.
so i decided to look people in the eye so i'll know what they're all about. i realized i was such a lousy judge of charecter and thought well, maybe i can learn to read people...
and every person, and i mean EVERY DAMN PERSON i looked in the eye looked evil and menacing. it was like opening the gates to hell. and then i couldnt stop looking people in the eye even though i wanted to...
finally, i managed to stop. but it was like looking the devil in the eye.
 
marraco said:
Not completely unrelated, but is the thing that your comment made me think off:

Somewhere I read that most NT feel uneasy, and look away when they are looked to the forehead. For NT's looking away may be a signal of submission. The one who sustain the gaze is the dominant one, and looking in the forehead triggers a submission reflex (but is not friendly).

I tested it with on some rude people who tried to intimidate me, and it worked.
Click to expand...

so that's why people bully me all the time, because they think i'm timid since i break eye contact and they think it's a sign of submission. i'll try looking in their forehead next time and see what happens. thanks for the tip.
 
My report diagnosing me with Aspergers says "poor eye contact."

I always hated it which angered my teachers, and I grew my hair over one of my eyes for about 10 years, or I always had bangs in my eyes. I can't do it unless I'm mad. When I'm about to fight someone, I do stare at them.
I also do it if I like someone a lot.
 
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