'Lo Wolf, and it's a good thing you came back; I've joined AC back in June soon after being diagnosed (not formally) with Asperger's and it helped me out so much. I learned a lot and I feel like I found my niche, I used to pretty much never fit in anywhere. This is definitely the right place to help you feel comfortable with yourself. I've never been comfortable with myself because my behavior can be very off-putting and I've had so much history of just pushing everyone away. I really don't want to be doing that any longer. Each time I come on here I feel more and more like I belong somewhere.
Lone Wolf...it's how I always describe myself on here for the reason I mentioned in the last sentence (alternatively, I'm the lone dinosaur). I used to be lonely most of my life, hardly ever had any friends because of the way I behave. I managed to make a few in real life over the past couple of years but I'm just so worried about them leaving me because of how weird I am and the way I behave. It hasn't happened so far but I do suffer from anxiety which can get really really bad. I really don't want to go back to being a lone wolf ever again.
Socially and emotionally, I struggle all the time. I have so much trouble controlling my emotions which leads me to lash out at people, mainly my parents, verbally. It puts an unbearable strain on my relationships with these people and I just keep on hating myself so much, even the point of hitting myself in the face at times (not like I ever loved myself despite). I knew it was time to visit a therapist, and I should have done it YEARS sooner. I just struggle way too much and if I don't do anything about it I'm just gonna stay a lone wolf for the rest of my life. The therapist told me I have Asperger's and we currently work together on helping me cope with the NT world and manage my struggles one by one. We've been working on the anxieties and social ineptitude so far, and I feel like my anxieties have slightly diminished as a result (they're still pretty rough, but this takes time to master) - here's a post I made about it for more information -
Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method
There's a problem though, and that's the emotional aspect of this. I'm not sure he knows of a way to help me manage that and I just want to stop being a jerk to my parents all the time; these moods and meltdowns are impossible to bear for any of us. I always realize what I have done after it's already been done, and I end up drowning in an ocean of regret. THIS is my biggest struggle and I'm just amazed at how I never lost my parents' love after all this time, after the way I "reward" them for always having my best interests at heart, for always giving me such great love and support. I cannot take this anymore and if I keep on going down this road I'm not even sure if that love will be retained, I can say some pretty nasty things when I'm in a bad mood. And how can I even have a slightest chance of finally starting to love MYSELF if this doesn't stop? I just feel so sorry for them, they're great people and they don't deserve me for a "son".
Anyway, I'm getting way ahead over here. I really hope you get to see that therapist one day, for me it's been a slow start (I always adapt very slowly) - yet a start, and my mom and dad both see a ray of hope gleaming through all the storm clouds.
By the way I like video games too but I focus on one at a time usually. Is that avatar from Elder Scrolls? I used to play those games nonstop! I'm also fascinated by construction sites (just to observe, would never work at one - I'm too weak and fearful to do such a thing). In my past I used to be fascinated by streetlights, sprinklers, trucks with square cabins, and bottle caps; some specific mathematical stuff as well, like 4-digit integers that start with 9.
