Loss of special interest

[hiraeth]

Okay, I'm not sure if "loss" is appropriate, but it's in effect the same. Needing to distance myself from them? Not having enough energy to engage with them? The thought of engaging with them being really triggering? Knowing that this is going to be indefinite in the sense of, who knows when I'll be comfortable engaging with them again?

I've gone through this process multiple times throughout my life and I've found that no matter how much time I take away from it, when I'm in a mental place where I have the energy to engage again I'm still just as drawn and passionate, so I guess I'm not worried that I won't be able to recover the sense of interest in the future. I know it'll keep coming back, as much as I've often wanted it to go away because it isn't the easiest interest for me to have.

The presence of special interests, and an ability to hyperfocus on it, is often seen as a positive and empowering aspect of being autistic. At this point, as I'm still relatively early in my self-discovery, it feels like the only positive aspect. It certainly has been, for a long time, the only compelling reason to get up in the mornings, the only thing that gave me any energy or hope for the future, the thing that made my isolation bearable. But now I'm at a point where thinking about it is excessively painful. It always leads to me thinking about how, I'm apparently so fluent in and passionate about this subject, why couldn't I have used that to my advantage and actually make a life for myself out of it? Because I don't have the financial resources, don't have the interpersonal support, don't have the energy, and the worst part - don't have the ability to socialize and network in the ways that I would need, to a greater degree than "average people" in order to overcome the lack of resources that I'm starting with. I spent so long deluding myself into thinking that it would be as easy as finding the courage and taking the leap, but it isn't, it's going to be so much harder for me and right now, maybe not for a long time, I don't have what it takes to put myself through that level of stress, which seems so overwhelming it would probably destroy my interest altogether.

I need to be okay with just setting this aside for now, and focusing on self-care and healing, but it is heartbreaking. Maybe I just need to find some other positive aspects of being autistic so I don't fall into this trap of "I'm so disabled and incompetent I'll never amount to anything".

 

[Beverly]

I can relate to this. Music has always been my passion, my obsession. I wanted to be a celebrity when I was a child but, as a teen, due to all of the bullying and teasing, I abandoned that dream and decided I would be a songwriter or own a recording studio instead.

At seventeen, I snuck out to go to a concert (just a few weeks before I was emancipated.) I didn't know I was an Aspie then but, one of the guys in the band was. He helped me get in to the concert (I didn't have tickets) and, talked my dad out of punishing me. We became friends and, it was through him that I got my first chance to perform on stage. I was terrified I'd be laughed off the stage but, I wasn't. (I did face hecklers later in my career but, not at first.)

Sneaking off to that concert was scary. I knew my dad would belt me, and he left blood blisters with that belt. Getting on that stage for the first time was a terrifying jumble of sensory overload and worry of being laughed at, embarrassing myself, not being good enough and, disappointing the band who were all my friends by then but, I am glad I took the chances and, did it.

I had my time in the spotlight and, now I'm a freelance songwriter so, because I took the chances, in spite of my fear, I was blessed enough to be able to realize my tow biggest childhood and teen aged dreams.

I know how hard it is to find the inner courage and strength to do what it takes to make dreams come true and, I know few, if anyone can do it alone. I couldn't have done it alone. Maybe you just need to find that one person that will give you the help you need to discover the strength and courage to do it. Put your dream on hold for a while and take care of you if you need to but, don't give up on it - when you are at your best, it might not look so daunting and, that person that can help you take that first step might be there.

 

[hiraeth]

Yeah, that's how it seems to go for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I have serious trust issues now. If someone came up to me and offered to help, even if they framed it not as "I have access to some opportunity/resource that can help you" but as "I also have this passion and I'm also struggling to get started, let's tackle this together from the ground up"... my instinct would be to react with suspicion and I don't know what it would take to convince me that they're not going to take advantage of me, since I'm so obviously easy to take advantage of given how little I have, and then discard me when it's no longer convenient for them. I guess it would be easier for me if that person was as isolated as I am and understand the magnitude and impact of their offer to me (ie. it's not casual, it's not something I'm "trying out" while considering other options), if they also understand abandonment and betrayal and have made a commitment to not pass on those behaviours, as I have made a conscious effort to work on that.

I think a big part of self-care at this point is learning to trust other people again, in small incremental levels, so that if someone presents an opportunity and invites me to make this life changing decision based on something they're saying / offering, I'll be able to approach it more calmly and skillfully.

I'm not sure where to start with that though, since I stink at meeting people.

 

[Beverly]

That is a good plan, hiraeth. I think the first step to learning to trust people in a certain environment or industry is to be a part of that environment or industry. Not in a professional way, just as a guest or observer. Start with websites and forums for what you want to do. You don't need to post or anything, just research information and, read forums, see what those people say to each other. If you feel comfortable later, post a little bit and start talking to them online, follow some of them on social media. Just get a feel for who those people are in a general sense first.

We tend to fear the unknown, and, once we know it, we fear it less so, get to know the industry you want to be a part of without having to interact at first.

 

[Datura]

I can relate to interests becoming a trigger.

Last year I was trying to start up an Anime and J-rock cover band. After months of trying to get people organized I finally gave up.

This left me with a lot of bitter feeling surrounding both music and anime. I continued to love both, but became avoidant of them none-the-less.

I abandoned a research project in which it was my goal to watch a series of landmark anime in chronological order. I always felt bad about this, and intend to get back to it when I find the time.

My inability to play music was much more traumatic. I continued to practice with a cover band for a while, but frankly, they had stagnated. I wanted to move forward and start focusing on originals, or at least completely overhaul the set list. But they were content to play the same songs we had been performing for years. I began to feel terribly frustrated and became upset with myself for not doing more with my talent, not creating the music I heard in my head. I spent so much energy obsessing over my own perceived failures that there was none left with which to create. It got to the point that I would have a panic attack whenever it was time for rehearsal.

The most painful part is that I was no less passionate, just utterly debilitated by my own obsessive thought processes.

Now I am trying to get back into music, this time on my own terms. I am currently running into an absurd wall of technical difficulties, but once I resolve them I intend to start churning out demos.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be mostly self sufficient, at least to begin with, as my music interests do not align with the majority of musicians I know. Perhaps once I have a few songs as a proof of concept I will be able to attract some like-minded individuals.

Also relevant; I was just watching Kiki's Delivery Service. In it the main character (who is a witch) suddenly finds herself unable to fly. One of her mentors, a painter, reveals that there were long stretches of time in which she was unable to to paint anything at all, no matter how hard she tried. Her advice was simply to stop trying. Take a break, and when you are ready it will come to you.

 

[royinpink]

I began to feel terribly frustrated and became upset with myself for not doing more with my talent, not creating the music I heard in my head. I spent so much energy obsessing over my own perceived failures that there was none left with which to create. It got to the point that I would have a panic attack whenever it was time for rehearsal.

Her advice was simply to stop trying. Take a break, and when you are ready it will come to you.

I think these are really key points. I largely lost my special interests for years because I would always set myself new rules and standards for pursuing them. When you do that, you run the risk of being more attached to the rules in an attempt to prove yourself or be good enough or whatever your goal is, rather than the interest itself. Passions are always about the object of your interest, first and foremost. It's when you aren't trying to "amount to something" and are instead immersing yourself in what you love that, ironically, you are better able to find success--because placing those life-or-death expectations on yourself is what makes it stressful and overwhelming.

Also, some people can combine their passions with a job, and some cannot, and that is okay. It's okay to think of a job as just a way to get by in the world, and passions as something reserved for free time.

 

[Beverly]

Music is a funny thing when you put it on the stage all the world is watching. The agents and managers what what it tested, what they know works, the public wants something new and exciting and, the musicians just want to do it their way.

The problem is no one can agree on much of anything and, the only way you're going to get something new and exciting out there is to just go on and do it - show the stuffed shirts that people do want it, it will work.

Where would music be without the pioneers of the past? We wouldn't have any jazz, rock, pop, rap, hip-hop, country, rockabilly, psychedelic or any of it, except possibly classical were it not for brave individuals the got out there and did their own thing, taught the world a new song or three.

I can see A-Rock (Anime Rock) working, there are millions of Anime fans and Millions of rock fans, just maybe you, Datura, will be the one to bring the two together in a show the world has never seen the likes of before and, just maybe both sets of fans will love it.

 

[Datura]

Well, I am not perusing the anime cover project any more (though I may in the future) but I am definitely inspired by a lot of Japanese musicians, especially in the Visual Kei genre. Part of the challenge would be integrating my foreign influences in a manner that is both authentic and accessible.

 

[Beverly]

You may want to have a look at this FB page for some inspiration. They are all North American J-pop and Visual Kei bands. Some more extreme than others.

North American JRock & Visual Kei Bands & Fans | Facebook

The Asian style is beginning to trend here, so it's a good time to break into music with it. Right now, there is a lot of debate as to if it's appropriate, or correct for Non Asian bands to do it, but that will die off and, it will be the "in" thing. Fans want it, it's just a matter of getting the right sound to go with the look and, not being so extreme in look or sound as to only appeal to a niche audience.

Make it appeal to rock and/or pop fans in general on some level but, make it attractive to Visual Kei fans as well. It is a cultural mash-up that can work, if it's done with a little class and, not overdone.

 

[Datura]

I largely lost my special interests for years because I would always set myself new rules and standards for pursuing them. When you do that, you run the risk of being more attached to the rules in an attempt to prove yourself or be good enough or whatever your goal is, rather than the interest itself. Passions are always about the object of your interest, first and foremost. It's when you aren't trying to "amount to something" and are instead immersing yourself in what you love that, ironically, you are better able to find success--because placing those life-or-death expectations on yourself is what makes it stressful and overwhelming.

This is a rather good point. I think it's rather well illustrated by my anime project. Someone recently asked me if I had seen Evangellion and I told her it was on my list, but I was still in the70s so it would be a while before I got to it. She told me I should just watch it anyway, which was reasonable, but clashed with my plans.

Thinking about it, half of the reason I embarked on this project in the first place was to gain a deeper understanding of how the medium has evolved over time. I have already achieved this through my research. The other half was to suss out the gems from bygone eras. I already have an extensive list of influential an critically acclaimed titles, and chronology is impertinent to fulfilling this second criteria.

In music I suppose I can be too inflexible. I hear it a certain way in my head, so when other people start inserting their ideas and changing what I have already established I become very protective and **** people out. A bit of assertiveness is a good thing, but I should really be more flexible.

I composed some pieces for a soundtrack a while ago and was happy with most of my compositions. I was upset when I received the final cut however as some of the scenes deviated significantly from what was described to me. Had I known how my music would be used I would have written something different that would have worked much better. The worst part is that I composed one piece that transitions from rock to marching band music, but in the final cut they truncated the entire transition and replaced it with a fade. A freaking fade! I felt gutted.