Lost and Confused

[Nathan Jones]

Hi

42 year old male, always struggled with life. Long term depression anxiety.

I think I might have Asperger's. I asked my GP for a referral on Monday and he asked me to write down why. I did, then subsequently had a meltdown. I'm just about getting my head working again today.

I'm going to struggle terribly, though, while I wait for this referral to come through. I think I need someone to advise me on some coping strategies. Anything. I'm not doing very well at the moment.

Nathan.

 

[Tom]

Hi & welcome,
Are you on any meds for anxiety?

 

[StephF]

Hey Nathan

 

[Nathan Jones]

Hi & welcome,
Are you on any meds for anxiety?

Hi. Yes, but they don't really do much and I daren't dabble with the stronger meds as I know how easily I get addicted to anything. Literally anything.

 

[Nathan Jones]

Hey Nathan

Hi Steph

Glad to meet you.

I'm 42 years old and I think in the last two days I've only just begun to understand myself. I'm so dizzy right now, so nervous. I've spent nearly a whole lifetime despising myself and I desperately want to begin forgiving myself.

Sorry, probably very inappropriate to dive in like this but I'm struggling right now.

N.

 

[Tom]

If you are on the spectrum it may go a long way towards explaining some things. Have you studied the characteristics of HFA or taken any autism/aspergers self tests?

 

[Tom]

P.S.
No, it's not inappropriate. Maybe you feel awkward, but awkward is our middle name. Inappropriate is more like bashing, etc.

 

[Nathan Jones]

I only recently began investigating. I saw some people with Asperger's on the TV and the experience was cathartic. They moved like me, spoke like me, and seemed to describe encountering the same difficulties.

This was a few weeks ago and I've struggled with the information but finally took some self tests this weekend. I scored high, so I assumed I was looking for a positive diagnosis. So I tried again, being less "needful" and driven by any self-pity. I scored in the middle of the normal distribution (Ie. very likely Aspie). Conferred with the wife, retested. Still positive. Got mum to read the description. She cried.

I program databases and when I'm really concentrated I can outwork anyone, anyone, sometimes I can even see three dimensional data maps in my mind. I've been running away from work, though, because I find the meetings and the office too stressful.

I keep trying to research Asperger's more but can only manage about 30 mins before I cry again. It's like somebody is telling me who I am for the first time. So emotional, man, so emotional.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you may well be on the spectrum. I didn't have the same reaction when I realized it. Perhaps it was because I had become accustomed to being 'different' for so long. So for me it was just the title that was missing.

As far as work goes, that is typical for us, disliking noise, social interaction, etc. But rather then withdraw, you might seek to modify the situation to be better, more sustainable for you. I rarely suggest people tell others about ther diagnosis, but if you get one, it might be useful in getting work conditions modified. But that isn't something I would do without fully thinking it out. Sharing the info with co-workers or bosses can work out ok, or it might also give you a label and get you assigned negative stereotypes.

But just the knowledge is useful and might be enough. Like if you get along well with a supervisor, asking for their assistance in getting a quieter place and maybe not having to attend all meetings. I have had that work for me, without ever going into mentioning specific mental conditions.

 

[Adora]

Hi Nathan I hope this can help you I only recently found out myself it was psychologist that pointed it out I'm on a similar journey to yours trying figure things out.

 

[Nathan Jones]

Sound advice. I work for the NHS in England. They are very liberal organisation and there would be no problem with sharing the diagnosis. Besides, I have a habit of sharing too much. I find it very difficult not to divulge things about myself, and if I try to, it causes me stress/anxiety.

Damn, I'm so bitter right now. Most of my life spent trying to fit in and failing again and again, wondering what's wrong with me, hating myself, when all I needed was someone to tell me I'm different. Guide me a little.

I feel like I've got to start my whole life again.

 

[Adora]

Sadly that's what happens when you spend a majority of your life not knowing what in the world is going on,I couldn't understand why when I was a kid I was called weird or retard by other kids,fitting in was never my strong suit at all

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC, Nathan. Yeah, many of us have been in that place you're in. I stumbled onto all of it in my mid 50s...so I know what a shock it can be to discover you aren't alone and never were. Yet with nearly every social encounter you're left going through life feeling like an alien who just didn't belong.

Self-awareness is where it all begins, no matter what age you are presently. Don't be surprised to find you have a lot in common with us. We can be diverse in any number of ways, yet there are traits and behaviors that so many of us share as well.

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard.
I can identify with what you are experiencing.
There are many ways to try to alleviate anxiety and stressful symptoms.
You could try;
meditation, sitting in a dark room with no noise, or white noise, noise canceling head phones, earplugs, soothing peaceful music

Painting, drawing, finger paints,
Creative writing, organizing, categorizing items.

Controlled breathing, measured and self regulated. Vigorous exercise,

Try the chat room here or socializing with members of this site

It is a difficult process, understanding and accepting a diagnosis, even a selfie. I rode an emotional roller coaster for several months after official diagnosis at age 33. I had self diagnosed 1-2 years earlier.

Try to think positive, hope to see you posting around here often
Best wishes

 

[watersprite]

Welcome Nathan Jones. I see Rocco has given one of his beautiful paintings above. Gazing at it makes me feel calm and safer, I hope it does for you as well.

 

[Tom]

Rocco's paintings are great!

 

[Rocco]

I started painting as therapy in one of the most painful times of my life. It has helped me to overcome so much. I hope everyone can find something similar.

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Nathan

You are enormously brave to go through with this!

I went to the dr for something else and in the end, ended up saying I have aspergers but she asked if I was professionally diagnosed and I could not lie and then she said that she really didn't think I was, due to seeing classic autistic patients. But she has not gone forward and so, I am relieved from that stress!

I won't get professionally diagnosed because I can not deal with they prying into my childhood.

Do you have to go forward for a professional diagnoses?

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome, Nathan. Please feel warmly embraced here at AC. You are very much appreciated here. We remember the feelings of just being so blown away with this initial realization. The pain you feel now is truly deep, though it is temporary. We are all here to support you, to companion you through your present challenges, and then to delight along with you on your upcoming discovery process.

Humans naturally seek balance, and yours will be restored. Even if you have never felt "quite right," you will soon come to see that here you are surrounded by kind, smart, silly, insightful, gifted people, just like yourself. The dark valley you travel through now will not stop you from emerging into the sunshine of autistic appreciation of your amazing gifts, to love your autistic self.

You can begin with an ASD specialist for a therapist. Feeling understood will feel wondrous. Don't be surprised if your therapist (if an ASD specialist) encourages you to truly be yourself-- for the first time in your life.

Please remember to be extra good to yourself right now. Remember to breathe.

We share our strength with you now. (((((Hugs))))))

 

[Warmheart]

Rocco, thank you for sharing your magic. You are wonderful!