Lost my friend, what to do?

[Canismajoris]

I guess that no-one here is surprised as I say that I have not had that many close friends...

But this particular friend of mine mentioned in topic was my best friend until 2013. We had been quite close friends since mid-90's. He is 5 years older than me, but besides of that we experienced quite alot together....

But then during 2010-2012 I had very big changes in my life (sort of spiritual awakening, quit drinking alcohol and eating meat, broke up with my ex) and that lead to the situation that we did not have that much in common (men seem to have problems staying friends while sober..).

There were also some unfortunate issues that made things trickier than before (as I broke up with my ex, who was a friend with both of us, I guess he needed to choose sides, and as I was the "bad" one, it was obvious that he felt easier to show empathy for my ex.).

Well we did meet a few times during 2013-1016, but after that we had spoken only once in a phone (as I called him somewhere around 2017). After that complete radio silence.

Two weeks ago I tried to call him, but as he did not reply, I sent him a message asking how is he. He replied to message that "the same as before". I also asked if he has any summer vacation plans and he replied that "no". After that I told him that I have moved with my wife (again) and would he like to come and visit us, as we dont live that far away anymore (around 20 miles or so and I know he has car). To that he did not reply anymore...

I must say that I don't care that much of social life but this feels quite bad to be honest. :/ I know I made mistakes in the past and did not keep as much of contact as it would have been good to do, but neither did he.

My wife had a guess that we just grew apart from each other.

What do you think? Game over or still some chances for respawn? If so: How?

 

[Fino]

Sounds hopeless to me!

Two years of silence then you randomly tried calling him? Why?

But it's hard to say without knowing any of the details of what happened in the past, like if there's something you should be apologizing for or something to reconcile or something along those lines.

But I wouldn't see any reason to randomly agree to starting up a friendship that had been non-existent for two years and barely existed before that anyway.

It does seem like we're missing a lot of information though so I could be way off.

 

[Canismajoris]

Sounds hopeless to me!

Two years of silence then you randomly tried calling him? Why?

But it's hard to say without knowing any of the details of what happened in the past, like if there's something you should be apologizing for or something to reconcile or something along those lines.

But I wouldn't see any reason to randomly agree to starting up a friendship that had been non-existent for two years and barely existed before that anyway.

It does seem like we're missing a lot of information though so I could be way off.

I called him because I drove past his home when coming from work trip. I thought that why not?

And for me two years doesnt feel that long...

 

[BraidedPony]

People are different. I would have been very happy to hear from an old friend!
Since he doesnt return your calls, the friendship is over unless in the future he contacts you. Then decide if you want to be friends with him.
Who knows what people have said about you....exaggerations and lies....

 

[Canismajoris]

Then decide if you want to be friends with him.

I have no reason not to be. And even if I would have, it is next to impossible for me to carry grudge.

Time will tell.

Thank you both!

 

[GadAbout]

People with autism not only have trouble starting friendships, but also trouble maintaining them. No contact for two years probably seemed to your friend like you had lost interest in him, and when you resumed contact, he probably wondered what's that about?

I would not pursue this unless you hear from him again. His silence is his reply.

But if you want to learn something from this for the future, try to keep in touch more regularly with people you care for.

 

[SusanLR]

I know how time goes by and to us it doesn't seem long or that things have changed.
Part of autism? Don't know, but, always been that way myself.
Also I find my feelings don't change and it's like nothing has happened. Things still should be the same.
But, I don't think it is that way with most and things do change easily with them.
Makes it seem like everything is shallow with them.
That's always the way I've felt.

It seems like a lost cause unless he contacts you now.
My autistic view of relationships:

 

[Suzanne]

I feel for you, because I lost my best friend too.

She taught me what friendship is about and we were friends for 4 years, but she chose a different path and one that I could not remain friends with her and so, had to stop and in truth, it broke my heart.

She tried to reconnect with me a couple of times, but it is too dangerous for my spiritual make up to be in touch with her and I won't affend my God.

 

[Baeraad]

I know how time goes by and to us it doesn't seem long or that things have changed.
Part of autism? Don't know, but, always been that way myself.
Also I find my feelings don't change and it's like nothing has happened. Things still should be the same.
But, I don't think it is that way with most and things do change easily with them.
Makes it seem like everything is shallow with them.
That's always the way I've felt.

It seems like a lost cause unless he contacts you now.
My autistic view of relationships: View attachment 55686

I'm like that too, I think. It's always stressful that things keep changing over time, because it doesn't feel like they should - or at least, they should only change because someone actively changes them. Things shouldn't just... fall apart. And yet, I know perfectly well that it's an actual law of nature that everything inevitably falls apart over time.

But yeah. As far as the OP's friend goes, it does look like he's made his wishes clear. It's sad.

 

[Fino]

I don't think it makes it shallow that two years without contact caused change. The only thing shallow would be the relationship that was okay with having that long of a silence. To me, important relationships are nurtured, and even if it weren't for the sake of the relationship itself, if you like someone enough that you want a relationship with them, then wouldn't not seeing them or talking to them decrease your quality of life? Otherwise, what do they matter to you?

 

[Canismajoris]

Great comments. Love you people. This sure is one more lesson for me to learn... :/

 

[Peter Morrison]

I suspect that this long-lost friend might be sad, depressed, or somehow incapable of finding the fun in seeing you again. Clearly, something changed in him, and it might not be something exciting or interesting. He may be dealing with problems that make the idea of "nostalgia" unappetizing. If he wants to keep his distance, leave him alone. If seeing him again would be some kind of closure for you, give one more attempt at meeting up. The fact that you are trying to meet up with him again means that he has, or had, some qualities that you valued. His reluctance to respond is a sign, though.

 

[Canismajoris]

I suspect that this long-lost friend might be sad, depressed, or somehow incapable of finding the fun in seeing you again. Clearly, something changed in him, and it might not be something exciting or interesting. He may be dealing with problems that make the idea of "nostalgia" unappetizing. If he wants to keep his distance, leave him alone. If seeing him again would be some kind of closure for you, give one more attempt at meeting up. The fact that you are trying to meet up with him again means that he has, or had, some qualities that you valued. His reluctance to respond is a sign, though.

He never judged me although I was never the normal or easy weirdo around. He also helped me and provided me a place to sleep when my ex throw me out. Something I am ever gratefull.

Thank you for your insights! I think I have nothing to lose if I send one more message...

 

[sisselcakes]

I suspect that this long-lost friend might be sad, depressed, or somehow incapable of finding the fun in seeing you again. Clearly, something changed in him, and it might not be something exciting or interesting. He may be dealing with problems that make the idea of "nostalgia" unappetizing. If he wants to keep his distance, leave him alone. If seeing him again would be some kind of closure for you, give one more attempt at meeting up. The fact that you are trying to meet up with him again means that he has, or had, some qualities that you valued. His reluctance to respond is a sign, though.

This is an interesting perspective. I feel badly because I can go long periods without talking to friends when I'm going through a depressed time in my life.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I feel badly because I can go long periods without talking to friends when I'm going through a depressed time in my life.

These issues surrounding relationships can be very confusing. Between distance, finding a circle of friends, a change in adolescent attitudes, and just not finding one's company to be what it had been, we can easily let friendships slip away. I can go radio silent (if that's the right term) when I am not in the mood to talk or listen to anyone. I'm never sure about the influences governing my contact patterns. I think about certain people a lot, and when I hear from them, of if I contact them, it's like old times again. I see these people as the real, authentic relationships in my life. I've lived in a lot of foreign countries, so my routines were always interrupted getting acclimated to different environments. New things capture my attention, so I don't worry about how long it has been since I spoke to anyone. When I make contact, it's always good. Those close friendships that I have developed over time include the reality of me being distant or silent for years at a time. The people who matter understand this as my normal behavior. I'm not accused of slighting anyone. I think I'm lucky. If a relationship becomes a chore, I don't want to play anymore.

Depression definitely plays a role in this behavior, but depression isn't the only culprit. Being too busy getting through work, life, and whatever projects that might be consuming you can influence contact. If I don't get my "down time", I can't sustain a busy life. And, as everyone points out, phone calls, e-mails, and personal thinking time all conflict with one another. I can do one at a time only. Each activity requires being in "the zone". If I try to assess my periods of silence, I believe I can clearly see moods governing my lack of interest. I've been this way all my life, so it doesn't surprise me. Depression takes a chunk out of everything.