Loving kindness

[SimonSays]

I like to practice loving kindness. But it sometimes conflicts with my need to be apart and not get involved. If I can do something without being noticed I will. I used to find it difficult to accept thanks or gratitude, so had to do it this way so that there was less chance of being confronted with it. I later realised I was avoiding something that not only gives the other person the opportunity to express their feelings, but is nice.

It all came out of feeling a need to be unconditional. Even the thought of receiving thanks or thinking I might, somehow had a certain condition to it. I once had a conversation with somebody who happened to be Christian, and he said that he did things for others in order to get something back. This didn't sound right to me.

I gave my ex a bottle of Port for her birthday one year, and because I knew she would only have a small glass every so often, after she’d gone through about a third of the bottle, when she wasn't around, I began topping it up with a small amount from the three other bottles I’d secretly stashed under the stairs, with the intention of creating an everlasting bottle for her, and wondering if she would ever notice. Every time she had some, over the next three months, I would put the same amount back in. I managed to fit those three bottles into her original one.

Then one day I asked if she was enjoying her port, saying she seemed to be making it last a long time. I was actually wondering if she had noticed what was happening but wasn't saying anything so that I would just continue doing it and she would always have Port! But when I told her what I'd been doing, that was the real gift, to see her face when she knew what I’d done. She really had no idea. She couldn't understand why she hadn't noticed. I think she just really savoured it. She never bought any for herself. She was a simple girl who lived in the present. I had a feeling she wouldn't notice. I'm glad I was right. I love being creative like that.

 

[tree]

"...when I told her what I'd been doing...."

I was expecting you to say that she became angry at you for tricking her.

 

[SimonSays]

"...when I told her what I'd been doing...."

I was expecting you to say that she became angry at you for tricking her.

Lol. But it was a lovely deceit. Why would anyone be angry at being given a gift like that?

 

[tree]

A person who is sensitive to having their lack of awareness pointed out could
perceive "the gift" as saying *I'm smarter than you. You never noticed what
I was doing.*

 

[SimonSays]

A person who is sensitive to having their lack of awareness pointed out could
perceive "the gift" as saying *I'm smarter than you. You never noticed what
I was doing.*

Fair point.

I couldn't know for sure, but I was pretty sure she would love it, and love having her favourite drink for months. I never revealed it as... look what I could do and you never noticed.

She loved it, and laughed at the assumption that nothing like that could or would possibly happen. She had no idea, which was what made it funny. Not to show her how unaware she could be, but to give her a gift in an unusual way.

I wonder how many people would have noticed? Especially if the idea wasn't imagined, and it was being done subtly. Try it.

 

[SimonSays]

I tried something different on her next birthday. I got her a small gift and put it in a large box, and filled the empty space with stones so that it was heavy and made it seem as if it contained an expensive gift. Not the funniest joke. But on her next birthday, I again gave her a large box that was heavy and looked like it contained an expensive gift, and of course, she was wise to my shenanigans and expected it to be full of stones again, only to discover it was full of gifts this time. I have been playing the long game in that first instance.

I would play games with my daughter too. I would hide a gift in the house, then give her a written cryptic clue as to where it might be. She would eventually find the spot, only to discover another clue waiting instead. She wouldn't know how many clues would actually lead her to the gift. I liked watching her get all excited as she figured things out.

Another time, I brought her a random gift and placed it in a very obscure and hard to see spot in her room, and wondered how long it would take for her to notice… she noticed it within a few minutes, even though it wasn't her birthday or Christmas, and she wasn't expecting anything to come to her. I had to really step up my game in order to fool her even for a short time.

 

[Wolfsage]

I once had a conversation with somebody who happened to be Christian, and he said that he did things for others in order to get something back. This didn't sound right to me.

It's not. You do good things for others. Because you want to help. Not for a reward.

 

[Fino]

Lovingkindness is the love of God!

 

[Gracey]

Loving kindness.

An interesting concept

To give of yourself freely and without condition.

I've often wondered, and sometimes tied my thoughts up in knots,
at not only the motivation behind the 'giving'
but what could truly be classed as a genuine kindness. Unconditional.

Personally, I thought you did well with your port example until you brought attention to it in a discussion with your ex.
To have continued refilling indefinitely without ever mentioning the fact but doing so anyway, to me, would be 'freely giving'

which brings me back to motivation behind the giving. Not you personally
but in general.

What motivates someone to give of their time, kindness, love freely and unconditionally?
Is it genuine?

Your christian example of giving and expecting something in return, I think, was a blatant example of what many others do on a much more subtle level.

For example, volunteers may give of their time and skills for free but they're still getting some sort of satisfaction in return.
Perhaps fulfilling a need to contribute? Sense of purpose? Sense of duty? Looks great on a resume? Chance to gain skills?
Their motivation to 'give' is in exchange for fulfilling a need or gaining something in return. Albeit subtle and perhaps on a subconscious level?

Even in love there are expectations. To love and be loved.

As I've mentioned, I tie my thoughts up in knots on this subject

 

[SimonSays]

Personally, I thought you did well with your port example until you brought attention to it in a discussion with your ex.
To have continued refilling indefinitely without ever mentioning the fact but doing so anyway, to me, would be 'freely giving'

Perhaps. But as I mentioned, after four bottles of expensive alcohol, I did wonder if she'd noticed but decided not to say anything and just enjoy her never ending drink, LOL.

Besides, you can't keep filling a single bottle forever, and it had finally begun to get low as I had nothing left to fill it with. The experiment had run its course. This wasn't about giving her Port forever, although I can see how it could have gone on if I'd had more bottles under the stairs.

Even in love there are expectations. To love and be loved.

Right. It's hard to do something truly unconditional. Even deciding to do something truly unconditional has the condition of doing something truly unconditional attached to it.

 

[CynthiaC]

What motivates me to do something is the feeling I get...I like knowing I could have made someone's day, or that I put something good out there in the world 'paying it forward.' I don't even expect a response...although, I think my ego gets tied up when I begin something as a kind intention, and get upset if someone doesn't recognize it. Then I see it wasn't actually 'for nothing in return.'
But when it is for nothing in return...only just to see someone happy perhaps, that's the best. But sometimes we do kind things for no expectation, no knowing someone was even happy with what we did...

 

[SimonSays]

I don't even expect a response...although, I think my ego gets tied up when I begin something as a kind intention, and get upset if someone doesn't recognize it

Yes. It feels to me like looking for validation. To know that the idea was a good one. And the proof is the recognition. But then as you say, if it doesn't come, and it leaves us upset, doubting ourselves, we have to look at how unconditional our intention actually was.

 

[SimonSays]

But when it is for nothing in return...only just to see someone happy perhaps, that's the best. But sometimes we do kind things for no expectation, no knowing someone was even happy with what we did...

That is the purest I think.

When I was in Israel on Kibbutz, one of the volunteers was leaving to visit the UK and find her family. She wasn't sure if she had enough to get where she was going once she got there and was a bit worried. I gave her an envelope and asked her not to open it until she was on the plane. I'd put a £20 note inside and the words 'hope this helps'. I knew I would never see her again, but I knew how I would've felt opening that envelope.

Well, a few months later she came back. She didn't actually need it, but wanted to tell me how much it meant to her knowing she had it, and to return it even though she had no idea I'd still be there.

That was close to a pure giving I think. I still felt good about myself doing it at the time, but never imagined being thanked by her in person.

 

[SusanLR]

Acts of unconditional kindness like this are a wonderful thing.
But, as I see on many of the posts, even if you do it with no expectation
of a return, there still is, albeit emotional.

It makes you happy to know you've made or attempted to make someone
else happy. There in lies your reward.
It is still a good action.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I do things for people to make myself feel good.
Bonus if you get something tangible back, but not to expect it, the act just gives my ego a nice polish