Low self esteem cause theory

[mw2530]

Many of us with ASD have low self esteem or low self worth unless we work very hard at changing our thought patterns. There are probably a wide range of factors that contribute to the problem. I feel one of the main factors that makes it difficult to develop higher self esteems is our inability to recognize flaws in other people. I struggle with it at least when I interact with someone and even with people I know well. From afar I'm able to see flaws in others quicker. For example, if I watch a movie or read a book, it is easy to see flaws in characters. Not that we should activity be seeking out flaws in others, but I think it probably comes naturally to NT's. People are often such a mystery to me that I lump them all together and assume they are all the same. They seem so sure of themselves when conversing with them that it is to become submissive rather than stay an equal. The point is that is when we are unable to recognize flaws in others, yet see the flaws that we possess we may incorrectly conclude that we do not match up to them. It probably takes place at subconscious level. Does this make sense to anyone?

 

[Thinx]

Yes I can relate to that and I think it can trip us up in interactions with others. Everyone's a mix of qualities, everyone's flawed, I know in theory but I often fail to bear it in mind and then get disappointed and hurt when there's behaviour that feels problematic towards me. I see it as me being unusually simple and trusting and in NT terms I seem naive I guess. It does happen a lot and you'd expect to learn and adjust yet... does my brain reset into auto simple and direct maybe?! And yes there's self doubt there too, not sure how directly connected that is, but it seems high in comparison to NT others with similar achievements.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think you're on the right track, and it's one of the big things I'm trying to get better at right now. What's written below is what I am trying to internalize and make my normal thinking. Don't go thinking that I've got it all figured out - it's a work in progress.

I tend to overanalyze everything and what do I know better than anyone else? My own shortcomings. So what gets overanalyzed the most? My own shortcomings. As an autistic, I'm also very good at ignoring other people's opinions, which makes me toss out the good they say about me and focus even more on the bad.

Just like @Thinx says, every person, NT or ND, is a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses. We need to accept our weaknesses and strengths, then learn to use our strengths where we can and overcome our weaknesses as much as we can. We also need to accept that we will never be completely rid of our weaknesses.

I've heard (and stolen for my own use) these expressions:

Comparing yourself to anyone else isn't fair - it will never be an apples-to-apples comparison. More like apples-to-wildebeasts.

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

Don't compare your chapter 2 to someone else's chapter 20.

And my favorite phrase for us imperfect beings:

Welcome to the human race.

 

[Progster]

I agree - when something goes wrong or there's a misunderstanding, I tend to assume that it is me who is at fault, when that is not necessarily the case. I default to negative thinking and take it to heart. I'm not so good at recognising faults in other people.

 

[Bolletje]

I do see the flaws in other people, but I’m more forgiving. I see people as the whole package, and (generally) not as defined by their flaws. I’m just a lot more ruthless when it comes to judging myself.

 

[pjcnet]

I agree and not seeing flaws in other people can also make us vulnerable, often because we see the best in people and want to please, then it's also sometimes difficult for autistic people to say "no" to people which is one problem I suffer with and with everything combined it's got me used, abused and put in adverse situations on numerous occasions throughout my life. Unfortunately a much higher proportion of people with ASD have been taken advantage of compared to NTs and can also get tricked or pressured into adverse situations where they unfairly pay the price. This is only one possible cause for low self esteem, but it can be a big and common one for people with ASD.

 

[FreeDiver]

Here's one lesson I've learned about life that can be hard for any ND person, including me. And that's realizing that you're not the only one who's got problems in this world. It's incredibly easy to just put the blame for every social mishap on your ASD condition. Plus, it's easy to perceive the world that way. Eather way, letting your ASD condition hold you, prisoner, can really take a toll on your self-esteem.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Having no agenda, it's easy to forget, other people do.

Many of us with ASD have low self esteem or low self worth unless we work very hard at changing our thought patterns.

I kind of think of thought as like a virus. A human virus.
Like when you get tested at school for various diseases, some people are naturally immune but for some it has a bad effect.
Perhaps our bodies are trying to reject it

I think many years of being treated in a normal way - that works for ordinary people
Helps Foster low self esteem.

As we see the world differently or process the language virus without the human or socialsocial {Ie literally) interactions with early authority figures I parents,teachers is more problematic.

We are then defined by them, despite us knowing different.
We are not understood and thus labelled incorrectly.

This can result in low self esteem.
All that work just to be heard.
All that time being misunderstood and being dismissed when you tell the truth about yourself -as it does not fit the label you have been given.
Not knowing why when you express yourself simply it is taken with great hate or is misunderstood.

That kind of thing.

 

[Tom]

I don't have low self esteem. Its others who esteem me low because I am different.

 

[Gritches]

I like that and I agree, it's sort of like we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards

 

[mw2530]

I was listening to something a while back discussing how we all have wishes and desires. Wish is good and important because it keeps people moving forward and that is healthy. We all want better. But it is unhealthy when we are jealous of what others have. But you cannot just look at desirable things someone else has in the vacuum. You have to take into consideration the whole person's life including there problems or difficulties they have faced. It is funny, many times I prefer my life and the good and bad in it when compared to others. Even though I've had my share of difficult times.

 

[mw2530]

I agree - when something goes wrong or there's a misunderstanding, I tend to assume that it is me who is at fault, when that is not necessarily the case. I default to negative thinking and take it to heart. I'm not so good at recognising faults in other people.

I'm they same way with the default negative thinking. I've read it takes a good two weeks to begin changing your automatic thoughts. But basically you have to be very aware of your thoughts on nearly a minute by minute basis because the negative thoughts will take over if you don't actively challenge them. I need to muster the energy to start challenging these thoughts instead of believing in them.

 

[Thinx]

Good point about negative thoughts yes I am the same and that's useful to think about being active in challenging them as it can be a default that's quite unhelpful and undermining. Just gotta remember to do it and that probably requires a written plan with set procedures

 

[pjcnet]

I was listening to something a while back discussing how we all have wishes and desires. Wish is good and important because it keeps people moving forward and that is healthy. We all want better. But it is unhealthy when we are jealous of what others have. But you cannot just look at desirable things someone else has in the vacuum. You have to take into consideration the whole person's life including there problems or difficulties they have faced. It is funny, many times I prefer my life and the good and bad in it when compared to others. Even though I've had my share of difficult times.

It's difficult to understand and picture it when you are relatively poor, but very wealthy people aren't necessarily happy, in fact a lot of famous and very wealthy people have been known to become very depressed and there's loads of stars throughout history that have even taken their own life, then there are other people with hardly anything that are much happier.

Actually seeking possessions is almost like an unhealthy addiction. For instance you seek a better TV that you almost crave for and you save up for it, you might even work extra overtime doing something you hate in order to obtain it faster. Then you finally get it and for a short time you feel happy and it's almost like a buzz when you first get it, but before long the novelty dies down and you're soon looking for the next upgrade. This cycle never stops and your whole life is in a lot of ways wasted chasing objects that mean nothing spiritually and can't be carried over when we pass on, plus people are often trying to compete with each-other's possessions and as you said jealousy is unhealthy. Many people would choose to work in a job they hate for more money so they can obtain "better" possessions instead of a lower paid job they really enjoy and this obviously greatly negatively effects a persons self esteem and well being too. On top of this when money or possessions are lost or possessions break it often causes misery and many people constantly live in fear of this happening. Even if you suddenly became rich, it would create a huge buzz and most people think this would make them happy for life, but even this would wear off after a while and as I said earlier a lot of wealthy people truly aren't happy, plus they have a lot more to worry about potentially losing.

There are some people who look at life in a completely different way to most of us, they don't look for more money or better possessions which our society has taught us to endlessly pursue, in fact they try not to even become attached to existing objects. They instead see much more important things in life, they can be very spiritual and these people are often the happiest and most contented of all.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It's difficult to understand and picture it when you are relatively poor, but very wealthy people aren't necessarily happy, in fact a lot of famous and very wealthy people have been known to become very depressed and there's loads of stars throughout history that have even taken their own life, then there are other people with hardly anything that are much happier.

Actually seeking possessions is almost like an unhealthy addiction. For instance you seek a better TV that you almost crave for and you save up for it, you might even work extra overtime doing something you hate in order to obtain it faster. Then you finally get it and for a short time you feel happy and it's almost like a buzz when you first get it, but before long the novelty dies down and you're soon looking for the next upgrade. This cycle never stops and your whole life is in a lot of ways wasted chasing objects that mean nothing spiritually and can't be carried over when we pass on, plus people are often trying to compete with each-other's possessions and as you said jealousy is unhealthy. Many people would choose to work in a job they hate for more money so they can obtain "better" possessions instead of a lower paid job they really enjoy and this obviously greatly negatively effects a persons self esteem and well being too. On top of this when money or possessions are lost or possessions break it often causes misery and many people constantly live in fear of this happening. Even if you suddenly became rich, it would create a huge buzz and most people think this would make them happy for life, but even this would wear off after a while and as I said earlier a lot of wealthy people truly aren't happy, plus they have a lot more to worry about potentially losing.

There are some people who look at life in a completely different way to most of us, they don't look for more money or better possessions which our society has taught us to endlessly pursue, in fact they try not to even become attached to existing objects. They instead see much more important things in life, they can be very spiritual and these people are often the happiest and most contented of all.

What you've just described is called hedonic adaptation.

 

[mw2530]

Good point about negative thoughts yes I am the same and that's useful to think about being active in challenging them as it can be a default that's quite unhelpful and undermining. Just gotta remember to do it and that probably requires a written plan with set procedures

Here is an idea. I was trying to think of something that I would make myself do for every negative thought I have throughout the day. I have to do one push up for every negative thought. I think my arms would fall off if I did that after most days!! Lol. Of course that would require me to keep track of the number of negative thoughts which may be impossible. Or maybe it should something more immediate.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Here is an idea. I was trying to think of something that I would make myself do for every negative thought I have throughout the day.

Almoat 3 decades ago, a counselor told me to keep a rubber band on my wrist, and snap it on the inside of my wrist every time I had a negative thought. Basically it was "So you like to punish yourself? Here's a way to punish yourself for thinking negative thoughts about yourself." I did it for a few weeks, and it did make a difference.

 

[mw2530]

It's difficult to understand and picture it when you are relatively poor, but very wealthy people aren't necessarily happy, in fact a lot of famous and very wealthy people have been known to become very depressed and there's loads of stars throughout history that have even taken their own life, then there are other people with hardly anything that are much happier.

Yes money certainly does not lead to happiness by itself. I think it all comes down to a person's mindset. Money itself is not evil, but what it does to some people is. I'm sure there are plenty of wealthy people who are fairly happy. Conversely, there are probably plenty of poor people who are unhappy. Being on and endless pursuit of material possessions is certainly a path to unhappiness. I personally prefer quality over quantity when it comes to material possessions. Too much leads to clutter and gives me stress. I also wander if the endless pursuit of some goal may lead to unhappiness. Sometimes I feel like my special interest causes me unhappiness b/c I'm always trying to maintain high standards. But I think it is also healthy to have something you are pursuing, unless it is material possessions alone.

 

[mw2530]

Almoat 3 decades ago, a counselor told me to keep a rubber band on my wrist, and snap it on the inside of my wrist every time I had a negative thought. Basically it was "So you like to punish yourself? Here's a way to punish yourself for thinking negative thoughts about yourself." I did it for a few weeks, and it did make a difference.

Thank you, that's a good immediate consequence. Teaches you to change your habits like Pavlov's dogs. I was trying to come up with an idea - the best I had was pinching myself.