Made an appointment with a "disability employment support" org. and I'm terrified

[Nauti]

So, this morning I decided to ring "On Q", a "not for profit" disability support organization that claims to help people find employment.
I have to be "reassessed" by centrelink, the government org that gives me my pension, because they didn't refer me, I rang On Q independantly and that's part of the procedure, apparently.
All of this is frightening me. I have a dread in dealing with people that have power over me.
I want some help to upskill, and work on my employment skills.

I don't feel at all ready to get a job. I, recently, prior to a breakdown/extreme isolating/social withdrawal episode, attended uni, but didn't finish my degree.

Last time I "worked" I got treated poorly, I got exploited, undermined, shouted at, bullied, scapegoated and treated condescendingly and it took a giant toll on my health. I got really, really unwell.

I have a lot of skills, but no real credendials as I have done a lot of creative work, as a performance artist, peer work and social work, but mostly volunteer and freelance, parenting, and caring. I still haven't got my license. Oh and no, I'm not particularly young, in earth years, anyway.

I am a great improv musical artist, advocate, song writer, highly intelligent, creative, caring and honest, but my Autism and PTSD interfere in my ability to "fit in", to submit to authorities, to endure mindless and mundane work, to be highly social and to do anything that conflicts with my values, which, in all honestly, omits a lot of things.

I wonder if I am doing the right thing? I wonder if I will make myself unwell again? By trying to navigate the system and get a paid job? When I have a pension and I'm risking everything by trying to put myself on the job market, when really, I'm a quicky artistic, poetic, and highly (unpopular) political social justice fringe dwellering peer support writer and painter now.

I live in a rural area, in a country not very Autism savvy, and I really want to spread awareness about Autism and especially girls and women on the spectrum, because a lot of us are getting missed, not being disgnosed or supported and we are suffering and not getting to contribute and be validated as much, as neurotypical women, or even men on the spectrum.

My guy is also Aspie and he worked in IT and computer tech areas for years, but I have only worked for a pittance, as an entertainer and done lots of free caring, advocacy and peer support work. And I worked in a book shop that went broke, for a short time.

 

[Fino]

Have you ever considered being a teacher of any kind?

 

[Nauti]

Have you ever considered being a teacher of any kind?

I think I would be good at that.

I have a friend starting a peer org. run for peers by peers (mental health arena) and she would like me to teach some art therapies for recovery type stuff, but I'm not sure when that will be up and running.

I'm pretty savvy in the healing arts type arena, too.

I'm teaching myself to paint at the moment.

 

[Gracey]

Why do they have power over you?

You write about a dread of people that have power over you.

Surely they’re a service. They serve.


Without your custom they don’t have a business.
And they’re in the business of helping people like you.

I’d wager that puts you in a very powerful position.

 

[Nauti]

Why do they have power over you?

You write about a dread of people that have power over you.

Surely they’re a service. They serve.


Without your custom they don’t have a business.
And they’re in the business of helping people like you.

I’d wager that puts you in a very powerful position.

It's mainly the "reassessment" that is mandatory, with the gov org that give me my pension. It's scary because they have the power to stop my pension and because, what if they try to force me into a job that makes me ill again?
What if they think I'm too "normal" because I've worked so hard to mask and I'm quite good at it and I don't even have an autism diagnosis (yet, I can't afford it) and they undermine all my hard work to get to here and to be this well and this socially able?

I have ptsd too, and I've had a lot of bad treatment, and not having my needs met, which is why I'm distrustful of (pretty much) everyone.

 

[Aspychata]

l just walked through that door, l have dealt with trauma and PTSD, to the point where l don't trust people. But l just don't show it now. l feel normal, l know how l am suppose to respond, but my freedom is staying alone due to the horrible abuse l came through, involving living situations, marriage, and jobs.

 

[Nauti]

l just walked through that door, l have dealt with trauma and PTSD, to the point where l don't trust people. But l just don't show it now. l feel normal, l know how l am suppose to respond, but my freedom is staying alone due to the horrible abuse l came through, involving living situations, marriage, and jobs.

Thanks I decided not to go. I don't have a good feeling about it, and I'm under no obligation to go, so I'm going to leave it, at least for now.
Thanks for answering @Aspychata, I found your understanding and peer experience helpful.

 

[Oldlady]

My advice ... don't place yourself in any position that will stress you out unless you have to do so.

 

[sidd851]

Why do they have power over you?

You write about a dread of people that have power over you.

Surely they’re a service. They serve.


Without your custom they don’t have a business.
And they’re in the business of helping people like you.

I’d wager that puts you in a very powerful position.

I'm of a like mind to @Nauti .

I am disabled, and recieve my social security insurance payment to survive.

I also want to be productive, but making the attempt can be self-damaging, even if you fail at the attempt.

It can be argued that because you are making the attempt, you are more abled than your designation reflects--- scary, when you don't have stability or income otherwise.

Any attempt can be catagorized, and described from any number of angles--- and institutions collate data from other institutions.

It is a frightening prospect to be forced to do work that you cannot do because you attempted to take a (failed) step toward self-sufficiency.

 

[Gracey]

Ahh, right,

I think I understand now.

I didn’t understand why @Nauti was terrified of an organisation that was going to help nauti find work.

My misunderstanding, sorry.

(Didn’t know how these things worked, Assessments and claims etc)

Thanks for the explanations.

 

[sidd851]

Ahh, right,

I think I understand now.

I didn’t understand why @Nauti was terrified of an organisation that was going to help nauti find work.

My misunderstanding, sorry.

(Didn’t know how these things worked, Assessments and claims etc)

Thanks for the explanations.

My misunderstanding, sorry.

Not at all.

If I were to manage, somehow, to remain on my feet, or seated for a two hour period, or several of them, it'd be distance traveled toward even a part time position. No matter that it took two days of bedrest to recover, from it. It could be construed as success, even though it was, in all actuality, a failure.

In the U.S., percentages of disability claims can be paid.
I have known of percentages between 40- 85 being awarded in disability claims.
An awkward position in and of itself.